How Long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
How Long
How long can I expect it to take to get some kind of peace in my house?
I am a calmer person. I am having more fun with my kids. I have established a schedule/routine.
Chaos continues to rein in my house. Between my two younger boys one of them is in meltdown mode all the time it seems. My older boys are so angry and mouthy and my son with ADHD is just off the map with those symptoms. He needs directions and 45 minutes to find his feet. The noise and activity level is at 90% all.the.time. I try to remain calm and patient but it is very hard. I try to reward them for following the schedule/routine but they are always chasing, bickering, teasing, ignoring me and then they don't earn the rewards and then the day is full of negativity instead of positivity.
I know this is a hard time of year. It seems no day is a regular day. They are also adjusting to being at their dads and then at my house. We will be moving soon and that means a new school and a new house (and this house is for sale so 1/2 our stuff is packed and I am always picking up). Dad will be 35 minute drive away then and that is causing them stress. I know it is a lot for them. I'm trying to be understanding of the cause of the chaos and still have reasonable behavioral expectations.
I don't know what I'm looking for? Just reassurance that there is light at the end of this tunnel I guess. How long did it take for your home life to sort of settle down?
I have so much stress with selling the house, the divorce, my job is suffering, $$$, trying to get things lined up for the move, no one to watch my kids so I never have non-kid time unless I ignore work, stress when the boys are with dh, just a lot of stress so I'm desperate for my home to be a place to want to be. To enjoy my family not feel like I am constantly running in circles herding cats. Big, loud, demanding cats.
I am a calmer person. I am having more fun with my kids. I have established a schedule/routine.
Chaos continues to rein in my house. Between my two younger boys one of them is in meltdown mode all the time it seems. My older boys are so angry and mouthy and my son with ADHD is just off the map with those symptoms. He needs directions and 45 minutes to find his feet. The noise and activity level is at 90% all.the.time. I try to remain calm and patient but it is very hard. I try to reward them for following the schedule/routine but they are always chasing, bickering, teasing, ignoring me and then they don't earn the rewards and then the day is full of negativity instead of positivity.
I know this is a hard time of year. It seems no day is a regular day. They are also adjusting to being at their dads and then at my house. We will be moving soon and that means a new school and a new house (and this house is for sale so 1/2 our stuff is packed and I am always picking up). Dad will be 35 minute drive away then and that is causing them stress. I know it is a lot for them. I'm trying to be understanding of the cause of the chaos and still have reasonable behavioral expectations.
I don't know what I'm looking for? Just reassurance that there is light at the end of this tunnel I guess. How long did it take for your home life to sort of settle down?
I have so much stress with selling the house, the divorce, my job is suffering, $$$, trying to get things lined up for the move, no one to watch my kids so I never have non-kid time unless I ignore work, stress when the boys are with dh, just a lot of stress so I'm desperate for my home to be a place to want to be. To enjoy my family not feel like I am constantly running in circles herding cats. Big, loud, demanding cats.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
If you can't herd them, can you try avoiding the cats?
Truly, it will definitely be like this til after the holidays because all these days of no structure REALLY doesn't help the sense of calm and predictability in our house!
Can you send them outside? Seriously. require them to run laps - physical exercise is good for their bodies, their excess energy, and their brains.
How about a regular (early!) bedtime? That helps. And meals at the table. I have found that all of these things contribute to our group well-being.
It is so hard to contemplate moving, the separation and all the stress associated with it. Just try to get your breaks in where you can (at work probably!)
Go to bed earlier. I swear that will help!
Truly, it will definitely be like this til after the holidays because all these days of no structure REALLY doesn't help the sense of calm and predictability in our house!
Can you send them outside? Seriously. require them to run laps - physical exercise is good for their bodies, their excess energy, and their brains.
How about a regular (early!) bedtime? That helps. And meals at the table. I have found that all of these things contribute to our group well-being.
