Am I Jumping Ship Too Soon?
 

We were together for 6 months. He relapsed once a month ago (that was the last time I saw him). We kept talking on the phone, he kept saying it was no big deal, I didn't need to worry, it wouldn't happen again. Then he relapsed again, one week ago. Remember Bacon Boy? And now he's pleading with me to not leave him. "Don't give up on me."

He was sober for almost two years. Is it possible, he just made a "mistake" and he won't drink again? Am I jumping ship too soon? He sounds so sure of himself. He says if he only knew how severe the consequences were (me leaving him), he wouldn't have done it. After the first "mistake" I told him I would leave if he did it again. Now after the second "mistake", he says he really didn't know that I would really leave him.

I really want to believe him, that he won't drink again. But I don't. I feel so sad that he chose to drink because I can't get over it. I don't feel safe with him anymore (meaning safe that he won't drink again). He's so sad. He doesn't want me to leave him. He loves me. He's crying. I'm crying. But how can I stay? I don't believe him anymore.

After reading so many stories on here, I know that I have to stick to my decision and get out of this situation. I wish it were true, what he's saying - that he'll never drink again, that he'll never lie to me again. But if he did it before, why wouldn't he again?

I guess I just need to keep talking in this forum. It makes me feel better.

I can't even feel angry at him. Just so sad that he the made choices he did. I really wanted us to work. I love him.

How does it make you feel to know that he did not take you serious when you told him you would leave him if he drank again?

I know how I felt when my AH didn't believe what I would say: disrespected.

He says if he only knew how severe the consequences were (me leaving him), he wouldn't have done it.

That's manipulation and blame shifting. It's your fault for stating a boundary that he thought was flexible and could be trampled? No! You stated a boundary (no more drinking) and he (an adult) chose to trample your boundary. How is that your fault?

"Don't give up on me." It wasn't up to you to give him sobriety. The only person that can give up on his sobriety is himself. He is in control of his recovery.

My ex is sober now. I wish my ex success in his recovery. I keep my distance and am currently keeping "no contact". I am not his sponsor and have told him that I can't be his support system. I am working on my own recovery.

Maybe in the future, you can rekindle your relationship. You both will have had time to work on your own lives and who knows.....

Pelican, you are so great. Thank you for what you wrote. It HELPS! That's exactly it. I felt so disrespected that he didn't believe me. I feel like he thinks I'm such a wimp that he can do anything and I'll take him back. I think, since he knows how much I love him, I'll suffer anything for him. I felt so sad that he would risk our relationship so he could drink. It's so hurtful.

"It's not up to you to give him sobriety." Thank you for that. It's such a huge weight to feel like I'm responsible somehow. That I can help with his sobriety.

I dont have any words of wisdom, but saying a prayer for you to make the right choice.

Thank you Deb.

All you can do is take care of yourself and work your own program

I don't have a program yet. I found a CoDa meeting that's on Wednesday evenings. I'm going to try to go this week. I've never been to an Al Anon or CoDa meeting. I read a thread last week that talked about the differences. The Coda meeting sound like they're more geared toward the individual and not the individual's response to their alcoholic.

Been there!
 

I cannot say what's right for you, but in my experience......I left my boyfriend.
Upon leaving he started seeing a therapist, and cut back his drinking A LOT, told me he was making positive changes in his life and that he felt great!
I was so happy, and so impressed that he was doing it! Finally doing it!
I agreed to try and work things out between us.

From June (when we started trying to work it out) until now, the relationship is on the decline beause the drinking has resumed and has increased steadily.
Now he's back to drinking alot everyday, and we're fighting everyday....and we dont even live together!! He fails to see the direct link of no booze=happy relationship and lots of booze=destructive relationship. (for us)

I read somewhere that the "highest good you do for yourself is the highest good you can do for another"....and in this case what that means is that because you stick to your boundary (self-respect) he will learn the valuable lesson that this consequence provides. That's a win-win deal although it sure doesn't feel like it right now, I'm sure. I think those are called growing pains.

