s1seven7

It's such a comfort to hear other people's stories and see how brave and strong you all are. I really relate to both Kittyboo and Hoofhappy my XABF isn't even contacting me anymore b/c he is with the new "love of his life" and I am still moping about for the holidays. I really cannot wait for them to be over.

I was actually thinking "What if I had agreed to see him sooner (as he wanted) before he met this other girl, then I could have been spending the holidays with him. BUT I have to remind myself it isn't about the girl, his drinking when we broke a yr. ago was too much for ME and has only escalated since. So what am I really missing? While he never drank on a daily basis his life is so chaotic-still out of work, binge drinking/cocaine whenever he gets the notion , smoking pot everyday is this really what I want in my life? If this girl is willing to accept all this then perhaps that's what's right for them.

I am suspecting if we really remember these instances it will snap us back into reality. How I feel really depends on the day-I am up and down constantly. Kittyboo, I think listing those who r important to u is a good idea. I have been going out with friends and I was thinking the other night how nice it was not to be worried about 'is he going to the bathroom to use coke? Or, not wanting to stay out too long with him in case one of his friends sucks him into staying. Or worse, will he not come home at all b/c he doesn't want to deal with my reaction. What helps me is thinking what a different place I will b in this time next year. I will finally b free of the endless hoping that this time he will change and mean it.

Kassie2

While I took a brief run out complete a few errands I saw a card for Christmas that said something like: Sorry we are having a tough time, I am still willing to fight for our relationship, MC.... I stopped for a moment to think how it expressed my feelings and then started to recall all that has happened in the past few weeks to bring us to this point and I asked myself - what am I thinking? My RAH has hurt me and us repeatedly drinking and not drinking, it is a pattern and not just a mistake... we are not just having a tough time - we have been able to have a normal relationship at all... It really made me think about what I want and what I don't want.

Mambo Queen

One thought that helped me see through the BS this holiday season was thinking about how what I always ever wanted was a partner. Just a partner to work through things together that might come up with our child, with our careers, with life. And how my EXAH, even though he could at times be some wonderful things, could NEVER, ever, be a partner to me. And Lord knows I tried to make him one, because of those other wonderful things, but he just would not, and could not, get in that mindset. I'm dating a man now that IS a partner, and even though we may have difficulties, there is such peace in knowing that ultimately, he wants what is best for me and I want what is best for him. And I would have NEVER had that with my XAH. Thinking about that brought me peace this holiday season, even when XAH called me to tell me he was going to kill himself (which he does with such regularity now, after awhile I just shrug off)/

Kassie2

Thanks MQ - you expressed just what I have thinking about all along. All I ever wanted was a "partner" - I pretty much had everything else. In the beginning it was nice to have someone care about me and though we were used to very different lifestyles - we would work toward a compromise until the Alc would get in the way. He would want to get sober for me initially which did not last. When he did get sober finally this past year he did it for himself, but we haven't been able to get on the same page since. I can see all that we have common and how we flow when things are good - but he is much more self centered. He is stuck on forgetting his past rather than forgiving himself - hence he is so sensitive and defensive for his issues and refuses to deal with mine (or ours).

I am glad to hear that you were able to move forward and find what you were wanting. For myself, I hear many stories of the same from others, but in my life I left a difficult rel and many years later entered a worse one - mostly not feeling good about my chances of finding what I want in the future.

Startingover2

Hey kass! Long time. Sorry to hear things are still not going well even though your AH is sober. I guess we all think that 'sobriety' will solve all of the R issues but until the work is complete it won't happen.

I know you posted before Xmas, but I hope you found some peace and had a good day. I saw you posted to me on the other board and thank you. Same ole Same ole! Wow! they are so manipulating aren't they? LOL

Take care!

Kassie2

Yes, I thought sobriety would change things a lot. It seems that unless he changes the underlying patterns that allowed him to choose to drink he will remain the same.
I really think he is confused himself about why things are not different without the drinking. He has read everything he can but admits that all the reading in the world and not being able to apply it means nothing. He is tired of all the therapy and meetings and readings and just wants to live his life. I understand his frustration, not sure he understands mine.

