myawakening

Yesterday my stbxah texted me with a "why don't you talk to me anymore?" I've been trying to maintain NC with him. So I didn't answer him. I got a few more texted messages and then he emailed me. Of course, the email was filled with his twisted way of looking at our marriage...once again blaming me for all the things wrong in his life. He made me furious. I went from zero to insane in 3 seconds. He pushed my buttons and I broke my own rule about not responding. We've been separated almost 3 months and I have enjoyed my peace and quiet. It was just something about that email that made me go crazy. I loaded my verbal gun and let it ripe via email. I was so harsh and mean to him and I am now ashamed of how I behaved. I don't think he deserved how bad I treated him via that email. I don't know...he just flipped me out.

He also stated in the email that he now knows he has a problem and has tried to cope with it by himself. He also has kicked around the idea of maybe getting help...and then he tells me that when I won't speak to him it makes him want to drink more. It always comes back around to me.

I was thinking about contacting him via email and at least say I was sorry for the verbal bombing, but that he also needed to just get on with his life without me.

I'm not a mean person by nature. There is something about him and this situation that sends me over the edge and this anger comes out of me like a flash of lightening. Is this the anger we hear about when we stuff our emotions down again and again to prevent having yet another argument about the same damn thing? I've been swallowing my emotions for years so that I could have somewhat of a peaceful life and look where it got me anyway. He still drinks and I live alone.

I am angry at him for destroying our marriage, for damaging the relationship with his children, and for choosing the bottle over me. I don't know what to do with this anger. I feel like the hamster on the freaking wheel again...the same old garbage.

I do not want to talk with him over the phone, but I feel like I should appologize for the horrible email I sent him.

Thoughts anyone?

FreeingMyself

I don't have a lot of wisdom here, but I couldn't have written that post exactly. When you said something about him and this situation that sends me over the edge....that is exactly what I go through! I am so angry at him for the things he has done to me, for destroying our home and family.....and never really feeling badly about what he has done, always turning the blame on me. I am working on the idea of detachment and at times I can totally have no response, but then sometimes....he pushes those buttons. We have a 1 year old daughter and I am pregnant so no contact is not an option.....if we can't be married, my hope is we can "get along"...as I've said before when we don't live together we are best friends!

heavenlyone

Yep, I could've written this post as well.

No-one else can push me over the edge like he can.

My anger with him is just unstoppable.

If you feel you should apologise to make YOU feel better then do it. If it's for him, don't do it.

He's not sorry for what he's done to you. Has he ever said sorry to you for anything? I know mine hasn't...not in nearly 5 years.

Bernadette

hey myawakening - maybe just sit with it a few days. When I get all amped up and feel the need to do something it is usually best if I do nothing....at least until my heart rate returns to normal and the stress hormones have been flushed out of my body!!!!!!

take it easy on yourself -- sometimes a person who pushes us too far needs to KNOW they have pushed us too far... do we always let them know with our most rational "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean," hat on? Nope. But we are breaking years long habits and it takes practice...

peace-
b

ItsmeAlice

Your soon to be X sends you a text after three months of no contact from you wanting to know why you are not talking to him. He knows full well why you're not so clearly he's just poking you in the behind with a hot stick to see if he can get a rise out of you.

When he doesn't get one, he lobbed a Big Bertha into your little fortress of solitude. He pulled out all the stops. He blamed you for his drinking then. He blamed you for his drinking now. He dallies around with having a problem and getting help (here little fishy fishy fishy). All the BS that he knows is going to get you steaming.

So you, in a fit of rage he intentionally stirs up, send him a volley of shells right back at him.

I understand that we want to maintain some semblance of sanity in dealing with our addicts, but please do me a favor and don't apologize to him for doing what he intended for you to do.

He made a choice to send that email to you to prompt a response. He now has the excuse he was looking for to be mad at you and drink more. He went looking to get you riled, and he did. He won that battle. You apologizing to him is just congratulations to him for the effort.

You are human. We all get angry. Take it easy on yourself a little here. You were provoked for one. For two, you didn't do anyone bodily harm you sent an email for cripes sake. If he sends you a note back all upset that you hurt his feelings you can take pity and apologize for popping off, but I wouldn't.

Poke the tiger and you will get the claws. It's not as though he just met you and touched an old nerve lying dormant. He had a hand in the nerve being there in the first place. He's no victim.

Said with love.

Alice

ItsmeAlice

Woo! I got riled there and I don't know the guy from a hole in the ground....

Alice...bitter party of one...Alice?

laurie6781

Actually I agree with Alice and could not have said it better.

And as Bernadette said:

We are all human and sometimes we do 'blow' when pushed to it.

Just sit on apologizing for a day or two you may change your mind.

