SheCanRun

Last Saturday AH & I were driving to my work Holiday party & he made a comment that he was probably going to have a beer at the football party we are going to this weekend. It's at his best friends place. Best friend does not have a drinking problem & is a pretty stand up family man. However they do drink together when the are together (which honestly is not but 3 to 4X a year).

(I've been wondering about this, it's really the first time since he "stopped" that he would be in a social situation with one of his friends (he only has 2) and he always has at least 1 drink when he's socializing with one of them. AH is not one to go to bars, he likes to drink alone in basement with the TV or a book. So I knew this was coming up & was wondering how he was going to handle it. )

I commented that it wasn't my business when/what he drinks. He said okay then since "I'm allowed" to drink I'm going to have some wine at the party tonight. I let him know that I don't allow/disallow him to do anything. Leave me out of it, but to tell me ahead of time if I'm expected to be the driver. He had 1/2 a glass of wine & gave the rest to me. This is not unusual for him, again he's not a "social" drinker.

I knew it was coming- when would he start up again? The drink at my party was not that big of a deal. What is the bigger deal is that he's started up again. 3.5 months of sobriety flushed down the freaking toilet.

Today was important for his business. He had a meeting which could help us financially & help him expand his business. He came out of it pretty excited & we discussed it for a long time while I commuted home. One of the things he said was that he'd like to have a glass of wine. I let that pass with out comment.

He's now drinking that glass of wine. In the basement. Alone. All the patterns are repeating.

I thought that I was detached enough to not care. I thought it would not bother me, but I'm PRETTY MAD.

I told him I wanted to be separated at the end of Aug. I physically & emotionally pulled myself away from him. I would not look at him & only talked to him to discuss family matters. I was done, really done. Talked to my family & several friends about the separation & leaving him. I figured the more people I told the more real it would become.

Very slowly he's been working his back in. He's been kind, sweet, loving. Even when I was acting like a really big b**** to him. He's been taking care of the financial stuff, cooking, cleaning, giving me a break from the boys. This has been going on for months. He's been so sad about us breaking up. I have started to drop the walls. Talking to him again, laughing with him, sleeping with him. Being kind to him, loving him.

AND he's fing drinking AGAIN.

Just needed to rant, scream & yell. Can't do that so I'm here.

Elsie

My bofriend, whom I used to live with, lived together for almost a year before breaking up.
I moved out, he saught help, and decreased his amount of drinking significantly!
He even was here for a weekend without drinking any alcohol! (I was previously used to him cracking open a beer first thing in the morning, and graduating to mixed drinks as the day wore on, on weekends. During the week he'd start drinking when he got home)
Anyway...since then I've started letting my guard down, started letting him back in emotionally...and the drinking is increasing.
I feel disappointed and let down.
I had hinted about not staying with him if he continued to drink and he became very angry.

I just don't know what to do.

Dreamer42long

That's exactly what he was waiting for...for you to "drop the walls."

I cannot tell you how many times I have been on the same roller-coaster as you. My ABF also drinks alone...not in the basement...upstairs alone in his room. He binges for 3-4 days, gets sick, comes out of it, swears it off, is sobers up for a month or if I'm lucky, 2. Then once my trust for him starts to slowly build, once we have a few weeks of fun, laughs, and love, (all sober, mind you), something triggers another binge and Voila! Welcome Back, Kotter!!

I don't understand why an alcoholic can, after being sober for a good length of time, just go back to it just like that.

I'm so sorry for your frustration. I really understand because I have felt it many, many times myself. We just have to ask ourselves, how much more of this can I take? How much more of this do I want to subject myself to? And how much damage am I willing to inflict upon my body, mind, and spirit because of this sick dance that we do?

You just want to scream "What are you doing?!?!?!?"

suki44883

Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile. I know it sounds trite, but it's true. You have to decide what you will and will not live with and then do that. If you are expecting anything from them, you will be disappointed.

ItsmeAlice

It is just this kind of behavior that makes me understand what was really going on with my XABF.

His normal before he met me, after we got together, during good times and bad, and right up to the last day we were together is drunk. This is his normal.

While most of us might feel out of control, off kilter, and ready to shake it off the next day if we drink too much, my EX felt all of these things when he wasn't drunk. Everything he did was to lead him back to where he felt right again.

