Ready to leave - now what
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 8
Ready to leave - now what
Ready to leave - now what
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I realize I wrote back in June that I was thinking of leaving my husband of 40 yrs. due to his drinking and then watched him quit for a short while and restart. He recently was in the hospital due to heart problems but they had to sober him up first and that only lasted a week or so. He quit during the week of Thanksgiving cuz I threatened him about leaving and I always host that day so he was good until about a week ago and has been hiding it again and lying when I question him. I told him that after numerous warnings, it was time for me to move out for awhile. I can't get my head around being on my own--this is my house and I love it. But I know he won't leave and I just can't keep watching him do this. He's been falling more and since he's on coumadin due to atrial fib, he bruises and bleeds likes there's no tomorrow. Then I feel I should be here to help him. I'm tired of it. How do those of you that have left manage on your own? I really just want to try a separation and see if he'll get REAL help this time. He is so dependent on me to do everything (banking, bills, setting out his meds, etc.) that I'm worrying what will happen to him with me gone. Should I keep coming back every couple weeks to check on him and the house or make a clean break? I want to leve all my stuff here to see if we can make it work again but I know I'll need things in my new place (whatever that may be). Any help, advice, comments, etc. are greatly appreciated.
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I realize I wrote back in June that I was thinking of leaving my husband of 40 yrs. due to his drinking and then watched him quit for a short while and restart. He recently was in the hospital due to heart problems but they had to sober him up first and that only lasted a week or so. He quit during the week of Thanksgiving cuz I threatened him about leaving and I always host that day so he was good until about a week ago and has been hiding it again and lying when I question him. I told him that after numerous warnings, it was time for me to move out for awhile. I can't get my head around being on my own--this is my house and I love it. But I know he won't leave and I just can't keep watching him do this. He's been falling more and since he's on coumadin due to atrial fib, he bruises and bleeds likes there's no tomorrow. Then I feel I should be here to help him. I'm tired of it. How do those of you that have left manage on your own? I really just want to try a separation and see if he'll get REAL help this time. He is so dependent on me to do everything (banking, bills, setting out his meds, etc.) that I'm worrying what will happen to him with me gone. Should I keep coming back every couple weeks to check on him and the house or make a clean break? I want to leve all my stuff here to see if we can make it work again but I know I'll need things in my new place (whatever that may be). Any help, advice, comments, etc. are greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
But I know he won't leave
You never really know if this is true until you pursue it.
I, too, was responsible for managing my XABF's life. He was able to work and his employer provided our housing, but beyond that, I managed it all. I had great concern over being financially independent enough to be out on my own and in truth, I am still struggling...a lot. I did not have to make the decision to leave. In fact, I dallied around hoping to make more money and put more away in savings. His employer let him go and with the job went our housing.
I made the break and over time separated our insurance and phones etc. He was livid of course, but he did admit that he had no choice then but to pull himself together. I stopped taking his calls and blocked his number so I may never know if he did just that or not. I figured if he ever stood a chance of making it into recovery, he needed me to let go of him.
If you're looking for advice, I suppose mine is to print out some info online about recovery houses available, cheap rentals, or by the month hotels and give them to him. Tell him you love him enough to let him live his life his way. Tell him he can choose one of the options you've printed out or find his own. As a sign that there are no hard feelings from you, only compassion and acceptance, you will help him sort out his things and pack them.
I did these things when I made the choice not to continue living with my alcoholic. He went through many stages of denial, bitterness, anger, and regret, but in the end he finally accepted and we parted safely.
Keep posting, you're working through some tough stuff. We're here listening.
Alice
You never really know if this is true until you pursue it.
I, too, was responsible for managing my XABF's life. He was able to work and his employer provided our housing, but beyond that, I managed it all. I had great concern over being financially independent enough to be out on my own and in truth, I am still struggling...a lot. I did not have to make the decision to leave. In fact, I dallied around hoping to make more money and put more away in savings. His employer let him go and with the job went our housing.
I made the break and over time separated our insurance and phones etc. He was livid of course, but he did admit that he had no choice then but to pull himself together. I stopped taking his calls and blocked his number so I may never know if he did just that or not. I figured if he ever stood a chance of making it into recovery, he needed me to let go of him.
If you're looking for advice, I suppose mine is to print out some info online about recovery houses available, cheap rentals, or by the month hotels and give them to him. Tell him you love him enough to let him live his life his way. Tell him he can choose one of the options you've printed out or find his own. As a sign that there are no hard feelings from you, only compassion and acceptance, you will help him sort out his things and pack them.
