Krispeeler

My husband is 6 months into alcoholism and porn recovery and has decided that he is cured. He has slacked off on going to meetings and barely ever talks to his sponsor. After having a son 2 1/2 years ago and getting married 1 1/2 years ago, he told me that he wants a divorce last week. We've had our ups and downs with our relationship (a lot of it due to 3 relapses in the last 4 years). He said that he has fallen out of love with me. Later he told me that it was because I wouldn't get passed the drinking and porn issue. He told me that if there was something that he felt would drive him to drink, it would be to stay married to me. Then he told me that he would be willing to try to work it out. I still dearly love him. This week he tells me that he was only trying to pacify me until after christmas by giving me the hope of working on the situation. But he still wants to be friends and still cares about me. I am hoping that someone will have input on whether this a common thing for a recovering alcoholic and is there any hope of saving our marriage. Thanks in advance for any answers you have.

MissFixit

Sorry for your pain and confusion.

1. He sounds very unstable.
2. If someone didn't want to be married to me, then I would let them go. (I know it is much more complicated than that. Just boiling it down).
3. You two have had major changes every 6 months or so (pregnancy, baby, recovery, relapses). This might be another wave of change.

Are you in individual counseling?

Krispeeler

I am. he refuses to go to counceling for anything. I've got the baby in a christian preschool that is trying to help him thru all this.

wanting

My husband did the same thing after a few months of recovery. Turns out he was having an affair. People don't just walk away from their families for no reason.

stella27

I have (kind of) been there. You and he may continue on without a divorce for a while, or maybe even forever. It depends on what you're willing to settle for.

My stbxh has the same issues, except that he is *not* in recovery and doesn't want to be. I understand that sex addiction is very hard to recover from (the porn) and that it is a long, long road.

Personally, I count myself as lucky that someone who is addicted to porn and alcohol no longer wants to live with me. I'm just no fun. And as the mother to 3 young children, I am proud that I am unattractive to someone like him.

I think you should take this as your ticket out of a worsening situation -- evn though you do love the person he used to be.

((hugs))

Krispeeler

Was it hard on your kids? I am more worried about my son then anything. Husband is wanting custody to be split monthly with him having 2 straight weeks and me to have two straight weeks. I am afraid given that I am a stay at home mom and him being in recovery that he has a good chance of getting that. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if he relapsed and put my son in that situation for 2 weeks straight every month.

BuffaloGal

In my state, the divorce courts frown on having each parent have a long visitation span with toddlers. The court mandated parenting class taught that smaller children need time with both parents more often... younger age = more frequent exchanges. Here's hoping GA looks at it similarly.

Sorry about the additional heartbreak of your husband's porn addiction-- I've been there, for me it was a personal blow way, way more than the drinking, and it took a long time to get back my self assurance.

stella27

I have a 2 year old, and he cries for Dada sometimes, but he's easy to distract.

The visitation he proposes is absurd, IMO. That is too long for a baby to be away from his primary caregiver. I actually think that your being a SAHM will be helpful to you in getting a schedule where you are the primary parent...don't agree to anything with your manipulative, self-interested spouse until you have spoken with an attorney.

And while being a SAHM is good for your son right now, it limits your ability to make it without your RAH in the house. You aren't going to be very strong if you are dependent on him for your very survival, so it's time to look for a job.

You really, really need to talk to an attorney in your state, because the laws differ from state to state, but your primary interests right now are you and your baby. Good luck.

nodaybut2day

How about trying to get one of those free over the phone legal consultations? Since you have no income, you could qualify for legal aid as well...A lawyer could tell you what your options are considering your situation (especially with regards to this whole 2 week-2 week shared custody business).

hps

From my perspective (16 months into sobriety), 6 months is still very early, I was still quite fragile emotionally then. And there was a lot of marriage stress.

Theoretically, if he needs space to work on his recovery then it should be ok to put marriage issues on hold for a while until his recovery is more secure. Going for a divorce in the first year of recovery doesn't make sense to me. I believe it is standard AA practice to avoid major life changes in the first year of recovery if at all possible.

But if he is in recovery, he should be working on putting other's needs first (something recovering alcoholics need to learn). Especially a 2 1/2 year old.

In summary:
a) Increase focus on recovery (more meetings, sponsor talks, step work)
b) Put marriage issues on hold (no life changes in first year)
c) Increase focus on 2 1/2 year old

outtolunch

Whoa. You can't drive him to drink anymore than you can stop him from drinking.

mamaplus2kids

I think the fact that you are a stay at home mom is good! I know of mothers who have lost primary custody because they were working too much. The fathers argued that the child needed a full-time parent and they were willing to provide that! Do what you feel is best for you and your child!