Kassie2

Here I sit, awake in the middle of the night, guess I am not doing so well after all. I think with much of the holiday out of the way I have stopped being numb. All day I went back and forth in my mind all that has taken place in the four years that we have been married. I can't believe it has been that long now, and still we are as far from being a couple as we were the day before we met.
I am just beginning to go through all the stuff I have had to take from this person who says he loves me.
I was watching Dr Phil today on the mother who drink and drives - he was attacking the rise in alcoholic drinking in this country. I was appalled at the frankness with which this woman defended her drinking and refused to take responsibility for her problem. I feel my husband does the same - he claims he has an illness and expects me to excuse his ill behavior as though he doesn't have any choice. I get that he didn't ask for this disease any more than I asked to have RA but do I mistreat others because of it? He doesn't know the pain and fatigue I feel everyday, but I still do all that I can and that includes keeping in shape and keep my energy up even when I don't feel like it. I don't get angry and give up my responsibilities. This is what I have a hard time with this disease concept - when he is sick he goes to the doctor and takes whatever treatment - but tell him to see a counselor or go into treatment and attend meetings to make lasting changes is a foreign concept. But he still wants me to excuse his behavior.
Back to tonight... I can't sleep because I miss the idea of him, and the idea of having a husband who cares laying next to me. I can't sleep because I am disturbed at how things are turning out. I am lonely, angry and sad. I didn't expect to be at this place in my life - alone and struggling to make ends meet. (Did I mention my friends dumped me over time with this marriage?)
while it isn't over yet, we are apart, I don't know what will happen - I just don't want to be hurt and abandoned anymore - I want to be able to sleep and not worry - oh yeah and that is another new thing for me - I have learned to be afraid - I was never afraid of anything in my life - living with an alcoholic taught me fear and I hate that.
i have more to say but don't want to go further - I think tonight is one of my "darK' nights of the soul. I have been avoiding my feelings for weeks now just to get through the holiday without bringing everyone down.

My story in brief since I never really posted it is this: Met each other five years ago, cancelled a wedding and separated after I realized he had a problem. One year later with a year of sobreity, we married. He began drinking on the honeymoon, and threatened divorced right away. I have a check paying a lawyer to end it two months later but it didn't happen. I have check paying a lawyer to end it one year later but it didn't happen. Then he started to do some work and face his life and the bad decisions he made by looking for his sons whom he abandoned. All was good and then it wasn't. I threatened a separation and this time he time stopped again for three months. One year later, we were separated because he wouldn't stop, and I wouldn't live that way. Being in separate places allowed me some relief and then he got sober. We had plans to reunite eigth months later - it never happened - not because of his drinking but his anger. We tried counselling, but he never stays with it ( our third attempt). With the holidays, he actually insisted on making it ok and signed up us for counselling but bailed on me one week before C.
I am determined to separate myself from the craziness, but am wondering if it really ends. The hardest part is realizing that all my wishes, hopes an dreams for a second chance at happiness in life have not happened and I don't know that they will in this relationship.
What is different for him this relationship, is that he has always walked away from the others and never looked back, but with me he says it but can't really do it. With all the others, he never had to be sober, and with me I won't accept anything less and still he is here. With all the others, he never went to therapy and we have been in/out. The biggest is that he says he has never loved anyone before me.
Am I dreaming still or living the fantasy?

Startingover2

Hey Kass (((HUGS)))

I know the feeling even though my situation is so different. Even though exah and I are divorced, we still come back to eachother. Some may call it stupid on my part, but there is still something there. You gave your all to your M..so did I.

I don't have the magic words for you, but you are heard. Sounds like your H may be sober but has no clue on how to cope with real life drama and real life problems. He used to turn to alcohol, but now cannot do that and he is clueless. Time to seek help to get those tools. I am sorry he won't do that.

Kassie2

I am a little better today though I am paying for the lack of sleep.

