Here I am AGAIN
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Here I am AGAIN
After a few months of sobriety, AH back at it again. Went thru detox at home in May with meds from doc. It was an awful experience and I was surprised doc did not commit him to rehab. Anyway, long story short, got thru it and he was fine until I think Sept -Oct. when I noticed behavior change. I questioned him and of course we all know the answer to that one. NO, never going thru that again. He was not in any therapy as suggested by doctor either which deep down I knew in a matter of time it probably would come back. He lost his job about a year ago after 17 years, and started his own company, so we are paying our own health insurance (its amazing he even got that) and I am looking for a full time job. Been out of workforce for about 10 yrs. now to raise the kids d is 15, sophmore, son is 19, college. They are both aware of the situation as I no longer hide it.
Quick question, he still is acting under the influence somewhat, so I am not sure if he is still drinking or not. He was in bed for the most part these last few days after I caught him-trying once again to quit... He came home on Thurs of this past week after meeting a friend for coffee and smelled like it...so I in front of him searched his car and found it. Of course he was denying it the whole time. My parents are still alive and they told me they has supected it for a while now. he is 50yrs old, type 2 diabetic, overweight, red face....well you get it and very low self esteem- feels like a failure.
Yes, I know to take care of myself and kids which I am doing, but last night in bed he so wanted "to cuddle", you know...of course I remained stedfast face down not really saying a whole lot. He was trying to convince me there would be no sex just togetherness. I know when he drinks sex is wanted much more than normal so I questioned his behavior. He was getting frustrated with me before I even went to bed on various things...my d and I discussed it...was he or wasn't he and is this just part of the w/d? You would think I would know this by now after having lived it more than 20 years. He did go into in house rehab 20 years ago but now I am not sure where he belongs. I have told him "the bottle" is the other woman in his life and he can't have both. I do not want to separate as it would be devistating to my daughter, who has fully recovered from anorexia, and is a very good and well liked student. I would fear that could resurface and I would never forgive myself for that so I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together.
My AH is not an abusive drunk, just one who trys to hide it...he definitely had me fooled for a while but I attribute that to lving with the disfunctional behavior for so long it has become the norm. I know it will take his life if something does not change - I am strong but how will my kids handle that??
Comments welcome...rambled enough...thanks to all
Quick question, he still is acting under the influence somewhat, so I am not sure if he is still drinking or not. He was in bed for the most part these last few days after I caught him-trying once again to quit... He came home on Thurs of this past week after meeting a friend for coffee and smelled like it...so I in front of him searched his car and found it. Of course he was denying it the whole time. My parents are still alive and they told me they has supected it for a while now. he is 50yrs old, type 2 diabetic, overweight, red face....well you get it and very low self esteem- feels like a failure.
Yes, I know to take care of myself and kids which I am doing, but last night in bed he so wanted "to cuddle", you know...of course I remained stedfast face down not really saying a whole lot. He was trying to convince me there would be no sex just togetherness. I know when he drinks sex is wanted much more than normal so I questioned his behavior. He was getting frustrated with me before I even went to bed on various things...my d and I discussed it...was he or wasn't he and is this just part of the w/d? You would think I would know this by now after having lived it more than 20 years. He did go into in house rehab 20 years ago but now I am not sure where he belongs. I have told him "the bottle" is the other woman in his life and he can't have both. I do not want to separate as it would be devistating to my daughter, who has fully recovered from anorexia, and is a very good and well liked student. I would fear that could resurface and I would never forgive myself for that so I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together.
My AH is not an abusive drunk, just one who trys to hide it...he definitely had me fooled for a while but I attribute that to lving with the disfunctional behavior for so long it has become the norm. I know it will take his life if something does not change - I am strong but how will my kids handle that??
Comments welcome...rambled enough...thanks to all
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I don't understand your question. Is there one?
This is what I get from your post. Please clarify if I have misunderstood.
His drinking is not acceptable, but it is not a deal breaker. Therefore, he may still be drinking but having to hide it from you.
You are discussing his irratic behavior with your 15 yo, trying to determine if this is normal alcoholic behavior or one of the ism's of alcoholic withdrawal.
You are staying in a disfunctional marriage that is not fulfilling to either partner to prevent your daughter's anorexeric relapse.
You are willing to do whatever it takes to keep this marriage together.
Therefore, my question to you is what steps are you taking to make this marriage work?
You have pointed out what is not working in the marriage. Trust and intimacy are not there. What steps are you taking to rebuild trust and re-establish intimacy?
In my relationship with AXH, I stayed home for 12 years to raise the children. My children are teens and a young adult now. I realized that I could no longer live with the same old, same old and I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I started out with the first job I could find. Then I accepted a second job. I found that for every step I took toward seperating myself from alcoholism, my HP was guiding my path and opening doors.
I too shared information with my children about alcoholism. My motto: Keep it Simple, just the facts. I explained how some people are normal drinkers and some are alcoholic drinkers. I explained how a body becomes addicted to alcohol. (Under The Influence is a terrific resource) Science believes that some people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Therefore, my children are at risk and need to be aware that alcohol consumption should be handled with caution.
I found that my support groups (SR and Alanon) were supportive and understanding of my other concerns with living with an AH. I try to keep my personal complaints away from the ears of my children. IMHO, it is unfair to put adult issues onto a child - especially issues about their parent.
This is what I get from your post. Please clarify if I have misunderstood.
His drinking is not acceptable, but it is not a deal breaker. Therefore, he may still be drinking but having to hide it from you.
You are discussing his irratic behavior with your 15 yo, trying to determine if this is normal alcoholic behavior or one of the ism's of alcoholic withdrawal.
You are staying in a disfunctional marriage that is not fulfilling to either partner to prevent your daughter's anorexeric relapse.
You are willing to do whatever it takes to keep this marriage together.
Therefore, my question to you is what steps are you taking to make this marriage work?
You have pointed out what is not working in the marriage. Trust and intimacy are not there. What steps are you taking to rebuild trust and re-establish intimacy?
In my relationship with AXH, I stayed home for 12 years to raise the children. My children are teens and a young adult now. I realized that I could no longer live with the same old, same old and I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I started out with the first job I could find. Then I accepted a second job. I found that for every step I took toward seperating myself from alcoholism, my HP was guiding my path and opening doors.
I too shared information with my children about alcoholism. My motto: Keep it Simple, just the facts. I explained how some people are normal drinkers and some are alcoholic drinkers. I explained how a body becomes addicted to alcohol. (Under The Influence is a terrific resource) Science believes that some people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Therefore, my children are at risk and need to be aware that alcohol consumption should be handled with caution.
I found that my support groups (SR and Alanon) were supportive and understanding of my other concerns with living with an AH. I try to keep my personal complaints away from the ears of my children. IMHO, it is unfair to put adult issues onto a child - especially issues about their parent.
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