Vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Vent
Sorry, I just need to vent a little.
I just got a letter from the prosecutor that they will charge AH with domestic violence. So I decided now would be a good time to talk to AH about what happened and where to go from here (since we haven't really been talking the past 6 days). He didn't really want to talk (was playing a video game), because HE is mad at ME for the dv charge... but ended up saying he would listen.
I told him how I saw the whole incident, etc. (not in a completely calm voice, but I tried) and said if I would try to talk the prosecutor into dropping charges, we (HE) would have to come up with a plan, as to what he will be doing to prevent this to happen in the future (i.e. counseling, anger management, aa), that I can present. He didn't really have much to say and the conversation ended with him saying: ok (to the plan) and I really don't wanna talk about this anymore today - I have tomorrow off, I'll talk to you then!
WTF??? He might be getting arrested and is being charged with dv and all he worries about is playing his video game???? So now he is acting like nothing happened again - texting, playing his game, telling me I should play the game with him online sometime it's fun, etc.!!! What the hell is wrong with this man? He just stuffs all the problems way back into his head, doesn't deal with them and pretends everything is ok... and then when there are consequences from his not acting/ not dealing with a problem, he gets mad at everyone around him (but not HIMSELF for procrastinating on the issues)!
I really just wish I could shake some sense into this man!!!!
I just got a letter from the prosecutor that they will charge AH with domestic violence. So I decided now would be a good time to talk to AH about what happened and where to go from here (since we haven't really been talking the past 6 days). He didn't really want to talk (was playing a video game), because HE is mad at ME for the dv charge... but ended up saying he would listen.
I told him how I saw the whole incident, etc. (not in a completely calm voice, but I tried) and said if I would try to talk the prosecutor into dropping charges, we (HE) would have to come up with a plan, as to what he will be doing to prevent this to happen in the future (i.e. counseling, anger management, aa), that I can present. He didn't really have much to say and the conversation ended with him saying: ok (to the plan) and I really don't wanna talk about this anymore today - I have tomorrow off, I'll talk to you then!
WTF??? He might be getting arrested and is being charged with dv and all he worries about is playing his video game???? So now he is acting like nothing happened again - texting, playing his game, telling me I should play the game with him online sometime it's fun, etc.!!! What the hell is wrong with this man? He just stuffs all the problems way back into his head, doesn't deal with them and pretends everything is ok... and then when there are consequences from his not acting/ not dealing with a problem, he gets mad at everyone around him (but not HIMSELF for procrastinating on the issues)!
I really just wish I could shake some sense into this man!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
I completely understand!!!
I think that confusing behavior must be part of the package deal called alcoholism. My AH does the EXACT same routine when I bring up serious issues, right down to the friggin' video games. We had a ginormous fight last night, during which I straight out said that I would be taking our daughter and leaving him after the holidays. Today, no mention of it... Everything's completely fine according to him. Frustrating as hell.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Lotus2009 
I told him how I saw the whole incident, etc. (not in a completely calm voice, but I tried) and said if I would try to talk the prosecutor into dropping charges, we (HE) would have to come up with a plan, as to what he will be doing to prevent this to happen in the future (i.e. counseling, anger management, aa), that I can present. He didn't really have much to say and the conversation ended with him saying: ok (to the plan) and I really don't wanna talk about this anymore today - I have tomorrow off, I'll talk to you then!
Your actions are the classic definition of codependence. Why would you try to talk the prosecutor into dropping charges? Why would you intervene between him and the consequences of his actions?
He treats you this way because he has no reason not to. You have shown him that, not only will you put up with it, you will try to get him out of trouble when he goes too far.
You expect him to change his ways when there is no reason to? Why should he?
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
we (HE) would have to come up with a plan, as to what he will be doing to prevent this to happen in the future (i.e. counseling, anger management, aa),
The nature of alcoholism (and perpetrators of domestic abuse) is progressive. By letting somebody 'get away with it' that person is then given tacit permission to do it again...or to do something even worse. Minimizing what somebody does has the same effect. He may never get help unless he is forced to and at what cost to you or some other unfortunate person who gets in his way?
I'm worried about you; please read all the stickys pertaining to abuse.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Lotus,
I agree with what the two previous posters had to say. I understand that when you tried to negotiate, you thought you had some leverage (getting him out of legal trouble). But I hope you now see that it didn't work. And I hope the charges are not being dropped. Then I hope you can pick up the pieces and get some face-to-face support for yourself.
