Kassie2

Things are slow going.

Have been searching for info on what the first year is like in recovery for a couple. Having trouble finding stuff.

We are kind of frustrated as RAH is "just finding himself" and "establishing a new identity" and focused on himself, while I am still waiting for him to work on the marriage part with me.

silkspin

I'm not sure that there is such information out there; would be helpful though. We did attend an al anon/ AA couples group this summer, and they were very helpful. One recovering AA lady told my husband that it could take up to a year just to get out of his alcohol fog - it has that much of a lasting effect. He felt tired a lot, sleepy, and basically like his mind was in a fog, hard to concentrate sometimes.

We are ending our first year of sobriety. There are huge walls between us. We actually started talking more authentically going to the couples meeting because we heard things that helped us see our situation, and these people got through it. I have had many ups and downs with dealing with my recovery, and I recently got a sponsor which has really helped me tackle my big issues. He is no longer going to AA but he is sober.

I hear the first year is the hardest. With many years of drinking and a poor dynamic due to it, we both became very unhealthy. It needs time to go the other way too. That's what I heard the most from the couples - took years to get here, doesn't just get undone the moment the alcohol stops flowing. Basically everyone's life has changed. Especially his. He no longer can hide behind the drink and must face his issues differently. That is a difficult road for those who don't have the tools and had resorted to drinking to do this. Just yesterday, after weeks of walking around each other like roomates, we finally talked. He stills feels the same as he did, alone, disconnected, uncomfortable, feels I have too many expectations, I don't accept him. And why? I'm in recovery and act differently towards him. He hasn't done his internal work. And he dropped the place (AA) that could have helped. So, we can't help that. He has to find recovery his way.

From what I've learned, it's that we were so enmeshed before that now it's hard to be working separately on recovery. Basically as we learn to be our own, healthier selves, the small connections of the marriage will slowly start firing. Stop 'waiting' for him to do anything. Focus on you, on your recovery, leave him to do things in his own time. That's what I'm doing, and I know that times when I really live that, he and I connect better than when I try to force it.

trapeze

Kassie, have you see the book "Everything Changes"? I'm still reading it, and it seems helpful

My RAH is 3 months in recovery, and it is up and down. Definitely better than before, but not steady.

I go to Al Anon, and really appreciate the fellowship and input.

Frankly, there's so much work I need to do on myself (now that I'm not obsessed with him), I haven't started worrrying too much about us. However, there will come a time when I will, I suspect.

Good luck.

Kassie2

I am trying to figure out how it is that RAH was the one who treated me badly to the point that I asked him to leave if he didn't stop drinking - and of course he chose the drinking at the time - and I am the one he can't trust b/c I asked him to leave.

Why am I the one who is untrustworthy?

I managed the finances so that the bills were paid, he got to do what he wanted to do, I saved and planned for our future. Now, he still thinks he can do what he wants to do and it my job to take care of him. But he can't trust me with the finances now.

He behaved badly and I let it go - but he can point out everything he doesn't like about me and hold it against me.

He doesn't trust me when I have remained faithful and forgiving to the marriage.

He has been the one to walkaway or quit and he says I have him set up for failure.

How does this work again?!

CarolD

This might give you some insite......
Please look at Chapters 8 & 9

Big Book On Line

I hope he is beginning to follow the directions
from that book ...into solid recovery.

Blessings to both of you

alanonicnov2008

One thing that I found helpful about my particular home group in Al Anon, they really don't let you focus too much on the relationship. As one fellow recovering Al Anonic put it last week, "I came to Al Anon to talk about 'he' and in the process I found a 'me'".

You might find that the work you can do on yourself gives you strength and will actually help a lot, might improve the marriage without consciously "working on the marriage". At the very least is a great source of support if you haven't tried going to meetings yet.

silkspin

It sounds like he's not really 'recovering' - sounds like he's blaming you for a lot rather than focussing on his own sobriety.

Also sounds like you did a lot and he took a free ride (then blamed you when things became uncomfortable). For anyone to really recover, we need to let them to their own affairs and we mind ours. Means, stop doing things for him because he won't appreciate it anyhow cuz he didn't 'ask' for it, and you get resentful for doing things that benefitted him. And when we stop doing for them, they they are forced to do things for themselves. They finally have to take responsibility.

Around here, I guess what they call what he's doing 'quacking'. Don't listen to the stuff he doles out. Just because he says it doesn't mean it's true. That's just the alcoholism talking - they don't like anything that threatens their 'reality'.

From what you've said, he's not really tackling his individual issues, so my feeling is that any serious couples work at this point may be premature.

Kassie2

Thanks all! for the info

A slight correction and further info from me is this: situ A: RAH and I are living separately and I haven't done these things for him since the separation (1y) It is more about when we talk about getting back together and doing things together again he starts to accuse me and remind that he contributed to the household and helped me to buy a car but I don't help him with his new car and bills now and I haven't paid him back for the stuff we bought for the house together. He is right about us saving for a downpayment for the car but we both signed the loan and when he left he never paid a cent toward it again - leaving me with a payment I couldn't afford. I offerred to let him take half of the stuff from the house and he didn't want it. "Contributing to the household" I have a problem with - a married couple shouldn't be considering themselves to be contributors to a household but sharing a life.
situ B: RAH thinks it is OK for him to afford anything HE wants! but argues that it is not his responsibility to worry about me or take care of me. Recent example - he didn't like sharing my computor when at my house - his isn't portable so his solution was to buy an IPhone. In the mean time - when he is over my house he does not share the tv and I can't afford a second one let alone afford heat for my home. I didn't ask for a tv but suggested that he try to understand the situation so we can have a dialogue about how we take care of each other. His response is to refer to situation A - it isn't his job to take care of me b/c I don't take of him and then blames me for being in a situation without enough money b/c I "kicked him out". Doesn't seem right.

The point is : how do we get past this? Is he just not far enough into recovery to see was is normal or past himself - or this is more?

Kassie2

Ok, just read chapter 8 of the BB. It said stuff that is beyond me and my patient soul. I have tried to be patient, accepting, loving, giving, not challenging and done a lot of letting go. But I really can only do thisI for a short while - I have my stresses, all the responsibility if on me - I have many interests and activities which have fallen b/c I am too tired anymore. I feel alone in all of this. I tried alanon meetings but did not find comfort there or dependability of its members.

I am wondering if I just don't have it in me to be the kind of spouse my RAH needs and whether he can ever be the spouse I need. Wnhat I think may be different about my situation is that we do not have a long history behind us. We were married for two years before the separation - we both saw the problem before marriage and husband tried recovery then and was doing well before we married. Fairly quickly our lives became a roller coaster until he recognized he need help again. It was short lived but better. Less than a year later we were separating b/c I couldn't take his behavior any longer. It took about seven months on his own to seek help and he now has almost a year. I went to alanon in the beginning- read all the material - had some individual counseling and we both attended marriage counseling. Problem? He doesn't stay with anything. Even sober, many of his traits carryover. And b/c of what he reads, like others here, there is an assumption that I have problems of my own after living with an alcoholic. Well, I really don't agree b/c I couldn't live that way - I understand that he has a problem and it will take time - but don't tell me that I have to expect less than is normal from a relationship. My RAH may have an illness but he is fully functional at work and in his own little world - it seems that his real problem is living with someone who has expectations of him at all.

I think I have vented enough for one day. Sorry again folks.

This really bums me out right now. Sorry folks.