It is so hard to contemplate moving, the separation and all the stress associated with it. Just try to get your breaks in where you can (at work probably!)
Go to bed earlier. I swear that will help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by stella27 
If you can't herd them, can you try avoiding the cats?
Thank you for the post. I read yours on another thread and thought "I want that" so posted this one, lol.
Originally Posted by Bucyn
Me too.
The house thing will be okay within a year, maybe six months if your divorce is final. You'll be living in a peaceful calm atmosphere if that's the kind of household you set up.
But the kid thing. Well, that might take a long time.
The house thing will be okay within a year, maybe six months if your divorce is final. You'll be living in a peaceful calm atmosphere if that's the kind of household you set up.
But the kid thing. Well, that might take a long time.
Regarding the rest of your post. I'm sorry for the heartache you have. I think a lot about that. My ah has said over and over he's leaving the state for a job. My boys ,especially the older two, will be devastated if he does that.
He didn't keep his word regarding plans when we lived together. If he doesn't stop drinking I see no reason for that to change. He see's them now because I make that happen. I arrange it, I take them over there, I pick them up, etc. When I quit doing 100% of it, and I will after Christmas and our move, then I think he will be unreliable. That is the big trade off with my divorce. I get my life and my soul, but I no longer have any way to temper the impact to my kids. When we were all under one roof it was much easier when it came to making sure the kids were safe and somewhat sheltered. Ah would stay in this state forever if he was under my roof. They were always safe, well fed, homework done, and supervised when we were all under one roof. I can't assure any of that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
45 minutes and directions to find his feet? Oh, I know that well. My daughter and I are both off the map ADD (fortunately we're more inattentive than hyper). I hate it, but what has helped me most is just the acceptance that this is who we are. Our house is a mess, it's a rare day when we get everywhere on time, we're both constantly behind on our homework and trying to catch up. Well, that's not entirely true. I've had 30 years on her to learn to manage a bit, so I frantically finish my homework the night that it's due while simultaneously badgering her to get through the next math problem. (I won't let her take ritalin-- I have a problem with hairpulling, it's genetic, and stimulants can trigger it in suceptible children.)
It doesn't help to hold up some ideal of the two of us with clean, ironed clothes, neatly done hair, carefully gathering up all our stuff and leaving with 20 minutes to spare to get her to school and me to work fully prepared. That isn't going to happen.
I gave up and drastically lowered my standards. I feel 200% better. My boyfriend and I just amicably broke up over my chronic disorganization and his attempts to 'train' me to do better, but he doesn't have ADD and will never understand. It doesn't mean that my daughter and I can't make improvements... we can. In fact, in a weird way, accepting our weaknesses frees me to change them in a way that fighting them NEVER does. It seems contradictory but I've seen this effect in my own life many times.
My daughter and I are OK the way we are, too: with our tangly hair and her toys strewn from one end of the house to the other, ten of my paperbacks at the edge of the bathtub in danger of getting wet, a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, driving around with almost no gas in the car, without my wallet, because I forgot it. That's our life.
After her dad moved in with his girlfriend just under 2 years ago, it took about a year to settle down... to the extent that life is ever going to settle down until she's grown. Since then, my household got less chaotic and her dad's has become more so. But definitely, my daughter and I are now at a point where we're happiest and most productive at home when we're together. Good luck and hang in there!
It doesn't help to hold up some ideal of the two of us with clean, ironed clothes, neatly done hair, carefully gathering up all our stuff and leaving with 20 minutes to spare to get her to school and me to work fully prepared. That isn't going to happen.
I gave up and drastically lowered my standards. I feel 200% better. My boyfriend and I just amicably broke up over my chronic disorganization and his attempts to 'train' me to do better, but he doesn't have ADD and will never understand. It doesn't mean that my daughter and I can't make improvements... we can. In fact, in a weird way, accepting our weaknesses frees me to change them in a way that fighting them NEVER does. It seems contradictory but I've seen this effect in my own life many times.
