A gift of realization from HP
A gift of realization from HP
My cell phone died on Sunday, after my visit with XAH. I didn't think to charge it up on Monday morning. I plugged it in Monday afternoon at work and forgot it there until this morning. This is what came up on the screen once I turned it back on:
5 text messages from XAH.
Monday, 9:04 p.m.
If you're awake, I really need you. I'll do anything to fix this. I haven't had a drink in weeks. I'll go to anger mgt if you tell me to.
Monday, 9:06 p.m
Please give this another chance! It's worth it! We built so much! I'll do anything!
Monday, 9:07 p.m.
I can't do this without you! You're my family.
Tuesday, 7:50 a.m.
Don't bother responding to what I wrote last night. I know I can't have you back, it just gets hard sometimes. It won't come up again.
Tuesday, 7:52 a.m.
Please don't bring it up. I just want to forget about it.
Wow, am I ever glad that I forgot my cell phone at work and didn't turn it on until later this morning. I'm also glad I got to see the progression of these text messages. It was like a gift of awareness and realization from my HP:
a) confirming to me that my X does in fact struggle with a disease
b) making me feel slightly sad for him, but not enough to ever want to go back or to help him, which is a huge step in the right direction, and
c) making me see how much I held him together, despite what he said.
I don't feel self-righteous right now. I don't feel snarky. I feel very sad for XAH. I wish he could find recovery. I wish him happiness, but I don't want to be part of his life anymore. That dream is dead and gone. I know that his son has left for Toronto and that because of this, he is very lonely, so he reaches out for his known comfy blanket (me), and as I "withhold myself" from him, I feel sad but I know this is necessary for both of us.
5 text messages from XAH.
Monday, 9:04 p.m.
If you're awake, I really need you. I'll do anything to fix this. I haven't had a drink in weeks. I'll go to anger mgt if you tell me to.
Monday, 9:06 p.m
Please give this another chance! It's worth it! We built so much! I'll do anything!
Monday, 9:07 p.m.
I can't do this without you! You're my family.
Tuesday, 7:50 a.m.
Don't bother responding to what I wrote last night. I know I can't have you back, it just gets hard sometimes. It won't come up again.
Tuesday, 7:52 a.m.
Please don't bring it up. I just want to forget about it.
Wow, am I ever glad that I forgot my cell phone at work and didn't turn it on until later this morning. I'm also glad I got to see the progression of these text messages. It was like a gift of awareness and realization from my HP:
a) confirming to me that my X does in fact struggle with a disease
b) making me feel slightly sad for him, but not enough to ever want to go back or to help him, which is a huge step in the right direction, and
c) making me see how much I held him together, despite what he said.
I don't feel self-righteous right now. I don't feel snarky. I feel very sad for XAH. I wish he could find recovery. I wish him happiness, but I don't want to be part of his life anymore. That dream is dead and gone. I know that his son has left for Toronto and that because of this, he is very lonely, so he reaches out for his known comfy blanket (me), and as I "withhold myself" from him, I feel sad but I know this is necessary for both of us.
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