He told me that I have the power to
 

give him sobriety and the power to make him drink. He told me this when I said he could not come and stay with me. He thinks staying with me will help him get off of the binge drunk he's been on for weeks.

I asked him to please tell his sponsor that he said this tomorrow when he meets with him (this meeting could be a lie).

He said, "I did tell the sponsor and he totally understands. He knows it's true." I said, "Then please tell your sponsor to call me tomorrow and explain my powers to me. I need clarification."

I suppose if I let him stay with me, he'll stop drinking for awhile. But would it last?

If I say no and he becomes a full-blown full-time drunk again, drops out of college, and ends up homeless, is it a little bit my fault?

If I just get him through Christmas, will he be ok?

He said, "You have the power to give me sobriety and the power to make me drink." He said this when he was drunk.

I can't let him come over.

KP,

This is from our sticky post About Recovery. It is information posted by Morning Glory and found in the link about "hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships"

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."

The only person that has the power to keep me sober is myself. I tried to make my exhusband my personal life coach (he didn't volunteer). He wasn't equipped to handle my life and his too. He had his own issues with alcohol yet I thought we could do this together. When he didn't offer me the support I WANTED, I resented him. I wanted to keep my dirty little secret private. Let's not share this with anyone outside the family. Keep it just between us.

My expectations of him were unrealistic. They were unhealthy. I found that the best source of support for me in sobriety was other recovering alcoholics. People who understood my cravings, my attempts at manipulation, people with the guts to call me on my BS, etc. My friends and family were able to let me know they were happy about my decision, but that is the only support they were able to offer.

When I divorced my active alcoholic husband, he finally decided to get sober and asked me for help. I was a recovering alcoholic. I should be able to help another alcoholic, right? No. I was still working on me, I couldn't offer him the support I knew he would need to overcome something so powerful. He would need someone of the same gender who understood his hormones, thoughts, reactions, and pressures. He needed a sponsor.

Your ABF is asking you to be his nanny/sponsor. Are you equipped emotionally, spiritually and physically for this role?

You did great in recognizing that he was drinking when he called you with this BS and not allowing him to come over.

My ex tried to insert his plea for my help during any conversation we had about our divorce and child. I told him I would not listen to his requests for my help and one more chance. Then I would hang up. I hung up every time he went there. I only had to hang up about 5 times. He got the message.

Going NO Contact with an active alcoholic is for your serenity. It is not about denying them help. The alcoholic knows where to get help.

I really recommend NO Contact. Especially after 5 p.m. (happy hour).

KP-read the above sentence from your post. If you had the power to give him sobriety...he would be sober by now. If you have the power to make him drink...that's his out for when you take him back and he does it again...and you know he will.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting a different result! The only thing that will be different is the date on the calendar!

Focus on making yourself well...not him. You didn't create his problem and you are NOT responsible for his care or cure. This just his BS to snag you back in. Don't fall for it. You deserve better!!

And NO-IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't take on that guilt. He has a disease...and you are not at fault for it!!!

If you had that power, addicts would be knocking down your door trying to get "the magic stuff" off you. Whether he truly believes this or whether he is trying to manipulate you doesn't matter. You simply do not control other people's actions and feelings.

Ha. This is pure B.S. Talk to his sponsor if you need confirmation of said B.S.

No. You know it won't.

No, his choices, his responsibility.

You are NOT there with a gun to his head, making him drink or not drink. Every moment he is walking towards the fridge, opening it, taking out a beer, swallowing, he is making a choice. You do not control this.

It is not your responsibility to "get him through Christmas". He can choose to do that for himself or not.

Please don't take this poison apple he is offering you.

Exactly.

TRANSLATION: If you do EVERYTHING I want, when I want to make me more comfortable, I might stay sober, but you will not be able to do things as I want so I will then have an excuse to drink.

Sheeesssshhh what a load of b.s.!!!!!!!!

I also know of no 'sponsor' that would say that, roflmao boy is he living in an alternate reality.

I hope you can see the manipulation! Best to just get on with your life without him. He is QUACKING plain and simple.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Pelican, I'm going to print this out and post it on my fridge. It's amazing. Thank you so much.

