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I have been reading post here for a while now, but haven't had the nerve to post.
I have been married to me AH for almost 19 years and have 3 teen age kids.
I am a sahm and I home school.
Tonight the fight was started when the dog was in the bed and I didn't get him out and he was on "his "side. I asked him why he had to be such a jerk. I never talk to him like that, but I have had enough. Then he asked me how much I wanted, talking about child support.
He blames me for his drinking, He says that he has no reason to come home sober.
Me on the other hand, always have dinner ready, laundry washed, and I don't bitch at him. So it's not like he comes home to a loud, nasty shrew. The reason he gets drunk (he says)is because I won't have sex with him.
I am so sick of the blame game. I have told him that I refuse to take the blame for something that he has been doing since he was a kid (drinking)
He has an excuse for everything, and it's mostly because I won't be with him.
I am so sick of my life. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't have a job, and I don't want my kids to go through a divorce.But I don't know if he is going to stay or leave. He was drinking tonight, so he might be a bit better in the morning, but who knows.
I need some advice. I would love to go back to school, but he makes too much money to get FA, and we can't afford to put it on the credit card, but I might have to just so that I can get some training to get a job.
Thanks for any input.

Welcome to SR.... Im pleased to meet you and glad you decided to post.

Always remember the 3 Cs

You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it.

Its about him not you, but you can find happiness and senerity regardless if he drinks are not.... just by working on yourself. School sounds like an excellent idea, and as for learning to live life when anothers drinking is effecting you... well Al-anon work very well for me in the beginning.

Stick around and keep reading... and Im sure more people will be along shortly.

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you took the time to introduce yourself. Nice to meet you.

I also have teens in my home. I was a SAHM for about 12 years and went back to work a few years ago.

In my life, I wanted more for myself and children. I didn't want my children to think that accepting unacceptable behavior was how a relationship was supposed to be. I didn't want my son treating his partner the way I was treated (disrespect). I didn't want my daughter accepting disrespect and empty promises like I was receiving. I wanted to be a better parent and role model for them.

Alanon and SR have helped me learn to take better care of myself. Self-help books like Codependent No More helped me let go and let the other adult in the relationship take care of themself and suffer their own consequences.

Please post and read as much as needed.

Lextex, I'm sorry to hear you are in such a spot. I'm an alcoholic with many years sober and I've known lots of alcoholics - both drunk and sober. I can tell you that your husband appears to be a very sick man. You have been given some very good advice already. Please do what you have to do for you, and don't allow him to make you feel guilty. Like Cynay said, "You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it." Whether he gets help or not, you can begin your recovery. You may want to check into AlAnon. I wish you all the best.

hello and welcome!

As a four marriage veteran,
I connected to soemthing you said
about your H saying he drinks
because you won't have sex with him.

There comes a ritualistic 'line in the sand'
in bad relationships
where the couple is no longer 'making love'
to just one partner 'taking sex'.

From the phrasing in your post
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The partner
takes and takes and takes and takes
and we respond by witholding intimacy
because it's the final thing we have left
that isn't being taken with nothing being given in return.

That in and of itself
is a war.

And that's no way to have to live.
No one wants a war
in their own living room
especially a silent war of power.

Alcoholics are selfish and self absorbed people.
I know.
I am one.

But I was also
a partner
who was taken and taken and taken from.
And being intimate
with the enemy in my own war
was the LAST thing I wanted to do
and ... I refused to do it.

I don't think you're on here
asking us in some silent way
to affirm you've done nothing wrong.
I suspect you're on this site
because you're nearing the end of this relationship
and you know it.

And I also suspect
you know exactly what you need to do.

We're here to support you and your decisions
but I cannot emphasise enough
the necessity of your having
3-D support.

Welcome welcome welcome!

ps - what's a sahm?

also -

there's worse things
for a teen to have to go through
than a divorce.

growing up
as children of a loveless marriage

being one of them.

new here
 

Thanks to all who replied. I keep in my mind as much as possible that, no I didn't cause it, it ( his drinking) is not my fault even if he says it is, and I can t change his behavior, just my own.
Sahm means stay at home mom.
thanks, again. Gina

I'm the AH. And I'm here not to blame her for it. Just to tell my side of the story.
Yes I have blamed her for it. And no its not. It's my Fault.
When we got together, we both drank. She quit a few years ago. I said I would but didn't. I felt I didn't really drink that much. But I know I do. She says I get mean. Yea I guess I do. When I get drunk , everything that bothers me, come out. Sober, I just keep it to myself. Her not having sex with me is not why I drink. I don't really know why I do. I Honestly don't like fighting with her. But I will say, The thing about the Dog laying his stinkin Butt on my pillow did upset me. I have asked many times to keep this from happening, And she was laying Right next to this dog on my pillow and said she didn't notice.
All I did was walk in , Pick up the dog and put him out of the room. I didn't even say anything. Thats when I was called a jerk. I really tried not to get into a fight, But the beer wouldn't let me keep my mouth shut.

No Its not her fault that I drink. I don't feel any Support or Love when I come home and thus I don't want to come home sober.
I can't have a complaint or disagreement about anything, with out it being called starting a Fight.
I apologize that when the fight does start, I say things I don't really mean.
I'm glad this is out in the open. Maybe yall can help us out here.
I admit here to all of yall. I drink too much.

Nice to meet you bug. I'll just say up front, this is a forum for 'friends and family of alcoholics.' You may get more helpful responses over in the alcoholics forum.

Having said that, I'd like to ask you a question. Is quitting drinking an option for you? Or is that out of the question?

L

Thats just it. I don't have a Physical need to drink. Going with out doesn't send me into DT's or anything.
I know anything I say as to why I do drink is considered "just and excuse"
I just thought it could be of some help to hear Both sides of the story. Like one post on here refered to me as a sick Man. I'm not sick. Just extremely unhappy.
To say she makes me drink is Wrong. But I sure don't get any "excuses" to quit.
I went a week with out month or so ago. I know Big deal right. But I had to ask her if she even noticed. And she admitted that she didn't.
I'm expected to make Immediate and permanent changes, But don't really get rewarded for my efforts. If you are treated the same either way, whats the incentive to change? This is Not a Bashing in any way. Its just my side of the story.
If there is ever a place where both sides of the story would be handy. Here it is. I'm glad yall are hear.

Why do you need a reward to stop drinking? You say you drink too much. She says you drink too much. So why not just stop altogether? Shouldn't be a problem.

L

bugsquawsher, I hope you and your wife find the help you need to be happy again.

We really can't allow this to become a forum for arguments between marriage partners. The folks here understand that every story has two sides -- really they do.

If you think that you'd like to get control over your drinking, FOR ANY REASON, there are lots of incredibly great folks over on the Alcoholism boards who would love to help you. This just isn't the place.

Good luck with everything!