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Am I Jumping Ship Too Soon?

Old 12-14-2009, 05:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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YOU CAN NOT KEEP HIM FROM DRINKING! No matter what you say...no matter what you do. This is on him. Shut off your phone, go take a bubble bath, paint your toe nails, and snuggle up with a book or a good movie. You deserve better...don't let him drag you down to the gutter with him!
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Old 12-14-2009, 06:38 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
I think it's so true. I don't want to be the one who loses, so someone else can win. But, I feel like if he loses me over drinking, he'll learn a valuable lesson. He'll remember it if he stays sober. He'll remember it when he's in a new relationship. He'll remember it before he makes the same "mistake".

I don't want to be the one who teaches the lesson though. I wish he would have learned it from someone else (that makes me a bad person, I know).
Hi KeepPedaling, this quote struck me, because I learned a valuable lesson myself in my own recovery through Al Anon not too long ago. I felt that all of my actions and reactions towards my RAH were 'teaching him a lesson'. After a drinking episode I'd fume and scream and give silent treatment, because if I went about my life he would think everything was ok, when it wasn't. Really I imprisoned myself because I couldn't live my life the way I wanted because I had to help him. And now I've realized - and I've mentioned this in another post, while I was 'teaching' him through being miserable, he was probably thinking pizza, or something completely different. I'm sure he wasn't getting it. It's like putting on a show but the audience isn't watching! What the lesson truly is, is that I'm not put on this earth to teach anyone anything and I had quite the ego to think that what I was doing was 'forcing' some sort of lesson. Who am I to teach that? My marriage was failing. Was I really qualified? Did it have any positive effect? Not really!

If somebody takes something positive from the way I live my life, what a good feeling. But that's different. He may or may not learn something from you leaving. But that shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be that you've left because YOU needed to in order to be healthy. Although you can hope he finds sobriety, it's not your burden to bear either way. And they will try to make us bear it, because they can't (that's why they drink!) And if we keep taking it, then they don't have to. It's such a terrible cycle.

You are doing what's right for you. Keep true to that and it won't steer you wrong.
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Old 12-14-2009, 06:56 PM
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*just a thank you for the thread*

helps me know we're in this together kind of thing.

it was wonderful to watch this unfold,
how the friends at SR were there for you, and
you are one of those who is actually willking to listen
(not particualrly from this forum, but you understand
that there's some who don't want to hear)

anyhow -
this has been a pleasure to watch.
thank you for sharing all your ES&H and time.

this is how it's done.
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Old 12-14-2009, 07:13 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by IPT View Post
KP - I only wish I would have left at 6 months. It would have saved me a lot of pain, stress, and got me to the much happier place I am now faster. NC was essential for me to be able to stay away. The draw to go back was so powerful whether because of her manipualtion or something inside of me or both. Have you read the book "getting past your relationship" by Susan Elliott? I got a lot out of it. Also she has a site www.GPYP online with some good short writtings that really seemed to apply to what I/we went/are going thru. Hang tough.
I haven't read the book, but if you think it will help I will. I'll see if they have an audio book version tonight for my iPhone. I feel like if I showered him with love he would be happy and stop. I'm so upset right now. I've been crying and crying. I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I'm sure that's not helping. It's so sad. When he's sober, he really is the sweetest guy. We had 5 months together sober. I don't understand why he's doing this. It's awful watching him ruin himself. I miss him. I don't who he is now.
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Old 12-14-2009, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by silkspin View Post

You are doing what's right for you. Keep true to that and it won't steer you wrong.
Everything you said makes sense Silk. It's so hard to know WHEN to help and HOW to help. The most difficult part is knowing when to help myself. I feel like I went through so much as a kid (alcoholic dad) that I'm too strong to break anymore. I don't feel strong now though. I know it's time to help myself to get healthy again. It's soooo hard though, to stand by and do nothing for him. I know I have to though. Struggling. I'm struggling.

