Anyone else sad and lonely for the holidays?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Anyone else sad and lonely for the holidays?
Been deciding whether to post. Another holiday and more loneliness, sadness etc. Sometimes I wonder if RAH is really in recovery - his anger continues to get the best of him and us - continues to keep us apart - I assume it is the A pattern continuing without the alcohol. The only difference this year is that i didn't expect to have things go smoothly - I released my expectations and tried to be flexible. Didn't expect him to have a reason to blow up at me - but I have been practising boundaries and instead of blowing up back I told him that I had enough of his ill behavior and not to call for awhile b/c I am not taking it anymore.
Somehow,it seems like the old pattern where he has it set up to push a button that he knows will magically allow me to push him away - in the past it was so he could drink - what is the excuse now?
Somehow,it seems like the old pattern where he has it set up to push a button that he knows will magically allow me to push him away - in the past it was so he could drink - what is the excuse now?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Mine does that same even when not drinking.......I suppose it is all a part of it. Someone on here explained that just "not drinking" is not recovery, that they have to work at is and get help...well...mine won't do that, so his behavior is the same whether drinking or not, and maybe possibly more angry because he isn't "able" to drink - though he just hides it and does anyway.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
First christmas for 7 years without my husband...sad but I try to remember what Christmas meant, the last two were awful...so I keep shaking off my rose tinted glasses...what it could have been but never would ideas and at least i can enjoy the festive season without constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering where he is, what will happen when we go out etc...But still...I miss him. Christmas wishes to you and roll on a new year and a new start...Lilly x
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi there you guys.
Thank you for posting this because it helped me remember that last Christmas, my AH got angry with me because I wouldn't move the car while we were fighting and actually bashed his car into mine in the driveway.
Being detached from that insanity is the best Christmas present of my life.
I wish we lived closer, I'd have you over to hang out with me, the kids and the new puppy.
MAKE THIS HOLIDAY THE BEST YET, YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!
Thank you for posting this because it helped me remember that last Christmas, my AH got angry with me because I wouldn't move the car while we were fighting and actually bashed his car into mine in the driveway.
Being detached from that insanity is the best Christmas present of my life.
I wish we lived closer, I'd have you over to hang out with me, the kids and the new puppy.
MAKE THIS HOLIDAY THE BEST YET, YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Three Christmases ago, my husband was drunk the entire holiday season, aruging and fighting w/me daily. Last Christmas he was in rehab, with the promises of future Christmases being as wonderful as the ones we shared when he was sober for over 15 years. (They were wonderful, best time of the year. Love, family, presents, etc.) He left me this past Sept. (due to my "nagging" and him being "sick" of me lol). This Christmas he is spending it in jail on a dwi. I am w/my kids and grandkids.
Do I miss those beautiful Christmases we shared as a loving family? Sure do. Do I miss him this Christmas? Those wonderful Christmases we did share I will always treasure in my heart, but as for missing him, what's there to miss? The fighting, the aruging, the drunkeness 24/7? The broken promises, the walking on egg shells, the Christmas presents that were bought while drunk and were 5 sizes too small or purchased without any thought at all?
This Christmas will be spent w/my kids and grandkids ... love in our hearts.
To anyone out there who is missing their AH this holiday season, try to look back and see what was so "wonderful" about prior holidays that you would even miss.
Happy Holidays Everyone!
Do I miss those beautiful Christmases we shared as a loving family? Sure do. Do I miss him this Christmas? Those wonderful Christmases we did share I will always treasure in my heart, but as for missing him, what's there to miss? The fighting, the aruging, the drunkeness 24/7? The broken promises, the walking on egg shells, the Christmas presents that were bought while drunk and were 5 sizes too small or purchased without any thought at all?
This Christmas will be spent w/my kids and grandkids ... love in our hearts.
To anyone out there who is missing their AH this holiday season, try to look back and see what was so "wonderful" about prior holidays that you would even miss.
Happy Holidays Everyone!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
In the same boat - guess I'll grab an oar!!!
Sorry that the rest of you who experience this brand of crap on a regular basis are there with me...I'm taking this as another opportunity to learn Let Go etc. I too am sad, lonely and angry. Even tho he is abstaining his behavior and attitude continue to demonstrate his inner rage...yuk. But I'm doing my best not to get any of it on me - it is amazing to me how he makes every attempt to "suck me into it". Wish I'd had better understanding when we first got together...reflecting back I can see clearly how he "preyed" on my kindness, understanding and ability to forgive. At 58 on Christmas Birthday I doubt I'll get the chance to find someone else once I get a job and move on...but then there are miracles so I can hope for one. It is a miracle today that I'm not letting him get my goat. It is amazing that he actually tries harder and harder to goad me when I'm practicing detachment (even the tiniest bit I am able to muster) I don't even pray for him anymore...I pray for me and peace.