My daughter and I are OK the way we are, too: with our tangly hair and her toys strewn from one end of the house to the other, ten of my paperbacks at the edge of the bathtub in danger of getting wet, a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, driving around with almost no gas in the car, without my wallet, because I forgot it. That's our life.
After her dad moved in with his girlfriend just under 2 years ago, it took about a year to settle down... to the extent that life is ever going to settle down until she's grown. Since then, my household got less chaotic and her dad's has become more so. But definitely, my daughter and I are now at a point where we're happiest and most productive at home when we're together. Good luck and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I have 3 teenage boys in the house, I have no choice but lower my standards a little, as long as the living room is tidy and the house is clean I've learned to be happy with it.
The lads all have their own responsibilities, and my own two always have had, even when they were little they knew to put dirty washing in the hamper to help mum. Little responsibilities make them feel valued and like they're contributing to the household.
My nephew never did a thing for his mum and dad, it was all done for him because it had to be done exactly how his mum wanted it done - to perfection.
I get the impression my lads are older than your children, but especially now the nights are drawing in and it's dark early I encourage them to stay for after school sports, floodlit and supervised and burns off some of their stress and energy from the day.
I work full time too, there's no easy fix for being worn out, stressed and having to entertain the kids alone. Are there any local clubs they could go to for an hour sometimes? Cubs, scouts or something? half an hour alone in the bath is amazing sometimes, my friends without kids just don't appreciate their baths enough!
The lads all have their own responsibilities, and my own two always have had, even when they were little they knew to put dirty washing in the hamper to help mum. Little responsibilities make them feel valued and like they're contributing to the household.
My nephew never did a thing for his mum and dad, it was all done for him because it had to be done exactly how his mum wanted it done - to perfection.
I get the impression my lads are older than your children, but especially now the nights are drawing in and it's dark early I encourage them to stay for after school sports, floodlit and supervised and burns off some of their stress and energy from the day.
I work full time too, there's no easy fix for being worn out, stressed and having to entertain the kids alone. Are there any local clubs they could go to for an hour sometimes? Cubs, scouts or something? half an hour alone in the bath is amazing sometimes, my friends without kids just don't appreciate their baths enough!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Bucyn
I don't know if any of those ideas will work for you and your ex. For us, frequent short visits benefited everyone.
If he does move away, that just might be the end of him seeing much of them, though.
If he does move away, that just might be the end of him seeing much of them, though.
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal
45 minutes and directions to find his feet? Oh, I know that well. My daughter and I are both off the map ADD (fortunately we're more inattentive than hyper). I hate it, but what has helped me most is just the acceptance that this is who we are. ............... But definitely, my daughter and I are now at a point where we're happiest and most productive at home when we're together. Good luck and hang in there!
As an aside I think my ah is over the top ADD. He refuses to hear it. I tried to discuss it long ago when my son was first diagnosed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by LucyA
I get the impression my lads are older than your children, but especially now the nights are drawing in and it's dark early I encourage them to stay for after school sports, floodlit and supervised and burns off some of their stress and energy from the day.
As soon as we move I'm definitely looking to get the 8yo in something. He is very bright, has more then enough energy, and gets bored very easily. It is a very small town so not sure what is available but we'll take it!! The 10yo is so introverted and has LD's so he's worn out and not really up for going out at night. He's not into sports. He hates that he can't come home right after school. I plan to get involved in things like Church and other community things so we make friends fast and he'll have people to hang out with. The informal, unorganized hanging out is what suits him best. We'll be only 1 mile from a lake which he's very excited about. He loves the outdoor nature stuff and likes to fish.
I'm having a hard time imagining life with 4 teen boys and just me. A bit daunting and I think I may need a second refrigerator, lol.
I'm glad for the posts. They give me hope!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
My father is ADD, and while he doesn't deny it, he won't quite admit it either. He's over 60, and still shows all the classic symptoms. For some of us it does not get better.
