I'm stuggling and I need help...please.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
I am LOVING this thread. There is so much here...things that myawakening and all of you have written that I relate to - particularly with the anger, with the feeling that somehow I'm doing the process 'wrong,' all of it. And I love all the wisdom and support that are being shared.
Thank you my SR family, for keeping me going another day.
Thank you my SR family, for keeping me going another day.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
There is a man in my homegroup who likes to tell the story of how he came to his first Al Anon meeting, bought a copy of One Day At A Time, and went home and read the whole thing in one night. He then says very slowly: "One...Day....At...A...Time -- all...in...one...night.....and I thought my wife was the crazy one!"
My guess is that there are a couple of reasons that you aren't, haven't, can't seem to "hear it":
1) You are trying too hard.....which means trying to control it and force it to happen. In my experience, that very behavior and attitude have been part of the problem for me, not part of the solution. What I've found in program is that, the more obsessively and exclusively I focus on an issue or problem or question, the more the answer, solution or resolution remains out of my grasp. What always seems to work best is for me to simply hold my "question" (whatever it is that I'm working on or struggling with or seeking guidance around at the moment) gently in my consciousness and go as calmly as possible about living my life. Of course, I don't totally ignore the issue. I read stuff that seems interesting and related, I bring it up at meetings and listen to what people say, I try to notice things or events that seem to be somehow related, and I offer it up in prayer everyday. But I do not obsess about it, or focus on it like a crazed person, or refuse to enjoy and be grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life despite my issues/problems/questions. And, after awhile of holding the question out there to God/HP/The Universe/whatever you want to call it, an answer or a resolution comes when the time is right.
2) You are expecting that, when you "hear it," it is going to be something that you recognize and understand with your rational, thinking mind. For me, that really has never been the way it seems to work. And this seems to become more and more true the further I go in program and the more I grow spiritually. Very often, once I have the answer/resolution/whatever, it is not something that I could easily explain or prove to anyone else. It is usually more of a sense or an internal certainly.....and sometimes even a weird shift in perspective that makes whatever I considered a "problem" or an issue no longer be a problem or an issue when seen from the new angle. It also often seems to be the case that I don't even realize that I have had a shift or a resolution until sometime after the shift has occurred.
BTW, I can't really say that I like any of this or that I am entirely comfortable with it or that this is the way it would be if I were the one in charge...but, then again, I haven't been the one in charge since Step 1. And I find things go a lot better and a lot more easily for me if I accept that and try to work with it rather than against it.
And I don't want to scare you here, but, for me there have been lots and lots of "Its." I guess my feeling is that, if I work my program well, then I am going to continue to have presented to me new things to work on, with new answers/resolutions yet to be "found." So, if you're in this for the long haul, it might be a good idea to take a more in-depth look at Steps 6 and 7 and get more comfortable with what you find there.
freya
My guess is that there are a couple of reasons that you aren't, haven't, can't seem to "hear it":
1) You are trying too hard.....which means trying to control it and force it to happen. In my experience, that very behavior and attitude have been part of the problem for me, not part of the solution. What I've found in program is that, the more obsessively and exclusively I focus on an issue or problem or question, the more the answer, solution or resolution remains out of my grasp. What always seems to work best is for me to simply hold my "question" (whatever it is that I'm working on or struggling with or seeking guidance around at the moment) gently in my consciousness and go as calmly as possible about living my life. Of course, I don't totally ignore the issue. I read stuff that seems interesting and related, I bring it up at meetings and listen to what people say, I try to notice things or events that seem to be somehow related, and I offer it up in prayer everyday. But I do not obsess about it, or focus on it like a crazed person, or refuse to enjoy and be grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life despite my issues/problems/questions. And, after awhile of holding the question out there to God/HP/The Universe/whatever you want to call it, an answer or a resolution comes when the time is right.
2) You are expecting that, when you "hear it," it is going to be something that you recognize and understand with your rational, thinking mind. For me, that really has never been the way it seems to work. And this seems to become more and more true the further I go in program and the more I grow spiritually. Very often, once I have the answer/resolution/whatever, it is not something that I could easily explain or prove to anyone else. It is usually more of a sense or an internal certainly.....and sometimes even a weird shift in perspective that makes whatever I considered a "problem" or an issue no longer be a problem or an issue when seen from the new angle. It also often seems to be the case that I don't even realize that I have had a shift or a resolution until sometime after the shift has occurred.
BTW, I can't really say that I like any of this or that I am entirely comfortable with it or that this is the way it would be if I were the one in charge...but, then again, I haven't been the one in charge since Step 1. And I find things go a lot better and a lot more easily for me if I accept that and try to work with it rather than against it.
