Ugh! Another
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Ugh! Another
Another hill on this roller coaster ride with him. A small one, but a good example of how he can flip like a switch. We were texting back and forth, he was saying various things like how beautiful I was, that he sometimes forgets just how much he loves me, but for some reason he woke up today and he felt like a new man...he went on to say a few more nice things.
I said that that was nice to hear, but where was it coming from, and his reply was "Xmas Spirit?" I said no..what we were talking about before.
About 5 mins later he called me, to say goodnight I guess. He was asking about our son and the other kids, then asked about the last thing I texted to him...I said I couldn't remember what I had texted him...I simply just couldn't recall! I have 4 kids and it's bedtime and I was getting kids to bed, he caught me off guard and I just couldn't remember. He sighed.
I could tell that was a bad sign.
He asked why I couldn't remember. I said I dunno, I feel it at the time, text it, then after a few minutes I forget! (especially when I'm super busy!)
He said he had to go.
I asked why, and he said there's someone at the door. (lie, he was in bed, there was no one at his door)
Then something happened to the phone, either he accidently hit something on his phone, or I did it to mine and he couldn't hear me anymore.
He ended up hanging up, then I did as well. I called back, but he didn't answer.
I texted him asking what happened, and no reply.
He goes from telling me he really loves me and he's a new man, to being so annoyed that he wants to get off of the phone with me because I couldn't remember what I texted to him during one of my busiest times of the day.
ARGH!!!!
I said that that was nice to hear, but where was it coming from, and his reply was "Xmas Spirit?" I said no..what we were talking about before.
About 5 mins later he called me, to say goodnight I guess. He was asking about our son and the other kids, then asked about the last thing I texted to him...I said I couldn't remember what I had texted him...I simply just couldn't recall! I have 4 kids and it's bedtime and I was getting kids to bed, he caught me off guard and I just couldn't remember. He sighed.
I could tell that was a bad sign.
He asked why I couldn't remember. I said I dunno, I feel it at the time, text it, then after a few minutes I forget! (especially when I'm super busy!)
He said he had to go.
I asked why, and he said there's someone at the door. (lie, he was in bed, there was no one at his door)
Then something happened to the phone, either he accidently hit something on his phone, or I did it to mine and he couldn't hear me anymore.
He ended up hanging up, then I did as well. I called back, but he didn't answer.
I texted him asking what happened, and no reply.
He goes from telling me he really loves me and he's a new man, to being so annoyed that he wants to get off of the phone with me because I couldn't remember what I texted to him during one of my busiest times of the day.
ARGH!!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I'm not familiar with your story, but, have you tried going no contact? Having a running text conversation only keeps you on his string. Nothing he says means anything. It's what he does that counts.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Nope
Originally Posted by suki44883 
I'm not familiar with your story, but, have you tried going no contact? Having a running text conversation only keeps you on his string. Nothing he says means anything. It's what he does that counts.
I'm on the fence about leaving, I've posted a bunch of things about what I used to go through, what I'm now going through with him.
I really do love it here at SR. In the past, when he did things like this, I'd chalk it up to it just being his personality and him acting like a suck.
But, now I see it differently, and I'm thankful for that!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Today?
Originally Posted by Pelican
What did you do today for you?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
You know...
Originally Posted by suki44883
All I can say is that you obviously haven't yet had enough. When you have, you will know.
But, and I think this is the codependency part, I'm too afraid to calmly sit him down and tell him I want out. After everything he has put me through, I'm still worried about hurting his feelings! I feel like I'm waiting until the next big fight, so I can either pack up and leave, or tell him to get out and that would make it easier.
How twisted is THAT!?
I'm worried about hurting his feelings! UGH! The same man who threatened to leave me if I bought my kids a hamster. The same man who used once told my son "don't ever marry anyone like your mother". The same man who once told me that me changing my sons diaper was incestual. The same man who currently accuses me of cheating on him all the time, and always thinks I'm chatting to other men.
What is WRONG with me?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Elsie
Today I drove to the Library (I don't like that drive, one way streets, just a stressful drive, but I did it anyway!) and borrowed 2 books on codependency and I've started reading 1 of them.
(By the way, my mom's name was Elsie!)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Elsie
Today I drove to the Library (I don't like that drive, one way streets, just a stressful drive, but I did it anyway!) and borrowed 2 books on codependency and I've started reading 1 of them.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Another
Originally Posted by suki44883
All I can say is that you obviously haven't yet had enough. When you have, you will know.
I can survive without the silly phone, but that vehicle is a lifeline to so many things.
I'm worried that if I leave of my own free will, he'll freak out and threaten to take it back.