Imagine that your life is huge spreadsheet of interrelated tasks that you have to get done. If you're normal, you can step back and look at the whole spreadsheet; you can immediately see how changing or missing a step on page 1 will affect a whole bunch of things several steps down, or on the next page. You get used to making adjustments to your spreadsheet as you go along, until all those little corrections become automatic and unconscious.
If you have ADD, you can look at and think about 3 consecutive steps at a time, max. That's it. You can't visualize the big picture-- when you look at it you see a big confusing mess that makes no intuitive sense. You can look at 3 different steps somewhere else, but you won't be able to understand how they connect to the original steps without thinking very hard about it, and in the meantime you've forgotten what steps you were looking at to begin with. It is extremely frustrating. At a certain level of complexity I (and my daughter too) just balk and dig my heels in because I can't deal with it anymore.
I've taken stimulants-- they make the world come into focus for me. When I first took them in my early 30's I couldn't believe how much easier it was to manage life, snap, just like that, no additional effort; everything was just... clear and easy. At that point I cried with relief often, and stopped hating myself for being such a screwup all my life. I resolved never ever again to listen to anyone tell me that I could do so much better if I would only try.
I also stopped assuming I ever knew enough about someone else's subjective experience to judge their actions. It profoundly affected how I deal with my alcoholic former husband to this day-- I stopped treating him as if he were stupid. When he says something is not obvious to him I believe him, even though the things he misses are usually "well, duh!" kinds of truths to me. No doubt the reverse applies too... I bet he knows where his car keys are, which is more than I can say for myself.
Imagine that your life is huge spreadsheet of interrelated tasks that you have to get done. If you're normal, you can step back and look at the whole spreadsheet; you can immediately see how changing or missing a step on page 1 will affect a whole bunch of things several steps down, or on the next page. You get used to making adjustments to your spreadsheet as you go along, until all those little corrections become automatic and unconscious.
If you have ADD, you can look at and think about 3 consecutive steps at a time, max. That's it. You can't visualize the big picture-- when you look at it you see a big confusing mess that makes no intuitive sense. You can look at 3 different steps somewhere else, but you won't be able to understand how they connect to the original steps without thinking very hard about it, and in the meantime you've forgotten what steps you were looking at to begin with. It is extremely frustrating. At a certain level of complexity I (and my daughter too) just balk and dig my heels in because I can't deal with it anymore.
I've taken stimulants-- they make the world come into focus for me. When I first took them in my early 30's I couldn't believe how much easier it was to manage life, snap, just like that, no additional effort; everything was just... clear and easy. At that point I cried with relief often, and stopped hating myself for being such a screwup all my life. I resolved never ever again to listen to anyone tell me that I could do so much better if I would only try.
I also stopped assuming I ever knew enough about someone else's subjective experience to judge their actions. It profoundly affected how I deal with my alcoholic former husband to this day-- I stopped treating him as if he were stupid. When he says something is not obvious to him I believe him, even though the things he misses are usually "well, duh!" kinds of truths to me. No doubt the reverse applies too... I bet he knows where his car keys are, which is more than I can say for myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
That was a good way to explain it. I usually take a look in his room and figure his mind must be in a similar state. I try very hard to never make him feel like he isn't trying etc. That would just crush me if I made him feel like a screw up. He does take a med that works well for him. He takes it for school only so it doesn't make a difference in our home life but it sure has made school better for him, even though he has other LD's too.
I also don't trash talk my ah for losing his wallet and all the stuff in it - again. Or his glasses - again. I can't set a thimble down in the garage. I might have harped on that one a bit, mostly when I'm scraping ice off the windows
I also don't trash talk my ah for losing his wallet and all the stuff in it - again. Or his glasses - again. I can't set a thimble down in the garage. I might have harped on that one a bit, mostly when I'm scraping ice off the windows
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