Blessings and strength to all of you for the holiday.
D
Blessings and strength to all of you for the holiday.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am very sad. I am sad on behalf of my children who are really struggling. Christmas was quite nice for us. I'd get immensity frustrated because I couldn't get my ah to let go of a beer and help with the kids or help with anything so I could prepare the meal and get ready for company but all in all - it was OK. We are used to family gatherings and this year will be just the kids and I and ah will come over and open gifts etc. with the kids but it is sure to be uncomfortable and sad - regret for what could have been if not for alcoholism and it's greedy, evil, destructive self.......and the man that let it win.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Wow, you are all amazing people! Thanks for the stories, the sharing from the heart, and again, reminding me that I am not alone. How do you get there?
Today as i was driving home from work trying to remind myself of what I was giving up and getting in return. I realized that I was giving up the tension, the conflict, the walking on eggshells, the changeableness of moods, the changeableness of plans, fear and anger. What I gain is my self respect, peace, and consistency. I may not have the companionship and it may be harder financially, but there is peace.
It has been a tough week -the car had to be taken in, then the snow storm came leaving me on my own to bale out, and tonight I arrived home to the heater breaking down. But... one read here reminds me that these things are temporary setbacks and I may get tired... better than having my self respect beaten up or frightened by the antics of a person who is consumed by an illness and even though he isn't drinking it still stinks. I have to remember that last C. he walked out during breakfast and was drunk all day - called me 24 times (all of them I ignored) to curse me out - while I went ahead and had a quiet day. If I could handle that - I can get through this one.
Today as i was driving home from work trying to remind myself of what I was giving up and getting in return. I realized that I was giving up the tension, the conflict, the walking on eggshells, the changeableness of moods, the changeableness of plans, fear and anger. What I gain is my self respect, peace, and consistency. I may not have the companionship and it may be harder financially, but there is peace.
It has been a tough week -the car had to be taken in, then the snow storm came leaving me on my own to bale out, and tonight I arrived home to the heater breaking down. But... one read here reminds me that these things are temporary setbacks and I may get tired... better than having my self respect beaten up or frightened by the antics of a person who is consumed by an illness and even though he isn't drinking it still stinks. I have to remember that last C. he walked out during breakfast and was drunk all day - called me 24 times (all of them I ignored) to curse me out - while I went ahead and had a quiet day. If I could handle that - I can get through this one.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Holidays suck so much! why not rent a whole series and watch it anytime you can? i am watching Heroes first season for the second time because I liked it..... and I know there are great series out there, or the L word, la Femme Nikita... anything about strong females with character is best.... or Law and Order... well those are my picks anyway!
What has got me going lately is knowing later or tomorrow I may feel different... if I feel good or bad it doesn't matter because it will change anyway....
What has got me going lately is knowing later or tomorrow I may feel different... if I feel good or bad it doesn't matter because it will change anyway....
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Thanks again, today was worse... like the suggestions but i'm tired of being strong.
Been thinking more about letting go - don't feel ready but in a way I am - I know what is best for me - I can't control my RAH - I can't live with his way of thinking and doing things right now. I would like him to learn some things but I know it is his timing.
My timing is lousy but I know it is not good for me to be around him right now.
Been thinking more about letting go - don't feel ready but in a way I am - I know what is best for me - I can't control my RAH - I can't live with his way of thinking and doing things right now. I would like him to learn some things but I know it is his timing.
My timing is lousy but I know it is not good for me to be around him right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Well good day everyone! To anyone posting today - probably you are alone like I am.
It is partly my choice this time - ever since my RAH and I have been together the holidays have been a mess. Full of chaos, conflict, and dissappointment. Last year, at his worst, H walked out C morning during breakfast to drink all day and we didn't talk until NYEve when he tried to apologize and then started fighting again. He got sober one month later.