I called him this morning because I knew I would be waking him up and he would be sober. He's very sick, has almost no voice, had a pounding headache and feels like crap I'm sure. I told him that I had to stay out of his life right now for MY sake. I calmly and matter-of-factly said I wasn't able to help him. I said he got sober before, so he knows how. I did ask him what went though his mind before he drinks. He said it's usually after a fight with me. Funny cause we fight because he drinks. I said, "well, than thats another reason we shouldn't talk, because I'm not helping your sobriety."

He said he didn't like the no contact idea and said I just "needed" to stop yelling at him whenever he calls and everything would be ok. I told him that when he calls drunk and says horrible things, I don't know any other way to respond but to yell and hang up (my fault there).

He's in contact with his sponsor again, so he has help. I'm going to really try to focus on me. I don't know what I would do without you guys and this forum. Thank you again.

That about sums up his attitude right now. Doesn't he ever wonder how I'm doing? Doesn't he ever worry about me? It's so scary that I could care about someone so much who appears to care so little about me.

I told him this morning what he said. He said he didn't really believe that, but then followed up with, "after we fight I want to drink."

I feel like I can do this now, especially if I DON'T pick up the phone. I left my voicemail box full (it's filled with his angry messages), so he can't leave any more. It's too hard to not listen to them. Much better if I just don't allow him to leave any more.

Thanks.

Wow. If an alkie told me that I could only say -- "OK I believe you. And so I better stay 100% away from you forever because that is an awesome power that I do not wish to exert on anyone."

Bunch of quacking KP. How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.

peace-
b

Bernadette - :)

:) Wow. Harsh but true.

((((KeepPedaling))))

Hang in there!

And may I say that this is big old pile of fertilizer! You are not at all responsible for his drinking, his not drinking, his hang nails, his split ends, the color of his sky, anything. Your last line said it all....."I cannot let him come over". That, IMHO, is your answer.

Good luck as you continue to find your peace and serenity.

Hugs, HG

If his sponsor feels otherwise, he shouldn't be sponsoring.

I'm sure he was lying about what his sponsor said.

KP: if I remember right, you have only been with thus guy for 6 months. That is no tome in the big picture. Your life with him will always look like this. Is this what you want? I was with xabf for 4 years total. My life was full of the same stuff until I decided I deserved so much better than that. I really home you do the same. Hugs!

My AH used to say the same thing. I had to power to make him drink, Yeah ok. But I do have a funny story to this post.

We used to live in the woods, behind our house were fields that we did not own. The farmer hated us because he ripped up his fields Anyways, of course AH had a four-wheeler that he would get himself all drunked up and ride in the fields, used to make me completly insane with worry that he would kill himself. One night all drunked up there he is ready to ride. There I am pleading, begging, crying the whole nine yards. Didnt matter he was going to ride. Half way down the yard the thing died. He's out there trying and trying to get this thing started, finally he gives up.

By this time I was in the house thanking God that the four wheeler broke down. He marches in the house and says.. Get this girls "You are a witch.. You must have some sort of powers that made my four-wheeler die. You are always using your powers to make my life a living hell. If its not one thing its another."

Well I busted out laughing so hard, which of course just fueled the fire but I just couldnt hold it in. So as the years went by, I bought myself one of those disney magic wands and when he got on my nerves enough I would wave the thing around. Used to make him nuts. Back then that was the only thing I could I could think up. Still makes me laugh. Hope it does the same for you.

Yep!! I got the same bs about how I MADE him drink; It was ALL my fault, every time he caved in to a drink, and each time I WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR HIM.

Last time he began the 'You did this to me" rubbish, I told him he was a dumbo, because if I had enough WOW power to make him drink, I would have used it to
1, keep him sober or
2, make him disappear out of my life.
As neither had happened I figured I had NO power at all, and he was just a brat putting his c**p on to me.

So much for Abracadabra,..............does not work.

God bless

He's a manuplative liar. He is trying to control you and blame you for his lack of control over himself. Please, please do not believe his bulls**t. You deserve better than someone who treats you this way.

NYC - I really don't want a life of the same. Just a month of it has been more than I can handle. Thank you for the support.
WizeDeb - That is FUNNY!!!

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I feel like I'm starting to come out of the fog a little. I really don't know how people go through this without help like this.

I didn't call him again today and haven't heard from him.