Love and hugs,

KeepPedaling

That sounds so familiar....

myawakening

Thanks everyone! It helped me to see that other people experience this flash of insanity when they push your buttons. I thought it was just me. I haven't emailed an appology. I waited until my "heart rate returns to normal and the stress hormones have been flushed out of my body!!!!!!" Thanks Berndette! I don't feel the need anymore.

He doesn't appologize to me for all the horrible things he has done and said. I know it's not right, but I am taking a page out of his book for once!

I have started Al Anon and I can't wait until my next meeting.

My thanks to you guys for helping me! The SR forum has been a lifesaver for me.

naive

i think we can all empathise.

when i run into xABF nowadays, i bite my tongue. literally.

this reminds me not to speak. not to say one single word.

it works!

JenT1968

yeah, for now, if you want to apologise, do it here, send it out to the universe or your HP, and maybe apologise to yourself for reading the email?. An apology to him at this point would be just more contact, and then there'd be his response, and your reaction to that response etc, etc, etc. I've done that dance! Do you want all of that?

I know there are people here who have gone no contact and have blocked numbers from their phones and diverted emails to junk files or delete.

Carol Star

I did send an angry one to my XAH a few days ago. He didn't respond for a few days. I did not apoligize.It was all the truth. I had had too much coffee one a.m. and he was talking all bs and king/baby stuff. I don't like being mean. I am hurt,sad,angry and sometimes I just can't hold it in. I do hold it in 90% time. We are only human. He starts complaining about stuff and it is his choices and using that got him there.....duis,jail,lost good job,kids don't want to see him,no friends ,no money or liscence.....DUH.....I am usually kind. Like the Buuddha said.....resentment is like holding a hot coal to throw at someone.....it is burning ME. Progress not perfection.

husbandofacoa

If you apologize, do it for you. Not for him. Don't ask for his forgiveness or even read his reply. When we make ammends, it is for us, not for them. Don't debate anything with him or try to explain your past actions. You do not owe him this. Doing so gives him control over your serenity.

I let my wife push my buttons last week and I said some things that I wish I had not. I felt very badly for loosing control. I sent her a text with an apology. She is a manulative a**hole and wanted me to trip off. I really don't owe anything; however, I truly regreted my behavior so I apologized. I don't want to violate my own code of conduct. I want to be able to hold my head high. I needed to apologize and it made me feel a lot better.

The key is to break away from caring what he thinks. Again, if you feel you have done wrong and need to apologize, do it for you not for him.

barb dwyer

There ya go.

myawakening

He does have control over my serenity. He does because I am so angry at him and I don't know how to get past it! Angry because I didn't want this to happen...angry because I did everything I knew how to to do to stop this from happening...angry because he has thrown away 31 years of marriage!!! What do you do to get rid of that anger? I've been separated 3 months and I am happy being away from the daily insanity that used to be my life. But I am still angry at him and I don't know how to move past that. The holidays are making it harder. I look at couples shopping at the stores and it makes me so sad...then that sadness turns to anger. I just want to leap ahead past New Years so these holidays can be done!!!

I hate all this anger inside of me. I need to understand how the Al Anon meetings will help me deal with this. So far...I don't get it.

barb dwyer

Stopping someone from feeding off you is NOT being mean.

We're raised, for whatever reason,
to believe that anything anyone wants
is our responsibility to provide

otherwise, WE are 'mean', 'selfish' ...
when the OPPOSITE is the truth.

You have every right
to not participate in a 'relationship'
that is not fulfilling, respectful, not MUTUAL;
and that does nothing but make you feel bad.

that is not being 'mean'.

Just ... fyi.

bookwyrm

No, he doesn't. You do. You have the power to control you. You can feel your emotions but it doesn't mean you have to act on them.

Stop fighting your anger. Of course you are angry! It is justifiable! Give yourself permission to be angry about all that has happened. It doesn't make you a bad person!

I talked through this with my counsellor which really helped me. I am allowed to be angry at my mistreatment. I am allowed to be angry at what happened to me. I can use my anger constructively. There was a point when the anger shifted in me. I became really angry at me. How could I have let this happen to me?! I had to learn to forgive myself. By looking at my part in the disintegration of my marriage I could assume responsibility for the things I was responsible for. I could forgive myself for not being perfect. With this forgiveness came acceptance. I could then look at STBXAH's part by setting aside my anger. I still have some resentment towards him but I'm working on letting that go. I'm no contact with him and I need to stop letting him live in my head rent free. Anger is such a strong emotion - it took too much energy for me to keep being so furious for so long. I'm separated a year and 3 months now - give yourself some time.

nodaybut2day

LOL, sorry, but this made me laugh Alice. You're awesome.

Myawakening, I agree with Bookwyrm: let yourself be angry! You have a right to feel all that anger. Maybe write down for yourself a list of WHY you are so mad. Go into details. Bring it all out in the open. No one's going to read the damn thing so go all out.