seperated-having doubts
 

I asked my AH to leave about 10 days sago...not so much for his drinking because he has slowed WAY down...but because he is so angry and is very verbally abusive. We have been seperated a few times....the longest of which for 2 weeks. It seems that after about a week....we seem to get a long again - at least for brief amounts of time, and I start to "miss" him. However that never lasts long, nor do the changes in his attitude. So, why is it it has been 10 days and I'm starting to feel that - come back - attitude. I guess I feel guilty mostly - and always hope he has learned his lesson. I'm trying to stick to my - not until our 1st counseling visit....but it is so hard...especially w/ the holidays. Not to mention, I am about 20 weeks pregnant, making it even more complicated. Anyone have any advice....experience w/ similar situation and/or how you felt after being seperated for that long??

You know what the definition of insanity is, right?

I'm going through the same thing. Whenever you think about how much you miss him, maybe just try to remember the reasons why you asked him to leave. Make a list of reasons on an index card. Keep it in your pocket. Read it when you feel like calling him. Hang in there!

Excellent advice KP. Remember why you left, cause it always slips your mind.

mentallyexh, is guilt any way to keep a relationship going, it seems the way to relapse, resentment from both sides. Just my experience.

Its been two months for me. The best thing I could have done, I cant say its easy but having no contact has helped me. The first week was very hard, baby steps, one day, minute, sometimes moment is all I can handle, but it works. Doing things for yourself is a very hard concept at first, I still struggle, but the more nice things I do for myself, the better I feel. Detachment, is the key, still have issues with it. Practice makes perfect. I try not to let guilt guide me, its never worked. Hang in there, it does get better.

On the recommendation of my SR family, I made a note card about what life with my active alcoholic was like. I still carry that note card in my wallet. I've been carrying that card for about 10 months now and this is what it says:

(Insert Name)'s love come with:

Drunkenness
Emotional Instability
Physical Illness
Legal problems
Power Plays
Manipulation
Depression

Mine is,

When I'm with ______, I feel:
Worried about the present
Worried about the future
Alone
Stressed
Financial pressure
Unattractive
Nervous
Drained of energy
Manipulated
On guard

Just to name a few...

I just got back together with mywife. I am in AA and she is going as well. This disease sucks and if he is not going to stop and is abusive, why put yourself or your child through it.

I go through the same doubts, I separated from my husband in August. It has gotten better over time, especially as I have seen the ways in which my life and my children's lives have improved. I keep going back to a quote I see here frequently and it really helps me:

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

My husband is not going to change, therefore if I no longer wish to live with screaming, yelling, holes punched in walls, slammed doors and a house full of anxious children & animals, then I need to make a change. Otherwise, the rest of my life will be exactly like the last 9 years.

Doubts are normal. As other posters have said, write down your list of why you left...If you want, you can add to it a list of "No More"'s that you can now look forward to; I did this, with great joy I might add, when I realized that I was FREE of my husband's verbal and emotional abuse.

This is sort of what mine looked like:
No more walking on eggshells waiting for C to explode for every little thing.
No more listening to him rant and rave about how unfair the world is and how misunderstood he is
No more being yelled at and demeaned
No more listening to him stroke his own ego and talk about how great he is
No more picking up empty beer cans in the kitchen
No more taking said empty beer cans to the grocery store for refund because C has no more money to buy groceries.
No more cleaning up spills because C is shaking
No more listening to my stepson cry because his father drinks
No more pretending I want to have sex with a filthy stinking drunk

And so on and so forth

No more cleaning up mountains of beer cans in the garage
No more worrying about if he will embarrass me when he shows up somewhere that I am
No more worrying about what he will be doing when I get home
No more worrying about him driving around drunk
No more feeling that unbearable cringe in my stomach when he shows up drunk, or calls drunk, or is drunk around other people
No more worrying about how much of my money he has drained
No more worrying he will get fired AGAIN
No more worrying if he will find another job
No more pretending that life is normal and that we can be happy if he would just stop

I read today somewhere on SR that being a code is just a habit. I did the notecard thing and it helped alot. I don't miss the crazies and chaos anymore. I was missing the potential man he could have been....not the real him. Life is suppsed to be enjoyed not tolerated. My therapist said my integrity got me out. My self- esteem had been beaten down so low I didn't see he was bad for me and I grew up with an A father so it looked normal.

