slipping, slipping..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
slipping, slipping..
this is pretty long, sorry guys it's mainly me processing
I've been in a great spot with my AH for a few weeks, working together constantly to move out of our foreclosed home, trying to sort out who owns it now and when they'll be there to throw what's left of our stuff out, it's a trip. We've been kind to each other and supportive.
The first week I stayed at the foreclosed house with AH and ended up getting really angry about the past. Nothing he was doing in the present, just issues from the past, living in that house, his affair, etc.
Then I got some distance. He's been spending a lot of time over here if he's not working, helping me unpack, okay doing most of the unpacking, while I work, go to yoga, and take care of the kids. The kids, by the way, are really driving me crazy. My youngest has focus issues and I have to stay right with him if I expect him to accomplish anything. I"m working to stay calm, but seriously, things are getting tough. It's hard to juggle everything (for me) and have really appreciated AH being here helping to unpack. I pretty much have a little pathway through the house, tons of boxes.
we had a fight today. I unloaded a bunch of stuff on him. He interrupted me recently when I was talkng to the kids and challenged me in front of them. He's starting to do passive aggressive stuff. Old habits. For both of us.
So today I realized I was afraid, yet again, that he wouldnt like me. Stupid stuff, amazing really. We're getting divorced! Fortunatly, someone recently posted about the King Baby syndrome and I realized he often behaves like a spoiled brat.
He doesnt' like the way I do things around here. Thinks I yell at the kids too much, etc. It makes me feel bad about myself.
But you know what? I bet there is man out there that would love me and be kind to me even when he saw things he perceived as imperfect. Heck, I don't think anyone is perfect.
i no longer am operating on the assumption that if AH doesn't agree with me and how I am as a person, that I am unlovable and there is something wrong with me. It's getting easier to recognize when I'm beginning to do this and pull out of it before it gets ugly.
Call me slow. Or childish. But this is important. I am earning independence from him.
To be fair, he also has been very very helpful, doing much of the moving, lifting and organizing. But I shifted into being comfortable with him taking over and setting up my house.
So back to refocusing my attention and kindness and energy and time back onto me. Back to making clearer and better boundaries with AH. I can count on becoming confused and sad and angry when I spend too much time with him. The reasons don't even matter so much, just how I feel and what I know works to make me feel better.
Like, detachment.
I've been in a great spot with my AH for a few weeks, working together constantly to move out of our foreclosed home, trying to sort out who owns it now and when they'll be there to throw what's left of our stuff out, it's a trip. We've been kind to each other and supportive.
The first week I stayed at the foreclosed house with AH and ended up getting really angry about the past. Nothing he was doing in the present, just issues from the past, living in that house, his affair, etc.
Then I got some distance. He's been spending a lot of time over here if he's not working, helping me unpack, okay doing most of the unpacking, while I work, go to yoga, and take care of the kids. The kids, by the way, are really driving me crazy. My youngest has focus issues and I have to stay right with him if I expect him to accomplish anything. I"m working to stay calm, but seriously, things are getting tough. It's hard to juggle everything (for me) and have really appreciated AH being here helping to unpack. I pretty much have a little pathway through the house, tons of boxes.
we had a fight today. I unloaded a bunch of stuff on him. He interrupted me recently when I was talkng to the kids and challenged me in front of them. He's starting to do passive aggressive stuff. Old habits. For both of us.
So today I realized I was afraid, yet again, that he wouldnt like me. Stupid stuff, amazing really. We're getting divorced! Fortunatly, someone recently posted about the King Baby syndrome and I realized he often behaves like a spoiled brat.
He doesnt' like the way I do things around here. Thinks I yell at the kids too much, etc. It makes me feel bad about myself.
But you know what? I bet there is man out there that would love me and be kind to me even when he saw things he perceived as imperfect. Heck, I don't think anyone is perfect.
i no longer am operating on the assumption that if AH doesn't agree with me and how I am as a person, that I am unlovable and there is something wrong with me. It's getting easier to recognize when I'm beginning to do this and pull out of it before it gets ugly.
Call me slow. Or childish. But this is important. I am earning independence from him.
To be fair, he also has been very very helpful, doing much of the moving, lifting and organizing. But I shifted into being comfortable with him taking over and setting up my house.
So back to refocusing my attention and kindness and energy and time back onto me. Back to making clearer and better boundaries with AH. I can count on becoming confused and sad and angry when I spend too much time with him. The reasons don't even matter so much, just how I feel and what I know works to make me feel better.
Like, detachment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I have the exact same issues with X thinking I yell at the kids too much, and with me being messy. Honestly, I do yell at them too much, and I am messy, and those are things I am working on. I do feel unlovable when he points out my flaws and I also get angry at him which makes me feel more unlovable. I know I am supposed to totally own my $hit, but I feel that if he had been more supportive, I wouldn't have had problems to the extent that I do. I basically raised a needy infant alone, homeschooled our oldest alone, worked, started a business and worked my ass off running it, all while he drank and had affairs. That was pretty effing stressful and probably made me yell more than I should have and probably made me not give a crap if the house was messy.