I did these things when I made the choice not to continue living with my alcoholic. He went through many stages of denial, bitterness, anger, and regret, but in the end he finally accepted and we parted safely.
Keep posting, you're working through some tough stuff. We're here listening.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
I haven't left and H has been sober a year, but I, like you, managed the household, bills, finances etc. I finally stopped doing that last year. Thankfully nothing went into arrears or collection - he picked it up before it got to that point. But I've heard stories where others hit a lower bottom than that will collections, losing the house etc but that was what they were prepared to do to let the alcoholic live their own life, and all recovered, even if slowly (financially speaking). He is a grown man. My humble opinion is that you shouldn't be 'checking' in on him like a sick child. You need to do what is best for you and focus heavily on that. If he flies or falls is up to him and you need to accept whatever that may be. The codependent inside me screams at this opinion, but it's what we have to do. I used this example with my mom when explaining my detachment - if his life was a soccer game I should be on the sideline cheering him on. Instead, I was running in and playing the game for him cuz he wasn't playing as I thought he should. Support on the sidelines can still be there, you love him. But you must understand and see the invisible line of stepping into codependence.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I`m not expert at this; I've only married once and have left my alcoholic husband just 2 months ago.
I was however doing all the household stuff: cleaning, groceries, paying bills (or trying to because my husband spent all the money on stuff he "needed" like junk food, alcohol, cigarettes, and videogames/movie rentals), keeping track of my stepson's school work, doctor's appointments, daycare etc.
Before I left, I had started to look at apartments, cheap new or used furniture I would get to furnish a small 1 bedroom I'd share with my baby girl...it was actually exciting to start thinking of how my life would begin again. Perhaps you can begin jotting down ideas such as these? I know it feels overwhelming at first, but you were alive and well before this man came into your life...you can be so once again. Your HP, or whatever your conception of it, is giving you an opportunity to renew and rediscover yourself. As frightening as this period is, it can also be positive!
As for checking up on him after you leave...I wouldn't if I were you. If you don't have to be in contact for anything (such as having younger kids), then when you leave, it would be best to just cut all ties. If he falls on his face, then so be it. You've been there for such a long time, picking up after him...it's time he learned to do it himself. He'll be in for quite a shock though, and he'll probably come crawling back (or begging, or raging or threatening) for you to micromanage him again. Expect this.
In my case, I *have* to be in contact with my X because we have a young daughter, so we have to communicate and do so in a civil way. It's been difficult, but I think I've figured out how to have contact with him without stepping over my boundaries. I keep all discussion to a minimum and solely focused on my daughter, or my stepson. All other topics of conversation are shut down and ignored, politely. He continues to try to lure me back in ("I still love you" "Can't we work this out" "I remember when you used to take care of me...I miss that!")...but I just don't answer, or I tell him we're over. If I were to give him the proverbial inch, he would literally jump back into my life ferociously and I'd never be rid of him. The painful honest truth is best when dealing with him.
Ok, I hope I haven't mouthed off too much.
Good luck and keep posting on SR!
I was however doing all the household stuff: cleaning, groceries, paying bills (or trying to because my husband spent all the money on stuff he "needed" like junk food, alcohol, cigarettes, and videogames/movie rentals), keeping track of my stepson's school work, doctor's appointments, daycare etc.
Before I left, I had started to look at apartments, cheap new or used furniture I would get to furnish a small 1 bedroom I'd share with my baby girl...it was actually exciting to start thinking of how my life would begin again. Perhaps you can begin jotting down ideas such as these? I know it feels overwhelming at first, but you were alive and well before this man came into your life...you can be so once again. Your HP, or whatever your conception of it, is giving you an opportunity to renew and rediscover yourself. As frightening as this period is, it can also be positive!
As for checking up on him after you leave...I wouldn't if I were you. If you don't have to be in contact for anything (such as having younger kids), then when you leave, it would be best to just cut all ties. If he falls on his face, then so be it. You've been there for such a long time, picking up after him...it's time he learned to do it himself. He'll be in for quite a shock though, and he'll probably come crawling back (or begging, or raging or threatening) for you to micromanage him again. Expect this.
In my case, I *have* to be in contact with my X because we have a young daughter, so we have to communicate and do so in a civil way. It's been difficult, but I think I've figured out how to have contact with him without stepping over my boundaries. I keep all discussion to a minimum and solely focused on my daughter, or my stepson. All other topics of conversation are shut down and ignored, politely. He continues to try to lure me back in ("I still love you" "Can't we work this out" "I remember when you used to take care of me...I miss that!")...but I just don't answer, or I tell him we're over. If I were to give him the proverbial inch, he would literally jump back into my life ferociously and I'd never be rid of him. The painful honest truth is best when dealing with him.
