Lilly Burn

I know its wierd because everyone says they quack, but my still active STBEXAH has emailed me several times ( I dont reply) and he always sound as I say, civilised, together....He sent me an email after my solicitor got in touch to start divorce proceedings saying he had "enormous regrets about how he left our home town and you (in that order mind) but he sounded completely normal. Also I thought they never had regrets or rarely...He had emailed previously saying he wanted to have dialogue about divorce, so I just went for it...He has no money to divorce so actually i suppose that was quacking...im the one who is forking out £3K plus for it...He left me by ringing from abroad to tell me he wasnt coming back and has been living with an argentinian ex pole dancer/human pet since february...Nice... Do you think this was his way to get me to start divorcing him.... Your thoughts would be much appreciated. PS he is still an active drinker, joined an aa group in august but has never used it and a narcotics group, again never used it and has tried to get work in our home town via builders he used to work with. Luckily they sent him away.. he let them down too... Thank you Lilly xx

nodaybut2day

Yep...mine looks and sounds civilized as well. He "looks great on paper", as in, he has a good job, pays his bills, isn't late to work because of drinking, doesn't have a criminal record (well, not in THIS country at least), has no DUIs, etc etc. It ticks me off because I KNOW how crazy he can be. Just last night I listened to an old voicemail message from back when he threatened to call the cops on me for "stealing away his daughter" (I was at home, at my parents'...dunno how I stole her)...this was just a while back, and yet, he looks so NORMAL in public. I wish he would just start frothing at the mouth and yelling obscenities to his boss. Then I'd feel vindicated Just a little.

Lilly Burn

Thank you nodaybuttoday, yes a bit of frothing would be good. the only thing i can say is that my STBEXAH, gave up what was becoming a reputable building business, gave all his clothes to charity (wouldnt need them in a hot country), doesnt work at all now and has been building up debts whilst abroad for telephones etc (£800 +) using our home address! Literally I mean when he contacts me he sounds so reasonable, its ABSURD!!!) Lilly xx

nodaybut2day

Lily...I don't know if this applies to your country, but can you get a judgment by default for divorce...as in, you petition the courts for divorce and if your STBXAH doesn't show up, you are given a decree of divorce?

Perhaps ask your lawyer about this...

As for your STBXAH and his mexican pole dancer...who cares! YOU know he's nuts. That's all that matters. Let him go gallavanting around in South America. Wish him well (ok wish him a couple of STDs).

Kittyboo

NoDay.. LOL!

It is amazing how civilzed they can sound!
When my former and I initially got back in touch, we had HOURS and HOURS of phone conversations.... he was articulate, so intelligent, so "honest" about his life and his feelings, I was so captivated by what an AMAZING man I found, and how lucky I was to have found him.

Flash foward.....found out that during ALL of those AMAZING conversations he was downingn beer, wine and whatever else. Sometimes he was even drunk, but I never could tell.
Yep, they SOUND so civilized, they are masters at the art of sounding civilized.

laurie6781

I would also suggest that ANY and ALL mail that comes for him to your address you return with the notation "not at this address" "return to sender" on the envelope.

Don't open them, don't look at them. Just send the mail back.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Lilly Burn

Hi nodaybuttoday, I really appreciate your comments...because its less than a year I was shocked myself to discover that I could try for a divorce now...it would cost less if I waited 2 years but who knows what he might need by then, his mind set, not worth the risk"! I am petitioning him on adultery (with pole dancer! Then if he doesnt agree, I have to petition him on behaviours...oooh lots there..even if he doesnt agree we can still go ahead. Courts arent interested in reasons for irretrievable breakdown anymore (sign of the times). I do think that the decree will just go through in his absence, just as well cos he is thousands of miles away, thank god.!!! What a life!! Lilly xxx ps thank god for my friends, my rocks they are.