I had a memory of one of my ex-boyfriends the other day. It didn't work out between us, but he was a decent guy. I remembered how I had lost my $hit about something and started yelling and crying. Afterward I felt really depressed that I had done that and was crying and just kind of hating myself. He said, "Don't hate yourself. You're just a really intense person. It's who you are." I really didn't appreciate the acceptance he showed me by saying that. I mean, it made me feel better, but now looking back I really realize that I was accepted by that person for who I was. And he was a neat freak who never yelled!
I had a memory of one of my ex-boyfriends the other day. It didn't work out between us, but he was a decent guy. I remembered how I had lost my $hit about something and started yelling and crying. Afterward I felt really depressed that I had done that and was crying and just kind of hating myself. He said, "Don't hate yourself. You're just a really intense person. It's who you are." I really didn't appreciate the acceptance he showed me by saying that. I mean, it made me feel better, but now looking back I really realize that I was accepted by that person for who I was. And he was a neat freak who never yelled!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I see your process here transform and it's great!
I have come to realize just how quickly triggers can really send me sliding downhill before I ever even know what's happening.
I tend to look at how quickly I see the slip and get back to healthy behaviors as a sign of progress in recovery.
In this light, I see how far you've come. I see you letting your feelings cue you to something being wrong and instead of just reacting emotionally as we all get in the cycle of doing, you are thinking those feelings through. You are taking ownership of negative feelings when triggered, practicing positive self talk, and putting into perspective what and not who defines you really as a person, as a woman, as a mother.
Great recovery work here!!
Alice
I have come to realize just how quickly triggers can really send me sliding downhill before I ever even know what's happening.
I tend to look at how quickly I see the slip and get back to healthy behaviors as a sign of progress in recovery.
In this light, I see how far you've come. I see you letting your feelings cue you to something being wrong and instead of just reacting emotionally as we all get in the cycle of doing, you are thinking those feelings through. You are taking ownership of negative feelings when triggered, practicing positive self talk, and putting into perspective what and not who defines you really as a person, as a woman, as a mother.
Great recovery work here!!
Alice
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Your progress is showing!!!!!
His 'opinion' won't matter once you finally understand that it is coming from a 'warped, fried, alcoholic brain'. He may have been nice the last weeks, 'helping you unpack' etc, but ........................ he still needs 'chaos, and drama' for whatever reasons (usually an excuse to get hammered) and he knows what buttons to push to get a response.
Now you are slowly changing your responses and that is GREAT, but he will keep trying.
I use the phrase for myself a lot;
"Progress not perfection."
Your progress is really showing!!!!! You go girl!!!!!
Love and hugs,
His 'opinion' won't matter once you finally understand that it is coming from a 'warped, fried, alcoholic brain'. He may have been nice the last weeks, 'helping you unpack' etc, but ........................ he still needs 'chaos, and drama' for whatever reasons (usually an excuse to get hammered) and he knows what buttons to push to get a response.
Now you are slowly changing your responses and that is GREAT, but he will keep trying.
I use the phrase for myself a lot;
"Progress not perfection."
Your progress is really showing!!!!! You go girl!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Aw, thanks everybody.
He's been getting pushy with me, saying I'm "disrespecting" him when I asked him to not let the cat out, "challenging my integrity." He's an idiot. We're talking about the cat, Dude.
Yet he insists he can't "deal with my issues." Funny. You're a funny guy.
Thanks to you good people, I can see this for what it is. And I simply do not feel like crying, begging, trying to explain anything or really engaging in any way. It's a miracle!!
Love, love, love, Transform..
He's been getting pushy with me, saying I'm "disrespecting" him when I asked him to not let the cat out, "challenging my integrity." He's an idiot. We're talking about the cat, Dude.
Yet he insists he can't "deal with my issues." Funny. You're a funny guy.
Thanks to you good people, I can see this for what it is. And I simply do not feel like crying, begging, trying to explain anything or really engaging in any way. It's a miracle!!
Love, love, love, Transform..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He said, "Don't hate yourself. You're just a really intense person. It's who you are." I really didn't appreciate the acceptance he showed me by saying that. I mean, it made me feel better, but now looking back I really realize that I was accepted by that person for who I was. And he was a neat freak who never yelled!
So this is really part of the alcoholism, right? Common traits among them all? The drama crap?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well I totally went on a rant here, but know why. It's because I"m not realizing my potential and writing my memoir, which will show others my path and encourage them to heal themselves. Thanks for tolerating me.
Well that link was interesting. yes I agree with this
But his marketing strategy really pisses me off.
This guy is a jerkwad, Steve Reed the Psychotherapist. And his marketing tactic amounts to extortion. "Look how screwed up you are! The only help you can find is professional help!"
Bite me. I've been working through and uncovering my underlying emotional pain in my life with the help of The Spirits and God for years. Yes, it's painful, yes I have courage, but each time I go to a "professional" I discover they're more screwed up than I am. Seriously. I think people go into this field because they themselves have serious issues.