If I open my eyes to this and accept it, I understand a lot more of why he took up drinking over and over and over no matter how many times he swore it off or vowed to moderate. Life just wasn't normal for him without it.

Your AH is getting back to his normal. His normal is not the man you've been with for the last few months. It never will be. Neither he nor my XABF could be that man. They are alcoholics who may live better lives through sobriety and recovery, but they will always be alcoholics. They have to learn a whole new normal.

I am a recovering smoker for 2 years 11 months as of this week. I smoked for over a decade. I had 1/4 pack days and whole pack days, but I could only go maybe a week or more without picking it back up. It was my normal to roll down the road to work and light one up. Even if I was a block from work and only got a puff in. I had to learn a new way of doing things without cigarettes. Could I pick it up tomorrow, you bet! I even still have dreams in which I smoke. Ugh. I sometimes actually think I could smoke just one and put them away. Sure, honey.

I wish you the best!

Alice

myawakening

It's what they do...over and over again. He would stop and things between us would be good. Then when things were good and he figured he was out of the dog house...he would come home with "that look" on his face. You know the look...his face would be flushed and his eyes were red...and if you got close enough...you could smell it. Then the sarcasim and the insults would start. That would just do it for me. I would shut down and the walls would come up. At that point I became the "f---ing b--ch"! (his words-not mine). This happens over and over again...I finally left. I 'm not telling you to leave...it was right for me.

silkspin

Mine has been sober almost a year. One month in, he took me out for Valentines Day for dinner and then said that it would be nice to have a glass of wine with dinner. The wounds were pretty fresh then; I couldn't help how I felt and it ruined the night. I tensed up and then it was pretty much small talk until the end. He didn't do it; I guess the vibe was bad enough without more onslaught if he actually drank.

Next in October, we went to a Thanksgiving holiday dinner at a cottage. He was tense all morning driving up and I finally asked him what was wrong. He'd been tapering off his meetings at that point (AA) and said he didn't think it was for him, and that folks would be drinking tonight and he'd feel like the odd man out. I told him it was none of my business, and simply said that AA was meant to help him change his attitude towards being in those types of situations. I left him to it, and he didn't drink. And the night went ok - shows that it is possible to have a good time without booze.

We moved at the same time he got sober. He's been able to avoid all situations with his buddies when we've gone back to our old city; it was pretty easy because we have a toddler and people knew he wouldn't be going out, but he hasn't really had to face any truly tempting situations.

For new years we have some friends wanting to visit. One of his budddies, also a pretty stand up family man, but they do usually drink together. Who knows what will happen. We have to arm ourselves with the al anon tools, and know that whatever happens, we will be ok and we will be able to handle it. Whatever that 'it' will have to be.

One thing though - I learned that detachment is what you were doing. You felt like letting him in, so you did. Regardless of him and what he's doing, it was your choice to take your life back. This is in no way a reflection on you - it reflects poorly on him. That was a big lesson for me to learn in al anon. You opened your heart and there is nothing wrong with that. You simply must take each day as it is. You had happy moments; and you had every right to enjoy them and take it day by day. He drinks today? You deal with it as it comes, but don't regret yesterday. Otherwise we'd never be able to be happy.

SheCanRun

He was all smiles this morning, flirting, talking, kissing me goodbye before work. I'm trying to figure out how to handle it and what feels right to me. In the past I would immediately shut down, shut off communication with him. Become the big b**** again. I do that well. Then we fight.... he tells me all the things I do wrong, I feel guilty. I spend way too much time looking at my actions, questioning myself, discussing with friends etc. Blah, blah, blah. The cycle repeats.

I guess where I'm stuck is my issue of whether he is an alcoholic or not.... (if this wasn't my post I would see that & raise my eyebrows I know.... I really know. But living with him and him telling me over & over again that there is no problem affects me. I question myself all the time. I ask myself if I am seeing things that are not there. I have been hesitant to post b/c I kind of feel like I don't belong here. He does not have a drinking problem.... why am I here at SR? He'd completely freak out if he knew that I was posting stuff and discussing him.

tjp613

Wanna try this alcoholism screening quiz -- ? http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests...iz_alcohol.htm

nodaybut2day

I left my husband 2 months ago and I STILL question whether or not he's an alcoholic, an alcohol abuser, a heavy drinker, etc etc. I question it now more than ever because he's tapered off his drinking while in my presence, and I know for a fact he's poor right now and can't afford to buy lots of booze.