Lilly Burn

Hi Laurie, Ive been doing that from the start, Im also on advice from my solicitor going to our major company experian who looks after all credit to get him off my credit record... Ive always had 100 per cent credit rating, I helped him gain a good credit rating and now hes happy to ruin mine, without, Im sure, even thinkiing about it..... Lilly x

Thumper

Yes my ah sounds very rational when he's not totally drunk and ranting. He sounds fine and twists things around so that it seems I am the one making all the crazy decisions and not being rational.

Still Waters

My AH sounds reasonable while he saying totally insane things. Things that can't possibly be true, but he sounds totally together while saying them.

Crazy.

myawakening

Ditto Ladies...DITTO!

OtherHalf7

My AXH just served me with papers, trying to get an order of protection lifted in order to see the children. It's frustrating, as it's Christmastime and he skipped child support payments presumably to hire this attorney.

He is a sociopath, suave, charming, popular...but, when we went to court in September, he could not keep up that front: I held my tongue, and watched in amusement as his true colors came out, and I won.

I agree that you should see about the default judgement...it took me nearly 2 years to divorce him, but the judge finally granted it. I advise you to keep your temper in check, and his nature will show...stay strong.
OH7

kia

agreed my ah is charming and very articu1ate never sounds drunk theres times when im not with him that i wonder is he drunk or not when i know he probab1y is rare1y sober but he twists it round too to make it sound as if its me whos nutty and irrationa1 women are charmed by him cos hes po1ite on the phone and in person just to me he shows the true person he can become if he justs goes over that 1ine where they just drink that too much xxxkia

Cowgirl1265

IMO, he might sound all charming and civilized, sound like he has it together, but in reality, it's still "quacking."

"I'm doing great, I really miss you, I'm sorry how I left you" = "Quack, Quack, Quack."

If its a hook to get you to do something he wants, its quacking.

TakingCharge999

Ugh all that is a test to see if you trust your experience! don't allow any doubt in or else you will be in pain. I recall when you arrived to SR, Lilly. And lately reading your compassionate posts towards others I thought you were a long-timer but with this thread I remembered what you went through, I remember how much you suffered...

They all could make Al Pacino, Robert de Niro, Meryl streep pale in Acting skills just remember they "sound good" "act good" "show up shaved and clean" that does not mean they ARE good and instantly recovered. That takes years of hard work.... otherwise its just a show without substance...

You know better now !!!!!! and I'm so glad he is a STBXAH!!

Kittyboo

TC999 - your statement comparing them to great actors- SO TRUE.
I know that mine did an amazing job of making me feel so bad for him. Besides that though, the "showing up shaved and clean"..... that comparison actually makes me feel a bit better.
(Yes, I still struggle with the fact that he went back to his ex, it's a REALLY hurt ego thing).

But wow, did he do everything he could to get her back. He was shaved, clean and even had his teeth whitened before he first went back to see her. His teeth were so stained from so much wine, and cigs.....really stained.
I have to say the show made me wonder if he had an amazing overnight transformation and her love was enough to turn him into all he could be and they are living in a castle eating cotton candy all day.... but yeah, prob not.
What I do know for a fact is that for the 9 months after he left her the first time while talking to me he was drinking heavily everyday, doing coke atleast once that he admitted to, and no doubt sleeping with a couple of girls if not more....so he wasn't exactly working on recovery.

The ACT IS INCREDIBLE. Hey, I would totally get dressed up one night for an awards show! We should nominate them in categories and present..... i'll accept on the behalf of my former, and I have a GREAT speech prepared!

TakingCharge999

I guess if they showed their true colors all this process would be much much easier, but no, its the constant Jekyll and Mr Hyde game. In my brief experience I ended up EXHAUSTED of trying to know who he was... in SR I learned he is both of them and they came together in the menu, I could not say "I'll have Jekyll only, please" nope.

Just like us we can be our best one day and then show our worse traits the next day... the thing to know is if the "worst" traits of the partner are things you can cope with and that he/she recognizes them... if someone's Hyde involves addictions of any kind, I'm out...