(actually that jogged my memory to last weekend, when he basically reitterated that the van is his)
After he had time to calm down, I do not think he'd actually go through with taking it away, but the mere thought of how stressed out I'd be is enough that I want to make the breakup seem like it's his doing. Like he pushed me too far and I had no choice.
I can't believe I'm even posting that, I feel awful and ashamed, but it's the truth.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Thank you!
Originally Posted by tjp613
He always makes a point of telling me that he feels I put my kids before him, and that he comes in last.
A lot of times I notice that even if he's not here, and I'm arguing with him via email, I'm engrossed in that and my kids and housework are not getting the attention they need.
He's a baby! He thinks the world revolves around him and that I should be doing the same.
A few weekends ago he came over to my house. I have a snack cupboard that I fill up everyweek for snacks for my kids' lunches and for stuff for them to have when they get home.
As with anyone lately, money is a little tight, and so I buy what I need for the week, and if too much gets eaten too early I cannot afford to replce it until the weeks end. He knows this! Yet that day again, he headed for the cupboard, probably to grab some cookies. Which, no big deal, but I said "Please don't eat all the snacks, I need them for lunches"
Maybe it came off harsh, I dunno, but he freaked out. Asked me what the big deal was, I explained that I'd have trouble replacing the snacks and he was not very happy with me. He said I feed them too much crap anyway. I don't feed them crap..yeah I had some cookies and fruit roll ups etc in there, and it does look like a lot of stuff, but packing lunches for 3 kids takes a lot of snacks! Plus I need little snacks for hometime, weekends, my little guy who's home with me.
He actually packed up his things and left my house.
I couldn't believe it.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Losing the financial dependence is a big fear, of course.
When my XABF and I met, I was the breadwinner and had my act together. Over the course of our relationship 10+ years the the tide turned the other way. This had many factors as the cause a portion of which was his alcoholism tearing my financial stability apart. I ended up back in school and living in a house provided by his employer. Very risky situation for an alcoholic and codependent. I thank my higher power every day that he hung onto the job until I finished school and started working in my new field. I still didn't feel I was ready to support myself again when the worst played out and he was layed off. I lost my place to live and didn't have enough income to rent a place of my own.
A saga of events later, and I am still struggling, but as it's been said here, you know when you've had enough, and I had definitely had enough.
When the fear of financial struggle and possible argument from your addict becomes more welcome than riding the roller coaster of emotional drama with them, your path will become more clear. Resolving your financial dependence on him will give you the freedom of choice. You choose to stay for your own reasons and not feel trapped in the relationship. He will also lose that mode of manipulation to draw upon if things don't go his way.
Until then, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, make the healthiest choices you can for you, keep up with your recovery efforts every day, and let your higher power handle the big picture. The answers will come and you will know what your path holds. It may be with him. It may be without him. But it will be your path to own either way.
Best wishes!
Alice
When my XABF and I met, I was the breadwinner and had my act together. Over the course of our relationship 10+ years the the tide turned the other way. This had many factors as the cause a portion of which was his alcoholism tearing my financial stability apart. I ended up back in school and living in a house provided by his employer. Very risky situation for an alcoholic and codependent. I thank my higher power every day that he hung onto the job until I finished school and started working in my new field. I still didn't feel I was ready to support myself again when the worst played out and he was layed off. I lost my place to live and didn't have enough income to rent a place of my own.
A saga of events later, and I am still struggling, but as it's been said here, you know when you've had enough, and I had definitely had enough.
When the fear of financial struggle and possible argument from your addict becomes more welcome than riding the roller coaster of emotional drama with them, your path will become more clear. Resolving your financial dependence on him will give you the freedom of choice. You choose to stay for your own reasons and not feel trapped in the relationship. He will also lose that mode of manipulation to draw upon if things don't go his way.
Until then, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, make the healthiest choices you can for you, keep up with your recovery efforts every day, and let your higher power handle the big picture. The answers will come and you will know what your path holds. It may be with him. It may be without him. But it will be your path to own either way.
Best wishes!
Alice
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Elsie, I believe the behaviour this man displays are those of an abuser. After leaving an abusive man myself, I can see patterns and similarity of what you post in my own past.
I would highly recommend you contact an abused woman's shelter or advice line. They can give you advice, listen to your story, help you on your path. They are there for anyone who is experiencing abuse, not just to the partners of batterers.
You are not being harsh by asking him to not eat all the snacks, that is a perfectly reasonable request. Plus, if you choose to purchase snacks for the kids that is YOUR choice and it is wrong of him to ridicule you for the choices you make by telling you you feed them too much rubbish or whatever. By doing that he is insinuating you are a bad mother and hopes to make you question your role as mum.
