OtherHalf7

Tonight, I am in mourning for my now ex alcoholic/addict boyfriend.

We have ended all contact...

The last conversation we had, my own words haunt me, but I had to tell him the truth:

"Baby, I can't do this. I can't be your only support. I have problems, I have kids, I have a job, I have a life. I can't listen to you blame everyone for your addiction but yourself. Has it ever occured to you that it may be your fault, too! It wasn't your Dad, your Mom, your brother, your exes...yes, I know you have a genetic predisposition for addiction...but...I do, too! Did you forget I was BORN addicted to heroin???"

"So you think you're better than me!"

"No...I think that I just was fortunate enough to not start using. I had a childhood as bad as yours, too, remember?"

"Oh don't give me that 'stand up and fight' bs again."

"It's true babe...I chose to not become what I came from...I chose the positive way."

"Don't give me your freaking positive Pollyanna I'll pray for you crap..."

"What's wrong with trying to be positive?"

Sigh...

"There you go...you've made this clear."

"What?"

"You are my closest friend...and THIS is what you REALLY think about me?"

I asked my therapist if I did the right thing...she said...yes.

I have to face the fact that this is what's best for me. I got the "I don't want to talk to you/you hurt me/leave me alone/I don't care" message today.

I feel like a failure right now. I promised him when he started his sobriety journey I would be there, to take the anger, to dry the tears, to help heal the wounds.

The last words he said to me, when I asked if the pain we've gone through mattered at all, were:

"Nothing matters. I don't care. I will never be happy. Just deal."

So, now I'm dealing. Sure, I've had my heart broken before, and I'm resilient, but I am angry.

I am angry at alcohol. I am angry at doctors who prescribe too many different pills. I am angry at rehab centers that don't teach people how to function in the real world, outside of the clinical setting. I am angry at shrinks who see patients cattle call style for 20 minutes a session then hand out more pills. I am angry at enablers who tell people in recovery they are "no fun anymore" and "just one beer won't kill you."

He told me once, to take off the "Darth Vader" costume...(my nickname...I advocate for people with disabilites, plus I'm a 6 foot chic, so an unhappy litigant started that) to be vulnerable, to let him in, and then he promised he would never hurt me.

So, I let my guard down, and here I am...hurt.

So, when does the closure process set in?

Thank you for letting me vent.

sailorjohn

Well, just what I've read in your post and experienced on my own, it sounds like you're working on the closure process now, the steps of the grief process.

Pretty messy, in my experience.

Kittyboo

Otherhalf,
I'm so sorry for your pain. But wow, you are strong, so strong.

I don't think I can offer any advice as far as closure. I am working on that myself. And my last contact with my A was in an irrational email completely emotionally charged basically accusing him of lying, letting me down, and realizing he was never even my friend. So not what I needed to say. But it was what I felt at the time. And I won't apologize for that. Everything that was said, I meant.....just didn't want to say it in that way.

Anyhoo! I think you were so mature and honest in what you said to him. And it is common place that they will try and turn everything around on you.....that is not a reflection of you at all!
I'm definitely going through the stages of letting go right now, but trying to stay positive, focus on me....ALL of the good things about me (which isn't always easy), and yes, at times it sucks! But there are glimmers of smiles.

I have a feeling you did all you could. Now he needs to do what he can. Mine promised he would never hurt me too. And I vow to myself to never let him hurt me again.

Feel EVERYTHING you need to feel, that is the closure process. I wish I had more to give you
BUG HUGS TONIGHT.

Spiritual Seeker

Time...

Focus on your kids. Have fun with them. Communicate feelings with them.
Share with them.
Take strength in finding your center w/0 the dysfunction of addiction.

OtherHalf7

Thank you guys...it's so bizarre, looking back through letters, emails, text messages, and journals, how I didn't see this coming...the last few months, my replies to him were things like "no, I'm not mad anymore", "sorry my words came out wrong again", "sorry I don't get you"...God, I get him, more than he'll ever know.

Something strange happened today. A former lover called...doing the steps, and apologized for the way he treated me. He said I was "the one", and he blew it, and he was sorry. Wow...that relationship was brief (I caught him doing a line of coke and kicked him to the curb) and today he joked:

"Something about you girl attracts us bad boys with mama issues that need to be fixed."

Um, funny, yes, but what does that say about me?

