kv816

I have a lot of anger and I'm struggling to let it go. It's all because I just don't understand. I don't understand any of this!!! I go to a few f2f meetings and I'm here all day, every day, every single chance I get. I listen to everything and I read everything on here and I have three books and Codependent No More and the more I hear, the more I read, the more I relate...the angrier I get!!!

I'm fighting off the urge to go see xabf. I want to look him in the eye and tell him how angry I am. How upset, sickened, disappointed and just royally ticked off I am at him. I want him to know how much he hurt me and I want it to hurt him. I want him to feel unbelievably miserable for all the pain he has caused me.

But I keep going back to a letter someone sent me two years ago. The one line that always, always makes me cry says "Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself." I realize that as much I want him to hurt and feel awful for the way things have turned out, I don't want to be the reason for him hurting.

I guess I'm just angry. I've been angry for a few days now and I can't seem to let it go. I know it's okay to be angry. But I'm letting it linger. And I've turned into a hateful person, having no compassion for anyone anymore.

Kittyboo

Ugh! I had to write you back, because I FEEL EXACTLY the way you do. You are not alone.
I understand exactly what you mean. Not being able to let go of this anger...which causes pain, which creates anger, which creates pain...it's such a fun ride!

I have had no contact for over 2 months, which is really good, I know deep down the longer I have no contact the closer I am to moving past this pain. But sometimes I feel like I have so much pain because I want to call him and I too want him to know how much pain he caused me, and mostly that I know he is such a liar! That's my biggest thing, that I feel like he got away with something.
Here I am crying almost every day after he just had no more use to me and is now being comforted by his ex...now his girlfriend again.
So he gets away with using me until he was done, and now he gets the happy life that he wants!??? It's so infuriating.
He brought so much pain into my life, yes yes yes, I want him to know it.

BUT BUT BUT, that does not help me. I know ultimately a confrontation like that would just prolong the pain. And you don't have to tell someone they are a liar for them to know it.

Ironically I have sat here the past couple of days wanting to come here and vent exactly what you are feeling, I just didn't know how to express it. You took the words out of my mouth.

And I doubt you have no compassion for people. Your passionate anger is towards one person, and you have a right to be angry about it. Sometimes I feel like it lingers too....but I am just trying to process it, and let it pass, no matter how many times it needs to. I hope it ends soon....good grief! He has gotten enough of my soul.

I try so hard to remember that the best revenge is happiness. I'm trying so hard to do things that will better my life, and make me happy. The anger is hard. Process it, try not to let it consume you, write it out, burn it.....

You know, I try to remember too that I blocked him on fb over a month ago. Whenever i'm thinking that I want him to know what a royal jerk he is, I just remember that blocking sent enough of a message. Basically, that says, I don't want to look at your picture, and I don't want you to contact me.

I use to feel the way you do, about not wanting to be the reason that someone is hurting. BTW- that means you are still a compassionate person. But I will say, I have no desire to protect my XA's feelings anymore....he had absolutely no regard for mine, why should I care about his??
Certainly, I will not go out of my way to hurt him, or anyone. But also, I will not protect him anymore, I did that for TOO long.

Give yourself a hug, you are not alone in your feelings. Day by day.....this feeling shall pass.

Dreamer42long

KV816, I know EXACTLY how you feel. In fact, your explanation of why you want to go see him is exactly why I did go see my ABF. I wanted him to see how much pain I was in and I wanted to hurt him as much as I was. It ended up being a total disaster. I lost it and I was mortally ashamed immediately afterwards and for a few days following.

It was only the kind words of everyone here who made me realize that even though I made a HUGE mistake, it was only just that. A mistake.

I LOVE those sentences in the letter your friend wrote: "Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself." If I read that before I went to my ABF's house, I just may have mustered the strength to stay away.

I also read here once: Before you [send that email], [call], [go over], wait an hour. You may find that your anger subsides and you can 'let it go.' Remember, Alanon teaches us, "Let go and let God."

Keep us posted on what you decide... I wish you peace....

Daisy30

((((hugs))))
I know the feeling. I had flames coming out of my head anger at my AH.

Then someone told me this about anger: Anger is just me fighting acceptance about a certain situation.

It is so true. Once I am able to logically accept my circumstance, the anger is gone. It takes time and a lot of self talk

For example take my recent post about my BIL, I was angery at him.....why? What was I failing to accept? Once I realize that I have no control over him or his thoughts. I a can accept my situation for what it is. THen the anger goes away. It is very freeing!

I hope this makes sense

ETA: Someone once told me this too, "bitterness is like taking poison myself and waiting for the other person to die".

This really rings true for me. I know when I was feeling angry and bitter, I was really only hurting myself.

Take care of you

FindingPeace1

In Buddhist monk would say, just observe the anger with detachment/without judgment. You are not your anger.

Byron Katie would say, "I trust EVERYONE...to do what they will do."
I Love that! Our upset arises from our inability to accept reality. That doesn't relate to what choices we make. It just relates to our thoughts about it.

heavenlyone

I feel exactly the same way

I just feel full of the anger!!
I'm with you!!

KeepPedaling

I read this post and the comments and it made me start thinking about my own anger. I'm one of those women who's not afraid to express anger. Anger is such a strong feeling. So many times in the past, I felt like if I didn't use anger to protect me, if I actually let the hurt get through, I'd fall to pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I started thinking about it, did a little research, and got myself ANOTHER self-help audio-book this month called, "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships." So far, it's fantastic.