Just remembering stuff and wondering what I am to do with it. A question that comes up all the time - in light of his "illness" and its cycles? A normal person would not put up with the c**p - and just walk away. I guess that is why I am setting up boundaries and and taking care of me. It just gets old. It gets tiring waiting for him. And I know that I am supposed to focus on myself and do whatever I want to take care of myself - is there anyone here who has a success story who could shed some light? When I read the BB for family members and listen to long time alanon family who have stayed connected - those people are in a really different place with a different view than the ones I hear from who have left. I know it is up to me to decide what I want and to accept what he can or cannot do. Am I too selfish or self centered or unrealistic to want easy? Is it really possible with or without?

Kassie2

RAH and I are not supposed to be in contact for a few months, he called a few days after I told him this and now he calling again. No messages - altho I did put a block on his number and in the past it went to voice mail immediately but this is different phone.
But it has given me the chance to look at my response to his name showing up on my phone - I feel guilty for not answering, I feel that it is wrong to ignore him this way and to put so much distance between us during the holidays. I begin to wonder if he has an apology or any remorse and I am missing it.
Then I wonder why am I reacting this way? Oh right I remember, I am reacting normally to an abnormal situation.
I married someone who isn't there for me and runs to hiding everytime I have something to say that he doesn't like. I am supposed to allow him to have his feelings and vent - but not react and yet I am not allowed the same b/c he leaves when I do. I cannot trust him or his word for even one day. I am supposed to be the respons one while he gets off scott free b/c he can't or doesn't care.
He didn't start out this way -he gave up a lot to be with me and he risked new territory for himself. He failed miserably at it all b/c of the A and his lack of continued treatment. Each argument/drunk/separation he has come back with all good intentions and yet somehow does even less than he did to start. How does that make any sense.

I guess I am going over it all again, b/c the week before C when the insanity began I said "not this year" -I asked for a few months completely apart as recommended by the therapist and articles on boundary setting. In the past, I would pretend that we were still married and keep on my ring, tell others that we weren't talking today, and not make any plans for the future of my own pretending that he would be back, and I always checked my phone in hopes that he would call. This time I decided that I was tired of pretending and took off the ring just as he always does when he is angry - but for me I just don't want others to think that everything is ok and we just need to work a few things out. I decided to take the time to see what I can make of my life without him on my mind - and I blocked the phone so I don't have to wonder or wait. I am facing facts - he lives somewhere else - he often chooses to be absent when he doesn't like what he hears or sees or if he just doesn't get his own way. He has a lot of work to do on himself before he can entertain ideas of working out anything with us. I have placed too much focus on him and not enough on myself, I had a life before I met him and gave most of it up. I have lost a lot but gained the ability to show greater compassion for others than I ever thought possible. I have learned the importance of forgiveness and how hard it is for us to do that.
I am not ready for the new year anyone ready?

Saint Francis

Hi Kassie,

I understand how you feel. But I'm ready for a new year because 2009 s*cked so badly. Holidays this year have been the worst and I'm feeling very lonely. And you know, it's way worse having AH physically in the house with me than if we were apart. There's nothing more lonely than being with someone who would rather be drinking and raging than spending quality time with you. So, see how far ahead you are!! I wish I had the strength you are having so be proud of yourself.

CocoaBean

Im new to this board but from everything I read I could sit in each one of your shoes no problem. My AH left me in November for the second time this year so that he could have his "freedom" translation freedom to drink when he wants and not have to answer for it. He is violent when he is drinking and I cannot live that way. It was a sad at times holiday but Im surrounded by my family and he sadly is all alone. His father died four weeks after he left me, part of the reason he left was so he could drink along side his dad again..........and his father passed away at 82. Really sad but he has been binging ever since.........A new year will be good. And a new start for me. We were together 9 1/2 years......

Kassie2

So kind of you stfrancis to think that I am ahead of you. What people don't get about me is that I will eventually do the right thing in a situation whether I like it or not. So while I have done what was needed I still feel cr**py.

Altho I am reminded of the days when he was drinking and the verbal abuse and I agree that I am better off only because I can do what I want without hearing it from him. It took a lot to get here and I gave up a lot along the way. I just don't want to give up on me and that is what I have been willing to do until now.