I'm still sniffling, but grateful that I don't have to keep the pain inside

Linkmeister

Oh, God, thank you....I really needed to hear that right now!!!!!

Wow, that's awesome. That sums up closure in a nutshell.

OtherHalf7-About three hours ago, I went through the same kind of conversation with my now ex ABF as you did. All of the blame was laid on me - each time throughout our relationship when he got drinking, I took the blame for everything-I won't go into the list but tonight it was my going to Al-Anon and how, in so many words, he was forcing me to make a choice between him, our relationship and as he put it about Al-Anon - "something he could never see my need for" and how I blamed his drinking for me seeking help.

It was a convoluted, bizarre circular conversation that had no beginning, no end so I ended it-I got extremely angry and like you did to yours, I laid it on the line to him that he had to stop blaming everyone but himself (he is an ACOA) for his alcoholism. Told him to stop using me as an emotional punching bag, that I had enough. Then, hard as it was, I gave him his freedom to live his life as he sees fit, hung up the phone and refused to talk to him all evening. No email, no cell, no FB, MSN, nothing. Hard as it is to go no contact, I have to do it to regain some semblance of me.

I feel your anger, OtherHalf7-I lashed out at alcohol etc. in pretty well the same way tonight-part of that I think for me, was the grieving process, venting my anger and grief at not only the disease itself but seeing first hand what this disease has to not only the alcoholic but to us - people who love, people who care - how we are discarded as part of the progressiveness of alcoholism.

Hugs coming from me to you OtherHalf7 - know you're not alone in your grieving and sadness and yes, anger.

OtherHalf7

Very powerful words Linkmeister...that was what did it for me...the bizarre conversations, the drunk-and-dials, the chaos, the suicide threats...my older sister stays over some nights...she is my rock. She told me several times, (she recently ended a seven year relationship with her A/BP fiancee) that she has seen me cry..."you are NOT a crier". She commented that whenever she stayed with me, it never failed...as soon as I hung up the phone with him, I was either crying, mad, or asking "what phase/personality is he on NOW?"

My brother-in-law said "About damn time girl."

He then said "when did you decide to become Christ on Earth?" and "Who said you HAVE to be perfect and take crap from people?"

Wow.

I'm not perfect...my XASO, as well as XAH, and even my college sweetheart (he had OCD...boy can I pick em!) all expected me to be whatever their ideal woman is...I can't, I ain't, and...who is??

Linkmeister

OtherHalf-Right now, I'm damned tired but bed does not seem an option right now-my mind is still reeling at all that was said and all that happened - been posting and reading a lot of the stickies here again just to refresh my memory about...well, everything.

Sometimes I think I've kind of sort of mastered the detachment thing, the not reacting thing then it all goes to hell in a handbasket when ABF starts in on me and whether it's human nature or being like a cornered animal, all of the rules get tossed out the window and it's into survival mode.

My mom came on the phone just after I had it out with exABF and had pretty well the same feelings as your brother in law - "It's about damned time"....in regard to him-I think her phrase was a wonderful Scottish one - "On Yer Bike,Jimmy" - that had me alternately laughing and crying. Her comments to me included a timely reminder that all of us go through faith testing moments in our lives - hers happened to be losing a sister and mother to cancer within hours of each other, on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean and having to raise a nephew who was left parent-less and as devastating as that was, we all got through it...one day at a time. Sound advice from an 85 yr old.

Think I'm going to take that advice-one day, one hour, heck, one minute at a time to work through all of this pain and anger......

OtherHalf7

Wow...that's awesome...strength in numbers my friend, lol! My mother and I rarely speak, so I can't talk to her about this, but I am so grateful for my family, blood or not.

My neighbor and best buddy came over tonight to let me cry, and make me laugh. Only a few of my ex's and my mutual circle of friends know the "whole story", but the ones that do have already emailed and called...I need that. A fellow behaviorist buddy called and told me to think like "Dory" from "Finding Nemo" and "Keep swimming and swimming and swimming..."

She also wanted to set me up with a friend tonight.

Um, no!!! LOL

Linkmeister

Isn't it amazing that when the chips are down how your friends and family rally around? Only a few people close to me - my mom and one close friend know about what is going on and since both live so far away, we keep in touch by email and phone. They've both stood behind me - no lectures, no questions, just support. My friend has an AH and things are pretty tough there so we prop each other up when things get tough.