We live separately so it is easier in some ways. This year has been better without the alcohol but underlying negative thinking and uncontrolled emotions and poor communication skills have now permitted much improvement in our marriage.
so this year as things were continuing to be rocky i made up my mind that it would be better to spend the holidays without him included and alone than to go through all the hoops. RAH was initially convincing that we could do this year without the fighting b/c he isn't drinking. we got as far as 6 days after Thanksgiving. Barely talked for the next few weeks until my son called to say he had started his shopping and wanted more ideas for my H. It hit me then that I didn't know what to say - and then I was angry - why don't I know what we are doing for the holiday? Why don't i know if we will be together or not? I suddenly hit me that this was crazy! So I called my H and told him so. We had a great conversation about it - about how hard things are for us - and how much we each would like to see the rel work out. A very honest conversation with some difficult things said and taken without argument. So tried and it lasted three days!
It started over a convo on the phone at night when I was tired and didn't feel up to listening to him reading something he read on the internet of interest to him but unrelated to anything I had interest in. He took offense, began attacking our relationship for all other reasons, when I reminded him that many of our conflicts are related to his drinking and probably would not have been so poorly managed without that element. He took further offense and cut me off. I didn't like that but understand how sensitive he is with references to his drinking.
Next day he informs that he will be over but reminds me that he is very angry with me for what I said. He proceeded to give me a list of things I cannot say to him while he is there. I tried to explain my frustration about how his anger controls the time we spend together. His response what mean and he blew off Christmas - so I told him that I didn't want to have any contact with him for awhile. With that he wanted the rel over.
I have been sad and lonely, but it is quiet today. My choice to have quiet. One day at a time.
Blessed Christmas everyone!
It is partly my choice this time - ever since my RAH and I have been together the holidays have been a mess. Full of chaos, conflict, and dissappointment. Last year, at his worst, H walked out C morning during breakfast to drink all day and we didn't talk until NYEve when he tried to apologize and then started fighting again. He got sober one month later.
We live separately so it is easier in some ways. This year has been better without the alcohol but underlying negative thinking and uncontrolled emotions and poor communication skills have now permitted much improvement in our marriage.
so this year as things were continuing to be rocky i made up my mind that it would be better to spend the holidays without him included and alone than to go through all the hoops. RAH was initially convincing that we could do this year without the fighting b/c he isn't drinking. we got as far as 6 days after Thanksgiving. Barely talked for the next few weeks until my son called to say he had started his shopping and wanted more ideas for my H. It hit me then that I didn't know what to say - and then I was angry - why don't I know what we are doing for the holiday? Why don't i know if we will be together or not? I suddenly hit me that this was crazy! So I called my H and told him so. We had a great conversation about it - about how hard things are for us - and how much we each would like to see the rel work out. A very honest conversation with some difficult things said and taken without argument. So tried and it lasted three days!
It started over a convo on the phone at night when I was tired and didn't feel up to listening to him reading something he read on the internet of interest to him but unrelated to anything I had interest in. He took offense, began attacking our relationship for all other reasons, when I reminded him that many of our conflicts are related to his drinking and probably would not have been so poorly managed without that element. He took further offense and cut me off. I didn't like that but understand how sensitive he is with references to his drinking.
Next day he informs that he will be over but reminds me that he is very angry with me for what I said. He proceeded to give me a list of things I cannot say to him while he is there. I tried to explain my frustration about how his anger controls the time we spend together. His response what mean and he blew off Christmas - so I told him that I didn't want to have any contact with him for awhile. With that he wanted the rel over.
I have been sad and lonely, but it is quiet today. My choice to have quiet. One day at a time.
Blessed Christmas everyone!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi kassie!
I am alone too...
Although my therapist told me "you are never alone, you are with yourself".
I too am doing stuff I like. To me its the same sunny day as usual. My parents and sister called yesterday and I missed them, was sad, then had a nightmare about XABF...
These are tough times, these "celebrations" but we are closer to year 2010. I am happy, I didn't think I would make it. Just like the Tao says... "on who travels more knows less and less" (bad translation) which I take it as... you can be in a stadium and be the loneliest person on Earth... or you can be alone and be whole feeling part of something bigger... you need nothing, no one else, to count your blessings today.
It is tough not picking others trash and anger, etc. but we can do it kassie. The peace, the quiet, the joy, its all in us.
I am alone too...
Although my therapist told me "you are never alone, you are with yourself".
I too am doing stuff I like. To me its the same sunny day as usual. My parents and sister called yesterday and I missed them, was sad, then had a nightmare about XABF...