This then successfully deflects your thoughts from the crux of the matter, which is that HE is the one who is acting highly unreasonable. He knows he does this. Abusers act consciously and CHOOSE to abuse.
Abusers feel highly justified to having you and your life revolve around them, ALONE. They will find a justifiable reason for treating you badly, EVERYTIME. Even if they appear to change, it is simply a lure to have you drop your gaurd, feel comfortable. When they feel you relax, they are secure in feeling they can step up the abuse again.
You have mentioned he had a period of being nicer, then went back to his usual self? This wasn't a glimpse of healing, this was tactical. Proven in his own actions - as he then asked you to move back in with him. He knew you were getting stronger, finding your own way and not taking his crap, so he softened up, to show you he can be nice. He believes that now he has been 'good' you should forget all the hurt and pain and go back to the way it was.
This is why he gets mad at you for forgetting what you txt. It isn't that he doesn't understand you were busy, it isn't that you should be able to communicate to him better and he would understand. It is simply that he believes that your thoughts should revolve around him, not the kids. Even if you are busy with the kids you should have him in the forefront of your mind.
Many believe abuse is constant, highly violent with the victims finding themselves hospitalised or regularly beaten. A high percentage of verbal, emotional and psychological abusers will turn violent. Like alcoholism, abuse escalates.
Society has difficulty in identifying abuse until it reaches severity, but it is there and has been there prior to that.
Abuse also cycles, abusers are not stupid. They know that when faced with a constant tirade of ridicule, belittlement, judgement etc etc, a person will identify the behaviour as what it is and will likely up and leave.
For this reason, early in relationships, the abuser does not show much abusive tactics. Or else they are subtle. A comment made amoung friends for example, that leaves you feeling off balance, but you laugh about it cos the rest of the party are and so is your partner; plus he just winked at you and said something like 'only messing hunny, you know your my world'.
The mix of hurt and love, confuse the inner senses. You feel loved but also feel pain, the two shouldn't mix, but somehow they do. So you start to question your self, it must be me who sets him off, or I said something to upset him, I know he loves me and so he would not say such things unless he was really upset.
As time goes on you accept more and more as you continue to believe it is 'me', and he becomes comfortable with the level of abuse and is likely to step it up.
You say you have had 'minor altercations' - I say there is no such thing. If he has laid a finger on you in anyway it is UNACCEPTABLE. Prodding, pushing, shoving, putting your finger in someone else's face, using your body to tower over a person, snarling, speaking through teeth etc are ALL acts of abuse and VIOLENCE.
These acts are meant to intimidate and CONTROL you. So that in the future, you think twice about your actions. It works too, I know from my own path.
So I would ask, are you worried of upsetting him, or worried of his reaction?
You are in the right place to find clarity of your situation - living away from him. I would second the idea that you go no contact, if you can for just a week. You can arrange his visits with your son to be via a supportive friend who understands and shows compassion for your situation. It can be done.
I think the time away from him will free your mind from abuse and give you the perspective of what life can be like without the onslaughts, manipulation and control he doles out to you.
If you choose to split, please do so with careful planning. There are plently of guides to leaving an abuser safely.
PM me if you want to.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I would highly recommend you contact an abused woman's shelter or advice line. They can give you advice, listen to your story, help you on your path. They are there for anyone who is experiencing abuse, not just to the partners of batterers.
You are not being harsh by asking him to not eat all the snacks, that is a perfectly reasonable request. Plus, if you choose to purchase snacks for the kids that is YOUR choice and it is wrong of him to ridicule you for the choices you make by telling you you feed them too much rubbish or whatever. By doing that he is insinuating you are a bad mother and hopes to make you question your role as mum.
This then successfully deflects your thoughts from the crux of the matter, which is that HE is the one who is acting highly unreasonable. He knows he does this. Abusers act consciously and CHOOSE to abuse.
Abusers feel highly justified to having you and your life revolve around them, ALONE. They will find a justifiable reason for treating you badly, EVERYTIME. Even if they appear to change, it is simply a lure to have you drop your gaurd, feel comfortable. When they feel you relax, they are secure in feeling they can step up the abuse again.
You have mentioned he had a period of being nicer, then went back to his usual self? This wasn't a glimpse of healing, this was tactical. Proven in his own actions - as he then asked you to move back in with him. He knew you were getting stronger, finding your own way and not taking his crap, so he softened up, to show you he can be nice. He believes that now he has been 'good' you should forget all the hurt and pain and go back to the way it was.
This is why he gets mad at you for forgetting what you txt. It isn't that he doesn't understand you were busy, it isn't that you should be able to communicate to him better and he would understand. It is simply that he believes that your thoughts should revolve around him, not the kids. Even if you are busy with the kids you should have him in the forefront of your mind.
