Lotus2009

Hi all...

the insanity that follows AH's drinking never seizes to amaze me. AH has been of and on the wagon for the past 2 or so months... he usually makes it for about 7-13 days without a drink and then starts another binge, followed by another period of abstinence and half-hearted attempt at group therapy.

Well, AH and I had the greatest time for almost two weeks until he started drinking again on wednesday. I have been somewhat stressed lately (with studying, etc.) and have noticed that I get very impulsive especially if I'm tired and/ or hungry (maybe partly due to the new birth-control pill?? idk). Anyways, on thursday night after class (hungry and tired), I let him get to me again. It started out with a stupid arguement (because I didn't turn the lights off in the kitchen and then changed the tv channel when he took my laptop). Anyways, we just fed off of each other...lots of verbal abuse... one thing led to another and then he pulls out his intimitating posture (builds himself up standing in front of me with his face a centimeter away from mine)... of course I didn't keep my mouth shut, wasn't intimidated and told him exactly what I thought of him. So then he shoved me and I responded by kicking him in his private parts (not the best of responses, I know, but at that point I just snapped ... nobody gets to lay their hands on me... and if they do I will fight back - ha bad survival technique if I'm in a no-win situation). He crouched down in pain and next thing I know, pushes me backwards, unfortunately right into a big plant... I fall, and he pushes my face into the floor for a second and then lets go.

I took his keys and then told him if he didn't leave I would call the cops on him. Well, he refused to leave without his keys, so I called the police. He ran before the police got here and I told the officer that I didn't need anyone to come out, because AH had left and that's all I wanted. However, they had to come out anyways to check up on me. After I told them what happened, they informed me that this would automatically be transferred to a prosecutor and I do not get to decided whether I want to make a charge against AH (also I can't drop a charge - only the prosecutor can).

It really wasn't my intent to charge AH with DV (I just wanted him out of the house) mainly because I am not innocent here either... we both ended up being physically violent. So, I guess I am just wondering how in your experiences, these cases turn out? Can he really be charged even if we were both equally violent? Shouldn't they either charge both of us or neither of us?

Also: does anyone know of any good online articles that deal with a "victims" violent backlashes (I am really appalled by my reactions - the fact that he started the fight, doesn't give me the right to hurt him)?

laurie6781

You are MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. He had NO RIGHT to shove you the first time. Yes it escalated because you were DEFENDING yourself.

His ACTIONS, his CONSEQUENCES. I would suggest you get an Order of Protection, as this will escalate.

Each state is different as to what he is facing in Court. IF and when the Prosecutor talks to you, PLEASE do not try to 'soft soap' what he did. That is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!

Oh and btw way it rarely if ever gets better, only WORSE.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

pray4joy

I had a similar experience. It was one of my most shameful days but my anger and defenses were heightened.
In our case, once I called the police (CT) they told me that we would both be arrested for "disorderly conduct." We would both have to go to family court and once I was able to explain about the alcoholism I was able to get a restraining order to keep him out...the counselor in family court required full disclosure about the relationship issues in order to make a recommendation to "nollie" charges (wipe them clean)
.
Now do you want to know that this was the relationship BEFORE the one I'm in now and getting ready to leave...guess I'll never learn (I'm an A magnet!) but truthfully it was beneficial to have police & court involvement because it acted as a neutral 3rd party that took absolutely no SH*T from either of us...

As for the AH and I now we have had a few days of peace, and I have found this site (even though he smells horrible so I know he has been sneaking)...as I plan my exit from the relationship with a cooler head this time. I am so greatful for everyone being here.

I can empathize with the experience you are in...the level of anger and frustration...if you can start going to f2f meetings or some free counseling for yourself DO SO NOW as it will help in your court case and your well being until things begin to resolve and you can have some peace. Take care of yourself. and Take heart. D

isurvived

You are minimizing this situation. It is domestic violence, and it WILL escalate in due time. The courts have a duty to proceed, because there are so many cases like this where one party wants to drop the proceedings... battered women's syndrome... they even have a name for it! (could be a battered men's syndrome too).