No "set ups" for me OtherHalf....I just can't put my head around that concept for now...for a long time....maybe forever.

Strength in numbers, yes, all things to be grateful for, definitely. XABF has no one except his bar buddies to lean on -sad yes, but out of my control.

My phone is still off so it's quiet and peaceful here and it's a beautiful, sunny day -another thing on my gratitude list. Time to take the dog for a walk - he deserves some positive attention from me today.

Hugs coming your way OtherHalf7....

sailorjohn

Isn't it amazing how so many well intentioned people that should know better are so utterly clueless.

OtherHalf7

That's so true.

I got the best email from my ex's brother.

He said stay the hell away from him.

He said now he feels he can be honest with me.

My ex thinks their family has a destructive gene pool. He thinks that he's destined to die a tragic and early death.

Big brother thought the same thing for a while, but he got clean, and has moved on, and up.

So, I'm staying away...though ex's Mom, big bro, our friends, etc. all think we are "destined" to be together, I'm choosing to make my own path right now, for me and my children, and my sanity.

Hugs and love to ya'll!

sclarke64448

Wow OH! Well summed up! My xabf finished with me six months ago. In the three years we were together he never did a day's work - apart from for a friend for about four weeks before they fell out! He started seeing someone else straight away and within two months he was working - not for long - five weeks I believe - but she got further than me. And I thought maybe she is better for him than me.

Then again, while I was giving her the credit I was forgetting he had been practically forced into getting a job by the government as he had just come out of jail and they assessed him before re-starting his benefits claim. Ironically now he is back on incapacity! There is nothing wrong with him, apart from alcoholism. But he's got away with incap for four years, he's obviously used to the money and decided to swindle it again.

Re your other ex who's contacted you while working the steps, I only hope and pray my ex does this one day. He had everything he wanted from me - money, clothes, food, etc, and the last contact I had from him, after he left me for another woman, was a threatening text. Nice end to a three year relationship which on the whole was good fun (probably because we never lived together and in fact lived 30 miles apart so we had plenty of time apart).

Thanks for your post. Every now and again one will trigger something inside me which I've forgotten about my lucky escape, and this was one of them!

OtherHalf7

Thank you...I've been told til he hits the bottom, he can't move back up. Talked to my big sis today, and her ex-husband's bottom was her divorcing him then jail for a DUI...they have become friends again, but it took 5 years, and I love having him around again.

This sounds crass, but my ex needs to hit that bottom. Losing his son wasn't it, losing me wasn't it, the overdoses weren't it. I hope when it hits, he survives, and makes it.

Linkmeister

Sometimes, when you think they have hit their bottom, they haven't. Thought mine hit his - he thought he hit it when I threw him out of our place - drinking, verbal working into physical abuse - with the help of the police and he ended up in a homeless shelter, begging me to take him back.

I didn't and he started in on AA - we started down the road to recovery - both in separate places this time. When I look back now, he never got a sponsor because (in his words) he was scared to be accountable to someone, to himself, to face his childhood pain growing up in an alcoholic home. The last slip happened 2 weeks ago and the drinking is getting worse daily.

Like your XABF OtherHalf, mine needs to hit bottom - whether he does, whether he survives is out of my hands-it's in God's hands now........

Kittyboo

Linkmeister,
I had to tell you this since you liked my statement about how they will turn everything around on you....
most recent example of idiocy! My sisters ex fiance.... use to be just an amazing sweet boy, until he started drinking heavily and taking pills.
I won't go into the history, just they were engaged, he cheated, left my sister for another girl, got her pregnant...and has been tormenting my sister about taking him back (then ignoring her ...on and on)...my sis is handling it VERY well....

ANYWAY- my example, she went home (she's in med school) this weekend, and he kept calling her begging to see him, she refused, and finally he said just go to your mailbox I left something for you...please. I miss you.
She said i'll go later.

Later she went. He left her an envelope with $250 cash. ?!?! For no reason, just gave it to her. She called me and told me she didn't want it, and certainly didn't feel right about keeping it. So she text him and said "I don't want this, you can come over and see me so I can give it back."

Do you know what his response was after ALL of the begging to see her?? ,... ."Oh, you want to see me after I give you money...no thanks, i'm busy."

WHAT!!???? And that sums up the turning EVERYTHING around on you.