Mentallyexh, this is quite probably an effect of abuse known as 'traumatic bonding'; similar in some ways to what psychologists call the stockholm syndrome.

You will find lots of information on traumatic bonding on the web.

Just remember what he has done to you, and why you know in your head why it would not be good for you to go back. Play the tape all the way through.

I left an abusive man myself, my exabf was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I suffered much psychological trauma at his hands. Believe me when I say you can get past this and it does get better.

Have a read of 'Why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft, a brilliant book which has really helped me understand, heal and grow.

Take care
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I think for me the returning over and over again, to my own detriment, was due to my forgetfulness. I know that sounds dumb but I have cycles that last a few weeks at a time. I'd get the sick person out of my life for a couple weeks and get comfortable in my life again, and begin to focus on all my responsibilities and what's going on in my life, and it's not that I'd welcome him back in or anything, he would just come back and it's like I turned my head the other way. So, for me, I have to be vigilant about my awareness and memory. I use big notes by the front door, in my room, etc, until it becomes ingrained. We still need reminders over longer time periods though and that's why once I'm able to throw away the papers hanging on the walls thruout the house, I like to come here to SR and remember just WHY I don't want this in my life.

You don't miss him. You miss the fantasy that you pretend he is.

I snagged Codependent No More a few days ago, and I'm just tearing through that book. It's such an easy read, and was $7. I grabbed it because it was highly recommended here at SR, and now I can see why. I think a lot of people could get good use out of it.

I have read Codependent No More...perhaps maybe I should pick it up again!! Thank you for all you comments. And, I think you are right I want the fantasy that I make up in my head, not the reality of how things are. In truth...I do not believe he wants to come back...to be honest I have told him twice now, that if he willing stop drinking and no more name calling/cussing that we can give it one last try. I also stated that I would work on my own anger/behaviors (which I know are related to codependency). I am working on these regardless. The first time he asked me what I would do if he did those 2 things, and I said ask him to leave again - so he decided not to stay. Again, I told him this, and I do mean it, but again he left. I think maybe he believes I owe him an apology for asking him to leave....but I do not believe I owe him that, or an apology for my feelings right now. SO.....I am feeling like maybe this is just a power play and he wants me to beg...which I won't. As I think I've said here before, he and I get along well when not living together...truly...we always have been that way. Maybe we were just meant to be that way! Anyway, thanks and please continue to give ideas/support!

:Xmassstar

Please, please do not attribute your anger or bahaviour to yourself!! You have been abused, your reactions to abuse are survival NOT a form of codependency and definately NOT your fault.

You are no way responsible for the abuse that you suffer!!

This is what abusers WANT you to think! This gives them a justification that they have a RIGHT to treat you abusively. Which they do not, in no way shape or form!

There is no justification for abuse

Your partner CHOOSES to abuse you, consciously. He chooses abuse where another man would choose communication, understanding, collaberation.

I really, strongly recommend you read Lundy Bancroft as in my previous post. Codependant no more is a fantastic book (which I have read), but it is NOT a book that can advise within the context of psychological abuse.

Big hugs
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Life gives us clues about what will make us happy, mentally. Sometimes they're as obvious as the nose on our faces, but we ignore them.

This is a big, big sign. It is perfectly fine to care about someone from a safe distance....it can be the makings for a very nice life. We're tempted to 'do what everyone else does' and try to fit a round relationship into a square hole sometimes, but when something is as obvious as this (above) I would certainly pay attention and respect what the universe is trying to tell you.