I agree with what the two previous posters had to say. I understand that when you tried to negotiate, you thought you had some leverage (getting him out of legal trouble). But I hope you now see that it didn't work. And I hope the charges are not being dropped. Then I hope you can pick up the pieces and get some face-to-face support for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
whew... thank you for your honest responses!!!
CMC - "By letting somebody 'get away with it' that person is then given tacit permission to do it again...or to do something even worse" Wow, very powerful statement. I figured since I called the police I am NOT letting him get away with this... but by not having him tried maybe I am, huh!?
LaTeeDa - thanks for calling me out on Codie behavior! Up until today I always tried to make sure I wouldn't intervene between him and the consequences of his actions (never lied for him, didn't intervene when he wouldn't file important legal papers, etc). Hmmm...maybe I am a lot more codie than I thought ... this really got me thinking!
The reason I initially wanted to try to get the prosecutor to drop charges is because I felt/ feel like I might not be completely innocent either (my previous post explains what happened) - not sure if that's really true or if he/ I are just justifying what he did. And he didn't use his fists and beat me - he pushed me (I know, I know that's me minimizing the situation).
I also never had any run ins with the law/ police, etc. so all of this just seems really kind of scary and I just want it all to go away! And I guess guilt also plays a role in this - I feel like I am messing up his life with this - DV on his record for the rest of his life (I know he somewhat brought this on himself, but still...). Also, I fear that me not doing anything, would turn this into something our marriage can't recover from.
On the other side, I feel like maybe I should just let the court decide how they see the situation - if I truly wasn't innocent, then they will count that in.
Well, I told him that it is all on him now... if he does want me to talk to the prosecutor HE will have to come up with a good recovery plan (where, when, how, what) and really put a lot of effort into trying to turn this around! I am gonna stop stressing over what happens to him now and won't remind him of the plan anymore (he heard what I had to say, and can do with it whatever he wants, I am handing it over to him)!
Sorry if I'm rambling on ... I'm trying to process this by writing it down! Feedback is always welcome!
CMC - "By letting somebody 'get away with it' that person is then given tacit permission to do it again...or to do something even worse" Wow, very powerful statement. I figured since I called the police I am NOT letting him get away with this... but by not having him tried maybe I am, huh!?
LaTeeDa - thanks for calling me out on Codie behavior! Up until today I always tried to make sure I wouldn't intervene between him and the consequences of his actions (never lied for him, didn't intervene when he wouldn't file important legal papers, etc). Hmmm...maybe I am a lot more codie than I thought ... this really got me thinking!
The reason I initially wanted to try to get the prosecutor to drop charges is because I felt/ feel like I might not be completely innocent either (my previous post explains what happened) - not sure if that's really true or if he/ I are just justifying what he did. And he didn't use his fists and beat me - he pushed me (I know, I know that's me minimizing the situation).
I also never had any run ins with the law/ police, etc. so all of this just seems really kind of scary and I just want it all to go away! And I guess guilt also plays a role in this - I feel like I am messing up his life with this - DV on his record for the rest of his life (I know he somewhat brought this on himself, but still...). Also, I fear that me not doing anything, would turn this into something our marriage can't recover from.
On the other side, I feel like maybe I should just let the court decide how they see the situation - if I truly wasn't innocent, then they will count that in.
Well, I told him that it is all on him now... if he does want me to talk to the prosecutor HE will have to come up with a good recovery plan (where, when, how, what) and really put a lot of effort into trying to turn this around! I am gonna stop stressing over what happens to him now and won't remind him of the plan anymore (he heard what I had to say, and can do with it whatever he wants, I am handing it over to him)!
Sorry if I'm rambling on ... I'm trying to process this by writing it down! Feedback is always welcome!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
And he didn't use his fists and beat me - he pushed me (I know, I know that's me minimizing the situation).
He was arrested 2 1/2 weeks ago for Domestic Violence. The first three times, I wrote letters excusing/minimizing his behavior afterwards, so he got off with little or no time...which just showed him that he got away with it and could push a little farther next time...which he did.
This last time, he not only shoved me down, and pushed me into walls, he pulled a gun on himself, threatened my life, and used phsycial force to prevent me from leaving for 10 hours.
The violence gets worse...Chris never once has hit me...but that doesnt' mean it's not abuse. Even today, I sit here and say "he would never kill me". But had you asked me a year ago if he would kidnap me and hold a gun on himself, I would have said no way.
We don't realize what they are capable of.
Please take this serious.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
