alanonicnov2008

This is the lightness and freedom that is talked about in the big book. I have been broken up from my ex alkie for almost a month and I'm starting to feel it -- the relief.

Even if he were to get sober, he'd still be the person he is, only sober. It's a long road to recovery and he's not even on the road yet.

Take it from someone who has been in your shoes -- begin looking at what is your struggle...getting the focus back on yourself. Cry your eyes out, curse the heavens, call all of your friends and complain and talk about it. Do the needful. Life is so much better on the other side!!!

KeepPedaling

He seemed so mad that I wasn't helping him. A few times he said, "I'M HURTING HERE!" I could tell he was crying. He said, "I have to figure out what to do!!!" He didn't say I had to help him figure that out. Maybe he just wanted me to listen. But he drank. And he lied.

I'm feeling better about the way I responded now. I know it wasn't perfect, but it was in the right direction. Really helps to hear words of approval from all of you.

KeepPedaling

"Even if he were to get sober, he'd still be the person he is, only sober. It's a long road to recovery and he's not even on the road yet."

I thought he was on it though; I mean...almost TWO years. And he sounded so confident and self-assured. He started to lose all that when he started to struggle in this one class. So weird that a college course could hit him so hard. Even if it does mean he has to rethink his major.

How long were you with your ex? Did he seem "ok" when you met him?

kv816

Lifts the embarrassment, too. Almost seems like it brings out reality. Xabf always realized SOOO many of his faults when he was drinking. Unfortunately, he rarely remembered any of it once he sobered up.

Thanks littlefish....your post hit home with me. Very well put!!!

SadLittleSister

I'm having the first semi-joyful holiday season in 15 years because my brother told me he wanted me the h*** out of his life (he thought I called Social Services to have them prevent his release from detox). It is a great relief to feel I'm not abandoning him - HE has abandoned US, the family who loves him and would have done anything in the world to save him. But of course, nothing in the world we did COULD save him. He was locked up in detox for more than two weeks while the county tried to have him committed to long term treatment (they're tired of footing the bill for his frequent trips to detox). In the end, we hear that the judge did not commit him, but released him with strict requirements/restrictions: he has to attend meetings daily, submit to random testing, go to out-patient treatment. If he slips again, it's an automatic commitment.

His sponsor told us he regrets lashing out at us, but "isn't ready" to resume contact with us. Fine by me. I love my brother, but he has contributed nothing to my life but anxiety and pain for years. I wish him well, but I also wish him well away from me. Harsh?

alanonicnov2008

I knew him for a year or two before we started dating. For a year of that I wouldn't talk to him because he was still drinking and he was acting out a lot, all kinds of really crazy almost stalkerish behavior.

He stopped drinking and just when he hit his one year mark we started dating. About 6 months in there started to be some cracks in the relationship but me and my codependency wanted to work it out with him so I kept trying despite what everyone was telling me and despite my own gut instinct that something was not right.

We broke up after 1 year of me really trying to work it out, but he just couldn't stay in the relationship, was always sabotaging it. Finally I had the courage to go. We are still friends but there it will remain.

So, yes, after he stopped drinking he seemed fairly normal. But he couldn't deal with the emotional aspect of our relationship and it was torture for me. It was such a bad relationship. The first 6 months, wonderful. As soon as there started to be real emotional investment on my side, he couldn't take it.

I have my moments of thinking about the first 6 months which were relatively blissful -- flowers, gifts, romance -- and then thinking about what the last year was like, ending in a superbly horrible ending which will forever keep me at a safe distance. You just can't go back from what our ending was -- he cheated, and told me about it, a week before we were supposed to go away on a vacation I had paid for (stupid stupid stupid!). It was good timing with the Tiger Woods thing, it reminded me of what my life could end up like if I stayed with him -- without the money and the fame!