I'm going to make it though. I hope he does too.
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Old 12-14-2009, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
*just a thank you for the thread*

helps me know we're in this together kind of thing.

it was wonderful to watch this unfold,
how the friends at SR were there for you, and
you are one of those who is actually willking to listen
(not particualrly from this forum, but you understand
that there's some who don't want to hear)

anyhow -
this has been a pleasure to watch.
thank you for sharing all your ES&H and time.

this is how it's done.
Thanks Barb.
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Old 12-15-2009, 12:18 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Well, I failed. I called him crying. I asked him why he was drinking again. He said he didn't know. I said might not make it if he went down that road again. He said, "I know" and started crying. He said he needed to start going to AA every day. I just stayed on the phone for awhile crying and crying.

He said his rent check bounced. I didn't offer any assistance. He said he's depressed. He didn't talk much at all, his voice is really hoarse because he's sick. He sounded terrible. I told him I was scared for him.

I finally got off the phone and fell asleep for awhile. I'll try again tomorrow. I'm going out with a girlfriend tomorrow night, so that should help. I need to get busy.

I can't help him. I have to just focus on me and let him do what he's going to do. I really appreciate all the support I've received here. I've learned so much. I shouldn't have called him. I know that for me, I can't keep doing this to myself. I have to take care of myself because no one else can do that for me.

Tomorrow: Gym, work, dinner date with girlfriend. No contact.
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:44 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Do yourself a favor and get that book. It is about breaking up and how to work thru that (she was also a grief counsouler) but it is a lot more about YOU. About what you can learn from this expereince, why NOT to talk with an ex, and about how to grow, move forward in a new direction than you've ever gone, and create a better life for yourself. Heck, I think it would have benefited me even I was not getting out of relationship. It is just a great tool to help you take a personal inventory and learn aboout yourself and how to create a better life for yourself regarding relationships in general.

NC, you can do it. it gets easier and easier the more days you get under your belt. I promise .
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Old 12-15-2009, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
I haven't read the book, but if you think it will help I will. I'll see if they have an audio book version tonight for my iPhone. I feel like if I showered him with love he would be happy and stop. I'm so upset right now. I've been crying and crying. I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I'm sure that's not helping. It's so sad. When he's sober, he really is the sweetest guy. We had 5 months together sober. I don't understand why he's doing this. It's awful watching him ruin himself. I miss him. I don't who he is now.
know how your fee1ing and just wanted to give u a )))hug((( xxxxxkia
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:34 PM
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Thank you Kia and IPT.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:33 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Anyway, the answer to my own question is, "No, I'm not jumping ship too soon; I'm jumping ship right on time."



I LOVE what you said above!! I struggle with the "Oh this time he will get the help and I can't jump ship too soon" . Hello, what do I consider jumping too soon, I have been trying to get him help for 5 years NOW. I am starting to think I am jumping ship to late. Now if only I could get help with the jumping part. Any suggestions?

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Old 12-16-2009, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
Anyway, the answer to my own question is, "No, I'm not jumping ship too soon; I'm jumping ship right on time."



I LOVE what you said above!! I struggle with the "Oh this time he will get the help and I can't jump ship too soon" . Hello, what do I consider jumping too soon, I have been trying to get him help for 5 years NOW. I am starting to think I am jumping ship to late. Now if only I could get help with the jumping part. Any suggestions?

if u find out 1et me know xxxkia
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:17 PM
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kia Maybe we could jump together. How long have u be standing on the ship??
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:26 PM
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Ok, lets all jump. I'll start a thread called Swimming to Shore. We'll post every day that we stay no contact. Deal? I'm starting the thread now.
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:32 PM
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I am definately in. Mine still lives in our house telling me how he is going to get sober for real this time. Ya right!

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Old 12-16-2009, 02:33 PM
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Jump! The water's warm! Jump!
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:34 PM
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That must be hard to be living with him. You can't leave?
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
kia Maybe we could jump together. How long have u be standing on the ship??
not 1ong months but fee1s much 1onger sometimes a 1ifetime xxxkia
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
I am definately in. Mine still lives in our house telling me how he is going to get sober for real this time. Ya right!

me too sti11 1iving it with him saying yes i wi11 go to docs then oh no i wont then depression its 1ike constant1y revo1ving f1oor but i cant jump off yet i want to but cant we wi11 have to a11 go together xxxxkia
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:05 PM
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Good for you KeepPedalling.

Especially good for you not putting money into his account. You don't owe him YOUR money. He is using his money on alcohol. Your money is YOURS. It took me a looooong time for me to realise that.

They have no respect for money, especially someone elses money!
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