waxter

I am a newcomer to this site and this is my first post. I feel desperate for support with this.

I started dating a man 3 years ago who told me that he is in recovery. He sees a therapist twice a week, meets with a therapy group (instead of 12-step) and pays for phone monitoring, which means he talks to his therapist on the phone as needed.

Unfortunately, I feel in love with him and thought because he was in recovery it was OK to see how it played out.

What has happened since is that we are together very intensely, then he says that he is not getting his recovery work done and needs to not have contact. This has happened 3 times in the last three years and when it happens I am miserable but I tell myself that he is really working to be healthy and that we will be together when the time is right.

I do what I can for myself - pursue interests, get together with friends, etc but feel this continuous longing for him and wonder if he is going to reappear and be doing well enough that we can be together.

Most recently we were apart for a year - no contact. He called on Thanksgiving and said that he had been sober during the year, missed me, and we got together. Two weeks have gone by and we've done a lot of talking. The upshot is that he tells me that he is doing better but still not relationship-ready so I know that he will leave again.

Though I think of him, I never check up on him or call him during his time-outs and I know that I cannot fix this for him. However, I am having a hard time letting go of my dream of a future with him - though as time goes on, I feel that very painful process starting.

I know that addicts are discouraged from being in new relationships during recovery and that for recovery to be successful they need to focus solely on that. So....is he a sincere person struggling to get well or after this much time, is it a cop-out? (victim or volunteer?)

I know the co-dependent stuff forward and backward and I know I will get jumped on for not moving on but any support that you can offer would be very much appreciated because I am really struggling here.

Thanks!

bookwyrm

Welcome!

Now you're here I'd recommend having a read at the sticky threads at the top of the forum - there is so much onformation there. When I first came here, they really struck home with me.

Another recommendation I'd make is Melody Beattie's Co Dependant No More - it was a real eye opener for me. This book, more than any other I've read, really changed the way I think - and I'm still changing!


Does it really matter what his motivation is? Is this how you want to spend your life - always waiting for someone to pick you up when he needs you and then drops you when he doesn't? Don't you think you deserve better? If not, why not? You've been out of touch with him for a year, do you really know who he is or are you in love with the idea of him? There's a sticky that might help here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

You may think you know everything about co dependancy already but please have another look. It is time for you to put the focus back on you. What do YOU want? What are YOUR needs? Are you happy with the way things are now? Can you accept life like this? You cannot change him and you seem to be hanging around hopefully waiting for him to suddenly change into to partner you dream of. He just isn't that guy. I know, it sounds harsh. Let the process of letting go you talk about continue. You only have one life and you do deserve so much better!

When STBXAH left, journalling helped me as well as maintaining no contact. I also got a counsellor to help me through. Be kind to yourself - you can make it through this.

:ghug3

Sober25

I am sorry you are in so much turmoil, and in my humble opinion it's time to move on. I wish you all the best. You do deserve better treatment.

waxter

Thank you so much bookwyrm and sober25 for your replies. I appreciate them so much. I have never experienced and addiction but this comes close to what I think it would be like. If I replied to my own post, my replies would be just what you two said. I am a fifty-something well educated professional woman but this makes me think that I am not very well put together because, though I spent most of the day mentally swearing him off, I have not been able to stop wanting to see him. I was gone most of the day and when I got home, there was a message from him plus the phone was ringing and it was him. I did talk to him but made no plans with him which is a small step.

I know that this is no reason for a smart woman to keep wanting a man such as this but I have been many years raising children and having a life with friends and family and no dating and was very vulnerable to his attention and though the saying goes that there are other fish in the sea, it doesn't seem like it.

Again, I so appreciate your replies and will read what you have suggested, bookwyrm. This is one of the most difficult things that I have ever experienced and it has been nice to join this community and read posts of people who are going through the same thing.

bookwyrm

The one thing that helped me the most was going no contact with STBXAH. Its a bit like being on a diet - you just don't go into the chocolate shop unless you're trying to torture yourself! Contact with STBXAH raised the spectre of hope in me - he'd say just enough to keep me hanging in there. Try it if you can. It isn't a pain free solution but it can reduce the pain you're going through.

tjp613

Waxter - The thing is that you have to assume that nothing will change (because it rarely does without a lot of hard work!), and if things don't change, are you willing to accept this relationship as it is? Frankly, if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he's got other love interests and this is what takes him away from you. If that's OK with you (that he comes and goes) then that's fine!! But if you are suffering during his absences, can you say that this is really what you want for yourself? If you heart's happiness is reliant on his presence....what happens to YOU when he's gone? No matter how you slice it, it sounds like he is a very, very self-serving individual with little regard or respect for your long-term happiness. But, then again, you've taught him that you are OK with it and so he's back.... until he's not. Oh brother.

((((((Hugs)))))) I'm glad you found us. Post often and let us know how you're doing!

nodaybut2day

Hi Waxter...and welcome to SR!!! I'm so glad you found this place and all its wonderfully supportive people.

From reading your post, it seems like though this man you're "dating" is in recovery, he's using you as his "standby girl"...the reliable chick he can call whenever he wants a little TLC and validation. Though I applaud the fact that he's actively seeking treatment, it seems like 3 years of off and on is a long time for you to wait for him to "get better".

This is a post from the Classic Reading section that really helped me with regards to loving someone for their potential:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

"It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

So, are you happy with how this man loves you and treats you now? What would make you happy?

Please keep posting and reading. The people here at SR have been instrumental in helping me recover and start to get a handle on my life.

waxter

I am SO glad that I found you guys! This is so isolating because it's so dysfunctional that I became even embarassed to talk to a counselor. No, I am not happy with things as they are. What would make me happy?...to be able to have him surgically removed from my brain! I feel like what's wrong with me that I can intellectually see this so clearly for what it is but still feel drawn to him? And he knows just how to keep that going. I see from other posts that people have had difficulty extricating themselves emotionally from someone who is hurting them. I'm not sure what to say next....because I know that I am not over this. I do think that I have taken some small steps by joining SR and questioning why I am hanging on. I was always fairly sure that since he was in a recovery program that he would be better as time went on - fell in love with his potential, as I am discovering. It's not looking that way to me nearly as much any more and, where before I saw him as a sincere person trying to get better, I am starting to have feel strung along. So...will you guys stay with me if I don't go cold turkey? How does that work when people have given good advice but the advisee is not sure exactly when she can carry it out? :>

tjp613

When you're ready you will know it and it serves no purpose to force it now if you're not. See, the thing is, now you have this nagging question planted in your brain like a little seed....and it will grow! It's even OK if you stay with him for the next 10 years if YOU want to. We'll be here to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings, but remember that our main interest is YOU and your happiness...so we may ask some hard questions but you never have to justify your actions or decisions to us...only to yourself!

Hope you have a great day!