These are tough times, these "celebrations" but we are closer to year 2010. I am happy, I didn't think I would make it. Just like the Tao says... "on who travels more knows less and less" (bad translation) which I take it as... you can be in a stadium and be the loneliest person on Earth... or you can be alone and be whole feeling part of something bigger... you need nothing, no one else, to count your blessings today.
It is tough not picking others trash and anger, etc. but we can do it kassie. The peace, the quiet, the joy, its all in us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I'm alone... but happy that he's not here to bother me. I am sad. My kids have so many issues. They are almost as hard to deal with as my AH. I let so many things go because I was always dealing with him. I'm also stressed because of all the well meaning people who have to ask me if: "he's called yet?" and I want to scream... "heck no!!! he's partying!!! he tells you all kind of bull! He's not going to call!!!" But they don't get it..
I'm so tired... I'll be happy when the holidays are over...
I'm so tired... I'll be happy when the holidays are over...
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Kassie2...you have no idea how much I dreaded this holiday. I cried most of last night and again this morning before my adult children came over. I was filled with such sadness and anger...two of my strongest emotions during this whole journey.
But you know what? We made our own new memories today! It started out rocky for me, but it turned out well. My kids saw their dad for about 1 hour this morning to open presents. After that he went home or to whatever pig he is with now. My children spent the entire day with me!!! They are supportive of me and are so disgusted with their Dad. Not for just the drinking, but his new found piece on the side. He has lost the respect of his kids. In the end he lost way more than I did!!
My day was spent in peace not worrying if he was going to start a fight with me in front of our family or if he was going to be obnoxious. I didn't have that stress on me. While I still fought the sadness and anger...I was happy in the knowledge that I have the love and support of my kids...they were with me this special day. We had a wonderful time and we made new happy memories!!!
We should all stand up and give ourselves a round of applause...one way or the other we all made it throught this day. It's done! It's over with...and we survived!!! One down...one more to go for this year:-D
But you know what? We made our own new memories today! It started out rocky for me, but it turned out well. My kids saw their dad for about 1 hour this morning to open presents. After that he went home or to whatever pig he is with now. My children spent the entire day with me!!! They are supportive of me and are so disgusted with their Dad. Not for just the drinking, but his new found piece on the side. He has lost the respect of his kids. In the end he lost way more than I did!!
My day was spent in peace not worrying if he was going to start a fight with me in front of our family or if he was going to be obnoxious. I didn't have that stress on me. While I still fought the sadness and anger...I was happy in the knowledge that I have the love and support of my kids...they were with me this special day. We had a wonderful time and we made new happy memories!!!
We should all stand up and give ourselves a round of applause...one way or the other we all made it throught this day. It's done! It's over with...and we survived!!! One down...one more to go for this year:-D
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Alone....yes. Sad....yes. I was sad every single day leading up to this day. And a part of me is sad today, to be alone. I got a lot of text messages, but reallly only 2 phone calls. I believe I have mentioned how much I hate living here in other threads! 
That's ok, only 5 more months I tell myself.
But, after having moments of crying just about every day for the past 2 weeks.... being angry at myself for feeling so stupid over not accepting the RED flags and walking away LONG ago, for feeling taken advantage of, for caring about someone who only wished he was with someone else when he was with me, for STILL thinking about this jerk 5 months later....UUUGHHHH, it's just constant pain in my heart. And with the "loss" of him, I start thinking about other friends I have lost...
Then all of a sudden I thought, WHY AM I PUTTING SO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE NO LONGER A PART OF MY LIFE?? Why, when it does nothing but depress me, effect my self esteem because I keep searching for what I did wrong. Yes, maybe some things, but I have to stop blaming myself. So I told myself I need to start thinking about the people that are IN my life, and are POSITIVE and who I LOVE and who I know LOVE ME.
I wrote a list of the people who are not in my life, who I have clearly been clinging to some negative feelings about. I was surprised to only come up with 4 people that were significant to me who let me down. Including XA. I say I was surprised because I am in a constant fear of abandonment. I can thank my dad for this! So to realize that not EVERYONE in my life that I care about has left me, was healing.
Next I wrote out a list of the people who I consider my closest friends, who I feel make me better. And I think many of us realize that as we get older we tend to have a few friends but many aquaintances.
I realized that though I cannot be near them right now, I am blessed to have several people in my life who are supportive, who have listened to my redundant coping of my feelings about XA, and I can count on.
This realization made last night and today a little better than I think it would have been.
So I say, even when it's hard, list the people in your life who you are grateful for. You may be surprised to read that there are more than you think.