Alcoholics in early recovery (and by early I mean <5 years) are still trying to lean on something, another addiction of some kind...other people...sex...workahol...the list goes on and on. They are still trying to manage their feelings without drinking and they do fail sometimes. What I learned is that if I stayed with him when he was acting out it would just get worse -- that was my enabling. If he acts like a jerk it takes him weeks if not months to figure it out. Now I know better that it won't change but I did keep going back for a year.

Not any more. Better to be alone!

Hang in there. The thing that is so hard for me to get used to (and what I'm working on in my own recovery) is that instinct to take care of the other person, to reach out, in my case it was to endlessly forgive. It just got to a point where I couldn't do that anymore and like myself. I had to choose between my dignity and my boyfriend. I chose my dignity.

alanonicnov2008

Not at all. You are helping yourself, and him, by keeping your distance. I find that my ex will not come to terms with any of his behavior unless he really faces the consequences alone. Anything less than leaving him to his own devices and getting on with your life is not good for either of you.

Celebrate your newfound relief and happiness. Take this time for yourself and really be grateful for it. It's a very painful thing in deed to love an alcoholic, something most of us can't even deal with part-time.

KeepPedaling

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it's sooo good to hear a similar story. It makes me more confident that I made the right choice. My xbf seems so far from being ready for a relationship emotionally. It takes him so long to figure things out too. I don't think it will change. I had our vacation all booked (which I have to cancel now). It IS hard to shake that feeling that I need to take care of him. He seems so needy. He asks me for help. I feel bad leaving. I think, "what will happen to him?" But, like you, it's him or my dignity...and my peace. The emotional turmoil and chaos is just too much. It really sucks though. I miss those glimpses of him, who he was forever ago. Thanks for the reply.

alanonicnov2008

That's kind of the tragedy of the disease. Alcoholics are often unaware of how their actions affect other people...until they have already done so much damage that it can't be fixed. The turmoil is often caused by the tug of the craving to drink...I know with my ex he would almost concoct near tragic situations just to have an excuse to contemplate drinking. It's a really powerful compulsion, something which I believe most people can't even understand unless they have it.

I spoke with my ex last night and he wants to spend Christmas together...and said he'd rather spend Christmas with me than his family...but the reality is my family has been picking up the pieces after incidents with him for a year now and they really don't want to see him, a lot of time would have to pass. How sad is that? In a subtle way I have to let him know that my family doesn't deserve the upheaval he brings with him. It's nobody's fault but I can't do this to my family any more. We deserve some peace too.

I think people who can tolerate the chaotic lifestyle are saints indeed. I'm not that selfless, I do require happiness and mostly stability in my life, otherwise I end up with a sensation of having no life at all.

Hang in there.

KeepPedaling

I flip flop on this; I think, "ok, he's just making this a huge deal so he can drink" to "he really thinks this is a big deal, has no coping skills, and that's why he's an alcoholic."

I don't know which one it is. I guess it doesn't matter though. Either way.

alanonicnov2008

Yeah I can't figure it out either. I think it's a little of both. I did notice that my boyfriend used to talk about the craving to drink -- it didn't always come with emotional turmoil.

Right now he is in contact a lot I think because of the holidays. I don't want to make holiday plans with him because he always pulls something to upset me a day or two before...it never fails. This Thanksgiving was really wonderful because I didn't have anyone yanking my chain. So looking forward to some peace.

KeepPedaling

Now he's calm again. He called. Is saying he'll never drink again. He can't imagine life without me. I can't mean it. I can't be leaving him. He wants me to let him prove to me that he can be trusted. He sounds so genuine. I'm sure he means it right now. But what happens when things get difficult for him again? Will he start to distance himself from me again? Will we start fighting again because of it? Will one of those fights "cause" him to drink again?

Probably so. I'm so disappointed. I really wanted to be with him. I don't know why he had to make the choices he made. It's hard not to feel like I just wasn't important enough to him.

KeepPedaling

Did he upset you a day or two before so he could avoid spending the holiday with you, so he could go drink?