Great. Now what do I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Osakis, MN
Posts: 12
Great. Now what do I do?
I recently wrote that I was having a peaceful holiday season for the first time in years because my brother, a chronic alcoholic, had told me he wanted me to stay out of his life. It was such a relief to feel absolved of the obligation to be involved in his chaotic, hopeless life. Over the weekend, however, he emailed me, my mother and sister to express the inevitable remorse over his recent behavior.
Now, since he's reached out to us, I feel I have to respond and renew my support for him in his struggle. The trouble is, although I do love and support him, I just don't want to deal with his stuff any more. And I don't want my 83-year-old mother to have to deal, either. And frankly, although I believe my brother is sincere at the time he makes these apologies and promises, his actions never back up his words.
I was so in hopes that we wouldn't hear from him before the holidays. But now we have. My question is, how do I respond?
Now, since he's reached out to us, I feel I have to respond and renew my support for him in his struggle. The trouble is, although I do love and support him, I just don't want to deal with his stuff any more. And I don't want my 83-year-old mother to have to deal, either. And frankly, although I believe my brother is sincere at the time he makes these apologies and promises, his actions never back up his words.
I was so in hopes that we wouldn't hear from him before the holidays. But now we have. My question is, how do I respond?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Do you really have to? Hasn't it all been said before? You don't HAVE to have him over for Christmas. Its OK to not want to get entangled in his chaos. You have needs too and you have to look after you. You are allowed to say enough is enough. It doesn't make you a bad person!
Maybe respond and offer support but at a distance? Or you could wait till his actions match his words.
Maybe respond and offer support but at a distance? Or you could wait till his actions match his words.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You don't have to respond.
After my folks told me NO MORE they stuck by their No Contact. It was only after I had been in recovery for a few months, that I called and left a message on their answering machine, even giving them phone numbers of my sponsor and the House Mother of the Recovery House I had been in so they could 'verify' that in fact I was in recovery.
Before then they did not respond to messages left on their machine or letters sent (this was way before the internet, rofl).
So you don't have to respond. It is your choice. 1) Get 'sucked' back into all the 'drama and chaos', or 2) sit back, say nothing and wait until his actions match his words.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
After my folks told me NO MORE they stuck by their No Contact. It was only after I had been in recovery for a few months, that I called and left a message on their answering machine, even giving them phone numbers of my sponsor and the House Mother of the Recovery House I had been in so they could 'verify' that in fact I was in recovery.
Before then they did not respond to messages left on their machine or letters sent (this was way before the internet, rofl).
So you don't have to respond. It is your choice. 1) Get 'sucked' back into all the 'drama and chaos', or 2) sit back, say nothing and wait until his actions match his words.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
You can't control your mom or your brother but it is perfectly OK to control yourself!!
Hang on to that feeling of relief you had. You were not put on this earth to entertain toxic people at the holidays, whether you share DNA or not.
Sadlittlesis-- respect your gut feelings! Maybe a simple "thanks for the apology, I appreciate it. I struggle with how to handle this stuff and I am going through a difficult time right now so I am sticking to my holiday plans as they are...perhaps we can see each other in the New Year...." Send him love and then wait and see what the New Year brings...more will be revealed....if his behavior is acceptable and non-toxic to you maybe you can see each other for a New Year's cup of java!
The first time is the hardest. The first few times of saying "No," to my brothers were some of the hardest moments of my life - just sheer terror and sweat!! UGH, such a testimony to the far-reaching effects of addiction. But it got easier and clearer and each time it removed me from their grip - until I felt free and absolutely unashamed to be myself and live my life the way I want to live it - with people whom I choose to keep close and people whom I choose to keep at arm's length. I have every right!! And life is beautiful when I am true to myself.
Have you tried AlAnon yet? It was the biggest factor in turning my head around.
peace-
b
Hang on to that feeling of relief you had. You were not put on this earth to entertain toxic people at the holidays, whether you share DNA or not.
Sadlittlesis-- respect your gut feelings! Maybe a simple "thanks for the apology, I appreciate it. I struggle with how to handle this stuff and I am going through a difficult time right now so I am sticking to my holiday plans as they are...perhaps we can see each other in the New Year...." Send him love and then wait and see what the New Year brings...more will be revealed....if his behavior is acceptable and non-toxic to you maybe you can see each other for a New Year's cup of java!
The first time is the hardest. The first few times of saying "No," to my brothers were some of the hardest moments of my life - just sheer terror and sweat!! UGH, such a testimony to the far-reaching effects of addiction. But it got easier and clearer and each time it removed me from their grip - until I felt free and absolutely unashamed to be myself and live my life the way I want to live it - with people whom I choose to keep close and people whom I choose to keep at arm's length. I have every right!! And life is beautiful when I am true to myself.
Have you tried AlAnon yet? It was the biggest factor in turning my head around.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Laurie, I really liked this:
So you don't have to respond. It is your choice. 1) Get 'sucked' back into all the 'drama and chaos', or 2) sit back, say nothing and wait until his actions match his words.
My husband has been in rehab for 3 months, coming out next week and headed to a sober house. I am really focusing on sitting back and waiting until his actions match his words. It is the only logical, healthy thing to do. Thanks for the reminder!
So you don't have to respond. It is your choice. 1) Get 'sucked' back into all the 'drama and chaos', or 2) sit back, say nothing and wait until his actions match his words.
My husband has been in rehab for 3 months, coming out next week and headed to a sober house. I am really focusing on sitting back and waiting until his actions match his words. It is the only logical, healthy thing to do. Thanks for the reminder!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
Do you really have to? Hasn't it all been said before? You don't HAVE to have him over for Christmas. Its OK to not want to get entangled in his chaos. You have needs too and you have to look after you. You are allowed to say enough is enough. It doesn't make you a bad person!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Osakis, MN
Posts: 12
Thanks for the supportive responses. I haven't answered the email, but my mother plans to email him and invite him to join the family for the holiday. He won't come - he never does - but it will make her feel better to ask him. I plan to just stay the course, focusing on my own health and happiness and letting my brother work through his own problems.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Don't respond.
Don't give him control over your life and serenity by responding to his game. Not responding will be good for both of you. He is not going to get better as long as he can manipulate you and the rest of his family. He has got to hit bottom before he will change and as long as you guys are participating in his game, he will never change.
The best thing that you can do for him is ignore him. Try it for a few days and you will experience a tranquility that you have never before known.
Don't give him control over your life and serenity by responding to his game. Not responding will be good for both of you. He is not going to get better as long as he can manipulate you and the rest of his family. He has got to hit bottom before he will change and as long as you guys are participating in his game, he will never change.
The best thing that you can do for him is ignore him. Try it for a few days and you will experience a tranquility that you have never before known.
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