New to dating an alcoholic...also pregnant.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi bacon-
i add my vote to the "run, and run fast" away from this man.
why not consider blocking his phone number while he is in jail and take those 3 weeks to focus on yourself?
it will be very difficult to think straight with his constant phone calls pledging undying love.
bacon, alcoholics who aren't in recovery get worse and worse. it is a progressive disease.
i am also concerned about his tendency to abuse that he has already shown. "Shut your f--king mouth c--t" over and over again" is abuse. plus, he tried to break your cell phone. my concern is next, he will attack you. please pay attention to his PO, who said he feels he might have a tendency towards violence. i would imagine that the PO has access to his previous actions before the 6 months you've been dating...i would pay attention to his warning. your man might have a previous record that you are unaware of, but the PO officer knows.
mine was verbally abusive, then started breaking things. then apologized and said it was the drink. then he graduated from breaking things to throwing things. then he started attacking me and things became really crazy.
i'm not saying yours is the same as mine, but i see many warning signals in your note, which make me feel to caution you.
i resisted for a long time going "no contact" (which means no contact whatsoever with your man...no phone calls...no texting...no face-to-face meetings) but i really wish i had done so sooner.
you can block the number he calls from on your phone or you can get a new number. that will accomplish two things:
1. give you time away from his quacking to recover from what has happned.
2. it sends a clear message to him that you are serious
welcome and i hope you keep posting. educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism, so that you understand his games/lies/manipulation/quacking and can see it for what it is.
naive
i add my vote to the "run, and run fast" away from this man.
why not consider blocking his phone number while he is in jail and take those 3 weeks to focus on yourself?
it will be very difficult to think straight with his constant phone calls pledging undying love.
bacon, alcoholics who aren't in recovery get worse and worse. it is a progressive disease.
i am also concerned about his tendency to abuse that he has already shown. "Shut your f--king mouth c--t" over and over again" is abuse. plus, he tried to break your cell phone. my concern is next, he will attack you. please pay attention to his PO, who said he feels he might have a tendency towards violence. i would imagine that the PO has access to his previous actions before the 6 months you've been dating...i would pay attention to his warning. your man might have a previous record that you are unaware of, but the PO officer knows.
mine was verbally abusive, then started breaking things. then apologized and said it was the drink. then he graduated from breaking things to throwing things. then he started attacking me and things became really crazy.
i'm not saying yours is the same as mine, but i see many warning signals in your note, which make me feel to caution you.
i resisted for a long time going "no contact" (which means no contact whatsoever with your man...no phone calls...no texting...no face-to-face meetings) but i really wish i had done so sooner.
you can block the number he calls from on your phone or you can get a new number. that will accomplish two things:
1. give you time away from his quacking to recover from what has happned.
2. it sends a clear message to him that you are serious
welcome and i hope you keep posting. educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism, so that you understand his games/lies/manipulation/quacking and can see it for what it is.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi bacon,
What he has done is called verbal abuse. And it is a cycle because they hurt you badly, then apologize to make you believe 'it will be ok in the future'. Then they hurt you again. Then they lie again.. and only you can break the destructive cycle.
Please think about the lessons taught to your son... he is learning it is normal to treat a woman that way. When he grows up he most probably start abusing you, girlfriends, his wife. His daughters. Will you have the right to be surprised?
The decisions you take now are far reaching. Are you going to allow history repeat itself or are you willing to be a factor of change and healing?
What he has done is called verbal abuse. And it is a cycle because they hurt you badly, then apologize to make you believe 'it will be ok in the future'. Then they hurt you again. Then they lie again.. and only you can break the destructive cycle.
Please think about the lessons taught to your son... he is learning it is normal to treat a woman that way. When he grows up he most probably start abusing you, girlfriends, his wife. His daughters. Will you have the right to be surprised?
The decisions you take now are far reaching. Are you going to allow history repeat itself or are you willing to be a factor of change and healing?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi Bacon....as a young mom of a 17 month little girl who JUST left her ex-con XAH after 5 years of verbal/emotional abuse, crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, raging, bargaining for the drinking, drug use/sale, and lying to stop....I understand completely.
I too had terribly low self-esteem. I thought so little of myself that I let myself get caught up in a polygamist sex group, passed around from guy to guy, because I thought I didn't deserve love. Every previous relationship I'd had was with someone who abused me in some way. After a time, I came to believe that I couldn't make a relationship work so the only love I could get was through sex.
I spent 2 long and painful years working as a stripper, completely supporting my then-husband and his son. This man was also an anarchist, a REBEL...had never worked a job in his life, had only mooched off girlfriends, his parents and the system...had no ID, had a criminal record in the USA for embezzlement and was a parole violator...oh and, he was a "great dad" to his two sons (from two different mothers). I too got snagged by the "Misunderstood Misfit Single Dad Who Only Needs the Love of a Good Woman to Straighten Out". I fell for it HARD. YUCK.
