Buffalo66

I suck at this work, this detachment.

I am needy.

I am, after all these years, now the toxic element. He left me and our son because I am now damaged. I blame him. It was my allowance. I let it happen. I stayed around, came back. And by coming back over and over, I created a Monster, and he got his feet on the ground, and he ate me.

I try to whip up my old self, and say positive self talk. But I am a Sham. I am needy. I miss him. I miss his cranky, sick self. ????

I am absolutely stunned and confused and truly heartbroken that he could walk away from us like this. I am bleeding inside that he is so cold and strange toward me.

I am not doing well. I am failing.

Yes, we are supposed to put up the tree tonight. Me and my 4 year old.

Yes, every year we have done it alone. And somehow, my sick mind tells me that I am alone for the holidays THIS year, but I have ALWAYS been alone. He failed us every year because he was sick and enslaved by alcohol. This year it is his "healthy choice". He is still drunk, but now he says it is his choice.

My mind is really spiraling here. I dont want to read the books. I dont want to remember my power. I want him to have found me enough to work for. To stay for. To 'try' harder than two weeks for.

not feelin' it this year...The whole holidays thing..

pray4joy

Loss is tough enough without all the Holiday Stuff.
I sure can sympathize/empathize with your feelings ((hug))
Take baby steps. I'm suffering and wounded right now too and that is the best advice I received today. So I pass it on...hope you feel better soon and get to enjoy your 4 year old and his wonder at this time of year.

tigger11

Oh Sweetie, you're not failing! You're struggling mightily, you hurt, and as you so poignantly said you're; "bleeding inside". This is one of those times when you need to try to take it "one moment at a time". I'll pray that someone you love calls you and distracts you from this thought process. This must be the feeling when people in our situation, or worse, go back to their alcoholics, or in my case, my abuser.

Somehow, someway, I got through this impossibly difficult time that you're suffering with right now. I guess mostly because of the thought that if I were to call/text/email... he'd beat me up emotionally, tell me how awful I was or how I was cheating on him or some other horrible thing. Again, as is so usual for all of us here at SR, the thought of being with him was worse than that thought of being without him if I were completely honest in my thoughts.

You are not alone... most if not all of us have SO been where you are right now. I'm still there every so slightly. He's hurt me so much, and he is poison to me. If I were to go back with him, I would die, going insane along the way. And yet, when I went with my son today to Bass Pro, I went close to where I suspect he's staying, and kept looking for him. Half terrified, half needing and wanting him and feeling so alone.

I know one day I'll not only learn how to be alone. I'll learn how to love being alone, and not want it any other way. And you will too, Sweetie. We both will. With each others' and other people's help and support on this forum, and in all the other ways we're getting help, we WILL survive, and we'll not only be good, we'll be better... far better!

Get through this moment, Dear one. That's all you need to do, get through this moment.

(((Buffalo66)))

Dreamer42long

I know EXACTLY how you feel and your words are the same words I uttered under my breath this very afternoon because I was putting up Christmas decorations alone (it didn't matter that most times I did it alone anyway).

2 months ago, suddenly out of nowhere, my ABF left me and told me the reason was because he was sick of MY crap! "It's alive!! It's alive!!"

I did the same thing you did...I created a monster and he bit my head off, pulled the rug out from under me, then turned and walked away. How many times throughout the years I told myself, "This is it...I'm going to tell him that I can't see him anymore until he gets into active recovery. But then he emerged from his 4 day binge, flashed those baby blues and I repeated the same needy behavior over and over. I forgave him. He always told me he "had a plan." Everything would be great for a month or two until his next binge. Same cycle over and over again.

MY behavior ended up biting me in the A$$. And I thought I was doing the right thing all along. It's still very difficult for me to see that our A's probably did us a big favor. It's pretty impossible for me right now to really get my hands around that, but I'm trying.

Sometimes I feel the same way you do....I don't want to read the books or remember my power or detach. I just want things to be normal!! And I hope no one takes this the wrong way, but I also sometimes hate the idea of being a member of this forum, only because it's a reminder that things are not right, and that my ABF is an alcoholic.

Having said that, I really do not know where I would be right now without all the friends at SR.

Please try to take each moment at a time, enjoy your son and be aware of the peace surrounding you, even though your mind right now is going a mile a minute. I know how hard it is to see the light in the tunnel. It's all very dark for me now too, but we have to believe that each day we will get a little stronger and the light, a little brighter.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

tjp613

I'm soooo sorry you girls are hurting I really, really wish we could all just hang out in my living room in front of the fireplace and chat. Wouldn't that be awesome? (((Hugs)))

Dreamer42long

TJP: Hey if I still lived in Texas, I just might take you up on that! lol!

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness.

CatsPajamas

I hear you and I feel your pain. I understand because I felt it too. I remember how desperately I wanted him GONE ... but wait, I wanted him back. I wanted the sick part gone forever but I wanted the good part to remain. I was devastated beyond belief when he started a life without me. I was distraught, and then I was really angry. HOW DARE HE get better for someone else but not for me??

Thank God for Al Anon and for healthy recovery friends. I learned that I didn't need to let him and his angry words define me. I learned that I deserved a better life. I learned that I was going thru the grief process. I grieved the loss of my marriage and the loss of the dream. I also learned that the grief would pass in time.

Hang in there. I promise you there is light and life on the other side. I found it and so can you.

Janitw

Hunny you are simply going through a transition. And there will be many more ahead of you and with those future ones comes strength from way deep inside of you that you forgot was even there. Its the strength of the girl that you were before him. And believe me when I say that you will recognize her when you see her. Unfortunately thats when the A comes back and tries to swoon you right off your feet. The question is when it happens and I say when not if, will you be to the point of no return? I venture to say that you probably will be. In the meantime stand strong for that little one of yours and show him/her the true backbone that I know you have.

Hugs to you
Janitw