OT - On the move again.. and other random comments/complaints etc.
A jug fills drop by drop
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
OT - On the move again.. and other random comments/complaints etc.
Well yesterday I fought with my peeping Tom neighbor. Sorry. I was not planning on saying a word just like I ignore him when he is staring at my boobs or watching from below if I got a skirt on, or who knows what he is staring at lately because I always wear trousers with this cold (and when I caught him of course skirts or anything revealing is out)
He stares at me even when I arrive with my bf or am talking to him on the street... he stares on the other side of the street or from the 4th floor where we both have our own apartments...
Maybe it was because yesterday I walked to a bank and got lots of cat calls from the construction workers next to my building and from "men" in trucks... something that happens often in my country but is ridiculously highlighted in this particular city.
So I was already in a very bad mood when mr peeping was infront of our entrance waiting (or probably staring at others). I passed next to him and he gave me that look. Well I walked and thought he surely was going to turn to see my butt. So I turned around to meet his stare when he did. And when he turned I asked him why he stared at me?? did he lose anything?? well he shut up then when I climbed the stairs he kept staring... I couldn't see well so I had to turn the lights on in our floor..and yes he was staring at me from below.
I made an obscene gesture to him. I am sorry again. I was so tired of it.
Then I cried because its not possible a woman can't WALK without being continuously disrespected in my country. I hated this city and decided to start looking for YET ANOTHER APARTMENT OR HOUSE just to get rid of this neighbor.
I also reported him anonymously but I know what they do with those complaints - nothing. Police is worse than these people. But I felt better. If this guy does something stupid at least there will be background.
I told bf and he told me I gave him too much importance. I got angry (am I ever NOT angry these days) and told him "ok, so let's act as if its all ok,just that IT'S NOT and no I won't get 'used' to it". So he agreed and told me he would start looking for some other places... not before saying this one was the worst apartment I could have chosen.... ending up in another argument with much sarcasm from my part...
I thought of parking in other safer places... to the car... because I am SURE he will do something to my car, then I thought better and I prefer anything to happen to the car than to ME so I refuse to walk more distances in the dark just to safeguard a piece of machinery that can be replaced if needed (its insured).
Bf stayed with me that night. Woke up at 7 am. He said he was late for his job and could I iron his shirt?
I told him - when have I asked you to iron MY shirts? (ah the loving girlfriend)
While he was ironing (nice sight) I told him once he hunted and I cooked but now I hunt (and a bigger mamut than him) so why would I cook as well? I'm tired and bitter.
He said men needed to feel needed by a woman (insert a stomach turn here) and wondered why I was so independent. He wondered if I loved him.
He said refusing to get intimate with him made him feel unloved.
I said for him to ignore the needs of her partner made ME feel unloved.
Silence.
I told him if he wanted someone available to do whatever he wants there were call girls. That sharing a bed did not mean sex. That sharing an apartment did not mean sex. That being drunk, him, me, or both did not mean sex. That the weekend did not mean sex. That the night did not mean sex.
Then Dolce came by and she was soooooo nice to me, she curled up and I used her as a pillow, she was very warm and loving and he realized...
"You love Dolce more than me!!!!!!"
UGH!! its true.
Then I'm thinking , perhaps I look for a place just for myself and my cats. I think I would be happier that way... so I am already on the move. Wish me luck so I find a decent place with decent neighbors...damn, they make it so difficult in this city.
So now I'm officially a controlling b****.... (he didn't say it but now I am double guessing myself) BUT he said I am too severe, and treat him badly and treat him as if he was a jerk.. but he loves me... and I will never find someone like him or someone who loves me more than him.... ugh... when he says that I want to answer "maybe I do, you don't know" but its like wow where the hell did my good feelings for him (or good feelings AT ALL) went??
Sorry this should go in some other forum.... called "RAMBLING!"
PS I am planning on a weekend out on a nice hotel which offers vegetarian breakfasts and yoga. It costs some $$ but my girlfriend told me "greaat I love vegetarian meals!!" so yes, now I love her more than bf too......
