My introduction for your input..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi (((((((drisc)))))))))))
For myself, the problem is NOT about having priorities.......the problem is about having THEIR priorities in the number one slot, at the expense of my own priorities.....
"thats" one of the co-dependents problems! LOL
I would suggest getting and reading "THE CO-DEPENDENTS GUIDE TO THE 12 STEPS" by Melody Beattie.
Just a thought drisc....... you stated that you have been in this relationship for 7 months, and it sounds like a long distance relationship (correct me if I am wrong)..... with the flying back and forth to see him. How much "time" have you really taken to get to know this man....BEFORE, you made the decision to uproot everything in your life for this relationship with HIM?
This isn't about HIM at all.........this is about making clear decisions and choices in your own life that perhaps were made before you got to even know if this relationship was a stable and healthy one.
This is about making choices that have life changing consequences for YOU and your children....... after a 7 month relationship that perhaps in "real time" spent together was much much less then what one would need to make a clear decision based on what is good for YOU, your life, and your childrens lives.
I could be wrong...... but making a 7 month long distance relationship the top priority, putting HIM first.......... may have cost you,.... your own emotional stability, your own peace of mind, your financial stability, your job, your apartment, and your childrens stability as well.
That is what is meant by putting yourself "first".... taking care of YOU, and your own needs first........ because as Emotional Meg shared, and shared so well ....the simple truth is this:
A HEALTHY relationship involves two individuals who are whole and happy, and who both have a desire to share their experiences.
With recovery in AA, and Coda.... I have learned to not ignore my own gut feelings...and to listen to that small voice inside of me that says.......Hold it....STOP, is this healthy for ME, my life, and the lives of those who are depending on me for stability....my children?
What are the consequences that I may end up paying dearly for because of making life changing decisions based in lack of real true information.
I have a question for you, and please do not feel as if you have to answer it at all...... its just something that I thought of as I read your posts here.
Did you at any time during this 7 month relationship have an uneasy feeling on the inside, an intuitive thought, or even an uncomfortable sense that it was too soon to be making that kind of life changing decision....... and just ignore it, make excuses for it, or doubt yourself and try to change the feeling into something else?
Just my thoughts is all.
Love
Patsy
Why is having priorites and relationships co-dependent?
"thats" one of the co-dependents problems! LOL
I would suggest getting and reading "THE CO-DEPENDENTS GUIDE TO THE 12 STEPS" by Melody Beattie.
Just a thought drisc....... you stated that you have been in this relationship for 7 months, and it sounds like a long distance relationship (correct me if I am wrong)..... with the flying back and forth to see him. How much "time" have you really taken to get to know this man....BEFORE, you made the decision to uproot everything in your life for this relationship with HIM?
This isn't about HIM at all.........this is about making clear decisions and choices in your own life that perhaps were made before you got to even know if this relationship was a stable and healthy one.
This is about making choices that have life changing consequences for YOU and your children....... after a 7 month relationship that perhaps in "real time" spent together was much much less then what one would need to make a clear decision based on what is good for YOU, your life, and your childrens lives.
I could be wrong...... but making a 7 month long distance relationship the top priority, putting HIM first.......... may have cost you,.... your own emotional stability, your own peace of mind, your financial stability, your job, your apartment, and your childrens stability as well.
That is what is meant by putting yourself "first".... taking care of YOU, and your own needs first........ because as Emotional Meg shared, and shared so well ....the simple truth is this:
A HEALTHY relationship involves two individuals who are whole and happy, and who both have a desire to share their experiences.
With recovery in AA, and Coda.... I have learned to not ignore my own gut feelings...and to listen to that small voice inside of me that says.......Hold it....STOP, is this healthy for ME, my life, and the lives of those who are depending on me for stability....my children?
What are the consequences that I may end up paying dearly for because of making life changing decisions based in lack of real true information.
I have a question for you, and please do not feel as if you have to answer it at all...... its just something that I thought of as I read your posts here.
Did you at any time during this 7 month relationship have an uneasy feeling on the inside, an intuitive thought, or even an uncomfortable sense that it was too soon to be making that kind of life changing decision....... and just ignore it, make excuses for it, or doubt yourself and try to change the feeling into something else?
Just my thoughts is all.
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Re: Things are getting clearer..
Originally posted by drisc425
Meg,
Your explanaion is extremely well written and comprehendable. Things are becoming clearer.
Had a conversation last night with the "man." He is still very defensive and I know there is something there that he is not telling me......you know that "gut" feeling. During our conversation, while I was asking questions, he would say" I wish you would have just reacted this way, or I wish you just would have said this and more "I wish you's". So I think I will move a way from that type of conversations. I feel the way I feel and react to things the way I do and it was not what he wanted to hear or how he wanted me to react....Don't get that...guess he does not like who I am after all.........................