Here is a summation of my belief. Yes, I know many many folks benefit from professional help, but his tactic of giving folks who are desperatly looking for answers some hope (through information about their condition) then telling them, "this will be hard and you need INSERT WHAT I'M SELLING HERE" is one of the things wrong with society.
A true medicine person will offer wisdom, support and leave the person to their own discovery, without selling them anything.
"TO MY FELLOW SWIMMERS"
"We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour
And there are things to be considered
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in the right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off and into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water.
See who is in there with you and Celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over,
Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner
And in celebration."
"WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR..."
Hopi Nation, Oraibi Arizona
September, 2001
Well that link was interesting. yes I agree with this
Whether someone has an addiction to a substance, an activity or another person, they are attempting to medicate or distract themselves from the emotional pain of their life. It is through courageously facing and ultimately resolving their underlying pain that people can finally free themselves from an addictive relationship cycle.
Since 1992, emerging and evolving treatments are making the job of easing intense emotional pain possible. Treatments that research and clinical experience prove powerful enough to eliminate the pain of traumatic events include Quick REMAP, the REMAP process, EFT and EMDR. Easing this type of pain allows us to change an underlying and driving dynamic in love addiction.
Although it will require professional help, love addicts can change and they can replace their addictive patterns with a healthier version of love. They can learn to say good-by to love addiction.
Although it will require professional help, love addicts can change and they can replace their addictive patterns with a healthier version of love. They can learn to say good-by to love addiction.
Bite me. I've been working through and uncovering my underlying emotional pain in my life with the help of The Spirits and God for years. Yes, it's painful, yes I have courage, but each time I go to a "professional" I discover they're more screwed up than I am. Seriously. I think people go into this field because they themselves have serious issues.
Here is a summation of my belief. Yes, I know many many folks benefit from professional help, but his tactic of giving folks who are desperatly looking for answers some hope (through information about their condition) then telling them, "this will be hard and you need INSERT WHAT I'M SELLING HERE" is one of the things wrong with society.
A true medicine person will offer wisdom, support and leave the person to their own discovery, without selling them anything.
"TO MY FELLOW SWIMMERS"
"We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour
And there are things to be considered
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in the right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off and into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water.
See who is in there with you and Celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over,
Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner
And in celebration."
"WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR..."
Hopi Nation, Oraibi Arizona
September, 2001
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
ok, if you were able to weed through my diatribe above, here's the relevant part:
I think I have finally hit a place where I realize that my AH's actions aren't about me. Last night, for instance, he blew up at me while picking up the kids. I just reiterated what I was saying and went back to my dishes--not angrily but just happy to be rid of him.
Today, of course, he sends the apology text. I respond with, "Thanks for the apology. You're right, it is not okay that you blow up at me. Have a good day."
Whatever. I hadn't even thought about him blowing up all night or today! It's his problem, not mine.
This is a freaking miracle. I used to agonize over how to deal with him. Should I send a text back? What should I say. I just don't care anymore. Happy cashier lady all the way.
I think I have finally hit a place where I realize that my AH's actions aren't about me. Last night, for instance, he blew up at me while picking up the kids. I just reiterated what I was saying and went back to my dishes--not angrily but just happy to be rid of him.
Today, of course, he sends the apology text. I respond with, "Thanks for the apology. You're right, it is not okay that you blow up at me. Have a good day."
Whatever. I hadn't even thought about him blowing up all night or today! It's his problem, not mine.
This is a freaking miracle. I used to agonize over how to deal with him. Should I send a text back? What should I say. I just don't care anymore. Happy cashier lady all the way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by transformyself 
So today I realized I was afraid, yet again, that he wouldnt like me. Stupid stuff, amazing really. We're getting divorced!
Thinks I yell at the kids too much, etc. It makes me feel bad about myself.
Originally Posted by transformyself
ok, if you were able to weed through my diatribe above, here's the relevant part:
I think I have finally hit a place where I realize that my AH's actions aren't about me.
I think I have finally hit a place where I realize that my AH's actions aren't about me.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Call me crazy, but I believe some day I'll have a relationship with a man who supports and loves me more than I can believe possible. Just gotta loose the King Baby AH. We've agreed to help each other out over the holidays, and its opening my eyes much btw, but I have to move steadily into independence. Buh bye scary, crybaby-man who used to hold the remote to my life. Buh-bye...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
My post with the link seems to have vanished. I can only assume it was removed because it contravened the forum rules or policy. If so - I apologize. I didn't mean to break any rules or offend or upset anyone. I had only read the page with the little chart, highlighted in yellow. I hadn't read any of the rest of the site because I'm not interested in buying anything either 
I love my little dog too Transform! She's an absolute doll. She's what we call a Mini Foxie in Australia. I think they're like your Rat Terriers over there.
I love my little dog too Transform! She's an absolute doll. She's what we call a Mini Foxie in Australia. I think they're like your Rat Terriers over there.
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