He stares at me even when I arrive with my bf or am talking to him on the street... he stares on the other side of the street or from the 4th floor where we both have our own apartments...
Maybe it was because yesterday I walked to a bank and got lots of cat calls from the construction workers next to my building and from "men" in trucks... something that happens often in my country but is ridiculously highlighted in this particular city.
So I was already in a very bad mood when mr peeping was infront of our entrance waiting (or probably staring at others). I passed next to him and he gave me that look. Well I walked and thought he surely was going to turn to see my butt. So I turned around to meet his stare when he did. And when he turned I asked him why he stared at me?? did he lose anything?? well he shut up then when I climbed the stairs he kept staring... I couldn't see well so I had to turn the lights on in our floor..and yes he was staring at me from below.
I made an obscene gesture to him. I am sorry again. I was so tired of it.
Then I cried because its not possible a woman can't WALK without being continuously disrespected in my country. I hated this city and decided to start looking for YET ANOTHER APARTMENT OR HOUSE just to get rid of this neighbor.
I also reported him anonymously but I know what they do with those complaints - nothing. Police is worse than these people. But I felt better. If this guy does something stupid at least there will be background.
I told bf and he told me I gave him too much importance. I got angry (am I ever NOT angry these days) and told him "ok, so let's act as if its all ok,just that IT'S NOT and no I won't get 'used' to it". So he agreed and told me he would start looking for some other places... not before saying this one was the worst apartment I could have chosen.... ending up in another argument with much sarcasm from my part...
I thought of parking in other safer places... to the car... because I am SURE he will do something to my car, then I thought better and I prefer anything to happen to the car than to ME so I refuse to walk more distances in the dark just to safeguard a piece of machinery that can be replaced if needed (its insured).
Bf stayed with me that night. Woke up at 7 am. He said he was late for his job and could I iron his shirt?
I told him - when have I asked you to iron MY shirts? (ah the loving girlfriend)
While he was ironing (nice sight) I told him once he hunted and I cooked but now I hunt (and a bigger mamut than him) so why would I cook as well? I'm tired and bitter.
He said men needed to feel needed by a woman (insert a stomach turn here) and wondered why I was so independent. He wondered if I loved him.
He said refusing to get intimate with him made him feel unloved.
I said for him to ignore the needs of her partner made ME feel unloved.
Silence.
I told him if he wanted someone available to do whatever he wants there were call girls. That sharing a bed did not mean sex. That sharing an apartment did not mean sex. That being drunk, him, me, or both did not mean sex. That the weekend did not mean sex. That the night did not mean sex.
Then Dolce came by and she was soooooo nice to me, she curled up and I used her as a pillow, she was very warm and loving and he realized...
"You love Dolce more than me!!!!!!"
UGH!! its true.
Then I'm thinking , perhaps I look for a place just for myself and my cats. I think I would be happier that way... so I am already on the move. Wish me luck so I find a decent place with decent neighbors...damn, they make it so difficult in this city.
So now I'm officially a controlling b****.... (he didn't say it but now I am double guessing myself) BUT he said I am too severe, and treat him badly and treat him as if he was a jerk.. but he loves me... and I will never find someone like him or someone who loves me more than him.... ugh... when he says that I want to answer "maybe I do, you don't know" but its like wow where the hell did my good feelings for him (or good feelings AT ALL) went??
Sorry this should go in some other forum.... called "RAMBLING!"
PS I am planning on a weekend out on a nice hotel which offers vegetarian breakfasts and yoga. It costs some $$ but my girlfriend told me "greaat I love vegetarian meals!!" so yes, now I love her more than bf too......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I'm with Naive there, I know I need time off too.
It's completely unhealthy for me to think I can be in a relationship with anyone while I am resolving the emotions that came from caring about my XA, plus while really doing this internal work that I am doing, I know I need to focus only on me.
Do you think that it would maybe make you feel better to be focused solely on you while not having to concern yourself with a significant other right now?
It's very easy to hit a snapping point when you are constantly "heckled" by men who are less than gentleman. I think we have all been there.