I don't know where you stand on this, but for me, whatever the label, the drinking has always been a problem. I feel that it is *wrong* to need a substance in order to relax, have fun, unwind, deal with stress, have patience with the kids, be a better lover, etc etc...It's dependence and deep down, I feel that it is a weakness. This is just me though, and I know that it's a pretty harsh judgment, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that this is how I feel. When I accepted that and asked myself if I was willing to keep suppressing how I felt for HIs sake, I had to answer "no". So I left.

My husband DID freak out when he found out I was discussing him in online forums, with my friends, with my family and with HIS family. He blew a blood vessel (literally went and punched a brick wall till his knuckles were bloody). There was a big dramatic blowout, lots of yelling and threats. I got scared. I got angry. I posted on SR. It eventually passed.

Someone here on SR told me that the disease of addiction needs to stay "in the dark", away from prying eyes, to survive. If people know, the explanations have to be given, excuses have to made, and lies inevitably have to be made up.

ANEWAUGUST

Hi there..

I am sorry that your roller coaster ride may have begun once more.

I am the alcoholic in my family...I can tell you why this alkie drank again.

I convinced myself I could...that I was no longer an alcoholic. That I had been able to live a sober life...the problems I thought were so huge and the reason I drank, had been solved, or really weren't big at all.

I drank because I am an alcoholic...and that is what we do.

I was sober almost six years before my insanity began again. This year has stressed my marriage to new limits. At first I did control my drinking..and things were fine. But, just as my body and mind picked up where it left off drinking...my husbands feelings and reactions picked up right where they left off.

The alcoholic has to want to be sober first and foremost for themselves. They also need to know the boundaries and consequences of their drinking. I knew that if I continued as my husband said "he wouldn't have to put up with this much longer" was the promise it was. If I kept drinking, I would lose my family.

This time, I found my way to the rooms of AA. I had been to Al-Anon because of my fathers drinking..but, AA has given me the tools I need for my recovery. I needed that support, that face to face accountability. That is what is working for me. Alot of alcoholics say they don't need AA or it doesn't work for them. This may be true..but, from my experience it isn't, if they truly want recovery and work their program.

Just sharing my experience...

Peace

ANEWAUGUST

Oh...and wether someone is or isn't an alcoholic really doesn't matter.

Part of the problem is the perception of an alcholic. Skid row, homeless drunk is what comes to mind most of the time. People have a hard time seeing the doctor, the
professor, the college student, the Mom, the Dad, the professional as an alcoholic.

That is just another sad part of this disease. Sadly, only an alcoholic, being completely honest can determine if he is or isn't one.

MissFixit

If his drinking is a problem for you, then it is a problem in your relationship. Doesn't matter if you want to label him an A or not.

member31986

I honestly understand your frustration, anger, hurt, misery over all of this. I too am married to AH for almost 25 years. However, he had been fairly "functional" until this past year. He lost his job after 17 years back Nov 08 and has since started his own company. I left worki about 10 years ago. Anyhow, he started up again this past year (its actually been on and off for 25) but got so bad I leterally had to almost carry him to docs. Doc gave him meds to detox at home, i WAS HOPING HE WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO GO INTO REHAB. Anyhow, he did that at home, was awful but got thru it swearing to never do it again. When this past month, he started acting odd. As I said, he's been a funtional "closet" drinker so he hides it until it really started to affect his health. Once again, back to the docs and mind you, no AA for him, he does not think he needs any support system-not even SR, which I told him about. Anyway, make long story short, he's been home from work about 3 weeks now recovering and we go back to docs next week. I know this recovery thing has to come from him and him alone, not me so we will see what kind of therapy he chooses, in house...not, out patient-doubtful and AA, maybe he'll attend a couple of meetings but knowing him, that will be it as I am sure he will swear to not drink again. Of course, he will get "nice" to me and want me back in the bedroom eventually, and yes I have given in in the past but for some reason I feel different about it this time. I am searching for full time employment which is keeping me busy so I am hopeful something will come up after the 1st of the year- just to get health benefits which we are paying for now that cobra is running out. It is sad that the pattern continues unless treatment if found by the A himself, or death which always stops the drinking. His doc told him this was a fatal disease. My kids are the true victims, D-15 and son 19. Whatever happens with me, I will survive, I have for this long and I will again, that I DO KNOW. I feel stronger and all the wiser for having lived this, not that I would wish this on anyone and I told my children, look at the parents of whom they marry (AH's father had a drinking problem-not actually diagnosed but his mother certainly talked about all the health problems of his dad-type 2 diabetes being one of them-so does my AH have that as well). That is a true sign of the future and they are at a higher risk of the same if they are not careful.