((((Hugs))))

I just read your other post Elsie. I'm sorry things aren't working out. It's so sad! Why do they have to do that? How long were you separated from him? How long after you got back together did things go well? Was he going to AA?

I think it's so true. I don't want to be the one who loses, so someone else can win. But, I feel like if he loses me over drinking, he'll learn a valuable lesson. He'll remember it if he stays sober. He'll remember it when he's in a new relationship. He'll remember it before he makes the same "mistake".

I don't want to be the one who teaches the lesson though. I wish he would have learned it from someone else (that makes me a bad person, I know).

KP,

It's time for some positive affirmations. Try this today:

Upon waking, give thanks for another day.

Give yourself a hug (really! wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze)

Look yourself in the mirror and say: "I love you (KP) and accept you exactly as you are"

When self doubt and self flogging show up in your head today, change your thoughts by repeating "I approve of me" as often as necessary.

If you are like me, you have spent too much time judging yourself harshly. Learn to be more gentle and loving with yourself. You're worth the effort!

He'll make you the bad guy, no matter what. It's what they do and you can't control how he'll vilify you or how he'll react.

I also didn't want to be the Bad Guy, the one who left, who didn't give it "one last try" after a *mere* 5 years...but, there wasn't any helping it. I eventually figured out that I wasn't "the evil one who left", but rather "the smart one who saved her hide".

Love it!!!

Thanks you guys. I had a pretty rough night. He called and I told him again that I couldn't be with him. I let him know that I would be deleting him off my fb account because I needed to distance myself from him and that I was canceling our cabin rental (vacation I was going to take him on).

Over the course of hours of on again off again phone conversations with him trying to convince me he'd never drink again, I noticed his attitude was changing. He started leaving very angry voicemails on my phone. He changed his FB to single, interested in Women, looking for women, etc. He then made a mean post about me on my best friend's fb wall. Just really crazy behavior for him. So I realized he was drinking. I don't know why I was so surprised, but I was.

I had planned to deposit money into his account today because I know he's broke for another two weeks. But now that I know he's drinking, I can't. He continued to call and email and text until around 3:30 in the morning.

I'm so sad that he's choosing to drink again that I can't even be mad at him for all the hurtful things he said.

Anyway, the answer to my own question is, "No, I'm not jumping ship too soon; I'm jumping ship right on time."

I am not going to pick up the phone when he calls again. I'm not going to respond to any of his emails or texts.

Thanks for listening and for all the support.

Bravo. You're absolutely right.

KP - this is a very difficult time. He will very likely try every trick in the book to get a response -- ANY kind of response -- from you. This is how they suck you back in. And if there was ever a time to go and stay NO CONTACT this is it. For your own sanity even more than for any other reason. Just do yourself a big favor and find some other way to occupy your time over these next few days. (((((HUGS))))))

KP - I only wish I would have left at 6 months. It would have saved me a lot of pain, stress, and got me to the much happier place I am now faster. NC was essential for me to be able to stay away. The draw to go back was so powerful whether because of her manipualtion or something inside of me or both. Have you read the book "getting past your relationship" by Susan Elliott? I got a lot out of it. Also she has a site www.GPYP online with some good short writtings that really seemed to apply to what I/we went/are going thru. Hang tough.

It's so hard! I just want to drive over there, pick him up, bring him back here and keep him from drinking. He was sober for so long. I don't understand why he's doing this. He said the most ugly hurtful things last night. I didn't deposit the money into his account. I haven't heard from him at all. He knows that I didn't believe him and that I know he was drunk. He's probably sober for now and thinking about it. I'm so glad he doesn't have any money right now.

Thanks for the wise words TJP. I feel so on the verge of caving. I think I'll clean up my place and take a bubble bath or something. Try to get to sleep early. Day one, almost over.

I totally agree with tjp! Do yourself another favor...block his calls and block his text messages. You will be tempted to talk with him and listen to his sad stories. These are all aimed at getting you back and then crapping on you again with his disease. If you don't know he's calling...you won't be tempted to answer. Take back your power!