Ives

Thank you. I love her so much.

bugsworth

Ives...I realize that you are hurting but I still don't understand why it is that you choose to get this obviously troubled woman pregnant. You have known her for 18 years...long enough to know that she is not a good parent to her first child. The problem as I see it is that you are paying the consequences for both of your actions.

LucyA

Maybe he didn't actively choose to, maybe it's just one of those things, it happens, isn't the important thing the fact that he is facing up to the consequences and taking responsibility for the child?

bugsworth

Of course he actively chose to...getting pregnant isn't something that just happens. It seems to me that there are two sides to every story and we are only getting one side.

nodaybut2day

Obviously we're only getting one side, unless Ives' XAGF were to come here to defend herself. As for the pregnancy, well, it may have been a mistake, overtly intentional or not, but what's done is done. Now there's a little baby to think of. I'm just glad Ives found SR so he can get some support through what promises to be a long and difficult ordeal.

LucyA

The truth is, on this forum we only ever get one side, usually the side that's looking for help and support. That was me once, looking for support because I was concerned about a child with an alcoholic parent.
I'm not here to judge, or ask why people do things they regret later on, I'm here to offer whatever support I can.
To me it doesn't matter how or why the child is on it's way, what matters is breaking the cycle and making sure the child is healthy and cared for in a healthy environment.

55438

Ives,

I have read so many kind posts offering support for you and your xgf. This may sound really mean but you and your xgf can figure out your futures later. FAS is real and permanent. Protect that baby now!

Here are two statistics for you - 75% of boys with FAS end up institutionalized by their 14th birthday
- 60% of 14 year old girls with FAS are sexually active with strangers for attention, money, drugs, or because it feels good. Many become pregnant.

My son's social worker says that FAS girls get knocked up and FAS boys get locked up.

I love the idea of writing to your baby now to remind yourself of why you are putting yourself through such a painful experience. It may be awful now but it will be worth it.

Sorry if I am coming off as uncaring, I am not. This touches my heart deeply, no child should have to go through what my son goes through everyday and will for the rest of his life.

55438

bugsworth

I too am glad that Ives found SR but that does not negate his participation in the conception of this child. The relationship was not a one night stand that resulted in a child. Clearly Ives was aware of this woman's issues long before it came to this.
I have a sister who has FAS...clearly my natural mother bears the largest burden of guilt but my natural father (also an alcoholic before his death) bears responsibility for the conception of the child.

Ives

Well, I have some disturbing news. I spoke with her parents. She has successfully convinced her mother that nothing is afoot. They have their doubts of course, so it looks like this stuff is far from over. She has successfully turned it around, and has made me look like the bad person, and I think the mother totally believes her.

I'm at a loss at this point. I know what I've seen her doing. But then she probably hasn't done it in a couple days and readied herself for this. Frankly, I'm at a loss.

I asked her father if he thought she was an alcoholic, and he said, yes.

My head is spinning.

But he did say to keep an open line of communication.

nodaybut2day

Ives, this was to be expected. You knew she was a master manipulator, and you now know she's deep in her disease, so it only stands to reason that she can manipulate those around her to protect her addiction. You know that *you* are not powerful enough to make her stop drinking; why would her parents have that power? They don't.

Don't let what she says or what she does derail you. Her drinking (and drugging) are a problem for YOU, and for your child. That's all that matters.

Keep on trucking. You're doing this for the sake of your child.

You still have a lawyer to talk to. This will yield some answers and perhaps more questions.

What about CPS? What about her GP?

Crazy4Him

I think he gets it. You don't understand him getting this deeply troubled woman pregnant out of wedlock. Your opinion is not a crime, but the fact that you keep hammering it home in here repeatedly seems a little unnecessary. What's done is done, there's not much the man can do about it now and I'm sure what he really needs right now is support.

If it's really that pressing, I'm sure you can find the answer to your question from the hundreds of female posters on this board who have also gotten pregnant by men who they knew were alcoholics, some out of wedlock.

Ives I'm very sorry this is happening and I hope you and your unborn child can find the help you need. I wish I had better advice for you but there are some very wise words in this post. Good luck.

bookwyrm

This whole thread really disturbs me. In the interest of opening up a discussion, I'm going out on a limb and say what I'm concerned about here.

Posters are encouraging Ives to try and control his AGF. I thought this was a big 'no-no'? Back to the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. She is pregnant. However might you might not like it, it is her body. She is an adult who will have to live with the consequences of her actions. I may be completely wrong about the situation but I see Ives as trying to control her, using her foetus as a weapon. And this worries me a lot. I admit that it may be that I am overly sensitive to this because of my own background. But it still worries me.

Ives, instead of trying to manipulate her why don't you start focusing on you. Why did you let yourself get into this situation? What steps let you to this? You want to 'save' the unborn child but how much of a say do you actually have? You've done all you can. Talk to a lawyer about what you can do one the baby is born. What will be your rights? It isn't just your baby here.

bugsworth

Ives...I am curious what was her drinking habits like before you got her pregnant?

Ives

Believe me, her parents are deeply suspicious at this point. They know her past better than anyone.

Her father told me hat when his wife came home, she was convinced everything was okay, but then when he told her what I had told him, she was then questioning herself.

I don't know. I just don't know. All I can do at this point is speak to my lawyer.

I'll say this - she is uncanny. Very, very uncanny at convincing people of stuff. I'm almost impressed, if it all weren't so malevolent. Now all I can do is let it drop and watch and wait.

Ives

4 or 5 days a week, but she had been cutting it down probably to weekends. But then, when you have no money, you can't drink.

bugsworth

Crazy...you are right...I don't understand. Does he bear no responsibility for his actions?? She was good enough to sleep with...to get pregnant and NOW he wants things to be different?

Ives

I'm a codependant type personality. I really believe she sincerely wants to change and her family are such good people. As for getting her pregnant, mistake happen right? I wasn't cautious one night. That's all I can really say.

Ives

Well, she convinced me she didn't have an alcohol problem. She said it was coke. I mean, she didn't seem much worse of a drinker than I was. It only became a problem for us when it was time to cut it out altogether. Meanwhile, I was worried about her relapsing on coke the whole time.....but man, nobody quits coke as easily as she did. It was a smokescreen, and her father agreed.

And she was even doing really well early on in the pregnancy, I guess due to morning sickness, and now...she's gotten worse.

nodaybut2day

Bookwyrm, I think I see your point, and it has crossed my mind more than once. If XAGF wasn't preggers, then it would be "easier" for Ives to walk away and shut her out of his life. There is another life to consider though: the unborn baby. Because she's still in the womb, it's difficult to dissociate her from the mother. It may be the mother's choice to mistreat her body through alcohol consumption, but her choice is affecting the health of her baby, whom Ives wishes to protect. Ugh. It's a very tricky situation, both emotionally and legally.

The only recourse Ives has is to express his concerns to those who may have some kind of authority in this situation, but after, I do agree that there is letting go to be done.

LucyA

This is my last post on here, whilst I almost agree with bookwyrm about control, there is a child here who has no voice, didn't ask to be concieved and from what we are being told is being damaged before she has a chance by drugs and alcohol. What I see is a guy wanting to do the best by his daughter, mistake, ill timed, unplanned whatever, his daughter all the same and from what I've read he wants to give her a fighting chance.