And I don't want to scare you here, but, for me there have been lots and lots of "Its." I guess my feeling is that, if I work my program well, then I am going to continue to have presented to me new things to work on, with new answers/resolutions yet to be "found." So, if you're in this for the long haul, it might be a good idea to take a more in-depth look at Steps 6 and 7 and get more comfortable with what you find there.
freya
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Team...yes, that's what I am calling us...a team. We are working as a team to help one another through each and every day. I am lost and trying to level myself. There are days that I don't feel strong enough to do that...and then I sit at my computer and I gain strength.
Strength from reading posts that are similar to mine...different than mine...newer than my situation...older...etc. You name it...we post it. From that I gain perspective...something that I've lost recently. I am indebted to each of you that post because it helps me learn. I learn that I am not alone in this insanity. I learn that my feelings are not unique and others feel the same way. I find comfort in this because at times I feel like I am walking into a black hole. I learn that as bad as I think I have it...sometimes I read that someone else might have it worse. I have my pity party for being 52 years old and afraid that I will never know what real love feels like and that my 'time' for all of that has been and gone. But then I read about how many of you with small children are coping. My heart goes out to those of you and I become ashamed at my whining.
There are times I feel like a wounded child...and your support makes me feel less wounded.
I was at my counseling session tonight and I was telling her about how angry I am...all the time. We talked it through and what I also realized tonight was I was not only angry at AH, but at myself. I never really thought I was angry at myself. I learned that I was angry because I stayed in a situation that I knew was wrong for me...stayed with a man that was wrong for me...a man that wasn't capable of a good decent relationship...who's only interest was his own. I kept directing the anger at him, but deep down I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I knew better and yet...wasn't capable of making any changes.
My feelings were that I wasted the past 12 years of my life. It's been almost 12 years since my AH had the first affair and promised to stop drinking. I had been viewing the world through rose colored glasses and was hanging on to this tiny thread of hope. Hope that he would wake up and man up. Of course he didn't.
She asked me what I did over the last 12 years? I didn't know what she meant. She asked me what happened over the last 12 years with my life. I was kind of puzzled and said...I raised my children, got them through school, sent them through college, and then married them off. Re-entered the work place and found a nice job. I wasn't sure I was understanding where she was going with this. She just looked at me and said...You were living your life! You didn't waste anything...you lived your life. It wasn't all bad and it wasn't all good." Then she said something that just hit me between the eyes..."You made a choice to stay until you knew it was time to leave!! It simply wasn't your time." She was right...I was living my life during the past 12 years...good and bad, but it's not totally wasted. I feel less mad at myself for sticking around 12 years earlier. We all do what we do...until we know it is time to leave.
Team:-)...I am so grateful to all of you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Each of us is getting stronger every day. We may not realize it, but we are. In little ways...each day.
Strength from reading posts that are similar to mine...different than mine...newer than my situation...older...etc. You name it...we post it. From that I gain perspective...something that I've lost recently. I am indebted to each of you that post because it helps me learn. I learn that I am not alone in this insanity. I learn that my feelings are not unique and others feel the same way. I find comfort in this because at times I feel like I am walking into a black hole. I learn that as bad as I think I have it...sometimes I read that someone else might have it worse. I have my pity party for being 52 years old and afraid that I will never know what real love feels like and that my 'time' for all of that has been and gone. But then I read about how many of you with small children are coping. My heart goes out to those of you and I become ashamed at my whining.
There are times I feel like a wounded child...and your support makes me feel less wounded.
I was at my counseling session tonight and I was telling her about how angry I am...all the time. We talked it through and what I also realized tonight was I was not only angry at AH, but at myself. I never really thought I was angry at myself. I learned that I was angry because I stayed in a situation that I knew was wrong for me...stayed with a man that was wrong for me...a man that wasn't capable of a good decent relationship...who's only interest was his own. I kept directing the anger at him, but deep down I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I knew better and yet...wasn't capable of making any changes.
My feelings were that I wasted the past 12 years of my life. It's been almost 12 years since my AH had the first affair and promised to stop drinking. I had been viewing the world through rose colored glasses and was hanging on to this tiny thread of hope. Hope that he would wake up and man up. Of course he didn't.
She asked me what I did over the last 12 years? I didn't know what she meant. She asked me what happened over the last 12 years with my life. I was kind of puzzled and said...I raised my children, got them through school, sent them through college, and then married them off. Re-entered the work place and found a nice job. I wasn't sure I was understanding where she was going with this. She just looked at me and said...You were living your life! You didn't waste anything...you lived your life. It wasn't all bad and it wasn't all good." Then she said something that just hit me between the eyes..."You made a choice to stay until you knew it was time to leave!! It simply wasn't your time." She was right...I was living my life during the past 12 years...good and bad, but it's not totally wasted. I feel less mad at myself for sticking around 12 years earlier. We all do what we do...until we know it is time to leave.
Team:-)...I am so grateful to all of you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Each of us is getting stronger every day. We may not realize it, but we are. In little ways...each day.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Thank you IPT...I will look for it this weekend.