OtherHalf7

Today was good...it's the nighttime that's hardest. The thoughts swirl about. This is silly, but I can't sleep in my own bed anymore. We never lived together, but, you know...the "ghost" of him is still there, his clothes are in the closet, his toothbrush in my bathroom.

He gave me his favorite ring and pendant to wear on a chain around my neck...I haven't taken them off once since the first time he went into treatment...up until 3 weeks ago, he asked me if I still had them on, and if I still slept in his favorite shirt.

That's gonna be the next step in this process, taking this damn necklace off...then cleaning out the closet, I suppose.

I feel peaceful tonight...my pastor, who is one of two preachers I've met in real life that didn't turn me off church completely, said a special prayer in the service for the ex...funny, he claimed to be an atheist, but loved going to my church when he was here. (Half our congregation is made up of reformed addicts, lol!)

My pastor is a former alcoholic and addict. He's been clean since 1986, and told me a good woman is not enough to reform a dying man...let it go, and leave it up to God.

So, that's what I've got to do.

Hugs and thanks again

Linkmeister

Hey There OtherHalf...

Yeah, the nighttime is the hardest and their stuff around the house is a constant reminder of what was - well, the good times anyway - and it's hard not to miss them. I took down his pictures, his stuff from the bathroomn his AA books he left here, put them in a box and took them downstairs. Then, I did the hardest thing of all - took off his ring and put it away for safekeeping. I cried a lot at that and my finger looks so bare but it had to be done. For me, that was a form of closure.

I had to plug the phone back in to call my mom-we had a good long talk and it's amazing how 2 adults-even though they are mother and daughter can talk rationally and seriously about what is going on with me.

Took my dog for a long walk around the neighbourhood and what struck me the most was the normalcy of it all-talking to people, being social, being myself. Oh, and my dog loved meeting the other dogs here-5 in one day and no snarling, that's a record!!!! He has been affected by all of this and he deserves some dog-type normalcy as well.

KittyBoo....I wasn't fast enough to unplug my phone tonight after talking to my mom and he got through - a very uncomfortable call for him, for me and once again, he turned everything around on me - reading about what happened to your sister's ex-fiancee - change the location, the date, the time, the addicted mind is so jumbled, so convoluted, so sick that everything gets put back on us - no sense makes sense to them.

The latest thing with my exABF is that he feels the Christmas pressure-does NOT want to meet my mother (she is coming out here for the holidays) because she "hates" him - they've yet to meet - and because about a year ago - bear with me here - my mother had a conversation with my ex husband and she told him that she would do whatever it takes to keep me and exABF apart - after shaking my head, my only reaction was to tell him that he has done a darned good job of rewriting history to suit his point of view because while my mom DID meet with the ex, the rest is total fabrication. I'm still shaking my head over it. After that little exchange, I told him (again) that it was over - No more convoluted conversations, no more being on the defensive, so I hung up, unplugged the phone and am chilling out now.

That pretty much sums it up and coming from an ex alcoholic/addict, makes it all the more powerful.

Hugs to you and to KittyBoo......

Cath

Thanks for sharing, OtherHalf...and everyone else... just broke up with my abf (now exabf) yesterday after trying for three months to make it work and once again being disappointed. we broke up over summer for a few months, of course he was drunk, and irrational and turned it around on me. I was finally feeling okay after a month of back and forth and decided to cut him off, but then of course he comes back around acting like hes changed. He seemed like he had. Only took a month or so to see that nothing at all had changed. I think I just kept trying because I had put so much energy into the relationship already, it took finding out that he cheated on me for me to finally get mad enough to walk away. Of course he screamed and yelled and said "how could you even accuse me of cheating?!" and come to find out after bothering him enough about some text messages I had seen, he tells me he slept with her last week. I feel so disgusted at this point and I have already given him back all his things and put all of our stuff away. It just amazes me how people can completely turn things around on us when we havent done anything. I'm still mad and hurt and trying really hard to just get on with my life and i know it will be better in the end. unfortunately, his parents are my neighbors so I'll be seeing him around frequently.

Anyway, thanks for your post OH and everyone else...its sad that we all have to go through this, but its good to not feel alone.

OtherHalf7

I know it's all part of the dual bipolar/addiction cycle, but, in his mind, I've betrayed him by setting up that boundary. On a good note, I got the phone straightened out, and though it will be hard not to call and "check up" on him, I am not. He's a big boy now.