Redheadsusie

Do you ever feel like you live alone even when Ah is around? He gets off work ~ drinks on the way home~ gets home goes in his office ~ closes door~ probably hides more drinks~ may eat~ makes up excuses to have to go to the store or help a neighbor~ gets in hot tub~ never speaks or asks about me ~ goes to bed by 7:00 or 7:30. That is our life together. We can never talk about us - it is not a good time. We did have a conversation last week about Tiger Woods~ His response to the whole thing : He must have cheated because he was not getting any~". Nice. Is it just me or is the thought of being intimate with a beer smelling mean potty mouth nauseating? I won't do it. Do any of you still have sex with partners when they won't even talk to you and are drunk every night? Don't care if I ever have sex with him again. YUCK. He claims that is why he drinks ..that and just being married to me ..claims if he did not drink he probably would have killed himself. Nice Again. Financially I am ruined because of his laziness.. His family has flattened me because I tried to get him help and apparently embarrassed the family name. They live right next to us literally. I am in this foreign town with no family but him, his enabling parents who told me to shut my mouth and deal with it and friends of his who all are major drinkers. My parents are both dying...both still drinking their assess off but what are youi gonna say to people who are dying. It sucks so bad and I am spent. YUCK!

wicked

Hey redheadsusie,

i agree with you, it was horrible to have that wretched shadow of a man come and grab me with alcohol on his breath, then start to pout when i wasnt interested.
i was in recovery from a twenty year career of drinking, and he went to the rehab too, but i was the one with the "problem" and the reason he cheated was because i wasnt hot and ready for his advances.
sadly, i was relieved when he found someone else, it had gotten so bad. he was either threatening to cheat or abandon me in some way.
wow, i think i still need some help with that. yeah, being abandoned whether for alcohol or other women still hurts me. dammit.
okay, what i did at the time was learn to let go, i had to go to codependents anonymous to see how nothing i did was gonna change him, make him stop drinking, make him stop cheating, make anybody do anything.
the only person i can change is myself. very simple, but takes practice.
bring your focus back on you. you can do this. i know it.

Redheadsusie

Thanks~ You are right. I do need to concentrate on myself. I have abandonment issues too. Suck don't it.

wicked

Yep, sucks like my bissell proheat 2x!
Geez, I hope I grow out of it soon, or find someone who won't abandon me.
LOL
All in the works, while working on myself.

tjp613

I bet you every alcoholic man has said to their wife, "I wouldn't drink if I wasn't married to YOU!"

....and how many women have left and..... they're STILL DRINKING!!??

Don't you just wish they could walk in your shoes for a week?

Dreamer42long

OMG how I wish that! I've always wanted to act like him TO him when he was sober. I have this fantasy of saying to him, "I'm going to put on a little show for you!" (maybe make him think a lap dance was coming or something (LOL!!), then suddenly break into imitating one of his drunken tirades complete with cursing, verbal assault, making fun of him and his family, yelling, etc. etc.....you get the picture. All just to see his eyes POP out of his head. But I know they wouldn't because HE NEVER acts like THAT! Oh, NO, not him!!

Seriously REDHEADSUSIE: I am so sorry for what you are going through. To hear that you are not only married to someone like this, but have to deal with his enabling family and friends, and your family also! I don't know how you do it! You are a LOT stronger than you think you are.

If it were me, I think I would grab as much cash as I can and take the next bus or plane and get the heck out of there so I could totally start over.

good_luck

Do you know what's strange? I felt much more alone with my xabf than I do now that I'm single. It's something I think about a lot, actually.

Stereosteveo

Here's something a Black Belt Al-anon once told me:

"The people we chose and continue to have relationships with say as much about us, as it does about them."

Ouch!

I'm an alcoholic. I had no idea what a seflfish, sick, disgusting useless slob I had become. Until she left. Then I couldn't blame her. Then I had to look at me. Then that almost killed me. So eventually after three years of trying to ut up with myselfI went to AA.

Thank God for AA..

I'm glad you ladies have Al-Anon.

TakingCharge999

hi!

you are not alone because you got god or the higher power of your understanding with you

and you also got us !

it seems a very unhealthy environment but do you realize you are free to change it anytime? if money is an issue could you start looking for a job and save the money on an individual account? i do not have the link now but i can send it to you: under classic reading there is a link with useful tips to leave

but of course it depends if you really want to change your circumstances or if you are planning to stick to the status quo

have you tried al anon or individual counseling?

i hope the best for you; also i forgot to mention someone else you got; YOURSELF !

it sounds silly but as they said before: you can contact your inner action heroine and start looking after yourself

he can do what he wants
his family can do what they want

and you can do what is best for you too: no one else is more important than you

i hope you can seek support for yourself !! i am glad you are in SR

we are rooting for you and your happiness!!

Redheadsusie

I am grateful for all of your words of wisdom and support. I am fully aware that I have some issues that would make me take this treatment. I am going to check into counseling. I am detaching and it works~ I just have no relationship with him whatsoever because of it. I don't know if that is detatchment or not really. When he blabs his crap I ignore it. When he is drunk - he now stays away from me- so that is every night. I watch tv, play Wii, kiss and hang with my greyhound whom I adore and talk to my son. He is a Senior in High School and I adore him! I am scared to be alone but I already am- I know that- I pay 90% of the bills already~ but just knowing someone could help me a little if I fell short makes me feel better? I don't know. I will spend the holidays with my sons and my dogs and truly they are my life. I am blessed. He is just there.. How sad..... I am actually having a great day- I just had a closing- am a realtor - and my son and are having a date at Short Pump Mall ! Couldn't ask for more!