calling the cops on your a/addict

Old 12-16-2009, 08:18 AM
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calling the cops on your a/addict

My friends keep asking me, could you just call the cops on your AH and get him arrested?

This is after I've recently been finding out a lot about his drug use. He's threatening things with financial matters and being an ABSOLUTE disgusting pig towards me. I know he's buying a load of drugs to bring to his work's holiday party at a bar downtown this weekend, I know where the party is, and I know that his boss even knows about it, and I'm sure is getting in on it.

They think it would help my problems go away if I tipped off the cops.. here is AH, driving a car w/o a valid license (car is in my name), most likely carrying at least a small quantity of drugs on his person throughout the night, drinking, etc.

My take is I'm trying to only do things that will benefit me in some way, for my sanity. Doing things to just outright harm him, is like playing his game, and if it doesn't benefit me there's really no reason.

At the same time, he will do or say something that makes me SO ANGRY that I just want him to suffer, and stop spending money he is supposed to be paying bills with on damn drugs and booze.

I'm sure others here have been in a similar situation, looking for input or stories.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:39 AM
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I don't think I could do it. ALthough I wish I could somtimes because they have no right being on the road! I will let my HP handle his outcome. I do not think that people that do it are in the wrong, though.

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Old 12-16-2009, 08:48 AM
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Right.. I think if I wanted to I could justify it as a 'safety hazard to others' but in reality I think a large portion of it would have been spurred by anger at him, anyway!
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:50 AM
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Are you still living with him?
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:55 AM
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Yes, I'm working on my exit strategy. It will be some day in January. I literally have to abandon the house I have been paying for all year
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:09 AM
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If he went to jail for this, would he call you to bond him out?
Would you own up to calling them while still living with him?
Would he think you did it?
Does it benefit you in any way for him to be employed?
I think I would only call the cops if I never had to see him again -- but then I am a coward.
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:12 AM
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LOL all good questions stella. I would not own up to calling them. I would certainly not bail him out. He would possibly call me but probably call a friend instead.
It really doesn't benefit me hardly at all for him to be employed--he hasn't contributed to any bills at all really... just spends his money on gambling drugs and alcohol which makes him even more miserable to be around.
I don't know, I was just curious about others' thoughts and if anyone else had had the same idea and/or done it before I'm sure I won't actually do it.. at least not yet.
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:19 AM
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If I thought someone stood to be hurt by his actions (like driving drunk with children in the car), I would absolutely call.

Just to get him in trouble - probably not.

I haven't been to much al-anon, but I did understand that you are never to act to CAUSE a crisis or to PREVENT a crisis. I think doing this might be causing a crisis.

jmo!
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:23 AM
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I've thought about it but never done it.
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:40 AM
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I definitely would not advise calling the police just to report his drug use at the party.

But i definitely would take steps to protect yourself legally with him having that car that has your name on it with drugs in it (even if it is just on his person) and with him not having a valid driver's license.

I would definitely advise you to set boundaries on that issue. I cannot say for sure what choices there are in regards to that. I will say that when my son was 18 and out in "his" car, i had the title put in his name and my name taken off it. I know that's a tad different that a married couple, but maybe it's not that far off.

So i guess what i'm saying here is your boundary-setting has to do with your protection (legal, emotional, physical, etc).
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:57 AM
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wowow lots to read. yes I'm aware of the car issue .. I thought I was protected at least from him driving it because it is insured. The car is in my name but we bought it for him. I have my own car also in my name. his is upside down on the loan, which is why I haven't taken it back from him, up until now I was believing he'd be paying his share on the loan etc. I don't trust him at all anymore. My plan is that when I move out in January I will also be taking the car, if not before that.. and having to eat the debt on that loan. The hesitation is that he has claimed he can't get a new car until he gets his license and that takes weeks. It's been 1.5 years and he 'hasn't had time' to renew his international license.
lame.
My hesitation has been the war that will erupt when I absolutely take that step. I want to be prepared and do everything at once and that takes timing. I suppose calling the cops while he's in my car I could get in trouble for that too? I don't know.

It's a small amount for now (not like he's dealing in 1000's of dollars), so I'm guessing he'd get a slap on the wrist if anything. He would come back to the house, he has no where else to go. My guess is he'd know it was me. I'm not prepared to testify against him at this point, I want to protect myself first. I do fear that while doing drugs like this he could lose control, he hasn't before but he certainly has that crazy look in his eye.

He is insured on the car with his (now expired) international license. I'm not sure what the rammifications of this are.
Good question.. I have been on him to renew for over a year, he keeps putting it off, the lazy jerk.
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Old 12-16-2009, 11:10 AM
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Cool

"...He is insured on the car with his (now expired) international license. I'm not sure what the rammifications of this are..."

The ramifications would be that if he got into an accident, when a claim was filed, your insurance company would see (from the accident report) that his license was expired, and they would say, "Sorry, we don't pay on this. He would only be covered if his license was valid/in force."

Bucyn made some very valid legal points; you should look into what trouble you could get into.


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Old 12-16-2009, 11:19 AM
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Thanks guys for the advice. I wanted to wait and not start a war by taking the car first... I was going to take it after I moved out for my own safety too..
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Old 12-18-2009, 05:24 AM
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I agree with Boycn, sweetheart. You could be looking at a whole lot of trouble over his driving that little car. Too bad you're not closer to me. My truck was stolen two weeks ago, just totally disappeared. So I've been bumming rides from friends and coworkers, renting, calling a cab. It's getting hectic. I'd take over the loan payments for you (and I'm a licensed, insured driver). LOL

One of the things I had to always tell myself was that if I am protecting myself then regardless of the outcome, I was doing the right thing (didn't want to cause an uproar or fight by any means but if a fight was the outcome because of my actions to protecting myself then so be it).
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Old 12-18-2009, 06:03 AM
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My experience:
My take is I'm trying to only do things that will benefit me in some way, for my sanity. Doing things to just outright harm him, is like playing his game, and if it doesn't benefit me there's really no reason.
yes yes yes. This always, always brings me detachment. Helps me move forward, away without emotion and drama. A no lose situation. Of course it also means letting go of my addiction to him, but it's more worth it than I can articulate. It's what I"ve been looking for all this time. Focusing on myself, loving myself, loving others and healing.

At the same time, he will do or say something that makes me SO ANGRY that I just want him to suffer, and stop spending money he is supposed to be paying bills with on damn drugs and booze.
This is where the changes starts for me. When my AH is saying or doing something that makes me SO ANGRY, if I stop, physically stop myself and breath and refocus and release and turn away from him to do something beautiful in my life, then the healing and change starts.

You know why? Because I"m not acting on fear.

I made a commitment to myself in 2004--2004!--to not make decisions or take action based on fear. I saw and felt that collective fear was very high and knew it controlled my life in many ways.

You probably read about profiles in courage, or see them on TV, where slaves or rape victims or someone in a horrendous situation refuses to die or become enslaved in their minds. When you aren't afraid to die, when your worst fears come true, you are truly free. No one holds power over you. Not one single person can harm you. They can kill you, they can do whatever physical thing or emotional torment they want, but you have strength and serenity.

When I turn away from the temptation to retaliate, and couple it with gratitude for my life, powerful things happen. Stuff I could never imagine.
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