Here is the newest development...
AH calls me yesterday and tells me he wants me back. He said he recognizes the fact that he was wrong in continuing to drink and all the things that have happened since...carefully neglecting the recent cheating he has done. For a split second I had that ray of hope and wanted to believe him. I also know that many of you post that although your A has been in recovery...alot of those awful behaviors are still there. I don't want to deal with that...I can't deal with that. I know if I went back to him I would be lost forever. I couldn't leave again...I'm too old to be going back and forth. I also know he would add this (my leaving him) to the other list of my "sins" that he throws up in my face over and over each arguement we would have.
What I have noticed recently is that while my heart aches...physically aches when I think of what happened to us...it doesn't hurt as bad. It used to seize my chest and hurt like crazy. It amazes me how the heart can hurt like that without a physical injury!!
It used to hurt when I thought of him, thought of my house, my old life, my old financial situation, the years married...on and on. It hurt all the time.
I was at church services on Christmas Eve evening and I was about as low as a person could get. I sat there and prayed. Prayed as hard as I could for as long as I could. I begged God to please take this pain away. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. The pain was crippling me and I didn't know what He had in mind for me but I was finally open to Him to guide me. I was one of those that wanted to chart my owe path. I was raised Catholic...but was a holiday Catholic. I believed in God, but wasn't always listening to Him as I should. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't an overly religious person...until now.
As I sat there and prayed I had tears coming down my face. I can imagine what people there must have thought was wrong with me. But as I sat there I started to feel a sense of peace that I have never experienced before...and I am 52 years old. That's a long time!
The pain in my heart was almost gone. My heart didn't seize up on me when I thought of my situation...it felt like someone was holding the pain down. I cried with relief at how much better that felt. I could feel the sadness...but my heart didn't hurt like it had been for weeks and weeks. I truly believe God heard me then and helped me. I begged him not to leave me and I was ready to follow Him closely.
OK-I guess the point of this post was to say that whatever you use as your HP...believe in it to help you navigate through your pain and problems. I think when you are finally open to it...it will happen. Your HP power will listen and you do find relief from some of this pain we go through. I do not say this lightly because as I said...I wasn't an overly religious person.
When I started this thread I was looking and listening for a clue a phrase something to grab on to in order to begin my healing and get going in the right direction. I know I've found it.
I pray those of you that have posted will find yours.
Happy New Years to our SF family! xxoo
Here is the newest development...
AH calls me yesterday and tells me he wants me back. He said he recognizes the fact that he was wrong in continuing to drink and all the things that have happened since...carefully neglecting the recent cheating he has done. For a split second I had that ray of hope and wanted to believe him. I also know that many of you post that although your A has been in recovery...alot of those awful behaviors are still there. I don't want to deal with that...I can't deal with that. I know if I went back to him I would be lost forever. I couldn't leave again...I'm too old to be going back and forth. I also know he would add this (my leaving him) to the other list of my "sins" that he throws up in my face over and over each arguement we would have.
What I have noticed recently is that while my heart aches...physically aches when I think of what happened to us...it doesn't hurt as bad. It used to seize my chest and hurt like crazy. It amazes me how the heart can hurt like that without a physical injury!!
It used to hurt when I thought of him, thought of my house, my old life, my old financial situation, the years married...on and on. It hurt all the time.
I was at church services on Christmas Eve evening and I was about as low as a person could get. I sat there and prayed. Prayed as hard as I could for as long as I could. I begged God to please take this pain away. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. The pain was crippling me and I didn't know what He had in mind for me but I was finally open to Him to guide me. I was one of those that wanted to chart my owe path. I was raised Catholic...but was a holiday Catholic. I believed in God, but wasn't always listening to Him as I should. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't an overly religious person...until now.
As I sat there and prayed I had tears coming down my face. I can imagine what people there must have thought was wrong with me. But as I sat there I started to feel a sense of peace that I have never experienced before...and I am 52 years old. That's a long time!
The pain in my heart was almost gone. My heart didn't seize up on me when I thought of my situation...it felt like someone was holding the pain down. I cried with relief at how much better that felt. I could feel the sadness...but my heart didn't hurt like it had been for weeks and weeks. I truly believe God heard me then and helped me. I begged him not to leave me and I was ready to follow Him closely.
OK-I guess the point of this post was to say that whatever you use as your HP...believe in it to help you navigate through your pain and problems. I think when you are finally open to it...it will happen. Your HP power will listen and you do find relief from some of this pain we go through. I do not say this lightly because as I said...I wasn't an overly religious person.
When I started this thread I was looking and listening for a clue a phrase something to grab on to in order to begin my healing and get going in the right direction. I know I've found it.
I pray those of you that have posted will find yours.
Happy New Years to our SF family! xxoo
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