nothappy

Project, "Stay Away from AH when He Drinks," has been going well. The boys and I are feeling much better these days. We come in late, the boys go straight to bed. I go to bed soon after. AH has usually been passed out, or close to it, when we get home. He's been so drunk that he's lost the ability to pick a fight. I can tell he wants to. He tries to but can't find the right words. I mean, he's so drunk, he can't think straight enough to figure out what to fight about. This morning, he said he was going to go back on antabuse. We'll see what happens. The boys and I are still leaving in about a week. Wouldn't it be great if I came home, in 4 months, to a sober husband? We were recently talking about our upcoming 15th anniversary and he did say he wanted to be a better husband. Who knows? Maybe a Christmas miracle?

ICant

hi nothappy,
Wonderful that you are taking care of yourself and not having to deal with the alcoholic in full flight. ESH: Many years ago, before Al-Anon I had a boundary that I would not spend time with my AH with the hope that he would see what he was losing and sober up. The boundary was trying to control him. It did at first and he cleaned himself up and managed to control drink for two and a half years. I thought I had rescued the marriage and we had pulled through. But the drinking spiralled out of control again and within a 6 month period it was just as bad as the bad times before. I learnt then I can not contol him.

I see now that boundaries are for me to stay sane and spending time apart while he was drinking was healthy for me. I don't live my life expecting an outcome from him. Keep working on doing things that are healthy for you. I am sure you are on the right path.

HanahGoodness

nothappy,
I am in the same place you are, except, I think I've realized my ah can't change. He really doesn't want to. When I leave, he may hit the bottom. He will only get better when he really believes he has something that needs to change. Unfortunately, I've moved on emotionally and that is going to be my life that will get better...not his.

Take care of yourself now...while you can. Don't let him suck you into his darkness.

nothappy

Thanks guys. It's good to hear your words of wisdom tonight. I know better than to hold out too much hope but it is nice to think there might be a little. I do hope AH will get better, but we're spending time away from him for ourselves, not for AH. If anything, he's drinking more when we're not around. The boys and I will be gone for 4 months because that's how long the race season is for our ski team. AH will visit on weekends. Maybe he'll try to sober up again. Maybe he won't. I know, chances are, even if he does sober up, he'll start drinking again eventually. It always comes down to whether we are better of with him or without him. The answer is different on different days because some days are better than others. More days are better days when we spend them away from AH. I don't know if spending time away from AH will do anything to improve my marriage, but I do know it improves my sanity. That's what I need to keep my focus on.

KeepPedaling

I know this is the most stupid question ever, because the obvious answer is love. But you all seem to know so much about alcoholism/alcoholics and many don't seem to have too much hope that your/their spouse's/partner's will ever recover, so why do you stay? Can't you still love them, but do it from afar, where you can have peaceful and safe lives?

When I say, "you" I mean the people in the Friend and Family forum. I've gotten so much wonderful advice here. Everyone seems so self-aware and positive and just plain enlightened. I just don't understand why such wonderful people would stay with people who are so negative and hurtful.

I'm sorry if my question is rude and/or super stupid. I think it's stupid to ask a seemingly simple question that I'm sure is so complicated to answer.

bookwyrm

Recovery is a process and we are all at different stages in it. It is also very personal - what works for one person's life might not work for another.

There was a thread recently about this very question: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-we-stay.html

FindingPeace1

I think people sound enlightened...well, for myself...
I think I have good stuff to say sometimes because what I am learning here, at Alanon, in the books recommended, with the book Passionate Marriage, with the work of Byron Katie, with the work of Landmark, etc. etc. is starting to pierce my conciousness, *BUT* I get it first intellectually, then personally.

It is SO easy to see it for another. Don't you read these posts and think, "Geesh. Why doesn't s/he leave her/him? That's an awful situation, obviously." But our own is...different (in our minds).
So I get it (or am starting to) intellectually, but I am working to have it filter down to my heart/gut/soul/womb (whatever) so I REALLY HEAR it about me and my life.
I am preparing. I am getting ready, I think. Each time I give encouragement I try to really listen to what I am saying. It's another way for it to get into me.