CNMC2C

Hope everyone is well. It's been over a year since I found and joined this forum. I've spent a lot of time reading the threads and posts on here and other books trying to understand alcoholism and codependancy, along with a lot of individual therapy. I'm in a way better place now in my life than I was when I joined this forum and I thank GOD everyday for that. I'm still working really hard now on trying to learn how to have compassion for my A XBF so that I can truly forgive him. It has been so hard for me to forgive him for all of the cheating, lying, and other betrayals. I don't want to carry around all of this anger and hatred toward him for the rest of my life. So, I feel like I need to just put my feelings out there in the universe instead of eating them like I have for the last year.

Since I met him in July 2007 the following has transpired:
* His ex-wife and children moved to another state a month before I met him and have carried on their lives without him. He very rarely sees his children anymore and isn't an active part of their lives

* He has a criminal record due to the DUI's and DV charges filed against him

* He lost me, a person who cared deeply for him, due to his lies, cheating, and other betrayals

* He lost his house to foreclosure due to not paying the mortgage, even though he actually had the money to do so, but chose to put it toward alcohol and gambling

* He lost his job this week. A job that paid over $100,000 a year. The company offered to put him on probation for 6 months, so that he could get help and get back on track with his career or he could resign immediately with 6 months severance.......he chose to leave immediately.

* He has lost his good reputation in the industry that we both work in, due to the last 2 years of him spiraling out of controll and burning a lot of bridges with a lot of very key people in this industry. He is thought of as unstable and hard to deal with.

Now that I am looking at the list that I just keyed, I can really see that alcoholism is a progressive disease. He has lost so much due to this disease. He has no desire to get the help that he needs to overcome this terrible disease, but it is his choice not to. All of us who know him and care about him can pray for him, but we have to stay out of his way and protect ourselves from his chosen self distruction. I hope that he can find his way sobriety and recovery and know what true healthiness and happiness is.


My new therapist challenged me to put my feelings down and out there...instead of supressing them....so this whole post is part of that exercise.


Thanks for listening. Take care everyone.

cmc

It's nice to see you here again and thanks for sharing how things are going for you.

There's a section in the Big Book of AA (in How It Works) that describes how when others consider the alcoholic as being 'spiriually sick' it can be easier to understand and forgive.

Of course adding in what I've learned in Al-Anon- I need to remember that once I do truly forgive I benefit. There are several situations in my own life where forgiveness has been difficult.

Sometimes I tend to revisit some of my hurts and then need to do what I call 'reforgiving' in order to maintain my own serenity. I find peace in my heart with help from my HP.

Thanks for sharing your experience, strength & hope.

Still Waters

I also have episodes of anger, and times when I just don't want to forgive. But this is all still ongoing in my life - I look forward to a time when I can look back on it and forgive him for the abuse...right now I can't.

myawakening

I worry that I NEVER will let it go and will carry this burden around with me forever. The anger consumes me right now and I don't think I can forgive. It's like a tornado ran through my life and left everything damaged and destroyed. How do you forgive that?

tjp613

CNMC2C - How horrible for him....and you. I'm sorry that you are still in pain but you sound like a smart woman and are on a good track for getting your life back.

Can I just point something out to you about your post? You didn't speak much about YOUR "feelings", you spoke about HIM and what he lost. Did your therapist challenge you to identify your feelings...put a name to them?

I'm not being critical -- please believe me -- just trying to help you with your process. I have a very hard time identifying my feelings, too. I was told once (to help me with that exercise) that there are really only 3 feelings: sad, mad and glad. That did help me to start with those baby steps.

(((Hugs))) Thanks for posting.

CNMC2C

Thanks. I know you are not being critical and your question about what my feelings are, is very valid. When I left him in Sept 2008 and went no contact, I was repeatedly told that I didn't need to be thinking about a person that I allowed to treat me so badly and should be thankful that I got away from him....which I completely agree with....but I took the "Fake it till you make it" philosophy to an unhealthy level by avoiding my feelings about what happened. I just focused on staying away from him at all cost and not deal with him.....in any way. My feelings are this....I don't care that he is an alcoholic and I understand that alcohol is his only true love. Just because he is an alcoholic, does not mean he gets a free pass for the cheating, lying, and stealing that happened while he was in supposed monogomous relationship with me. He repeatedly put my health at risk by having multiple affairs with several different women while we were in a supposed monogomous relationship. I just got finished going through my last round of testing for STD's because of him not being faithful. I had to sit around on pins and needles for the 2nd time this year, waiting to get test results back to see if I was ok, because of his choices. Not a happy time either time I've had to have it done this year. And, on top of that, finding out that the woman he married in January 2009, is one of the women that he had been having a long distance affair with while we were together....just added insult to injury. When he started contacting me again this October and November via drunk texts and phone calls.....I was just insulted even more. I know now that this is nothing new for him....everything he did in our relationship with me, is the same thing he did in his relationship with his ex-wife and is the reason she left and took their kids with her....to protect herself and their children from him. He will continue this pattern with anyone who falls for his facade. So, I know that this is just a pattern with him and that nothing and no one means anything to him....except alcohol. I get that.......it just ticks me off when people just dismiss it all because he is an alcoholic. OK......those are my feelings I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I have got to work my way through it, with my new therapist help. Per her suggestion, I just bought the Power of Now to read and will be meeting with her this coming week to continue with my path to forgiveness and compassion for myself and him. Gosh....it really hurts to read the above......and I'm sitting here with tears running down my face.....but for the first time.......I am at least feeling something instead of anger.......

tjp613

how did each of those incidents make you FEEL?

ANGRY
DEPRESSED
CONFUSED
HELPLESS
irritated
lousy
upset
incapable
enraged
disappointed
doubtful
alone
hostile
discouraged
uncertain
paralyzed
insulting
ashamed
indecisive
fatigued
sore
powerless
perplexed
useless
annoyed
diminished
embarrassed
inferior
upset
guilty
hesitant
vulnerable
hateful
dissatisfied
shy
empty
unpleasant
miserable
stupefied
forced
offensive
detestable
disillusioned
hesitant
bitter
repugnant
unbelieving
despair
aggressive
despicable
skeptical
frustrated
resentful
disgusting
distrustful
distressed
inflamed
abominable
misgiving
woeful
provoked
terrible
lost
pathetic
incensed
in despair
unsure
tragic
infuriated
sulky
uneasy
in a stew
cross
bad
pessimistic
dominated
worked up
a sense of loss
tense
boiling
fuming
indignant
INDIFFERENT
AFRAID
HURT
SAD
insensitive
fearful
crushed
tearful
dull
terrified
tormented
sorrowful
nonchalant
suspicious
deprived
pained
neutral
anxious
pained
grief
reserved
alarmed
tortured
anguish
weary
panic
dejected
desolate
bored
nervous
rejected
desperate
preoccupied
scared
injured
pessimistic
cold
worried
offended
unhappy
disinterested
frightened
afflicted
lonely
lifeless
timid
aching
grieved
shaky
victimized
mournful
restless
heartbroken
dismayed
doubtful
agonized
threatened
appalled
cowardly
humiliated
quaking
wronged
menaced
alienated
wary

???????????????????

CNMC2C

[QUOTE=tjp613;2458648]how did each of those incidents make you FEEL?

tjp613......thank you for taking time to key all of the feelings. For someone like me who is a compulsive overeater whom has mastered eating her feelings for the last 20 years......I can honestly say.....It is a new day for me to even take time to think about how each of those incidents make me feel, instead of just going to the pantry and eating until I feel nothing.

So, I'm going to give this a try......below are the feelings that hit home with me:
ANGRY....at myself for not being able to forgive him and myself

DEPRESSED.....that it is a year later and I am still not completely healed

CONFUSED......when the hell will I ever get out of my own way

disappointed....in myself in a lot of ways

alone....i do feel alone

discouraged......I am still trying to get well and wonder if I ever will be

uncertain......if I will ever be able to let another person get close to me again in a romantic way

insulted.......I am insulted that the A XBF azzhole, jerk still thinks that he can call and text me anytime he wants......when he betrayed me in everyway imaginable and is married to another woman....he is a moron

ashamed.....that I ever let a jerk like him anywhere near me

embarrassed......he ran around town with his wife and all of his other women making sure that all of our mutual friends knew that he had moved on seconds after we had split.....it was embarrassing to me ....especially when he made sure that he introduced his now wife to a friend of mine who is like my second father ......that really hurt


distrustful......I don't know if I will ever be able to trust another man again


INDIFFERENT......this is my goal....to become indifferent


HURT.......in so many ways...


suspicious.....i don't trust anyone anymore


grief.........i think all of this is what grief must feel like?




OK.....now I need to take a break and just cry.....

tjp613

Yeah, it's hard!!! That's why we eat chocolate instead!! LOL (I do it too, believe me) But it must be a lot healthier to acknowledge the feelings.

I wasted 3 years of my life on loser, too--Probably way worse than your Prince Charming! Well, I say "wasted" but I did learn a lot and ended up marrying a very good man--probably the best I've ever known. Maybe I had to go thru that hell before I could have appreciated my husband. He's not Brad Pitt, but he's stable, loving and reliable.

You'll be ok -- just keep working at it. One step in front of the other. It will all come together in time, I promise. You're doing all the right things! At least you're not throwing yourself on the nearest railroad tracks. Don't give him that much power, darlin'!! He doesn't deserve it !

Learn2Live

The "thanks" button isn't working apparently, so THANKS tjp613--AWESOME list!!

CNMC2C: Check out "Why am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. It's been out of print for many years but you can get it cheap on Amazon. Helped me a lot.