He also made me feel like I was worth something. I felt that he helped my self-esteem, but in reality, he was just using me and manipulating me. We also had a wonderful "honeymoon" period were everything was great and it was "us against the world".
And then things started to fall apart. Promises were made and broken. And made and broken. And made and broken. I cried a lot. Wondered if I could "save" him, or "change" him.
I hung on for 5 years. I was real stubborn
After my daughter was born...I realized I couldn't let her learn that it was ok for a man to behave this way with his wife, and with his family.
I'd like to tell you to "RUN" and "SAVE YOUR CHILD", but I think you'll make your decision when you are ready, when you feel that you have had enough.
Please go to Al-Anon. Please keep reading the stickies on the board. Please post as often as you want or need. We're here for you. Many of us have been where you have been.
Turn the focus away from this man, what he does, what he says, what he may or may not promise, and focus on yourself and your unborn child. What do you want in life? What makes you happy?
I'm so glad you found SR. The people here are awesome.
I too had terribly low self-esteem. I thought so little of myself that I let myself get caught up in a polygamist sex group, passed around from guy to guy, because I thought I didn't deserve love. Every previous relationship I'd had was with someone who abused me in some way. After a time, I came to believe that I couldn't make a relationship work so the only love I could get was through sex.
I spent 2 long and painful years working as a stripper, completely supporting my then-husband and his son. This man was also an anarchist, a REBEL...had never worked a job in his life, had only mooched off girlfriends, his parents and the system...had no ID, had a criminal record in the USA for embezzlement and was a parole violator...oh and, he was a "great dad" to his two sons (from two different mothers). I too got snagged by the "Misunderstood Misfit Single Dad Who Only Needs the Love of a Good Woman to Straighten Out". I fell for it HARD. YUCK.
He also made me feel like I was worth something. I felt that he helped my self-esteem, but in reality, he was just using me and manipulating me. We also had a wonderful "honeymoon" period were everything was great and it was "us against the world".
And then things started to fall apart. Promises were made and broken. And made and broken. And made and broken. I cried a lot. Wondered if I could "save" him, or "change" him.
I hung on for 5 years. I was real stubborn
After my daughter was born...I realized I couldn't let her learn that it was ok for a man to behave this way with his wife, and with his family.
I'd like to tell you to "RUN" and "SAVE YOUR CHILD", but I think you'll make your decision when you are ready, when you feel that you have had enough.
Please go to Al-Anon. Please keep reading the stickies on the board. Please post as often as you want or need. We're here for you. Many of us have been where you have been.
Turn the focus away from this man, what he does, what he says, what he may or may not promise, and focus on yourself and your unborn child. What do you want in life? What makes you happy?
I'm so glad you found SR. The people here are awesome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
A man that calls you a c$&@ does not love or respect you. That is all manipulation to keep you in his life for his own selfish reasons.
I think you need to ask yourself why this kind of behavior is acceptable to you. Also, think about what kind of life you want for this baby. It will get worse before it gets better.
Hugs! Keep posting : )
I think you need to ask yourself why this kind of behavior is acceptable to you. Also, think about what kind of life you want for this baby. It will get worse before it gets better.
Hugs! Keep posting : )
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Bacon 
I guess my question is, how do you know when to give up on someone? Is there ever a way to know that they are truly on their own path to change or if they are just pretending? What motivates an alcoholic to quit? I don't want to give up on him if there's a chance that he's going to stop.
I know I can't fix him; no one can make someone do something. If I tried to force him, he would probably drink more. I just know that sometimes people finally get to the point in life where they stop on their own and they succeed. I would think that if anything would make him want to change his life, it would be losing his family if he didn't.
When I broke up with him, I explained that his lifestyle was not okay with me and that I didn't want my kids or myself to live like that. He promised to quit drinking and I told him that would be great and maybe we could get back together someday, but that only time would show where things were going to end up. I would work on myself and he could do the same if he chose, and hopefully we would end up in a place where we could share that life. I'm going to start college after the baby is born and have been trying to clarify what my life goals are and what I need to do to get there. I'll be okay. I just love him and we could have a good life together.
I know I can't fix him; no one can make someone do something. If I tried to force him, he would probably drink more. I just know that sometimes people finally get to the point in life where they stop on their own and they succeed. I would think that if anything would make him want to change his life, it would be losing his family if he didn't.