It's completely unhealthy for me to think I can be in a relationship with anyone while I am resolving the emotions that came from caring about my XA, plus while really doing this internal work that I am doing, I know I need to focus only on me.
Do you think that it would maybe make you feel better to be focused solely on you while not having to concern yourself with a significant other right now?
It's very easy to hit a snapping point when you are constantly "heckled" by men who are less than gentleman. I think we have all been there.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
The bad thing is that we used to be OK. And I was feeling strong for a great while. I feel I am taking steps -- BACKWARDS lol.
I am back to therapy and she says its normal... we are all closing circles at different times, and being with bf and placing my limits is another way to achieve closure with "males" in general as I seem to place them all in the same box. That I like to give xabf my power, and making him the reason to breakup with someone else is giving xabf power over my life...again... and that this time was when I first saw her so "seasonal triggers" are common. But she agrees I need a lot of time spent alone, and I will seek it.
I certainly need a timeout, not only from bf... from all this context, it seems I need to have my defenses up constantly, how can anyone relax? sheesh.
I am so happy I can choose what is best for me now... and financial means to get away from bad places.... I love being independent......
Thanks for listening to my ramblings lately.
Now I am gone, not before passing next to XABF and his friends. Can't avoid them. Can't wait for them to go away either because I'm off to my dance lessons, see if I get some stress off.
Breathe... one step at a time... literally...
I am back to therapy and she says its normal... we are all closing circles at different times, and being with bf and placing my limits is another way to achieve closure with "males" in general as I seem to place them all in the same box. That I like to give xabf my power, and making him the reason to breakup with someone else is giving xabf power over my life...again... and that this time was when I first saw her so "seasonal triggers" are common. But she agrees I need a lot of time spent alone, and I will seek it.
I certainly need a timeout, not only from bf... from all this context, it seems I need to have my defenses up constantly, how can anyone relax? sheesh.
I am so happy I can choose what is best for me now... and financial means to get away from bad places.... I love being independent......
Thanks for listening to my ramblings lately.
Now I am gone, not before passing next to XABF and his friends. Can't avoid them. Can't wait for them to go away either because I'm off to my dance lessons, see if I get some stress off.
Breathe... one step at a time... literally...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I agree.
I can't be a caring partner the way I want to be yet. I have too much internal work to do and self esteem building. Lonliness strikes, but I would tell someone to stick it, if they made demands of me or criticized me right now.
Maybe you two are just not compatable? Maybe it is bad timing? Maybe he is a rebound? What do you think?
If he was not around, how would your life change?
I can't be a caring partner the way I want to be yet. I have too much internal work to do and self esteem building. Lonliness strikes, but I would tell someone to stick it, if they made demands of me or criticized me right now.
Maybe you two are just not compatable? Maybe it is bad timing? Maybe he is a rebound? What do you think?
If he was not around, how would your life change?
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all.
I will provide my own timeouts like walks on the park ALONE and bf not spending nights with me anymore. I realized its convenient for him but not for me. Even just 5 minutes after work, study and looking for a new home, 5 minutes for meditation or "me time" will help. Thanks for reminding me of what is important.
I will provide my own timeouts like walks on the park ALONE and bf not spending nights with me anymore. I realized its convenient for him but not for me. Even just 5 minutes after work, study and looking for a new home, 5 minutes for meditation or "me time" will help. Thanks for reminding me of what is important.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If he was not around I would be able to relax, Miss.. and work on my anger.
The therapist says I can juggle it all but I also know I am not the best partner currently either so time off will be for the greatest good........
The therapist says I can juggle it all but I also know I am not the best partner currently either so time off will be for the greatest good........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
These are not steps backward, TC. Not at all.
You are discovering what you find acceptable when it comes to behavior from the people around you and from those you allow into your inner circle. You are becoming a keeper of the most vital treasure....YOU.
Your feelings matter, your heart matters, your dignity matters.
It is okay to be brutally selective over who you let into your life. You respect and honor others, they should do the same for you. If someone who is let in your life doesn't honor you as an individual, they're out. No hard feelings, it's just business.