Maybe time to spend some time apart. Sounds like he needs a program not only for his alcohol issues, but anger management as well.

ICant

I used to leave the house when I knew it was going to be a no-win argument. There is no point. I got a motel room and I knew I was safe. At that time in our marriage, he got the message and pulled back from drinking too much but he still was control drinking. Well you know how that goes and three years later I was at the same point again where even though I hadn't argued with him whilst drinking or whilst sober, he was standing over the top of me ready to hit me again. There is nothing I can do to contol the drinking but those times I did leave the house kept me sane.

Lotus2009

Laurie - thank you for your post. Maybe I am somewhat making excuses, but I also don't want to neglect to look at my part in this (because I really wasn't innocent and I dished out just as much as he did). I do think he got the message though - he knows now that me telling him that I will call the cops is not just an empty threat anymore and that I will do it again - thus I don't think it will get worse (or hope it doesn't). I really do appreciate your concerns and honesty!!!

Bucyn - good point - I didn't really look at it this way - he might still get into trouble though, because he never paid off what he owed for his 2nd DUI.

pray4joy - thanks for sharing your story! It's good to hear that I'm not alone in this and that others have been where I am now. Also good to hear of what might happen next, if the prosecutor does charge him/ or us! I'm not sure if they would come after me - the officers really just wanted to get him and the fact that AH ran doesn't really put him in a good light. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.. argh, I hate uncertainty.


As of now, I am not leaving (yet). We are staying in different rooms when he is drinking though. I know many of you might think I'm stupid for staying, but I am just not ready to leave.

husbandofacoa

It all depends on your state. In mine, someone goes to jail...period. Rightly or wrongly, it is usually the man. In this case is sounds like he deserves it.

Police spent too many years dealing with violence in the home only to have the charges dropped later. Those days are over. If someone calls the police and it looks like violence has taken place, someone goes to jail.

My wife used to beat on me. I knew some people who wound up in jail on domestic violence charges and I realized that it could be me even though she was the major aggressor. I finally told her (and I damned well meant it), hit me again and your are going to jail. Better her than me since she was the aggressor.

In your case, better him than you. He started it and he continued it. More important, he could really hurt you one day. HE NEEDS TO BE STOPPED NOW!!!

steve11694

Some states/jurisdictions have a "zero tolerance" policy. Meaning 1 or all parties get arrested automatically. Seems this resulted from prior events such as one spouse hurting or killing the other after the police left. Sadly tru but much of domestic violence is alcohol/drug related. Even though the chance of one spouse hurting or killing may not be high, even in police judgement, they arrest automatically. Also there were cases of one spouse threatening the other as a way to get charges dropped.

If being UNABLE to drop charges or never make charges is not written into local statute/law, it may be possible to have a lawyer help to get charges dropped.

So even if you are cool and concise and explain what happened and in your own words don't feel you were innocent either and it is just a regrettable event, perhaps the prosecutor can stop it before it gets more complicated.

Also, since you didn't mention anything, I assume he has not been violent in the past and this was an isolated event.

Yes, I know this will bring out a lot of emotion in those that have suffered with violence and nothing I say is intended to minimalize their feelings.

Lilyflower

Many people who suffer abuse begin to rationalise and diminish it. Many who are physically abused, lash back.

That is NOT abuse

I have done the exact same thing as you (kicked him in the privates whilst he was pinning me to the floor attacking me) my self preservation had kicked in and I couldn't get him off me, I was frightened he would hurt me and I didn't know where he would stop if he started. I got punched in the head (just behind my ear) as a reward for my action.

Abf used this as the justification for his hitting me. It did not mater that I had acted out of fear. For a long time, I believed him. If I hadn't have hit him he wouldn't have hit me.

