SheCanRun

Ah has moved back into our bedroom after living downstairs for a few months. The other morning he rolled over and exhaled (we were face to face) and I thought I smelled alcohol. It was 4:30am. It WOKE me up. My head started racing. I jumped up & decided to go to my early morning exercise class. Took the opportunity to run downstairs & do a quick check to see if I could find a bottle. Nothing turned up & I spend the next couple of days questioning myself. But I knew... after 10 years of living with it why do I question myself?

He's been spending lots of time at night in the basement. His office & the big TV are down there. I wasn't thinking much about it b/c frankly it's nice to get a break from him.

Today I unexpectedly got the day from work. No one was home but me. I was able to explore without worry of getting caught. I know... I shouldn't be checking up after him. I am codependent but I rarely (really only after he cheated) look into his private stuff.

Anyway- found the empty bottle in the trash. There it was staring me in the face. Proof. He's drinking at night again.

I knew we were headed here as soon as he broke 3.5 month sobriety but he's never hidden it from me. He's always been very open about it and now he's hiding it.

I don't know what to think and at the same time I know exactly what it means.

I'm posting because I need to tell someone and I need to document in case I need the info in the future. I'm really sad about this.

Kittyboo

Well, i'm not in your position and never have been..... but I would say if you feel like you need to document anything, then yes.

But I do have a point or question about the codependence and the "snooping" around for the bottle...
I feel al very fine line about codependence, EVERYONE is codependent in some way, if we weren't, there would be no relationships! But yes, there are extremes of codependence. Thats just my opinion though.

There's a lot of talk about detachment, and the perception I have of that is that it is done for your own sanity.
But I also feel that when you are married to someone, alcoholic or not, if you feel there is something to be distrustful of, well 1. obviously it should be re-evaluated whether you should even be in that relationship, but 2. you have every right to know the truth about the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. He shares a home with you, a bed, a life..... if he's hiding things from you, well, I think you have a right to know that. Most anyone would do the same thing!

I guess it's how you handle the "truth" when it comes out. I guess do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man waiting for the other shoe to drop? (seems it may have). And I guess it's not a question of whether or not you want to...of course you don't, but what are you getting out of this marriage after he feels the need to basically "live" in a seperate part of your shared home?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

TakingCharge999

3 Cs

didn't cause it
can't control it. ever.
can't cure him

I would feel sad and dissapointed, what is your plan now? when will enough be enough? are you in alanon or therapy? i have noticed when i focus on my life regardless of anyone else my view changes and i am able to obtain some joy. perhaps you need guidance to achieve it? (i know i did and still do!)

HUGS !!

tjp613

Do you have a boundary set in regard to drinking?

ItsmeAlice

He's hiding from whatever consequence he knows is on its way.

The hiding for my XABF came when I tried to set a boundary about drinking around me. There was a big 'ole loophole in that boundary and he jumped right on it and drank on the porch or in his truck or in the yard...anywhere but in the house where I was. Not much I could say about it, he had me on that one. Instead of his drunk coming on slowly, he would come home with it in full force. Yay me.

When I finally understood that the boundary was about me taking action when lines were crossed and not about waiting to see how he would worm his way through whatever wall I put up, it made more sense.

You've got the proof you were snooping for. (Not that any of us are ever surprised when we find that 12-pack of empty cans in the back seat or the bottles at the bottom of the garbage can.)

Now what? No point in confronting him with something he already knows exists. No point in telling him you know all about the drinking because he'll just deny or justify it or put it back on you somehow. Instead, what move are you going to make to keep youself away from his impending downfall? Freightrain's a comin' are you going to step out of the way or wait to get flat?

Alice

SheCanRun

I have decided to not ask him about it or try to discuss it. There really is no point, you are right Alice.

We had a terrible evening at a party of one of his business associates. Details are not worth posting. He's angry at me again.

The fake kind, caring, loving and sweet husband is gone. He made it several months, long enough to make me start to believe agin. Sullen, angry at the drop of a hat are back.

You have asked what now? I guess that I will schedule in Al Anon again (I get complacent when things are calm) and get off my butt to see if my new insurance covers therapy.

ItsmeAlice

I think that's a great plan.

He's going to what he's going to do. The only thing you have control over is you.