nodaybut2day

No worries, there's no drama here. No gut-wrenching sorrow that needs pacifying or reasoning down. I'm just stumped. Again. Ok, so maybe there's a teensy-weensy little inner drama going on.

Why am I writing this? Because, to put it plainly, nothing is going on with XAH. Nothing. Hence the confusion on my part.

Last week, we had another visit, facilitated and supervised by me. My stepson was present, and just by having a few words with him while his dad was outside smoking, I got the notion that his father had been discussing our issues with him. He immediately asked me "Did my dad talk to you about custody?". So, apparently, XAH isn't above using his son as a sounding board for his ideas. So much for protecting the young...

The visit itself was fine. The apartment was moderately clean, there was food prepared for DD, XAH spent a good deal of time with her. Though I arrived late with DD, XAH suggested that we leave early "because the roads are horrid tonight". I resisted leaving right away because a) there would be traffic at the time he wanted us to leave and b) I didn't want to be accused later on of shortening his time with his daughter.

We were supposed to have another visit this Sunday, but DD was sick all week-end, so XAH eventually agreed not to see her because she was so ill. This only happened *after* he realized that he was sick as well.

So, aside from being self-centered, which is nothing new, XAH has been behaving properly. We still have to work out the whole "who travels" issue, and the frequency of visits" though. Also, supervised visitations seem to be norm at the moment, just because it happened this way. I know that XAH is itching to take DD on his own, if only to prove that he can do it and establish a precedent for it.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's worth taking an aggressive stance right now. My lawyer hasn't contacted me in over a week, AFTER I wrote her a lengthy email requesting her input on my situation. Obviously, I need a new lawyer but I don't know where to start looking...it seems dangerous to just pick one out of the yellow pages!

At the moment, I have "de facto" physical custody, and XAH and I share legal custody. He has access rights losely defined as twice a week, but those aren't set in stone.

Maybe I'm just tired and confused by the lull in our situation...I'm also hoping that eventually XAH loses interest in shared custody if he knows he can visit DD.

Ugh this seems so removed from the issue of his alcoholism. I can barely see the issue at the moment, and I'm starting to believe that he is too poor to drink...

JenT1968

Ok, this might seem a tangent, but it is what popped into my head when I read your post

When DS was a tiny wee baby, and sleeping next to me in his crib, he would wake several times during the night (as babies do). After I had fed him and put him down I wouldn't immediately go to sleep: I lay as still as posible, listening to his breathing, waiting until I was sure that he was asleep before I would let myself relax, and drift off because I felt that being woken by a fretful baby as I was half asleep would be worse than waiting for a bit to see if he was really asleep. Having kept myself awake and alert it was then difficult to get straight back to sleep when he was soundly snoring. And of course, I also knew that he would probably wake up several times during the night, so every second counted and I got quite anxious about that too, anticipating it, worried that I wouldn't get enough sleep in before he got up again, and how that would affect me in the day to come etc.

With my second child DD I would immediately fall back to sleep as soon as I put her down. I grabbed every second of sleep available. Sometimes I had to forcibly relax and defocus from her breathing, because I discovered that worrying about and anticipating the waking, even though I knew it would happen at some point, didn't make it easier to get through when it came, it made it worse.

I'm sure you get my attempt at a fable!

There's no drama, and although being an ar5e followed by being reasonable can be a technique for keeping people on their toes: don't play. enjoy the peace. He will probably throw you a curve ball at some point, but he's not throwing one now, you can't read his mind and it is a waste of time trying to do so.

get some rest, relax and smile, there'll be time enough to think about his actions and intent if something does occur.

nodaybut2day

Ceridwen...that's a very "à propos" tangeant, especially considering I still nightnurse my DD sometimes and I do the exact same thing as you did! I too hold my breath and wait for her to fall asleep, but that's because there's a tricky period where she easily wakes with any sound right before she falls dead asleep and nothing in the world can wake her :p

I guess that "living joyously in the now with the expectation that he will f*** up at some point because he's an A" is a good approach. Almost like a modified version of Taoism. It'll take some work because I'm a worrier and a forward thinker, but I see the value in what you're saying.

Thank you

JenT1968

yep I'm a worrier too, far easier to suggest it to someone else than actually do it myself!

& I'm loving the new taoism

husbandofacoa

I guess that "living joyously in the now with the expectation that he will f*** up at some point because he's an A" is a good approach. Almost like a modified version of Taoism. It'll take some work because I'm a worrier and a forward thinker, but I see the value in what you're saying.

This is exactly where I am in my marriage. What I have gained over the last 5 years in alanon is that her f**kup doesn't have to affect my serenity. I took my wife to a Christmas party this weekend. She went from out-of-control angry to thanking me for a good time, to slamming down her drinking glass to calm and enjoying herself (or pretending to) to making cutting remarks to me trying to **** me off and back to happy. This is much better than the old days of pissed off crazy for 363 days of the year. But it is still crazy. The good part is that I didn't give a s**t what she did. She even tried to make us late to start a fight. I made up my mind that I was going to leave on time with or without her. She got in the car on time.

My point is that these people are crazy. We don't have to be crazy with them and we don't have to let them have control over our serenity.