Codependecy, did you tell?

Old 12-18-2009, 08:01 PM
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Codependecy, did you tell?

If you were/are one of those like me....still in a relationship with your alcoholic loved one, do they know you're a codependent? Do they see you reading books getting help for it?

As i've mentioned before, I got 2 books about codependency from the library, and hid them tonight when he came over.
I'm worried that he's going to see them, start reading them, and see that it's telling me about detatchment etc. and he's going to be angry and cause a scene.
I know that people can be codependent even without an alcoholic in thier lives, but he knows he's one (we don't really talk about it often) and I'm concerned about the outcome. Some people have said to work on codependency for a year before making a choice regarding the relationship, am I to hide this for a year? (If we make it that long)

After the kids were in bed, we started discussing something, and we got on the topic of drinking, and he mentioned he only had 5 beers tonight, and I guess I made a face. He said "You'd be happy if I never drank anything ever again huh?"
I don't think I said anything, he just said "Yeah, I know what you're doing" and then left me standing there and went to bed.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:19 PM
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Hi Elsie,

You know, we get roped into doing all kind of dance steps to please or accommodate alcoholics. With any luck, we find an alcoholic in recovery, and we can openly discuss aspects of the disease that's affecting us personally.

We usually aren't so lucky.

In a perfect world,
you shouldn't have to hide anything
you're doing to improve yourself.

Hopefully, you aren't reading these books
to try and change *him*.
He is what he is.
And it sounds to me as if he's going to stay the way he is.

But after a lifetime of relationships
that I had to hide anything my 'soon to be ex'
would find intimidating,
or something he'd make fun of

I resolved never to do that again.

You should be free to read whatever you want in your own home.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:32 PM
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It sounds like there is a lot of fear on your part in this relationship. I remember when I was terrified of my brothers finding out I was going to AlAnon....and discovering in my meetings and reading that it was further evidence of my codependence that I even had that fear! That anxious feeling you're describing is something I learned to leave behind.

It just took time and practice and that fear went away. And it's always OK to keep your cards close to your chest - if you aren't in a frame of mind to have these big discussions or you're afraid things will go off the rails then protect yourself- keep your recovery close and safe if you need to, there is no rush and ultimately as you grow you really won't care what he thinks of what you are reading or doing because you'll become strong in your conviction that this is just about you - it really is not about him.

Are you able to get to any AlAnon meetings?

I read whatever the hell I want in front of my BF and he is either interested or not but I don't live in fear of his reaction, if I felt I needed to hide my interests or pathways to self-growth from him that would be a red flag to me that I was in an unsafe and unhealthy relationship...

stay strong!
peace-
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:34 PM
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My XA actually told me once that I was codependent....or that I was "acting" codependent.
It was regarding my concern for his drinking after we had gotten in an arguement.

In hindsight, that statement that he made INFURTIATES me. He said it to point out my issues, though he was right. But of course it made me feel like I was the one with the BIG flaw.....not him.

Wow, everytime I think about him now, all I can say is WHAT A JERK.
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Old 12-18-2009, 09:51 PM
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hi elsie, i just wanted to say, you are being bullied and i know what that feels like, i know the feeling, walking on egg shells, and it is not ok. we have to stand up to the bully, me included!
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Old 12-19-2009, 12:43 AM
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Ha....sorry, but I'm just laughing at the idea of my AH being even the slightest bit interested in anything I'm reading........ or doing or being or saying etc etc...

I hold the book "codependent no more' right in front of his face and he says nothing.
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Old 12-19-2009, 01:46 AM
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My AH reads and checks after everything I bring into the house. Sometimes it makes me crazy. I guarantee that he has read my copy of Codependent No More and at some point he's going to want to "discuss" it with me.
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Old 12-19-2009, 05:03 AM
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To SheCanRun: May I suggest leaving a copy of "Under the Influence" in the bathroom most frequented by the Alcoholic. I did.

I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent. My AXH did read my copy of "Under the Influence", but he never read any of my self-help books like "Codependent No More".

There is a link in our sticky posts at the top of this forum and it contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". This is a valuable tool for alcoholics and their partners in learning how the body and mind become addicted to alcohol.

Elsie, I apologize for hi-jacking your thread.

I'm not sure I've heard the recommendation to not make changes in your relationship for one year if you are codependent. If you are in an abusive, violent, or hateful relationship; one more day may be too long. Codies (affectionate term for codependents) are accustomed to doing everything to please others. Recovery for codies involves learning to please ourselves.

I like to use this analogy. When you take an airplane trip somewhere, you are given a pre-flight safety speech from the flight attendants. Part of the speech concerns the oxygen masks. In the event of an actual emergency, you are to put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others.

In recovery, I have learned that I can't help others if I haven't taken care of myself first.

Keep your focus on your recovery and let the A in your life handle their own life (consequences, reactions, feelings, etc).
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Old 12-19-2009, 01:34 PM
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I hid the books, I've got lots of them, I was afraid of his anger and disapproval. Partly because of his toxic anger and partly because of my conflict aversion and need to please. Later when he knew the books existed I hid that I had picked them up and read them lately. He often took me reading them as me attacking him/his drinking.

One thing I will say, after I started reading the books, he started talking about how I was trying to "control" him. He had never applied that phrase to me before, and actually applied it to situations where I was trying to control me and my environment not him. It was a great new angle to hang on someone with co-dependent behaviours, who is starting out trying to change, and can get easily confused still. I don't know about your relationship dynamics, but it's something to think about, and about whether he is someone with whom it is safe to share a routemap of your fears and insecurities and behavioural "weaknesses".
You'll know best.
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