onlychild

Hi everyone, I am new here and looking for advice. I have been reading here for some time, I guess my situation would be described as being married for 17 years to a functioning alcoholic. For the most part, he has always been a responsible person, and has worked two jobs since my second son was born so that I could stay home with the kids. Looking back now, I guess there were times when he was selfish, with his down time and I don't think I ever really thought about it, because we are both very independent people. He seemed to start to drink more last year, so I set up an appt. for marriage counseling. He was diagnosed with PTSD and was to go to counseling on his own. He went a couple of times and then just fell apart. The dr. put him on an anti-depressant which he drank with and spiraled out of control for months. His personality changed overnight and on my request he moved to his brothers. He finally went into a rehab center for 28 days and I have brought him home, more because the kids miss him greatly. I am just not sure how I feel. Deep down I love him, he is a wonderful person with great integrity. He seems to truly see the light now and is following all the tools given to him. He has gone to AA meetings a couple of times a day since he got back and seems to be grasping that he has a higher power, which he struggled with for the first couple of weeks in the program. I am just not sure what I should do or not do to help in his recovery. I have a lot of feelings of resentment but whether our marriage works out or not, I want him to be happy with himself and for my boys. I truly believe that if you are not happy with yourself you can never be truly happy with anyone else. Depression also runs in his family, 4 out of 5 siblings have suffered with it at one time or another. I wasn't sure of how much to post so I guess I will stop here for now.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

I'm glad your husband has sought help in his recovery from alcoholism. His peers in AA and the tools he learned in rehab will help him in his recovery. While he was in rehab, were you able to get support through family counseling? Have you tried Alanon meetings for yourself?

I am just not sure what I should do or not do to help in his recovery.

You take care of yourself. Let him work his recovery and you work on yours. Your relationship will change now that he is sober. He is a different person than the guy who drank to cope with life. However, he is not the same as the guy before he started drinking. He is the recovering alcoholic guy who is learning new coping skills and new routines.

Your recovery path may include ways to deal with your resentments. SR, Alanon and counseling can help you with your recovery.

Please post as much as needed. We care about you!

trapeze

Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine. I've been married for 17 years to a really nice guy who is an alcoholic. Mr. Responsibility until a couple of years ago. He is in rehab now, been there for 10 weeks. He's still bouncing around emotionally, and occasionally I get discouraged. However, I'm trying to focus on my own issues. I've found comfort in Al Anon.

There are several good books for people in relationships with alcoholics in recovery. I really like "Everything Changes".

Welcome, and good luck.

onlychild

Hi guys, my internet was down for a couple of days. Thanks for responding to my posts. I am so happy to have found this site with people I can bond with who have walked in my shoes. I will have to look into that book. Well, he has been home for over a week now and is still going to meetings a couple of times a day and has been in contact with the rehab center a few times. They told me they follow up for two years and when they call, if they cannot contact him or me to find out how he is, they show up on the door step. I have started reading the books that he was given and it is pretty interesting to find out things about yourself you never knew either. For instance, his father was a functioning alcoholic his whole life, so he was born with the gun already loaded and his working environment pulled the trigger. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up too, although he hardly drinks now because of medical conditions, and I loved to party when I was younger. The thing that saved me from going down that road was the fact that I get really hungover on just two or three drinks so I rarely do it. I understand now what happened to him up until last year, I am still trying to figure out what happened after that. I wonder if anyone has had dealings with drinking on anti-depressants, because he turned into a die hard alcoholic literally overnight, when he started these. For instance, I have only ever seen him drink alcohol in the morning, two times in our 22 years of being together. Both times were when we were younger at overnight camping parties and a bunch of them got up and drank again. Within a few days of starting these pills, he was drinking by noon hour and was completely spaced out. It was like he wanted nothing else in life but alcohol. It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen, and I don't think he has any recollection of the last few months. I have told him to picture the most whacked out drug addict that he has ever picked up in the ambulance and that was him. I am thinking about going to alanon, but still am not sure. I can see that his personality seems to have changed, he seems more at peace. He has explained to me that for right now, he has to be selfish and want his recovery more than anything else in the world, over me and the kids and his work. I am fine with that. What I am not sure of is, if I can accept the fact that you spend that many years in a relationship and this happens, do you continue on just waiting for him to drop the ball for the rest of your life. Is that possible or am I thinking about too much too soon?

Pelican

Yes, I have personal experience with mixing alcohol with anti-depressants. They do not mix. Alcohol is a depressant. That is why there is a warning label on the bottle of anti-depressants not to mix with alcohol. I have a question for you. Why does it matter now?

I am glad that your husband is still dedicated to his recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic too. I am always thankful for those that are able to deliver themselves from the addiction.

I am also a recovering (ex)spouse of an active alcoholic. I am also a recovering codependent. In reading here at SR, Alanon literature and self-help books, I am learning to take the focus off of others and focus on myself. In Alanon, I learned about putting down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on my alcoholic and picking up the mirror and examining my own life.

In your last post, you are still focused on your alcoholic's recovery and show that you still have questions about your feelings about your future. How will you learn the answers without looking within yourself?

The analogy used in 12 step programs is "keep to your side of the street". Your RAH (recovering alcoholic husband) has his program and his side of the street to maintain. You have your own recovery (many options) and side of the street to maintain.

How will you begin your recovery journey?

myawakening

Welcome Onlychild! We have all been exactly where you are now. The people on this forum are warm caring people. Read daily for inspiration and strength to keep moving forward. You are not alone!

onlychild

Pelican, I guess when it is explained as you just did, it doesn't really matter. I have a bad habit of over analyzing things, lol! Thank you for your honest response, It appears I have a lot more reading to do on myself as well before I find my answers. Take care