Lonely and sad.........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Lonely and sad.........
Hi Friends,
Last Monday I found out that hubby has been having an affair. I don't know how long it has been going on, but at least 1.5 - 2 years. He moved out and we are separating.
I have been doing fairly well, trying not to make too much of a drama out of this. But maybe that is just me trying to avoid my feelings. I haven't had a big cry since then.
It is so hard for be to believe or understand how he could carry on this deception for so long. No wonder I have been feeling a detachment over that period. I feel so betrayed. I feel sick to my stomach to think he had sex with her and with me. It makes me feel like throwing up.
How is it possible that the person I married, the person I still love could do this? I know he is sick from alcoholism, I know it destroys families, but this makes me feel so foolish. All the time he was seeing her, I was supporting him, trying to make the relationship work, agonizing about it. All that effort for nothing. All that trying and striving. I just cant get my head around this.
He says his heart is breaking, that he knows I treated him very well. He said that he knows he is messing up but he can't seem to stop himself.
I talked to my son and daughter this week. I did not tell them about the affair, I didn't think it was necessary. They know how we fight and our struggles. My son said "Dad will never change". My daughter said that I seem so indifferent about it, because I was calm and trying to make it seem like everything was going to be alright.
Well anyway, thats where I am this Sunday morning. Alone with my critters. I know change is hard, this is what I have been avoiding.
Both hubby and my daughter asked what about Christmas? Will Dad come to the house for Christmas? I said I guess we will work something out. But I don't know how to handle Christmas. I don't think I can be in the same house with him yet and be calm and civil. Maybe I will have him come over and I will go out to a movie and he can be with the kids. I just don't know.
Oh crap.............................................
Last Monday I found out that hubby has been having an affair. I don't know how long it has been going on, but at least 1.5 - 2 years. He moved out and we are separating.
I have been doing fairly well, trying not to make too much of a drama out of this. But maybe that is just me trying to avoid my feelings. I haven't had a big cry since then.
It is so hard for be to believe or understand how he could carry on this deception for so long. No wonder I have been feeling a detachment over that period. I feel so betrayed. I feel sick to my stomach to think he had sex with her and with me. It makes me feel like throwing up.
How is it possible that the person I married, the person I still love could do this? I know he is sick from alcoholism, I know it destroys families, but this makes me feel so foolish. All the time he was seeing her, I was supporting him, trying to make the relationship work, agonizing about it. All that effort for nothing. All that trying and striving. I just cant get my head around this.
He says his heart is breaking, that he knows I treated him very well. He said that he knows he is messing up but he can't seem to stop himself.
I talked to my son and daughter this week. I did not tell them about the affair, I didn't think it was necessary. They know how we fight and our struggles. My son said "Dad will never change". My daughter said that I seem so indifferent about it, because I was calm and trying to make it seem like everything was going to be alright.
Well anyway, thats where I am this Sunday morning. Alone with my critters. I know change is hard, this is what I have been avoiding.
Both hubby and my daughter asked what about Christmas? Will Dad come to the house for Christmas? I said I guess we will work something out. But I don't know how to handle Christmas. I don't think I can be in the same house with him yet and be calm and civil. Maybe I will have him come over and I will go out to a movie and he can be with the kids. I just don't know.
Oh crap.............................................
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Sorry this happened... I just coming on to post a thread myself about how tired I am of being alone --- I have been struggling with my RAH --- we arent' talking right now. In fact, we won't be talking for awhile b/c I set a boundary. Anyway, at the very least you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes it seems that "they" get to screw up a lot of the time while we are expected to make everything right for them, ourselves and everyone else. What I did pick up on is that you mentioned "change" - I was just reading this morning about change. It said that when we are confronted with things/relationships/situations that are not working our reaction is usually to go backwards and repeat what we did (I guess thinking that we did something wrong) instead of rethinking what we did and doing something different.
I imagine you are having mixed feelings right now and just know that others are with you in spirit. Remember, you were working on the marriage and apparently he wasn't. This had nothing to say about you - it has everything to say about your husband.
Your plan now might be to just take one day at a time and each one will get easier and then at the right time, you will be deciding a direction for your life.
Sometimes it seems that "they" get to screw up a lot of the time while we are expected to make everything right for them, ourselves and everyone else. What I did pick up on is that you mentioned "change" - I was just reading this morning about change. It said that when we are confronted with things/relationships/situations that are not working our reaction is usually to go backwards and repeat what we did (I guess thinking that we did something wrong) instead of rethinking what we did and doing something different.
I imagine you are having mixed feelings right now and just know that others are with you in spirit. Remember, you were working on the marriage and apparently he wasn't. This had nothing to say about you - it has everything to say about your husband.
Your plan now might be to just take one day at a time and each one will get easier and then at the right time, you will be deciding a direction for your life.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Oh ((((Rose))))))
I'm so sorry.....It is a betrayal and how you are feeling about all of this is normal.
Take your time and handle the plans for the holiday what they may be by doing what is best for you.
Cyber hugs to you Rose.....
I'm so sorry.....It is a betrayal and how you are feeling about all of this is normal.
Take your time and handle the plans for the holiday what they may be by doing what is best for you.