However, his pushing and shoving me, holding me down, locking me in rooms until I succumed to his wants were all acts of violence and physical abuse.

There is no justification what so ever to treat a human that way.

And that is the defining point - my physical retaliation to him was an act of self preservation done out of fear for myself.

His act of violence was always a way to control and force me to act in a way he thought I should behave. It was punishment for not complying to his every whim.

He knew it was wrong, which was why he justified his actions and blamed me.

An abuser depends upon the fact that you are on the brink of hysteria, that you retaliate. That way, if you ever get through the fog to think clearly and identify his actions as abuse and tell anyone, he will become his smooth charming self and attempt to convince others that it is YOU who abuses HIM. A statement that will seem true to the untrained eye as the abused tends to act in extremes due to long suffering and mind games.

This tactic works and works alot. Even therapists can be manipulated into seeing the abuser as the victim and try to get the abused partner to work on their ''communication skills'' further backing the abuser's attitude that the partner is at fault for his/her own abuse.

Consequently, my ex was charged and went to court. But not until many abusive episodes later when he pushed me across the bedroom and I smacked my head against the side of my pine bed frame. I crawled out of the bedroom on my hands and knees to call the police that night. We split shortly after.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Carol Star

As the disease progressed in our marriage(both of us),plus my childhood abuse,( so I was very sensitive to the verbal and mental abuse),and I would fight back. It didn't progress past shoving....well I did throw a beer (just the liquid) at him. It had deja vu of my childhood....and I knew it wasn't good. I got sober. He didn't. I divorced him. The abuse was a symptom of what alcohol and drugs do to our reactions and responses. Look at these reality shows where they pump these kids with boose. We did try therapy a couple of times, but he didn't go for it. I miss him but I don't miss the chaos. In Alanon I have seen how I reacted instead of responded. I should have not engaged with him when he was high. He was saying stuff to me to take the focus off him and to put it on me. Hummmm....now in a good way this is what I need to do today to take care of me.

Buffalo66

Be careful with this for a number of reasons...

My A attacked me once without provocation when I was calling a number about to find out about another woman. He attacked, chased me, I fought back. He was yelling loud. The neighbors called the police. The police came, and I told them he attacked me.(he had hit my head off the ground, and broken my furniture,screaming he was going to kill me) He claimed that I fought just as hard. They took him to jail that night.. He was given probation, had to complete some things and pay a fine OR ELSE he went to jail.

We reconciled, but, from that time on, he would always threaten to call the police if we argue. This last time he left us, in October, we were arguing about him trying to fight a business associate of mine, and while arguing, he threw himself onto the ground. He then called the police and claimed that I had assaulted him. I did not. When the police came, he told them that he would never go to jail for me...he needed to call in order to pre-emptively strike.He needed the police to see that I was being violent.

It has become, for him, a battle of power and he tries to get me arrested a lot. I know, it is sicko and crazy, but... I try not to even argue back any more. And if he seems like he might get violent, I VACATE the premises. We have to deal sometimes, because we have a son. If I were you, and you do not have children, I would get out. NOW.

I do not ever regret having my son... But man, I would give anything to go back and have left him sooner, now things are really bad. My life is really screwed up.

Lilyflower

I cringe when I read things like this! Buffalo I cannot stress enough how you must NEVER deal because you have a child. If I were you and you were married, dating, cohabiting, had kids, did not have kids, I would advocate leaving a physically abusive partner ALWAYS!

Abuse DOES NOT go away, it escalates. It has been shown to escalate to the kids. Think about what is happening to your son - what he witnesses, the things he sees and hears, the lessons taught - that women should just 'put up with it', that with love comes abuse, that women can be treated abusively if you are frustrated, upset or just not getting your way.

At the least, your son is suffering by witnessing this abuse, at worst the atmosphere he is living in is cultivating a new abuser of the future.

Healing can only begin when the victims of abuse are free from its effects and can begin to see how destructive the abuse was to them. I truely believe this.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx