Elsie

I'm not sure why, but I feel like I need to keep posting, keep talking.

My boyfriend is a very sucessful man. He does not drink at work, but he does drink the second he gets home. (we do not live together, but in the past we did)
When I think back to all the CRAP he put me through:
-saying mean, nasty and hurtful things
-making me look stupid infront of others
-Breaking up with me countless times, kicking me and my kids out of his apartment and we'd walk back to my apartment with all of our clothes.
-going somewhere socially and his first thought was "get booze" then after he gets it looks at me and says "Oh sorry, did you want something?" I was an after thought
-I was in the hospital for 1 week before giving birth to our prematurly born son, and he didn't come see me all that often and when he did it was for about 15 mins
-The day I went home from the hospital he and his friend picked me up and they were both wasted. I needed to fill a prescription and he wouldn't take me. (it was very important, it was for my blood pressure which is why I had the baby early and it nearly killed me and baby) I needed a breast pump and he wouldn't take me. We got back to his apartment and he sat down and asked me to make him dinner. (I did not, instead I sat and cried. His sister came over and took me out of there and got me my medicine)
-Our son needed surgery at 2 months of age, and while he was in surgery he and I went for a walk around the city (Toronto, Canada) I thought we were getting some air, he was scouring the place looking for a bar that served alcohol in the morning. While our baby was in surgery!
-while on vacation one time (with kids and another family) he was angry and tossed a bucket of water on me infront of everyone
-We had officially broke up in January of this year and due to finances I had to remain in the home for a few months. He'd keep messing with me, walk around saying he hated me, but other days he'd cry and say he loved me. At the very end he punched a door and when I told him not to (the kids were there) he yelled that I was lucky it wasn't my face. ANother time he handed my son to me, but used my son to literally push me against the wall.

I can't keep typing....recalling all these times that I had chosen to forget are making me upset....but I think of them and wonder to myself:
"YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU WERE FREE AND CLEAR IN MAY! WHY DID YOU LET HIM TALK HIS WAY BACK? WHY DID YOU GET BACK WITH HIM?"

I was OUT! I was HAPPY!
He told me he knew that the drinking killed us. He told me he cut way back, and was going to stop completely. And he did, for a while...and now he's going back to the LCBO everynight. Bottle of Vodka, Soda water and about 10 tall Budweisers.
If he comes here to my house it's the same...he brings it with him.
I'm tired of clearing can after can after can into my recycle bin.
Why do I stay?
Why do I still love him?
How much more punishment am I going to take before I leave again!?
He's having a BIG health issue at the moment that keeps getting worse and he will not seek help for it. To be completely honest, I'm really worried that what will end up happening is I'll leave him, and he'll end up being very ill (from this health issue) and he'll be alone to deal with it on his own. (rectal bleeding, very scary!)

I love this man despite all the stuff (and COUNTLESS OTHER THINGS I did not mention) he is so charismatic, and when he's not drinking a lot we have such a great time together.
Part of me keeps waiting and hoping he's finally going to "GET IT", he's finally going to say "THATS IT! I'M DONE!"
He stopped drinking Jack Daniels, he said it made him an angry person. Said he was only drinking beer. Then he said the beer was too fattening and switched to Vodka and Fresca. Then he had a trip to the UK, came back home and started only drinking Ciders. Then he switched back to Vodka because he said the Ciders had too much sugar. It's excuse after excuse after excuse.
One time he bought a bottle of wine for me, but I rarely drink, and when I said I didn't want it, he got upset!

I dunno. I just don't know what to do, what to think, what to say.
My heart wishes he'll stop, my heart wishes he'll choose me over the booze.
In a previous post of mine I spoke of how he was trying to control me by telling me not to buy my daughters a hamster for xmas. Is this his way of telling me "Hey, you're trying to control me, so I'll do it back!"
Is it fair of me to try and control him by giving him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable?
Like I said, my heart is wishing for the very best, but my head is saying "You moron, he'll never change, get out while you can!"

I love him, but he refuses AA meetings, he refuses asking his Dr about quitting.
I even looked up online where AA meetings are for us BOTH to go to. I wrote them all down, for my city, for his city and for the city his Mom lives in incase we needed a babysitter. Still...nothing.
It's hard for me to go to Al-Anon meetings on my own, as I have 4 kids here and no one to look after them.
I don't want them to know where I'd be going either...they are 12, 10, 6 and almost 2.

I don't know, I'm so confused and hurt.
I swore to myself...I swore I'd never let him hurt me again and make me cry.

Guess that promise to myself has been broken...

suki44883

I'm sorry you are going through this; however, the only thing I can think to say is that you obviously haven't had enough. When you have, you will know.

gadgetgirl6

My AH also is a successful man who drinks the moment he gets home. Today we had plans to see the Christmas Story at an IMAX theatre but he choose a couple of bottles of wine instead. OK, I thought, I'll still dress up some and make a nice dinner and we can see where the evening takes us...nope, he was emotionally all over the place (detachment worked well for me to deflect the crap) then lay on the couch for about 10 minutes and got up, without a word, and went to bed. At least he didn't corner me in the kitchen (like last week) yelling at me that I didn't understand all the stress he has and blah, blah, blah. I've had him arrested (once) in the past so he knows not to push it. Oh yes, he is still very angry about that.

My heart just cried out for you reading about when you had your daughter...how painful that must have been for you.

My AH picked me up from the airport 2 days after my mother had unexpectedly died in 2007. She was diagnosed on Tuesday with cancer and passed three days later. When I came off the plane he had this weird grin on his face. I was so exhausted from caring for my mother and dealing with the arrangements afterwards that I just flat out asked him what was going on - honestly, I didn't have the energy for games. He refused to talk to me! And he didn't all the way home because I had burst his bubble of happiness!!! Ends up he bought a new Harley and needed me to drive him to pick it up. The saddest and sickest part of this is I did. That same day.

And he turned away from me at her funeral, wouldn't sit with me at hers or my fathers (earlier that same year) and stopped on the way to the cemetery from the service to get a hamburger. Then went to a party instead of the family reception afterwards. I had attended and stayed with him through his parents, son, friends and brothers services...I was shocked when he completely bailed on me when I needed him most.

This is not a life. It's a prison sentence. I gave up my business to help him launch his and with this economy, it would be so difficult to split up the company. He would drag everything out in court. So I detach. I pretend I care. And I play the lottery hoping that the universe will help me out.

The saddest part for me is my AH was in recovery for 6 years when we met. His son was killed two weeks after our first anniversay. He had started to drink sporadically before then and was already showing the signs....I just ignored them. He completely went over the edge, used drugs a few times (at least he left to do that) but I 'forgave' him because I thought it was the grief. It's been 8 years since his son died and it's not grief, it's alcoholism. The grief was just an excuse.

I don't know where this will go. I leave in 2 days to visit my daughter and grandsons I haven't seen in 14 months. I know, in my gut, he will guilt trip me before and during my trip. It's his M.O. And it will affect my enjoyment. So I lie to him and tell him I wish he was coming (not!) and I'll miss him (hardly) and then we'll have the holidays to be together. I'm getting very good at pretending. But if he thinks he's being the big, fat, generous provider, I'll get some space to have a life.

I wish I had left as soon as I saw the signs. But when you love someone, you gloss over the reality. I am trying very hard to focus on me now. To build up my financial foundation so I can have the option to leave, to lose weight so I feel good about myself again and to take care of me instead of him all the time. It's all I can do for now.

ItsmeAlice

Oh Elsie, I'm so sorry. I can feel the pain coming from your post, and I must say your behind must be numb from kicking yourself so much.

A wise soul here once told me that I made the decisions that I did during my relationship with my EX based on what I knew at the time. The very same wisdom applies to you. You've gone by what you knew at the time.

All the times that I should've left my EX and could've left, I didn't. Why? I didn't leave because at the time, I knew I loved him, and I didn't know that alcoholism is progressive and will always be progressive until the alcoholic makes the life choice to change. If I went back in time and woke up just before one of our big fights over his drinking, especially the one he ran off after and stayed missing in action for days, knowing all that I know now, I would have changed the locks and dropped his things off at his mother's. I would have taken back the next 10 years that became engulged with addiction and codependence.

All hindsight aside, there is only so long you can live is such regret. To do so would shrivel your future away until all you had were bitter memories.

I found focusing my recovery on what I wanted for my future rather than what I would have preferred for my past, far more benefitial.

My EX had also began having health problems, which we both knew related to liver and kidney damage from the drinking and for which he refused to consider seeing a doctor, so I understand your struggle with that. My EX even asked me at one point what I was going to do when I left and he began to die (no guilt there, right?). I told him that I would be sad for him, but he had a better chance at life without me enabling him than he did if I left. I cared not if he believed that.

Keep posting. There are so many who can related to what you are going through.

Best wishes,

Alice

hps

I was the AH, and am now the RAH, and I think my wife's experience was not too different from yours.

There are a lot of things I don't know: why my wife stayed with me while I was drinking, why I stopped when I did, why I haven't started again (although I'm guessing going to AA meetings helps on this front).

I do know why I kept drinking when it was causing problems: I just couldn't see how it was possible for me to cope with life without drinking. It wasn't me choosing alcohol over my wife, I was doing as well as could be expected with my wife, under my challenging life circumstances (this is what I thought at the time). I had a lot of shame and guilt about the damage I was doing (to myself and others), but maybe not enough shame and guilt to figure out how to stop drinking. Plus there was only the shame and guilt every so often, the rest of the days when I was plastered it wasn't that bad (I knew my judgement was distorted, if I needed my fix I didn't care about the consequences, nevertheless I didn't stop drinking).

I don't know if this helps you. If your boyfriend is like me, then he's not a monster choosing alcohol over life, he is crazy by addiction, his life isn't under his control, so he's not able to choose. He may stop drinking by himself. Or death may stop him drinking.

As suki44883 observed, you have to decide how much of the alcoholic death trip experience you want to be around for.

KeepPedaling

[QUOTE=hps;2457709] his life isn't under his control, so he's not able to choose. He may stop drinking by himself. QUOTE]

If his life isn't under his control, than how could he ever choose to stop drinking? You chose to stop drinking, right? You were able to choose. And you were an alcoholic. You chose to quit (I have lots of respect for you for that by the way).

I guess my point is - you're only ever in control of one thing, yourself. You're always able to choose.

TakingCharge999

KP... I think hps refers to this, not being personal.. he is not doing all those hurtful things in purpose, to HIS partner...

Its not like he says "I could be an excellent person but no, I will make her suffer!!"

He is doing the best he can. This is the best version he imagines about himself.

He is doing what alcoholics do and it does not matter much who is around. Alcohol rules. Others are not second to the bottle...alcohol is the only thing and others are just ways to keep addiction alive... "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages"


People quit and recover but for that to happen they need to hit rock bottom.

Unfortunately for many, life runs out and there is no bottom, the only stop is death. It is harsh but many stay and suffer waiting for something that may not happen. Meanwhile you lost the great life you had to enjoy, addiction-free.


Just my two cents......

Elsie: we got one life. ONE. Have you considered visiting a therapist? Made all the difference for me...

hps

KP, I think TakingCharge999 explained it well. For me, analytically or intellectually I knew I shouldn't be drinking many years before I actually could stop drinking. The problem for me was the discipline, especially as alcohol becomes a whole life coping strategy. The only way I knew how to deal with any sort of emotional highs or lows was to drink. Also, drinking was such a big part of my life that it was difficult to imagine a life without drinking, it would be like killing a big part of myself.

The analogy I like is that for the sufferer, alcoholism is like diabetes. It's not easy for diabetics to comply with their diet etc, but on the other hand it's not as if the diabetic chooses to go into a diabetic coma. That said, of course as an illness alcoholism inflicts lots of damage on others, whilst diabetes doesn't. And in either case, once one is aware one has the illness, it is one's responsibility to manage it (which I nevertheless did not for a long time).