Cyber hugs to you Rose.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Well Rose, he's the one that made the choices. (You didn't, couldn't control it, or change it) As I see it, he's the one who has to bear the consequences. Disease or not, both the drinking and the infidelity were his choices!
Take the high road, you have nothing to feel guilty about (as far as including him in your holiday plans) - nor are you obligated to "go out to a movie/remove yourself from your home" so that he can spend time with his kids. If they want to spend time with him, fine - let him arrange the time and place. Don't let it displace you!
Holidays are a tough time for those of us who are going through this stuff. Try to remember things you are grateful for, and the reason for the season. It does get better!
Take the high road, you have nothing to feel guilty about (as far as including him in your holiday plans) - nor are you obligated to "go out to a movie/remove yourself from your home" so that he can spend time with his kids. If they want to spend time with him, fine - let him arrange the time and place. Don't let it displace you!
Holidays are a tough time for those of us who are going through this stuff. Try to remember things you are grateful for, and the reason for the season. It does get better!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Rose56 
Both hubby and my daughter asked what about Christmas? Will Dad come to the house for Christmas? I said I guess we will work something out. But I don't know how to handle Christmas. I don't think I can be in the same house with him yet and be calm and civil. Maybe I will have him come over and I will go out to a movie and he can be with the kids. I just don't know.
Oh crap.............................................
I think it will be hard, but you did not create this situation, he did. You're just making the best of it. Your right to make choices that are best for you and your kids and spending Christmas with him doesn't sound like it's best for your emotional health, which wouldn't be best for your kids.
Hugs for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Hi Rose, I have been right where you are. It's so hard. The Surviving Infidelity forum has been really helpful for me. There's even a thread on there for spouses of alcoholics. If I could go back in time, I would have ended unnecessary contact with him as soon as I found out about the affair. It would have made things so much easier on me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi Rose...I am so sorry. Really sorry for the bomb that was just dropped on you. I had the same bomb dropped on me. The devastation, rejection and betrayal I felt brought me to my knees and found me curled in a fetal position sobbing.
You know, it is OK for you to have feelings, and to deal with those feelings however you want. You have been dealt a very severe blow and it is going to have consequences for you, him, your family and friends.
It is OK for you to take care of you and do whatever you need to do at this time. This is one of those "put your oxygen masks on first" moments.
Do you have a confidant you can lean on at this time? I know my Alanon group gave me support, although only one person knew the whole sordid story. I found a therapist and she was so helpful and held my hand and gave me unbiased guidance. I found a church too, plus this board.
When I was in the darkest of dark places I couldn't see out. But, Rose, it will get better one step at a time.
I am praying for you and again I am so sorry for your suffering.
PS. My bomb was dropped at Thanksgiving. I had asked him to leave and he did. However, for the kids, I made the meal and had him over. It made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't eat. He then blamed me for ruining Thanksgiving. If I could do it over again, I would have done something fun and real different with the kids...without him. He could have done his own thing with them.
You know, it is OK for you to have feelings, and to deal with those feelings however you want. You have been dealt a very severe blow and it is going to have consequences for you, him, your family and friends.
It is OK for you to take care of you and do whatever you need to do at this time. This is one of those "put your oxygen masks on first" moments.
Do you have a confidant you can lean on at this time? I know my Alanon group gave me support, although only one person knew the whole sordid story. I found a therapist and she was so helpful and held my hand and gave me unbiased guidance. I found a church too, plus this board.
When I was in the darkest of dark places I couldn't see out. But, Rose, it will get better one step at a time.
I am praying for you and again I am so sorry for your suffering.
PS. My bomb was dropped at Thanksgiving. I had asked him to leave and he did. However, for the kids, I made the meal and had him over. It made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't eat. He then blamed me for ruining Thanksgiving. If I could do it over again, I would have done something fun and real different with the kids...without him. He could have done his own thing with them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
thanks Friends for all your support. I agree about Christmas, I will suggest that he and the kids get together for the afternoon or dinner. My kids are grown, 24 & 23, so they can handle a different kind of Christmas. This makes the most sense, since I have had a clear boundary about him not coming back to the house. I don't want to make any exceptions, mostly to protect me against hoping that we can get back to status quo.
I do have a long way to go on this road. I do have several close friends, my alanon group, and my church. Also my family. I haven't told everyone in my family yet. Just letting it sink in I guess, and putting it off to the last minute.
Thanks Wanting, I will check out that forum.
You know I think that the past few years of trying to make this all work, has prepared me somewhat for this upheaval. I am upset, shocked, but basically calm. And I do have the tools of Alanon - this forum, my group, the slogans, doing the next right thing. It will get better, I do have faith. thanks
I do have a long way to go on this road. I do have several close friends, my alanon group, and my church. Also my family. I haven't told everyone in my family yet. Just letting it sink in I guess, and putting it off to the last minute.
Thanks Wanting, I will check out that forum.
You know I think that the past few years of trying to make this all work, has prepared me somewhat for this upheaval. I am upset, shocked, but basically calm. And I do have the tools of Alanon - this forum, my group, the slogans, doing the next right thing. It will get better, I do have faith. thanks
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