The grass IS greener!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
The grass IS greener!!
Thanks to all of you who over the time I spent here helped me regain my sanity. To get a grip being in a situation for which I clearly did not have the tools to deal with (and those of you esp with whom I have kept contact with off the boards ). As some of you may remember I had a typical (if there is such a thing) relationship (issues) with an addict. No showing, financial irresponsibility, promises to quit, apologies after apologies about how “it won’t happen again”, or “I messed up and I get it now”. I stuck around way to long. One reason was the business arrangement, but the others were probably more of what many here would relate too. Things like not wanting to give up, wanting to see her be successful (clean, tackling her demons, building her self esteem) wanting maybe even to be “the one” that could help her, not wanting to fail, not wanting to be alone, to see the fantasy come true. Well, finally I reached my limit, left, and kept strong. She pulled me in again after 2 months of not seeing her and then she left me. Against all of my inner drive I maintained NC and let her go. No easy task..even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Too many times around the merry go round ending up in the same place again and again. Still this small part of me didn’t want to let go. I was literally going thru withdrawals..it was awful the struggle I went thru letting her go even knowing that is was dysfunctional with a capital D (this was the first time I have ever been in a relationship like this…and the last I might add).
Now almost 10 months later I finally am reconnected with what a good relationship is and the old goal oriented “life is good” attitude that I had always had. Additionally I met a person who is on the same playing field as me. She goes to work, calls when she says she will, is very responsible (financially and otherwise) and is an excellent communicator with her own goals and internal drive. She loves to work out and it literally amazing. There is no more chasing the fantasy, I am LIVING in reality now. I never look at this girl and say (“if only….” – and the fact is the things that I may like to see different just don’t matter really because the “whole package”, even though imperfect, is perfect for me).
Why am I posting this? Well, because of a few reason I guess. First because I know people disappear from here and I often wondered what ever happened to them. Also because it always seemed to help me hearing from others who were on the path I was before me and what they learned. I learned a lot from that dysfunctional mess I was in. About me, what I want, what I need, and what is important in a relationship (and a chunk of that came from questions and insights posted here). This relationship now is a breeze, a pleasure, it lifts me to higher levels and I don’t need to hold myself back to keep on her level or help her keep up. In fact, we have both flourished and push one another, challenge ourselves (she’s already signed up for a Triathlon and another race…only one race for me though). The point is in retrospect that I learned a lot about relationships from the last one, but it was doomed. I heard it again and again that a healthy relationship just shouldn’t be that much work. Did I really want to be dealing with her as she was then, not what I wanted her to be (and looking back now I saw her as a very different person than she was).
A relationship should be balanced and accepting (funny as I write that I think of all the times I posted on here justifying and defending why my last one almost was, or that I was “not really trying to change her because it was what she wanted for herself”…..yikes). Speaking from “the other side”…. If you are working hard and feel like your partner is not, or like there is a big imbalance in your goals, or lifestyles, or lack of trust….you probably owe it to yourself to let go, rebuild you, and then welcome something a lot more rewarding in the future! Ha, way easier said than done huh? It sure was for me but now that I have arrived on the other side I find myself in a MUCH healthier place personally and professionally. So much energy went out for me into that old relationship and not a whole lot of it was positive. Now, as I enter a new one I wonder about all the time I wasted on waiting for things that never came. It has been said on here many times “you will leave when you are ready and not a second before”, or “you will leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving”…and those are both true. I guess my main message is I lived both of those out and I am happy to say now that I am clean and free of it I am happy to back to the old me, happy and healthy. Good luck to all of you in pursuit to being true to yourselves and finding the happiness and healthiness you deserve whether it be in or out of a relationship!
Peace.
Now almost 10 months later I finally am reconnected with what a good relationship is and the old goal oriented “life is good” attitude that I had always had. Additionally I met a person who is on the same playing field as me. She goes to work, calls when she says she will, is very responsible (financially and otherwise) and is an excellent communicator with her own goals and internal drive. She loves to work out and it literally amazing. There is no more chasing the fantasy, I am LIVING in reality now. I never look at this girl and say (“if only….” – and the fact is the things that I may like to see different just don’t matter really because the “whole package”, even though imperfect, is perfect for me).