Have you considered moving out of this culture your in and into another environment? Would moving closer to family change things or worsen it?
With love,
Alice
You are discovering what you find acceptable when it comes to behavior from the people around you and from those you allow into your inner circle. You are becoming a keeper of the most vital treasure....YOU.
Your feelings matter, your heart matters, your dignity matters.
It is okay to be brutally selective over who you let into your life. You respect and honor others, they should do the same for you. If someone who is let in your life doesn't honor you as an individual, they're out. No hard feelings, it's just business.
Have you considered moving out of this culture your in and into another environment? Would moving closer to family change things or worsen it?
With love,
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks. I needed to vent so much.....
Well yesterday I talked to bf honestly and well he said he was not leaving me alone and that he accepts his mistakes, told me some truths and mistakes I accepted and well we are still together. I decided he is no rebound and concluded I am idiot for still going back to past hells when I got someone who is worth much more. I fell in love again with my man. It was such a relief to be ok with him again. And I told him I needed time for myself not to be away from him but to reflect and become a better person not the bitter, pessimistic woman that has no faith in the future....
We will try living together but the good thing is that none of us are ever home, he will work, go to english classes, then university and continue working on his own company during weekends. For me I am already a 24x7 slave of work and need to study for certifications so we agreed to try find balance and routine in each one of our lives and support each other...
I asked him to be patient with me because I don't know how trusting a male looks like. And that my attacks to him are not attacks, I am just defending my limits. If he respects the limits I got it would be easier to trust and none of other matters such as who cooks when or washes which dishes etc. would be much of a problem...... it seems he got me this time..
Itsme, my dad will become a US citizen in January but he worries about the health system over there so he will probably migrate to Finland where his spouse is from, as there health svcs, university are almost free. Bf and me have discussed moving to Australia as I seem to have good prospects of obtaining a visa. But for that we need to save $$, and wait for him to finish his career, obtain more experience, english certs. etc so it will be years before we can move... anyway it is a good motivation for me, I will do anything to be able to leave... so right now I am informing myself about the visa process and the first steps I need to take for that...
We thought about Europe but its way more difficult to obtain a work visa....
Thanks for your support, at least I feel better knowing perhaps all this is temporary and then I'm off to build a better life for future children. I also concluded this is more diff because I got travel chances before and now how life is like in ma
I can't thank you all enough for your ESH... ((hugs))
Well yesterday I talked to bf honestly and well he said he was not leaving me alone and that he accepts his mistakes, told me some truths and mistakes I accepted and well we are still together. I decided he is no rebound and concluded I am idiot for still going back to past hells when I got someone who is worth much more. I fell in love again with my man. It was such a relief to be ok with him again. And I told him I needed time for myself not to be away from him but to reflect and become a better person not the bitter, pessimistic woman that has no faith in the future....
We will try living together but the good thing is that none of us are ever home, he will work, go to english classes, then university and continue working on his own company during weekends. For me I am already a 24x7 slave of work and need to study for certifications so we agreed to try find balance and routine in each one of our lives and support each other...
I asked him to be patient with me because I don't know how trusting a male looks like. And that my attacks to him are not attacks, I am just defending my limits. If he respects the limits I got it would be easier to trust and none of other matters such as who cooks when or washes which dishes etc. would be much of a problem...... it seems he got me this time..
Itsme, my dad will become a US citizen in January but he worries about the health system over there so he will probably migrate to Finland where his spouse is from, as there health svcs, university are almost free. Bf and me have discussed moving to Australia as I seem to have good prospects of obtaining a visa. But for that we need to save $$, and wait for him to finish his career, obtain more experience, english certs. etc so it will be years before we can move... anyway it is a good motivation for me, I will do anything to be able to leave... so right now I am informing myself about the visa process and the first steps I need to take for that...
We thought about Europe but its way more difficult to obtain a work visa....
