OtherHalf7

Upon the recent breakup with the ex, I of course have been looking back at what I could have done differently, and reflecting on past relationships.

I've also been seeing a therapist, and she and I surmised I have a codependent personality, and have had one most of my life!

When I was eight, my step-grandfather, who was a sadistic, abusive jerk, fell and hit his head. I hated him, but because I was a Christian and felt obligated to save him, I didn't let him die. I was the only one home, the phone was out, so I bound and sutured his wound, and was lauded a hero.

It has been this way all my life.

I gave away allowance to charity, was the youth leader at my church, always befriended the outcasts, and chose helping professions in early adulthood.

I never put myself first, and have literally taken the clothes off my back and given them to someone in need.

Whereas addicts get the high from substances, we codies get the high from helping others. We are at our best in a crisis, and the first ones folks turn to when they need help. All the praise, all the reinforcement I've ever gotten, was from things I've done to help others, be it from research, motherhood, giving advice, charity, and so on and so on....

The difference with this last relationship is that I finally began to realize I am codependent. I was focusing most of my energy on fixing him...just as I always did.

Right before the break-up, I heard this song, "The Fixer" by Pearl Jam (ex's fave band)...my sis and buddies joked that I could have written it.

So, am trying to break this cycle. I'm saying no. I'm doing things for me. I'm not feeling guilty for sitting down enjoying a book when there are dishes to be washed. I'm not answering the phone or "I need help" emails from family and friends all the time. I'm not calling the ex, asking if he's ok anymore.

There, I admit it...I am a recovering codie!

GiveLove

Good for you, OtherHalf! Awareness is always the first step, and you sound like you're well on your way to saving your own life.

coping123

I can definitely relate, OtherHalf7.
It took my being involved with (and initially trying to 'save') an A - now RABF - to bring to light my lifelong codependency issues. I knew there were a few... after all of my research on alcoholism for him, my codependency was clear as day. God works in mysterious ways to present us our life lessons along with the tools to help us see, understand, and grow. The RABF and I are helping each other work through our inner demons; we wouldn't have made the realizations without each other.

Thanks to Melody Beattie and her volumes of wisdom that have helped and continue to help a world full of codies finally 'step into their own'.

Thanks for this thread.

OtherHalf7

I am definitely picking up the Beatty book after I finish the Eckhart Tolle one, A New Earth. I was kinda iffy about its "new agey" message, but a good buddy, a recovering addict, has been bugging me to read it for the last 6 weeks, and it's actually pretty darn good so far! (Wish my ex liked to read, lol! And I quote: "You sent me a BOOK and YOU KNOW I HATE to READ books!!! That's why I haven't spoken to you in a week!!!!!")

???

Always something, never again, never again...

grrl77

I picked up Beattie's "Codependent No More," because it's been so highly suggested here on the forums. I got through the forward last night and oh. my. hell. It was like she was talking *directly to me.* I just sat there reading it blown away. I'm actually kind of excited to delve into it a bit more.