Meg,
Your explanaion is extremely well written and comprehendable. Things are becoming clearer.
Had a conversation last night with the "man." He is still very defensive and I know there is something there that he is not telling me......you know that "gut" feeling. During our conversation, while I was asking questions, he would say" I wish you would have just reacted this way, or I wish you just would have said this and more "I wish you's". So I think I will move a way from that type of conversations. I feel the way I feel and react to things the way I do and it was not what he wanted to hear or how he wanted me to react....Don't get that...guess he does not like who I am after all.........................
I am sorry, I didn't see this post from you before I wrote the above post.
I feel the way I feel and react to things the way I do and it was not what he wanted to hear or how he wanted me to react....Don't get that...guess he does not like who I am after all.....
Just my thoughts again, but the truth is probably much closer to this Drisc: He doesn't like himself...and it really has nothing to do with YOU at all
Love to you (((((((((Drisc))))))))))
Patsy
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Drisc,
You're right! A's try to find people who will "take care" of them and make their life easier so that they don't feel the guilt of drinking. They can be very manipulative. They can often be romantic and play on the whole "two people, one soul" attitude and try to make you feel bad if you aren't that way as well.
I am finding my AH doing everything possible right now to try to get me back to the person I was when we married. He doesn't like the "new" me, even though I am becoming healthier. But the new me isn't going to play his games or allow him to take away the things that make me feel good about myself.
The biggest thing he keeps saying is "nobody wants or love me - do you know how horrible that feels". He's trying to play on my sympathy and have me "fix" things for him. Well, I won't do that - so I tell him that I am not responsible for how he feels. I love him, but I won't "fix" his life for him. He absolutely HATES that!!
Please hang in there and READ, READ, READ...and keep coming back here. This place has helped me so much in understanding myself and my A.
Take care a big HUGS!!
Kitkat
You're right! A's try to find people who will "take care" of them and make their life easier so that they don't feel the guilt of drinking. They can be very manipulative. They can often be romantic and play on the whole "two people, one soul" attitude and try to make you feel bad if you aren't that way as well.
I am finding my AH doing everything possible right now to try to get me back to the person I was when we married. He doesn't like the "new" me, even though I am becoming healthier. But the new me isn't going to play his games or allow him to take away the things that make me feel good about myself.
The biggest thing he keeps saying is "nobody wants or love me - do you know how horrible that feels". He's trying to play on my sympathy and have me "fix" things for him. Well, I won't do that - so I tell him that I am not responsible for how he feels. I love him, but I won't "fix" his life for him. He absolutely HATES that!!
Please hang in there and READ, READ, READ...and keep coming back here. This place has helped me so much in understanding myself and my A.
Take care a big HUGS!!
Kitkat
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4
How?
How did you two meet? 7 month ago........I think that is very early to be getting married to someone you really do not know. Maybe get to know him better and find out what he is hiding from you. Did you meet online? if you did, that would explain a lot!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4
drisc425
I understand totally what you are wanting to know because I feel somewhat in the same place with my ex bf. I want to be with him because I love him. He has so many problems one of them is drinking. I went to AlAnon and it was so sad how many women and men live a life of pure hell with their abusive and addicted people in their lives. Once I learned enough I simply stopped going, I do not see it as a life long process to attend these meetings. I learned a lot. It is ok to love your man and to want to be with him and marry him. I never been with anyone either that had drinking or drug problems it put me in total shock. What you are dealing with is a man that has been sober for 12 years( I think that is what you wrote) ( if that is indeed true). I learned that a dry drunk is sometimes worse than an active A. You will put up with so much bull with this man. He is already showing you this. 7 month is not long enough to be so in love with someone you really do not know. So it asks the question of " why would you want to be with someone like that?" what is going on with you inside, what are your issues? People can go through life and never know what really goes on inside of them until one day BAM there it is and sometimes it is someone else in our lives( in your case this man) that awakes something inside that has been barried forever. I hope I am not confusing you to much. Take what his actions are already and make some very smart choices for YOU!. If you have problems with making these choices knowing that this man is already showing you his bad side than I say YES, you need to get some help with this and YES you have a problem here.
Healthy people do not want unhealthy relationships. They have a healthy selfesteem and will NOT put up with anything like this man is already doing to YOU. By enabling him to do so he will do this over and over again making you just as sick as he is. I know this because I am thinking of the same things with my ex, he is my ex for a reason and we had a wonderful relationship for a long time. I had to ask myself these questions to help me make the healthy choices I like to make with him but make them for ME. It is all about ME not HIM! Good luck!
