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good days and bad days....and then again

Old 12-07-2009, 05:59 PM
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good days and bad days....and then again

Ok...so I think it is day 5 of having asked AH to leave. Not so much because of his drinking, but his extremely argumentative, name calling, mental abuse. Here is what I am struggling with.....we talked for a while today. I consider myself a VERY reflective person and am willing to take ownership of my issues...which I know that I have some. For example he brought up that with our daughter I am ALWAYS in control of her. She is 1...and this is sorta true. He never stepped up after she was born because he was drinking, and I've always done it, and I do it well...but always perhaps as a form of something I could control. I owned this, and acknowledged that I had probablly acted this way...and even said why. Here's the thing though...no matter what I said he couldn't own it, acknowledge or even discuss it. He virtually pretends that the past did not happen. He actually believe that all the horrible names he called me were "justified" because he was mad...really that makes it ok?? Here is why I am upset with myself...I let him get to me. I let him make me feel guilty because he is sleeping on a friends couch. I let him make me feel like he wouldn't do that to me if I wasn't such a "horrible" wife. Why do I fall into the guilt thing everytime and he never shows an ounce of guilt for anything!! I'd kill for just 1 time him to say.....wow I do do that...I am sorry! But that will never happen. He said something today that did make sense today.....he believes that I want him to be something he is not...and maybe that is true. I am not "in love" with him anymore, but I really do hold my marriage vows sacred, so the guilt between him and my beliefs is really eating at me! SR is the only place I find that anyone understands the insanity....and can actually understand where I'm coming from. Any kind words or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
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Old 12-07-2009, 06:16 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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hi-

"I own my flaws and mistakes, he doesn't"
(paraphrasing what I got from your post)
doesn't sound as much like someone trying to repair a relationship
as it does
as simply another way of keeping score.

I'd be careful about that.

as an alcoholic,
I can relate to it taking time and healing to be able to own up to ALL we did.
But-
were *I* to be called names
then when sober, the person said they were justified....

is someone I would have to think long and hard
about there really being anything TO repair.

There is nothing that I do
that 'justifies'
anyone degrading me emotionally or mentally or physically or any other 'ally'.

Nothing.

Just offered as food for thought.
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Old 12-07-2009, 07:33 PM
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mentallyxeh...I understand where you are coming from, especially on the parenting front. I also have a 1 year old, and before I left, my XAH was constantly on my butt about how I always "got my way" with regards to parenting her. He was irked that I didn't give in and give up breastfeeding for his sake; he hated that I chose to cosleep with her; he disliked that I never let her cry it out...basically, he wanted me to put my child second, and his sexual/emotional needs first. It was definitely a control issue on his part, so when I read your post, I get all ansy.

As for feeling justified in calling you names, that's the talk of an abuser. Every abuser feels justified in dishing it out to his/her victim. Please remember that you do not in any way deserve this kind of abuse!

As for the guilt you feel, I think it's entirely normal, but let me put it into perspective for you: you have asked your H to leave because of his psychological abuse...in this regard and in many others, you two are incompatible. Here's a quote from a post in the classic reading section, from Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus:

"The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."

I really really love this passage, as it helped me tremendously in letting go of my guilt regarding leaving my X.

Here's the link to that post
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html
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Old 12-08-2009, 10:19 AM
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My AH doesn't like to discuss things he did or said either. He always wants to rush past the shame and go on because it is too painful. That and he really doesn't remember much of anything about it. So because the pain is never addressed and he doesn't have a memory of the event as a consequence, nothing changes. I've been separated a week and a half after 7 years of the same. I used to be a hopeless romantic but you can love someone and leave them. I'm new to recovery, trying to sort everything out, but I know separation is so important to break from the insanity and think straight again.
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Old 12-08-2009, 10:34 AM
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My exAH never owned anything either -- sounded much like your AH. I left him 13 years ago. Here's the thing: now our kids are 19 and 15 and in all those years he was verbally abusive and controlling with them as well. He even got physical with my son a few times. Never owned any of it. Never owned that his drinking was a problem. My younger one will not even speak to him anymore .... she's PISSED that he never one time accepted responsibility for his bad behavior and that he repeatedly chose alcohol over her. He still doesn't get it. He doesn't understand WHY she's being so "mean". Again, he's blaming everything on her, just like he's always blamed ALL of the crap on somebody else.

It's just my story, but for us that BS never ends.
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