ANEWAUGUST

Two words to describe his statement: word vomit!

I don't know what AA program he is working, or who his sponsor it., but, this AA'er
has never heard anything like that at all.

Only., a power greater then ourselves our Higher Power, whom I call God is that powerful.

That is what this AA'er has learned.

Peace

MeHandle

Yes, he was drunk when he said it. And he may have really believed what he said. If so he was missing the obvious though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the power was yours he wouldn't be calling you drunk.

Addict's manipulate people in the moment. Their history is irrelevant in excepting your stand and the last thing they want you to do is to consider what is the reasonable way to do what is best for all because that is not what is best for them, in the moment. They depend on their manipulation of your feeling for decisions, those made in the moment , towards their immediate need.

KeepPedaling

Thanks MeHandle.

It's still hard not to feel like I have some influence over his drinking. He says he always drinks when we fight. We fought because he drinks. When he first started drinking again, it was after we fought. We were fighting because he was totally disappearing inside himself, emotionally distant. We fought; he drank.

MeHandle

Keeppedaling, it can be hard but seeing where we make it harder on ourselves helps use move beyond these feelings and thinking.

Let us just say that he drinks when the 2 of you fight. Let us even say that you were the cause of the fight. Let's even say you were unreasonable and he was trying to stop the fight with healthy communication. Let's just say......it is your fault he is so stressed.

Now: Is it your fault that he chooses to handle his stress by drinking? Did you cause him to drink? Even if you "drove him to drink" did you poor the drink down his throat?
And if you "drive him to drink", if you are a toxic stresser of men, why the heck would he continue to listen to you "fight" if he really doesn't want to drink? Hmmmm....sound like power over him or him passing the blame? Also, what is the percentage that his drinking is actually attached to the 2 of you fighting? How many drinks do you think he has before he is no longer stressed?( that is why he is drinking, to relieve the stress, right?)I mean physically, when is the stress relieved ?

I find that addicts are really stressed when I need to tell them how I feel , no fighting needed. Actually, i find that everything is a reason for them to use and that they really don't need a reason to use at all except "because i want to ." Sometimes they just want to use and hell with the consequences.

barb dwyer

agreed.

anyhow - if you could make him anything,
drink, not drink -
then why the heck don't you 'make' him ... a millionaire?

coffeedrinker

When you two fight, HE gets upset, right?

When you two fight, YOU get upset, right?

When there is discord, it's upsetting. What is the difference between how you respond, and how he does? He might become upset when you fight, but....ok. Life happens. It's how you choose to repond that makes the difference.

Yeah, an alcholic ALWAYS has something/someone to blame. It's called not taking responsibility. Don't lay anything on yourself for causing him upset. It's what humans do sometimes.

Bernadette

from barb: then why the heck don't you 'make' him ... a millionaire?

LOL LOL LOL!!!

KeepPedaling

I wish he would have just said that, "I drank because I wanted to. I didn't care how it would affect you. I don't care that it dissolved our relationship. I care more about drinking than anything. I drink because I want to."

Why couldn't he just say that? Why did he have to say it was my fault? Ugh.

You're right, he got really really stressed every time I told him how I felt. Really mad actually. Especially if I said I was hurt about anything.

I haven't spoken to him in three days now. He texts me every day that he loves and misses me. I don't know if he's drunk or sober. I don't text back.

bookwyrm

Denial, denial, denial. He may well believe what he is telling you because he is in such deep denial. STBXAH doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions - everything bad is my fault. I drove him to drink, I drove him to another woman, I 'made' him get a degree (huh??). It means he doesn't ever have to look at his own actions and take responsibility for them - I'm the big bad who 'made' him do it all! He cannot take the guilt, he has to be the 'good guy' in his own eyes. He would throw the blame on me and use my guilt to control and manipulate me. Does any of this sound familiar?