Many believe abuse is constant, highly violent with the victims finding themselves hospitalised or regularly beaten. A high percentage of verbal, emotional and psychological abusers will turn violent. Like alcoholism, abuse escalates.
Society has difficulty in identifying abuse until it reaches severity, but it is there and has been there prior to that.
Abuse also cycles, abusers are not stupid. They know that when faced with a constant tirade of ridicule, belittlement, judgement etc etc, a person will identify the behaviour as what it is and will likely up and leave.
For this reason, early in relationships, the abuser does not show much abusive tactics. Or else they are subtle. A comment made amoung friends for example, that leaves you feeling off balance, but you laugh about it cos the rest of the party are and so is your partner; plus he just winked at you and said something like 'only messing hunny, you know your my world'.
The mix of hurt and love, confuse the inner senses. You feel loved but also feel pain, the two shouldn't mix, but somehow they do. So you start to question your self, it must be me who sets him off, or I said something to upset him, I know he loves me and so he would not say such things unless he was really upset.
As time goes on you accept more and more as you continue to believe it is 'me', and he becomes comfortable with the level of abuse and is likely to step it up.
You say you have had 'minor altercations' - I say there is no such thing. If he has laid a finger on you in anyway it is UNACCEPTABLE. Prodding, pushing, shoving, putting your finger in someone else's face, using your body to tower over a person, snarling, speaking through teeth etc are ALL acts of abuse and VIOLENCE.
These acts are meant to intimidate and CONTROL you. So that in the future, you think twice about your actions. It works too, I know from my own path.
So I would ask, are you worried of upsetting him, or worried of his reaction?
You are in the right place to find clarity of your situation - living away from him. I would second the idea that you go no contact, if you can for just a week. You can arrange his visits with your son to be via a supportive friend who understands and shows compassion for your situation. It can be done.
I think the time away from him will free your mind from abuse and give you the perspective of what life can be like without the onslaughts, manipulation and control he doles out to you.
If you choose to split, please do so with careful planning. There are plently of guides to leaving an abuser safely.
PM me if you want to.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He actually packed up his things and left my house.
Well at least you're standing up for yourself and the kids. You are creating boundaries, he doesn't like them, then storms out like a child. This is how my AH behaved, how most of them do, I'd warrant.
I have great news! If you read those books, if you take those initially scary scary steps of refocusing on yourself and owning you power as a woman and mother and not being afraid of him, you won't care anymore what he does! He can have tantrums, and when he gathers his things and leaves you'll be relieved.
You can be free of this.
I spent a good year and a half with my AH being verbally abusive--which is what yours is doing too--after he had an affair. Lived with the bimbo 8 blocks away, then wanted to come home. I was terrified he would not love me, go back to her, all sorts of fears. They controlled me.
He would wake me up out of a dead sleep and tell me he was divorcing me. Drunk as hell. I would cry, sob, plead and beg. I was hysterical. Lived in absolute fear.
And he kept contacting her. Kept drinking. He didn't care what I said or did.
When I first started to gain independence, when I first started ignoring the rants and raves and demands, he switched tactics and fast. I was astonished at how quickly he maneuvered into a compliant, manipulating role. Promised he'd stop talking to her. Promised to stop drinking. That surprised and hooked me back in.
But he didn't stop. He threw me off his trail. It's part of the dance
Deny
Blame shift and rage at me to take the heat off or when that stops working
Promise to comply long enough for me to relax then do what he wants anyway.
Regardless of how his family feels. Regardless of how it impacts his family. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and that became more and more clear to me until I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I was sick. Ill.
I found a website about leaving a passive aggressive husband (because he is that as well and I hadn't found this wonderful place yet) and memorized the following sentences. They worked immediately and gave me the strength to leave.
I am leaving you now
It is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
Everything is for my greater good.
The night before I was suppose to move out with the kids, we had a fight and he told me he could never reconcile with me because he "didn't agree with my lifestyle." This ordinarily would make me hysterical; beg him to explain what he meant.
But I got in bed and said those sentences over and over to myself and for the first time ever fell asleep without crying, without following him around begging for him to explain what he meant by that. Listen to me. That was a miracle. As miraculous as an alcoholic who gets sober.
The next morning, woke up, got dressed and started loading the truck. Laughing. I was literally laughing and skipping around. I felt my first taste of freedom in a year and a half.
After moving into my new house with the kids, I woke up every day feeling like a little kid at Christmas. I was elated for months. Months! Just to be away from him. Free of his toxic behavior. It was my choice.
That’s real freedom. And if I can do it, so can you.
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