Thanks for your support, at least I feel better knowing perhaps all this is temporary and then I'm off to build a better life for future children. I also concluded this is more diff because I got travel chances before and now how life is like in ma
I can't thank you all enough for your ESH... ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey, it's okay to not be able to make the move today. What matters is that you are not just accepting your lot in life. That's what we do that gets us here in the first place. We somehow think we don't deserve better. We somehow think we shouldn't wish for something better. If someone throws us scraps of attention and beats us down, we think that's how life is supposed to be. You are moving past all of that onward and upward!
The fact that you are thinking about how you want life to be and making baby steps after baby steps to get to that goal, that's where it's at my friend.
I think anytime you can tell someone you love what your needs and wants are and they can take that in and give you their wants and needs and you can meet each other somewhere in the middle...that's a real relationship!! That's a working unit that together can weather the storms.
It's when you put your wants and a needs out there and they are dismissed or put down and their wants and needs become the only topic of discussion, that's a dictatorship and noone likes a dictatorship but the dick-tater.
Don't stop looking for ways to make your dream a reality. Rules and policy change every day. Never give up on good love and never give up on YOU!!
Your friend,
Alice
The fact that you are thinking about how you want life to be and making baby steps after baby steps to get to that goal, that's where it's at my friend.
I think anytime you can tell someone you love what your needs and wants are and they can take that in and give you their wants and needs and you can meet each other somewhere in the middle...that's a real relationship!! That's a working unit that together can weather the storms.
It's when you put your wants and a needs out there and they are dismissed or put down and their wants and needs become the only topic of discussion, that's a dictatorship and noone likes a dictatorship but the dick-tater.
Don't stop looking for ways to make your dream a reality. Rules and policy change every day. Never give up on good love and never give up on YOU!!
Your friend,
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi friends,
naive, that is what I initially said... let's just get a place for each one of us...
bf said that he could get a place for 5 cents in a bad zone, because he is a man, doesn't care about a place being nice and wouldn't even be there most of the time...... but he worried about me and if we rented together a more expensive place would mean I would feel better and safer thus he would feel better too. And that we should think about what is best for both of us together not individually.....
of course before that...... we discussed uncomfortable items, almost broke up but somehow we understood each other at the end........
and yes if i dont like something i will move somewhere else alone. but yesterday i realized that yes i would like to try once again, to live the present and enjoy my partner..
hey itsme, thanks for that viewpoint!! it was good to ask for what i need...
time for myself without judgement, timers, constant calls.
limits respected, if there is going to be intimacy both need to want it
alcohol - still a tricky one - i dont know what my boundaries are - needs work
you are totally right, when you agree with a reality that you KNOW is less than what you deserve, you are performing the worst betrayal , betraying yourself.
thank you for your ongoing support........ i feel so much better now that there is peace at home and now i am going to buy stuff to cook tomorrow... i didnt obsess about anything else this afternoon..... i ignored the bad neighbor today and put on glasses not not meet his stare..... looking forward to meet a friend for pizza and magazines later....... yes this is more like it.
((HUGS))
naive, that is what I initially said... let's just get a place for each one of us...
bf said that he could get a place for 5 cents in a bad zone, because he is a man, doesn't care about a place being nice and wouldn't even be there most of the time...... but he worried about me and if we rented together a more expensive place would mean I would feel better and safer thus he would feel better too. And that we should think about what is best for both of us together not individually.....
of course before that...... we discussed uncomfortable items, almost broke up but somehow we understood each other at the end........
and yes if i dont like something i will move somewhere else alone. but yesterday i realized that yes i would like to try once again, to live the present and enjoy my partner..
hey itsme, thanks for that viewpoint!! it was good to ask for what i need...
time for myself without judgement, timers, constant calls.
limits respected, if there is going to be intimacy both need to want it
alcohol - still a tricky one - i dont know what my boundaries are - needs work
you are totally right, when you agree with a reality that you KNOW is less than what you deserve, you are performing the worst betrayal , betraying yourself.
thank you for your ongoing support........ i feel so much better now that there is peace at home and now i am going to buy stuff to cook tomorrow...
i didnt obsess about anything else this afternoon..... i ignored the bad neighbor today and put on glasses not not meet his stare..... looking forward to meet a friend for pizza and magazines later....... yes this is more like it.((HUGS))
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