When I broke up with him, I explained that his lifestyle was not okay with me and that I didn't want my kids or myself to live like that. He promised to quit drinking and I told him that would be great and maybe we could get back together someday, but that only time would show where things were going to end up. I would work on myself and he could do the same if he chose, and hopefully we would end up in a place where we could share that life. I'm going to start college after the baby is born and have been trying to clarify what my life goals are and what I need to do to get there. I'll be okay. I just love him and we could have a good life together.
Run for your life.
I can say that without hesitation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Bacon, you dear sweet girl... please take the advice from all of us and steer clear of this man. He is NOT going to do anything for you OR your child.
You are not alone with your own issues. I think all of us have felt "needy" - and it increases after a lengthy relationship with an addict. We're emotionally starved, and it's no wonder why we gobble up any morsel of attention when it is thrown our way. Let me tell you, if you are emotionally needy now, just wait and see how needy you'll be after living for any period of time with an alcoholic. Your self-esteem will be in tatters.
You need to work on yourself. Life is so short. And, the older one gets, the faster it goes. Don't WASTE your life, or your children's lives. RUN!
Again, sorry for my bluntness. I know first-hand just how devastating life is with an abusive alcoholic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone ever.
You are not alone with your own issues. I think all of us have felt "needy" - and it increases after a lengthy relationship with an addict. We're emotionally starved, and it's no wonder why we gobble up any morsel of attention when it is thrown our way. Let me tell you, if you are emotionally needy now, just wait and see how needy you'll be after living for any period of time with an alcoholic. Your self-esteem will be in tatters.
You need to work on yourself. Life is so short. And, the older one gets, the faster it goes. Don't WASTE your life, or your children's lives. RUN!
Again, sorry for my bluntness. I know first-hand just how devastating life is with an abusive alcoholic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone ever.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Originally Posted by Bacon
I feel better now but I know that I still have insecurity issues. I'm not ugly, but I'm not an attractive girl, and I am overweight. I used to sleep with men too soon. I'm a single mom and got laid off, and now I'm pregnant and unemployed for the first time in 12 years. I've got social anxiety and only have two close friends. One lives out of state now and the other is an alcoholic with a busy life. As I become aware of my emotional issues, I am trying to fix them, for myself and my son(s).
I agree with every advice you´ve been given here. I also know how difficult it is for you to leave your man, but you have an opportunity to work on yourself and the issues you talk about here.
You have problems, but problems can sometimes be great opportunities. They can be life-changing in a good way. There is so much you can do to build your self-esteem and start a new life for you and your children.
I used to be where you are, and I thought I would never be able to get out of it, because I knew deep down the marriage would eventually finish me off. I decided to get strong and then I left. I´ve never looked back and what I found was a life so much more rewarding. I have the twelve step program, good family, my children, friends and therapy to thank for that.
I would recommend Al-Anon and therapy to empower yourself. You would get out of isolation and start focusing on yourself and what is good for you and your children.
Sending hugs and good thoughts to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Bernadette posted the following paragraph and I just think it is such good advice:
"Just right here right now. You can only make decisions based on what he has shown you in the past and on his daily actions. So today was he working a program of recovery and not drinking and smoking drugs? Did he go to work today and did he make use of healthy outlets for his stress, like exercise or some hobby or hanging out with sober friends or other healthy habits that one day your child will grow up to learn and imitate?"
I struggle with making plans alone, because it feels so lonely and sad. I feel depressed when my addict refuses to join me in my sober and healthy activities. Then, the depression causes me to stall on carrying out those plans. Then, I change my mind and don't do them at all. This is where Bernadette's paragraph comes in. I need to keep asking myself those questions and force myself to see the reality: that I am hanging on to a guy who is not making an effort and it is foolish to base my life on a guy who is not trying. Thank you Bernadette!
Bacon: If I were you, I would cut all contact with this man. He reminds me of my ex, who turned out to be very abusive. Do you want this for your children? Please go to Al-Anon and get a sponsor.
"Just right here right now. You can only make decisions based on what he has shown you in the past and on his daily actions. So today was he working a program of recovery and not drinking and smoking drugs? Did he go to work today and did he make use of healthy outlets for his stress, like exercise or some hobby or hanging out with sober friends or other healthy habits that one day your child will grow up to learn and imitate?"
I struggle with making plans alone, because it feels so lonely and sad. I feel depressed when my addict refuses to join me in my sober and healthy activities. Then, the depression causes me to stall on carrying out those plans. Then, I change my mind and don't do them at all. This is where Bernadette's paragraph comes in. I need to keep asking myself those questions and force myself to see the reality: that I am hanging on to a guy who is not making an effort and it is foolish to base my life on a guy who is not trying. Thank you Bernadette!
Bacon: If I were you, I would cut all contact with this man. He reminds me of my ex, who turned out to be very abusive. Do you want this for your children? Please go to Al-Anon and get a sponsor.
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