So, the rollercoaster continues as we all know that by living w/ an active or even sober alcoholic, things in life make the ride either smooth or bumpy. We just have to know how to handle them, as we can only control ourselves. The holidays are fast upon us which does not help alot of us but hang in there and a new year will be upon us. Thru the grace of God (or higher power) things will get better for one and all. Peace to everyone in SR, you all are a great support and WE can do this journey together.

hello-kitty

.

Those alcoholics are in recovery. There is a huge difference between being in recovery and just being sober. It's a mind set.... and it can be gone in an instant. It only takes one drink to shatter your sobriety.

Use always leads to more use. There is no "moderation" for an alcoholic... for long...

Still Waters

Excellent point. My AH is dry - but miserable. Well, he was when I left and I have no indication that anything has changed. There is no recovery.

SheCanRun

Thank you all for weighing in and sharing your experiences.

I started the shutting down/pulling away from him process on the way home from work. I cried on the way up & got more mad on the way home. We have only exchanged a few words since I got home. He's extremely sensitive to my moods and I guess he could sense which way the wind was blowing... he's in the basement and I spent all evening up stairs with the boys.

I am wondering about a conversation with him. Should I bother? I want him to know that him drinking will put a stop to everything that has been going on with us. That I can't let down the walls, laugh, joke, sleep with him if he is consuming alcohol. I can't and I won't.

I know if I engage him in this conversation there will be a fight. I hate fighting with him. I never ever start a fight with him (or even a discussion that I'm worried might turn ugly). I just don't do it. If I'm upset or mad about something I go silent. It's so much easier that way.

This time however I want him to be VERY clear about my intentions. Continue drinking and stop having a relationship with me.

I don't think he'll choose me and that's heartbreaking.

stella27

I don't think you should do it tonight. I think you should do it when he hasn't been drinking. Also, are your financial ducks in a row so that you can really separate right now? Because what if you have this convo tomorrow and he says "fine, I'm leaving." or worse "fine. then you leave." You will want some $$ for living expenses and an attorney.

Don't say you're ready to go until you are really, actually prepared to go. That's my advice. (((hugs)))

ICant

The two things that I thought of whilst reading your post have been said by other posters so I'm just saying it again:

He has to want to get sober for himself. Not for you or the family or his job or his health. He has to want it more than anything else. He has to be ready. Because an alcoholic can get into recovery even if he has lost all these things. There is no promise that any of these things/people will come back to him.

The other thing is that you should only leave when you are done with it. Don't leave as a manipulation tool.

The times I lose my serenity is when I focus on him. I have to keep the focus on myself and the immediate next step. When I do that, I'm ok. If I'm unsure, the answer reveals itself in time. When I think of the past or the future, I go nuts.

redemptionnow

This is painful to read and my heart goes out to all who are in a relationship with an alcoholic. My AW and I divorced 4 years ago. First she thought I was part of her problem and she would sober up once divorced. Then 2 years ago when that didn't work, she begged me to come home with the promise that then she would stop drinking. We spent time together when she was sober, but I insisted on 6 months of sobriety before moving home. She never had more than 3 weeks not counting the 5 months in treatment. Nevertheless I never gave up hope and was devastated when she died 14 months ago.

Your stories remind me I did the right thing to not move home. She had to get sober for herself, and she just couldn't. She was in my life for 30 years (22 married) and I feel blessed for that. I loved a wonderful woman who died of an awful disease just as her father did when she was a little girl.

For me Alanon is very helpful along with a wonderful psychologist I saw for 2 years. Take care of yourselves. If you need to detach to save yourself, do it with love. Save your hate for the disease.