Healthy people do not want unhealthy relationships. They have a healthy selfesteem and will NOT put up with anything like this man is already doing to YOU. By enabling him to do so he will do this over and over again making you just as sick as he is. I know this because I am thinking of the same things with my ex, he is my ex for a reason and we had a wonderful relationship for a long time. I had to ask myself these questions to help me make the healthy choices I like to make with him but make them for ME. It is all about ME not HIM! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Originally posted by Precious
So it asks the question of " why would you want to be with someone like that?" what is going on with you inside, what are your issues?
So it asks the question of " why would you want to be with someone like that?" what is going on with you inside, what are your issues?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Maine
Posts: 11
Patsyd1, precious, margo and Kitkat,
I am having that gut feeling now.... Did not have it prior to last week. I am working towards understanding all of this. I feel like I have been pulled into the deepest, coldest, darkest part of the ocean, with no prior experience to save myself! Still frustrated about all the confusion and how I got here. There is NO doubt in my mind that I need to take of my children and myself. Never was.
Margo, your last post was on my thread but not meant for me. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting to date. Just found a place to go today. Did not leave him, ect...
I am having that gut feeling now.... Did not have it prior to last week. I am working towards understanding all of this. I feel like I have been pulled into the deepest, coldest, darkest part of the ocean, with no prior experience to save myself! Still frustrated about all the confusion and how I got here. There is NO doubt in my mind that I need to take of my children and myself. Never was.
Margo, your last post was on my thread but not meant for me. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting to date. Just found a place to go today. Did not leave him, ect...
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4
Margo!
Margo-Quote-....Precious - what exactly did you learn in Al-Anon? You posted yesterday that you left your ex because you couldn't put up with his bizzare behaviour and bull, but at the same time were asking if it were possible for you to have a relationship in the future and that you still "get together." Why would YOU want to be with someone like THAT??? Maybe you should try a few more meetings!
Ok Margo and your POINT is? You not making any sense here ok. First of all this is a place to come and say what we have in our hearts no reason to become so touchy about what I said or anyone else for that matter. It is clear to me that you did not understand one single word I said and JUMPED to your own conclusion!
I am not with my ex because I am a healthy thinking woman. I went to AlAnon to see and understand what this is all about, I saw, I left it is that simple!
My question was very legid. So take it easy there ok!
I was reading another post on here like I have read so many of them. There is one written that truly got to me I believe it was prettywoman. All of you in here JUMPED on her, SHAME ON YOU who did! Shesh!
Ok Margo and your POINT is? You not making any sense here ok. First of all this is a place to come and say what we have in our hearts no reason to become so touchy about what I said or anyone else for that matter. It is clear to me that you did not understand one single word I said and JUMPED to your own conclusion!
I am not with my ex because I am a healthy thinking woman. I went to AlAnon to see and understand what this is all about, I saw, I left it is that simple!
My question was very legid. So take it easy there ok!
I was reading another post on here like I have read so many of them. There is one written that truly got to me I believe it was prettywoman. All of you in here JUMPED on her, SHAME ON YOU who did! Shesh!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
KitKat,
What are the chances that we are married to the same person?!?!? lol.
I too feel that my A does not want me to be healthy. He likes it best when I am taking care of him. I wrote yesterday that I almost fell for his line of how much he misses me. The more I read on this board and the more I thought about it, I realize he misses me for one reason. When he is alone, he has no one to blame for all the stupid things he does, no one to blame for everything bad that has happened to him since birth, etc. He misses me there to take the hit. When he is alone as he has been since Sunday it must make him realize oh wait, she hasn't been around all week, and my life still sucks!! It was hard for me to realize this, I kind of wanted to feel like maybe he did miss me...oh well. He also pointed out that I haven't told him once that I miss him. Is it horrible that I really don't? My household has been so peaceful this last week you would not believe it. Just nice, without constant chaos from me trying to control everything and him trying to prove that I can't control him. Wow!
Anyway, KitKat and everyone, I do feel the same. I am not normally a caretaker type person for others than my kids. But with him, whenever he falls apart, I just feel myself go into this supermom mode and want to do everything for him and take care of him, which he loves. I honestly feel that certain combinations of people are more volatile than others. Is that anything that has ever been proven? Take care all....
What are the chances that we are married to the same person?!?!? lol.
