Disowning my son
 

In my heart of hearts, I love my son. Rather I should say I love the little child I gave birth to, and the little boy I raised. He was a wonderful little boy. Happy, smart, loving. Then at about 14, he seemed to transform into someone else. It was the wrong crowd influencing him, an alcoholic father at home that was always angry and critical. He began using drugs, truant from school, and then being gone for weeks at a time. I had no control over him. I sought help from counselors, his doctor, our clergy. Meanwhile, his father and I separated... due to the drinking and total lack of his ability to be a partner or a parent. My son never did turn around, and has hated me for being so firm with him - hated any help I had to offer.

Fast forward 10 years - we reconnected a few years back. Things seemed to be better between us. He was maturing and I thought he was going to make it.
I was wrong. In the last 2 years his life has begun to again spin out of control. He's an alcoholic like his father. He's had several OWIs. Problems with the law, disorderly conduct charges, rebellion all over again. He's never pursued further education - although he was bright in school. He's instead found an easy way to make money. Dealing. And using. He does weed. And I don't know what else. He is scary. He has a handgun, and brags about it.

He has turned out to be everything a parent would NOT want their child to grow up to be. Vile, no morals, no work ethic, no respect for anyone himself included. His language is filthy.

I am ashamed of him. I can't tolerate being in his company, every other word is the "f" word. He's angry with everyone. It's always someone else's fault when things don't go his way.

We had a few unpleasant encounters this summer. I expressed my dismay about his life direction, and encouraged him to get some help. I didn't lecture, just point blank said "you need to get some help, you are ruining your future." Then I let it go at that.

He came to my home a few times this summer. Intoxicated. Wanting to ride on the 4-wheeler, he was too drunk to stand, let alone operate a machine. I told him NO, took the keys. He called the police and wanted to charge me with withholding his property. Instead he got arrested for disorderly conduct.
Of course, it is ALL my fault he says. (I know I did the right thing).

This weekend was his birthday. I'd sent him a card earlier in the week. Just a mother to son card, with a simple "I hope you have a great birthday". Last night I had a message on my phone that said "Thanks for the "f"ing birthday or Christmas card... or whatever the "F" it was." Today he called and left another angry message "Thanks for calling me on my "F"ing birthday." (I hadn't called).

I've pretty much decided I don't want to be involved in his life, and I don't want him in mine - under the current circumstances. I just can't bear it. It's very sad, but I am so ashamed of him - and I don't like who he is as a person. My son or not. I don't like him. Honestly, I don't think I even love him. Just love the memory of who he was as a child.

It's a tough realization. A tough stand to take. But having him in my life is poisonous. This decision was difficult to make, and painful. But I know it is right. I grieve about it, but I am not going to let him ruin my peace. I took a stand with his father, we are now divorced. I'm very happy with that decision as well.

Aside from not answering his calls, I don't know what to say to him that I haven't already said. I've preached to the choir God knows! He's not listening.

A side point, I know much of his behavior is due to the effect his father had on our family. And, much of it is due to his own choices now as an adult. He is a prime example of the far reaching effects of addiction, and how it impacts the family. This is permanent damage. That is the saddest realization for me.

Thank you for sharing your story.

You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you.

I wish we were closer so I could deliver this hug in person (((hug)))

How horribly sad for you, I'm so sorry (((hugs)))

huggles im sorry for your pain

I am so sorry for your pain and for the tough decision you have to make. You know it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Hugs and prayers to you!

*prayers for peace of mind*

There comes a time when around alcoholics
that the decision has to be made

"it's either them or me"

And we who chose to disengage ourselves
for reasons of self preservation
get the additional pain
of being judged
maligned, shunned and criticized
by those who seem to believe
that because someone is a family member
we are supposed to destroy ourselves
even though it does nothing to help or stop that person.

I will always support anyone
who has to disengage from an addictive personality
to self-preserve.

Because it was the hardest lesson I have had as yet to learn.

That I do have the right
to continue living.
That it is okay for me
to move on.
And that I am not a bad person
because my son is a criminal.

my hope for you is
that you learn this
easier than I had to.

Thank you for posting, isurvived. One of the things I have tried to come to terms with early in this process (I have an addicted soon also) is that some day I may very likely have to disengage as you are now. I hope that day doesn't come, but no good can come from being dragged down with them. I love the saying, "Let go or be dragged." I know you are hurting, but he's in God's hands now and you have a life to live. I do hope you can find some peace and real happiness after all you have been through. (((((Hugs)))))

The most amazing thing I ever saw in Al-anon were the parents who lived full happy and serene lives with addicted children. Many hadn't seen them in years, had no idea where they were. They had truly learned to let go and let God.

It isn't him it's the disease. Love the man hate the disease..Detach with love..You have to let go or be dragged, or you end up crazier than they are. It is sad and hard. Go to lots of meetings. I went to lots of meetings over the summer and it didn't hurt me! I have accepted my XAH may drink and drug himself to death. He is a grown man I have to let him help himself. He has the same higher power. I am powerless over this damn disease. No contact is best for me. I have learned not to react to what he does,not be hooked by his tears,guilt, or manipulations. You are not alone.

*thanks carol*

I know your grief...as another mom
Thankfully, you know that you do not have to take any abuse from your son.

My son eventually came around and got treatment right -after his third attempt.
Be patient, maybe your son will choose to change one day.
In the meantime, detachment is often our best way to stay healthy ourselves while we
work our own al-anon program.

The OP made me cry. I have a related situation with my older daughter, who has broken my heart and is truly poisoning my younger daughter, the love of my life, who has left home to go with the father she hates.

My life has spun out of control at this point. I have no support system, no relatives, and I am physically addicted to oxycodone, prescribed to me for a spinal tumor.

The saddest music in the world.