His expectations...and my guilt...

Old 12-09-2009, 06:39 PM
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His expectations...and my guilt...

Ok...I think maybe I have figured out a pattern of behaviors that he does/I do...that he is expecting right now. Let's see if I can explain. He either drinks/calls me names etc. in the evening and becomes impossible, then (in the past) I pretended in the morning nothing happened. SO....this is why his expectation is that I will, "just get over it" again. I asked him to leave 6 days ago...and well he is doing everything in his power to make me fell gulty from saying, "How could you hold my shelter over my head?", to telling me that he had "3 propositions from other women" this week, to bringing up one of my past boyfriends (who I was with when we were not an item -years ago) - all of these in order to evoke an angry response, or guilt. I am proud to say however that NONE of these worked, and he doesn't know what to think of that....he is expecting me to explode - but I'm done with that. I just informed him that our conversation was over and I was done. Today he was out the house while I was at work, and still here when I got home. I said nothng, just did my normal stuff. He made NO attempt to talk to me, I occassionally included him in my talking tot he kids etc...he said nothing. SO....dinner time, I asked him if he wanted something....he said something then got ready to leave. He was obviously angry. So I asked him what was wrong...and he didn't say much. Then, I asked him why he said those things last night....and he didn't want to talk about it so he left. A little layer through email letting me know he was "joking" when he said those things....right - it was so funny I forgot to laugh! Anyway, so then we were chatting through facebook and he said, "You didn't aske me to stay" - I said no I didn't - last night was ridiculous. He got mad, I told him which was probablly a mistake that I would give this one more chance, provided we went to marriage couseling, no drinking or namecalling. He said well maybe we'll try again tomorrow. So I said whatever - I think he BELIEVES that I will beg/cry for him to come back. NO WAY - not the new me....detachment that's the word here. I am living my life....he is not going to control me anymore by trying to make me angry or new reaction is simply to ignore/dismiss and move on. Sorry if I am rambling, but feeling a little confused, and something like everytime he is gone, I start to miss him, but then he says/does something just like I always and I am jolted to reality!
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:54 PM
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I can totally relate to your post, almost as if I had wrote it myself!

When I lived with my boyfriend, he did the same thing, almost everynight. The very next day, he'd say that he was joking around when he said such things.

My boyfriend and I broke up early this year, got back together in July, but I still currently live on my own with my kids, and the behaviour is coming back.
We recently went ona trip together, and on night #2 he got completely loaded, and wanted a little action in bed. But I was sick and exhausted(flu) so he threatened to go sleep with the girl at the front desk instead. I was extremely ticked off, but being that we were not even in our country, what could I do!? He told me the next morning he was just kidding and that he'd never do anything like that.
It still hurts, to this very day.

I'm tired of the cycle, ya know? Verbally abusive at night then the next day he acts like nothing happened. And if I bring it up, "it was a joke".
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:52 PM
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This is typical alcoholic behavior and he ain't going to change as long as you put up with his s**t.

With my wife I had to learn to be ok with her or without her. I really don't care anymore. If she can behave and not cross over one of my boundaries, fine. If not, she can stay the hell away from me. This may sound heartless but it is way, way better for me and frankly it is better for her.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:54 PM
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This too has been the pattern that I have endured for 4 years with my ABF. Every time he's be inebriated, he'd say the most verbally abusive things. Meanwhile, I'm sober. I remember all of the things he says. He however, when he sobers up, conveniently forgets and expects me to continue on with the relationship (lest we not forget about the sex) as though nothing at all has happened.

Then when I try to bring it up and talk about it, he says, "I don't want to talk about this now. We'll talk, but just not tonight." I guess I don't have to tell you guys that I never do get that chance to talk.

It wore me down. It eroded my self-esteem. It made me short-tempered with my DD. It made me feel guilty about being short with my DD.
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Old 12-10-2009, 02:02 AM
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Well done for recognising the pattern and for not engaging! It is so hard to do but you managed it. It does get easier with practice. I am amazed at how clearly I can see through his manipulations now - I just couldn't see so clearly when I first came here. This perspective made dealing with STBXAH much simpler - I didn't fall into his 'traps' as much and I could start thinking for myself.
What a relief!

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