Ok, I hope I haven't mouthed off too much.
Good luck and keep posting on SR!
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Hardereveryday,
I wanted to tell you what I get from your story, how it helps me. Really, I believe your courage to be writing about this in a post after 40 years of marriage will help many who come read here. I wish you the best, whatever you decide is both God honorable and brings you peace.
When i read your story , having been married to a functioning alcoholic for 22 years( and now very high functioning that he is not drinking vodka anymore) I think to myself ," If I stayed this is still where i will be in 18 years." I will be able to say i was married 40 years but would i choose to be content with my AH or always wish I had left. I probably would be thinking how I should have left 18 years ago when I read Hardereveryday's revealing story of the future of a 40 year marriage to a high functioning alcoholic that was added to the evidence i live with everyday, that he will not quit drinking and i don't want to live and let live as is, even with this high functioning at present. I would think I should have left while he still did the paper work and cleaned house and took his own pills for high blood pressure.
hardereveryday, it is hard at 22 years of marriage with me at the age of 41. I can only imagine at 40 years of marriage how hard this is for you. I guess I would ask you what do you want most at this time in your life?What responsibilities do you have to you? What do you really believe are your responsibilities to him? What do you really believe you would be guilty of and what is a false sense of guilt ? How do you want to live in relation to him? What makes you content to do?
Hey, i feel bad that my husband is going to have to leave his home, really i do. But that is his choice. I told him I couldn't stay married to him if he kept drinking and he kept drinking. He knew his choice also included him having to leave his house at some point. His choice was not to do what needed to be done towards no longer drinking. Simple cause and effect working itself out. He had a choice even before I hit my limit. When i hit my limit his choice was obviously to lose his wife and home. For me it was no longer a choice.
I don't let the feelings I feel in my present situation rule over what is the right movement for the overall situation of my life. I envision I will still feel some sadness or maybe even just remember I felt sadness for him over having to leave his home, but i also envision I will be more joyful after doing the right thing. I can envision this as I put my guilt in the place it belongs. In the false column!!!! And by remembering he was the one who choose drinking over 'us.' So I am now going to live out the effect, 'me' without 'him' as my partner in marriage.
I wanted to tell you what I get from your story, how it helps me. Really, I believe your courage to be writing about this in a post after 40 years of marriage will help many who come read here. I wish you the best, whatever you decide is both God honorable and brings you peace.
When i read your story , having been married to a functioning alcoholic for 22 years( and now very high functioning that he is not drinking vodka anymore) I think to myself ," If I stayed this is still where i will be in 18 years." I will be able to say i was married 40 years but would i choose to be content with my AH or always wish I had left. I probably would be thinking how I should have left 18 years ago when I read Hardereveryday's revealing story of the future of a 40 year marriage to a high functioning alcoholic that was added to the evidence i live with everyday, that he will not quit drinking and i don't want to live and let live as is, even with this high functioning at present. I would think I should have left while he still did the paper work and cleaned house and took his own pills for high blood pressure.
hardereveryday, it is hard at 22 years of marriage with me at the age of 41. I can only imagine at 40 years of marriage how hard this is for you. I guess I would ask you what do you want most at this time in your life?What responsibilities do you have to you? What do you really believe are your responsibilities to him? What do you really believe you would be guilty of and what is a false sense of guilt ? How do you want to live in relation to him? What makes you content to do?
Hey, i feel bad that my husband is going to have to leave his home, really i do. But that is his choice. I told him I couldn't stay married to him if he kept drinking and he kept drinking. He knew his choice also included him having to leave his house at some point. His choice was not to do what needed to be done towards no longer drinking. Simple cause and effect working itself out. He had a choice even before I hit my limit. When i hit my limit his choice was obviously to lose his wife and home. For me it was no longer a choice.
I don't let the feelings I feel in my present situation rule over what is the right movement for the overall situation of my life. I envision I will still feel some sadness or maybe even just remember I felt sadness for him over having to leave his home, but i also envision I will be more joyful after doing the right thing. I can envision this as I put my guilt in the place it belongs. In the false column!!!! And by remembering he was the one who choose drinking over 'us.' So I am now going to live out the effect, 'me' without 'him' as my partner in marriage.
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