Why am I posting this? Well, because of a few reason I guess. First because I know people disappear from here and I often wondered what ever happened to them. Also because it always seemed to help me hearing from others who were on the path I was before me and what they learned. I learned a lot from that dysfunctional mess I was in. About me, what I want, what I need, and what is important in a relationship (and a chunk of that came from questions and insights posted here). This relationship now is a breeze, a pleasure, it lifts me to higher levels and I don’t need to hold myself back to keep on her level or help her keep up. In fact, we have both flourished and push one another, challenge ourselves (she’s already signed up for a Triathlon and another race…only one race for me though). The point is in retrospect that I learned a lot about relationships from the last one, but it was doomed. I heard it again and again that a healthy relationship just shouldn’t be that much work. Did I really want to be dealing with her as she was then, not what I wanted her to be (and looking back now I saw her as a very different person than she was).
A relationship should be balanced and accepting (funny as I write that I think of all the times I posted on here justifying and defending why my last one almost was, or that I was “not really trying to change her because it was what she wanted for herself”…..yikes). Speaking from “the other side”…. If you are working hard and feel like your partner is not, or like there is a big imbalance in your goals, or lifestyles, or lack of trust….you probably owe it to yourself to let go, rebuild you, and then welcome something a lot more rewarding in the future! Ha, way easier said than done huh? It sure was for me but now that I have arrived on the other side I find myself in a MUCH healthier place personally and professionally. So much energy went out for me into that old relationship and not a whole lot of it was positive. Now, as I enter a new one I wonder about all the time I wasted on waiting for things that never came. It has been said on here many times “you will leave when you are ready and not a second before”, or “you will leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving”…and those are both true. I guess my main message is I lived both of those out and I am happy to say now that I am clean and free of it I am happy to back to the old me, happy and healthy. Good luck to all of you in pursuit to being true to yourselves and finding the happiness and healthiness you deserve whether it be in or out of a relationship!
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: texarkana, ar
Posts: 8
thank you so much for your post. I am currently trying to end a harmful, dysfunctional relationship. It is so hard to believe I am loveable or that I can find the happiness I deserve while mired in all this pain, not wanting to let go when I know in my heart I really have to. Thank you for your inspiration.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I wonder sometimes how I made it off that bridge to this side, and then other times I wonder what the heck I was doing in taking so long to get here!! We are all loveable and deserve to be treated with respect. For me, that was part of why I stayed, I was fighting to be treated that way by my ex because I did deserve it. My mistake was asking for it from someone who was simply incapable of it (though I SO wanted to believe that she was. It seemed like just a simple choice she had to make).
I was much happier even being alone once I stopped expecting a call or wanting to call her. With enough time the thoughts just became less and less. NC was imperitive for me or I just got hurt or pulled back in. It was so nice to not be worrying about things or stressed all the time. It is truely amazing what we can learn to live with, but we don't have too. I'd rather be alone any day then be back in the roller coaster of that last relationship. It took a while to feel that way, but it did happen.
I was much happier even being alone once I stopped expecting a call or wanting to call her. With enough time the thoughts just became less and less. NC was imperitive for me or I just got hurt or pulled back in. It was so nice to not be worrying about things or stressed all the time. It is truely amazing what we can learn to live with, but we don't have too. I'd rather be alone any day then be back in the roller coaster of that last relationship. It took a while to feel that way, but it did happen.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Your post was wonderful. It gives people like me (in the early stages of just having left the relationship) hope that there is life after all of this is worked through. Thank you for taking time to post this. I wish you the very best!!
Give your new lady-friend a big ol' hug from all of us here at SR. YAY!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by IPT 
As some of you may remember I had a typical (if there is such a thing) relationship (issues) with an addict. No showing, financial irresponsibility, promises to quit, apologies after apologies about how “it won’t happen again”, or “I messed up and I get it now”.
Thank you so much for posting your story. It really means a lot.