Also today I am grateful that I am in the position to move, and I also have a warm apt, and 2 doves who are cozied together on their little perch.
This is a tough time of year, and I hope each one of you found some peace, if only for a moment.
That's ok, only 5 more months I tell myself.But, after having moments of crying just about every day for the past 2 weeks.... being angry at myself for feeling so stupid over not accepting the RED flags and walking away LONG ago, for feeling taken advantage of, for caring about someone who only wished he was with someone else when he was with me, for STILL thinking about this jerk 5 months later....UUUGHHHH, it's just constant pain in my heart. And with the "loss" of him, I start thinking about other friends I have lost...
Then all of a sudden I thought, WHY AM I PUTTING SO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE NO LONGER A PART OF MY LIFE?? Why, when it does nothing but depress me, effect my self esteem because I keep searching for what I did wrong. Yes, maybe some things, but I have to stop blaming myself. So I told myself I need to start thinking about the people that are IN my life, and are POSITIVE and who I LOVE and who I know LOVE ME.
I wrote a list of the people who are not in my life, who I have clearly been clinging to some negative feelings about. I was surprised to only come up with 4 people that were significant to me who let me down. Including XA. I say I was surprised because I am in a constant fear of abandonment. I can thank my dad for this! So to realize that not EVERYONE in my life that I care about has left me, was healing.
Next I wrote out a list of the people who I consider my closest friends, who I feel make me better. And I think many of us realize that as we get older we tend to have a few friends but many aquaintances.
I realized that though I cannot be near them right now, I am blessed to have several people in my life who are supportive, who have listened to my redundant coping of my feelings about XA, and I can count on.
This realization made last night and today a little better than I think it would have been.
So I say, even when it's hard, list the people in your life who you are grateful for. You may be surprised to read that there are more than you think.
Also today I am grateful that I am in the position to move, and I also have a warm apt, and 2 doves who are cozied together on their little perch.
This is a tough time of year, and I hope each one of you found some peace, if only for a moment.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: texarkana, ar
Posts: 8
Hi kassie, thank you for sharing. It is encouraging to read about others being able to detach and not let someone push their buttons. I am having a hard time with detachment right now. I feel so lonely and hurt when the one I stood by through all those horrible times just tosses me aside and moves on, seemingly without a care in the world. Then for some reason sucks me back in just to abuse me and hurt me all over again. It is that cycle of insanity I am trying to get out of but the lonliness makes it difficult. Then it occurred to me that I am even lonlier than when I am actually alone!
It is difficult to find the strength sometimes to undo all the damage but it is one day at a time.
It is difficult to find the strength sometimes to undo all the damage but it is one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Glad everyone got through the day as I did. Always quiet by myself. I have been avoiding the year in review or life review b/c I won't like it much.
Has it been hard to avoid going back? Yes. Those who know some of what is happening on C eve could only say to me that they saw how much I love this man and what a jerk he is. All would like to see me move forward and let him go. I am working on it. I know that all the love is not enough for me to put up with his lack of gratitude, respect and love for me. Funny thing is that I know he loves me - but he has no tools for how to have a positive relationship and isn't in a place where he is learning.
I have watched all the Christmas movies for the past few weeks to remind me that there are special times in ordinary life, that there are miracles to be had and then there is the life that happens everyday. The special times and miracles help us to get through the hardest of times - but the real business of living continues from there one day at a time.
Has it been hard to avoid going back? Yes. Those who know some of what is happening on C eve could only say to me that they saw how much I love this man and what a jerk he is. All would like to see me move forward and let him go. I am working on it. I know that all the love is not enough for me to put up with his lack of gratitude, respect and love for me. Funny thing is that I know he loves me - but he has no tools for how to have a positive relationship and isn't in a place where he is learning.
I have watched all the Christmas movies for the past few weeks to remind me that there are special times in ordinary life, that there are miracles to be had and then there is the life that happens everyday. The special times and miracles help us to get through the hardest of times - but the real business of living continues from there one day at a time.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I thought I would be lonely and scared this holiday. My 3 year fiance overdosed in our bed on 11/29/09. My children are grown and gone with children of their own. I took some time to reflect on the meaning of Christmas, and surrounded myself with positive people. I briefly visited my children and grands. And realize, that life does go on and it's actually a relief not to be stuck in the house with an addict trying to provoke a fight so he can go shoot up in the nearest public bathroom! I came to the conclusion: The Dream Dies The Hardest.
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