I too feel that my A does not want me to be healthy. He likes it best when I am taking care of him. I wrote yesterday that I almost fell for his line of how much he misses me. The more I read on this board and the more I thought about it, I realize he misses me for one reason. When he is alone, he has no one to blame for all the stupid things he does, no one to blame for everything bad that has happened to him since birth, etc. He misses me there to take the hit. When he is alone as he has been since Sunday it must make him realize oh wait, she hasn't been around all week, and my life still sucks!! It was hard for me to realize this, I kind of wanted to feel like maybe he did miss me...oh well. He also pointed out that I haven't told him once that I miss him. Is it horrible that I really don't? My household has been so peaceful this last week you would not believe it. Just nice, without constant chaos from me trying to control everything and him trying to prove that I can't control him. Wow!
Anyway, KitKat and everyone, I do feel the same. I am not normally a caretaker type person for others than my kids. But with him, whenever he falls apart, I just feel myself go into this supermom mode and want to do everything for him and take care of him, which he loves. I honestly feel that certain combinations of people are more volatile than others. Is that anything that has ever been proven? Take care all....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally posted by drisc425
Patsyd1, precious, margo and Kitkat,
I am having that gut feeling now.... Did not have it prior to last week. I am working towards understanding all of this. I feel like I have been pulled into the deepest, coldest, darkest part of the ocean, with no prior experience to save myself! Still frustrated about all the confusion and how I got here. There is NO doubt in my mind that I need to take of my children and myself. Never was.
Margo, your last post was on my thread but not meant for me. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting to date. Just found a place to go today. Did not leave him, ect...
Patsyd1, precious, margo and Kitkat,
I am having that gut feeling now.... Did not have it prior to last week. I am working towards understanding all of this. I feel like I have been pulled into the deepest, coldest, darkest part of the ocean, with no prior experience to save myself! Still frustrated about all the confusion and how I got here. There is NO doubt in my mind that I need to take of my children and myself. Never was.
Margo, your last post was on my thread but not meant for me. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting to date. Just found a place to go today. Did not leave him, ect...
He is still very defensive and I know there is something there that he is not telling me......you know that "gut" feeling. During our conversation, while I was asking questions, he would say" I wish you would have just reacted this way, or I wish you just would have said this and more "I wish you's".
Alcoholics, still active, dry or attending AA meetings and not working the 12 Steps in their own life are master manipulators, and will turn "anything" around to avoid taking responsibility for their own thoughts, words, and actions.
This is where the "I wish you" comes from.
If his focus is on you and wishing that you had done, said or thought something different in order to "make him" feel ok, then that is crap....plain and simple.
Drisc, if you are feeling as if you have been pulled into the deepest, coldest and darkest part of the ocean..... then feel what you are feeling, and in no way allow this feeling to turn into "self-doubt"
Being involved with a recovering alcoholic who is not willing to accept responsibility for his own feelings, his own thoughts, his own words, and his own actions......... well, they find someone who IS willing to take responsibility for their feelings, their thoughts, their words and their actions. DON'T DO IT drisc! The frustration and confusion that you are feeling is warrented for sure..... but NOT because you didn't take care of him and his needs. More then likely its because you didn't take care of YOU and your needs....... do that now drisc, and get to an Alanon Meeting.... and do not buy into the craziness of his "words" and begin doubting yourself.
Him wishing that you had said this or that so that the relationship would have worked out better for him.......is crazy making bullsh*t. And here is the real kicker drisc....YOU ALREADY KNOW IT in your gut! So stay there, in the truth, in reality..... listen to your gut, and I would suggest not buying into the "IF you only did this or that". Drisc, we are not mind readers, and we are not that powerful to make anyone "feel" anything.
This is about us getting real honest with ourselves, and not going to that place of "ohhhh my, perhaps he is right, maybe I should have said this or that and then all would be well" <------- YOU KNOW the truth drisc.... you shared the truth with yourself and us already when you shared "I am having that gut feeling now"
Trust God, and your own gut drisc..... they will not lie to you. I would suggest not taking on "his stuff", its his stuff...allow him to own it and deal with it. If this man has wishes... good, let him have them. Wishes will not cook rice drisc.
We have our own stuff to own and deal with..... we need to stay in reality.... and know what we honestly think , how we honestly feel, and what we honestly want and need to do..... to take care of ourselves.
Someone previously in this thread suggested that you read the book "CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE" by Melody Beattie.
I would suggest reading that book also....... because as the other poster shared...... My jaw did drop ...LOL
Take care of you ((((((((((drisc)))))))))))))))
We didn't cause it, We can't cure it, and We can't control it....
because its simply not our job..... we are just not that powerful (((((((((Drisc)))))))))
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: oregon
Posts: 21
The first concern I had when I read this is that you were willing to take your kids and walk away from your old life for someone you had known long distance for 7 months. That is just not long enough to really know someone. You don't even know for sure if he has been sober as long as he says. Please take your time. They can be very charming and manipulative. Please be careful for the sake of you and your kids.
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