Merry Christmas!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Go and TJP thanks, glad to be back here with positive stuff going on (long term, not the "yay, she came home with an NA meeting list" that she would never go to anyway) 
.
For everyone else, I am happy if you can find strength, motivation, or comfort in what I wrote/experienced. I know a lot of what others had written here in response to my threads helped me get to where I am now. Living wiht an addict, especially an active one (for me at least) is a nightmare. Sadly there often is a lot of talk and hope (that keeps us hanging around) and not nearly as much action. One of the other things people on here wrote that helped me get more in touch with the reality of what I really had (not the fantasy relationship I was living in) was to watch their actions. Words are easy to throw around, actions tell the true story.
.For everyone else, I am happy if you can find strength, motivation, or comfort in what I wrote/experienced. I know a lot of what others had written here in response to my threads helped me get to where I am now. Living wiht an addict, especially an active one (for me at least) is a nightmare. Sadly there often is a lot of talk and hope (that keeps us hanging around) and not nearly as much action. One of the other things people on here wrote that helped me get more in touch with the reality of what I really had (not the fantasy relationship I was living in) was to watch their actions. Words are easy to throw around, actions tell the true story.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Thank you so much for your update. It's truly inspiring and gives me and I'm sure everyone else here at SR much hope! I really appreciate you coming back and giving all of us a much-needed boost!
Happy Holidays to you and your lady friend!
Happy Holidays to you and your lady friend!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
IPT: I second all the thanks! My AH met with a priest Friday afternoon and my thoughts turned on a dime! Maybe I've been too hard on him. Maybe he really does get it, maybe I've been wrong to go no contact.
But after years of his drinking, blaming me for all that is wrong with his world, losing his job 2 weeks ago due to an affair with a worker in OUR FAMILY BUSINESS, dismissing me and our daughters, your post reminded me that all I can work on is me, and my side of the street.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and a dose of backbone when I needed it. I look forward to getting to the other side. In the meantime, I'm treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. Congratulations to you and thanks so much for sharing.
But after years of his drinking, blaming me for all that is wrong with his world, losing his job 2 weeks ago due to an affair with a worker in OUR FAMILY BUSINESS, dismissing me and our daughters, your post reminded me that all I can work on is me, and my side of the street.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and a dose of backbone when I needed it. I look forward to getting to the other side. In the meantime, I'm treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. Congratulations to you and thanks so much for sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Personally in my experience there had been many epiphanies but the actions either never came or didn't last long. It is a tough thing to love and be attached to someone with these struggles. I care too much. For me the only way was to have her completely out of my life. I miss her sometimes, and I care about her a lot. It breaks my heart, but the relationship was killing me.
A relationship is supoosed to lift you each to a higher level based on mutual (key word mutual) support and empowering, love and respect. I knew that, and tried to force it, but it never really did happen. In her defense (sadly) as my therapist and many here pointed out she just didn't have the life skills to do it. It's a tough decision to walk away from someone you care about. In the end though we need to be there for ourselves. The people we allow close to us and into our lives will have a profound effect on us.
Since I left that relationship, grieved it, got my feet back on the ground it is amazing how much better the quality of my day to day life got. The new relationship ads much as I like it and as amazing as this new woman is is really just the icing on the cake. When given the opportunity (ie. we get out of the way and stop making decisions that hold us static or hold us back) the universe will provide!
Peace, a hug, and for all of you.
A relationship is supoosed to lift you each to a higher level based on mutual (key word mutual) support and empowering, love and respect. I knew that, and tried to force it, but it never really did happen. In her defense (sadly) as my therapist and many here pointed out she just didn't have the life skills to do it. It's a tough decision to walk away from someone you care about. In the end though we need to be there for ourselves. The people we allow close to us and into our lives will have a profound effect on us.
Since I left that relationship, grieved it, got my feet back on the ground it is amazing how much better the quality of my day to day life got. The new relationship ads much as I like it and as amazing as this new woman is is really just the icing on the cake. When given the opportunity (ie. we get out of the way and stop making decisions that hold us static or hold us back) the universe will provide!
Peace, a hug, and
for all of you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