Has anyone read it?

tlc21

Gosh, Im so angry too, it's unbeliavable, and I never thought I would feel this way. Sure I was so angry during the time dating the abf of mine, when he was going to the liquor store and so on.. and I just let the frustration out in frustration/anger outbreaks, bcuz of him going to the store, for not wanting him to do it to himself..... and so angry on him for so many resons, always blaiming him for what HE did TO ME, but as he said, 'never blame me for anything, of what you do/ore didn't' and thats true, because we have a choiche and I've a responsible of my own life, and I can't let him control it. If I'm not happy with anything, I can just leave, I 've a choice: so don't blame anyone else for your life turning out the way it did.(my lesson nr1)

Only thing that scares me, is that I'vent been so angry since that....when I decided never to blame him again.... and it's so scary because he still does things that annoy me, but I can't do anything about it, and I don't even get angry anymore. And I use to be so angry before, I even throw out the phone from the balcony, I was close to hit him, and so on...and all this anger that use to bubble inside me, it's just gone. And what scares me is that I don't know if it's a healthy sign ore not (if I'm just suppressing my anger, ore if its really gone?(that I don't really care anymore).

Anyway, now when we 've more ore less 'getting/going apart' I still feel some anger ore maybe more bitterness, because he told me so many times to ***k off, and so on, and I feel that I'm just waiting for the moment where my chance comes to tell him to ***K off and go to hell, and I can just let all the anger/bitterness out. And tell him how fu**ed up he is and how much pain he caused me, and that he's such a pain in the ***. He doesn't annoy me anymore, but Im just upset and angry because things is not the way I expected, I expected more of him, I expected that I would ave came in the 1s place not his stupid computer, not he's friends, not his xgf's -but ME. But I know you ave to love unconditonally and not expect anything back, but it makes me angry, because I did expect so much more.

Thank you for sharing.Feels so much better now!!and for letting my true feelings out

tlc21

and one last thing....what else im angry about...........that im so stupid..... Loving him and wanting him,and wanting to come in the 1st place in his life.and still suffocatting him.Im so stupid.but I guess im just angry(because my whises/expectations doenst conceed(?) with the reality.

Thank you for sharing.

kv816

I don't know if none of that helps because none of it helps or if it's because I'd just much rather be angry right now over accepting that it's okay to be angry, I'm not alone and all will be fine. Eventually.

Gawd I'm so sick and tired of that f-in word. Eventually. Everything with him was eventually. He wants to quit drinking, and he will quit drinking. He just wasn't ready at the time of the conversation. He'd quit....eventually. He wanted me to move back in, and I would be moving back in and it'd be much sooner than I thought. It was gonna happen.....eventually. Everyone falls behind in their bills. We'd figure it out and get ahead. We just gotta keep trying. It'd happen....eventually.

I'm angry because he's a damn idiot!!! When you have 4 DUI's, you don't drink a case and get behind the wheel! When you're attorney dropped your case for nonpayment and you have another court hearing coming so you work it out that he stays on with you--you don't a couple months later not pay him anymore! When your probation says court referral every month or go to jail, you go to court referral and if you don't, you don't bitch about going to jail!

DUH!! When you're hungry, eat. When you're cold, warm up. When you're tired, go to sleep. When you're wife says jump YOU ASK HOW HIGH!!!

Is that really so hard to understand???

Ugh....I'm trying to reason with the unreasonable. Make sense out of someone who is unsensable. I need to stop.

I just hate knowing someone out there who's throwing his life away and not knowing why. I need things to make sense to me. One of my many flaws. I'll rack my brain day and night trying to make sense of any situation. It's stupid of me.

Thanks guys. It is nice knowing I'm not alone with the anger. I want it to go away. Maybe it's just a grieving stage. Last thing xabf said to me is, "you have nothing that I want". I know he was angry and upset (and drunk) when he said it and if I called him he'd say that's what it was and he didn't mean it and he's sorry. But I think that'd just make me more angry.

I guess I too just want my chance to look at him and say "F*ck YOU!". But I know that wouldn't help.

Dreamer42--that letter I was referring to I'm pretty sure is up in the stickies. It's something like a letter from the alcoholic to my wife I think. If you can't find it, let me know. I'll email it to you!

tlc21

edit: that my whises/expectations doesn't match with the reality* (to make it more clear).
Well, anyway, I'm heading for my alanon meeting today. I hope it helps. I hope it helps me to let go. and to ventilate a little bit of this anger lmao

kv816

Sounds like a good plan. I'm walking out the door.

LovetoLaugh

1 This is exacty what I've been doing, trying to make sense of this whole situation. I analyze the whole relationship, trying to figure out his thoughts, feelings, and actions.

It truly makes you insane. It makes me question whether this whole thing was some illusion in my head because there was no continuity. He loves me, he hurts me, hes planning our future, he's hanging up on me etc.....

It all comes down to what you said above, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable. Theres no making sense out of someone unsensable.

Today after no contact on either side for the last few weeks I went to his house to drop off his remaining things (sick of seeing them every day). He said to me whats the rush in getting rid of my stuff? I told him we broke up no reason for me to have it. Then he starts showing me things hes done around his house, all very normal like we spoke yesterday.

I tell him I'm leaving and he suddenly says he is still waiting for an apology. He feels hes owed an aology because I called a plumber a few weeks ago istead of letting him fix something for me and hes insulted. I told him I've been waiting for multiple apologies for his behavior for the last year, whatever I left.

The anger hit me when I realized again with all my detaching and trying so hard to get through each day "No Contact" this whole time his perception was that He wasn't talking to me because I hadn't apologized. WTF!

I'm so done with these games. We're both in our forties. Its like dealing with a child although thats insulting to children , they have more sense then him.

Anyway I can see its over for us because theres nothing left but this tit for tat crap. I welcome the anger at least temporarily, it fuels me to stay away from this mess. Hopefully it will turn into acceptance and then he will become someone I use to know!

Remember you've not turned into a hateful person without compassion. If you had it wouldn't hurt so bad!