mamajama

All you Al Anon Oldtimers and Recovering Alcoholics - help me out. I have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. We have one child together and I have 2 sons and he has 2 sons from our previous marriages. (That's 5 all together -all of them live with us).

Here's the deal - I was getting pretty good at detachment - trying to take care of my needs and all the kids needs (and I work too) while letting my ah drink himself silly every night.

Well, instead of sobering up, he went looking elsewhere and had an emotional affair with another woman (and SURPRISE, she didn't have a clue that he was an alcoholic - she does now and I'm pretty sure that's over).

Detaching from an alcoholic is one thing, but living with a backstabbing jerk is not acceptable to me. I want him to move out, but I don't want to be left taking care of my three children AND my stepsons (who have issues) completely by myself. The only solution is to ask him and his two sons to move out. Ths is very difficult for me because I care for my stepsons (15 and 12) deeply.

Please give me some words of wisdom -- I do not want to feel like the monster here, but I'm also do not want to take care of his children while he drinks and cheats.

Help me out please.

GiveLove

Mamajama, have you talked with an attorney yet? There's a wealth of information about separation agreements, legal possibilities, etc. that an attorney might be the best one to ask. Sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're pondering how to change your life for the better.

mamajama

Thanks Givelove - I doubt I will need an attorney at this point, because the house we live in is owned by my family and has been willed to me, so he has no rights to it. I am more concerned about feeling okay with having my stepsons move out with their alcoholic father. They have not lived with us their whole lives (I did not raise them) and ultimately, my ah is responsible for them.

I just want to feel okay about making this choice - I can't emotionally take care of my 3 kids AND his 2 kids and myself under these circumstances.

ItsmeAlice

I just want to offer my hugs to you. That is a crummy choice to have to make. Those are young men in the making you are having to consider letting go of, and I can't imagine what that must be like.

I'm sure when you got together with him, you were aware the blended family was a possibility but not that you would one day have to break that blend up.

Does help at all to remember that you did not make this choice....he did. Clearly he does not consider you important enough to remain faithful, nor does he concern himself with what these young men are seeing as a role model. These choices are his. You are only dealing with the aftermath of those choices.

I'm so sorry. More folks will come with their experience and wisdom.

Alice

trapeze

I'm thinking your first obligation is to your kids...not his. But that's just me. I can see that it is difficult. Your kids are only kids once, though. Do you feel you would be sacrificing their welfare for your stepchildren?

Good luck.

Bernadette

I just want to feel okay about making this choice - I can't emotionally take care of my 3 kids AND his 2 kids and myself under these circumstances.

Hiya mamajama

Hmmmm, define "okay."

Are you going to feel good about this? probably not. The end of any marriage is a drag even when it is a necessary liberation.

With this situation you have the added burden of feeling guilty about your dear stepsons. But separate family living situations are a normal part of divorce. Will you be available for visitation w/ your stepsons so they can see their step and half sibs? Will that make you feel "okay" to set that up as part of the divorce?

It's a complicated situation - I really feel for you & all those kids - but it sounds like you are doing the right thing to take care of yourself and your children.... sometimes the right thing is not easy or painless.., but we can't let those difficulties keep us stuck in an unhealthy and equally difficult and painful place.

((((hugs))))
peace-
b