Random stuff I need to get out of my system
 

Yesterday I was driving to my dance lessons and I took a shortcut... I realized that street was the one I arrived with XABF the first time I came... I remembered the weekend we spent there. I tried hard not to cry but it was difficult. I try to imagine it was all a nightmare, when I am away I try to imagine he is dead... ohh but that was such a huge trigger.

Then I danced for 2 hours and it helped.

While driving I was looking forward to see my bf but, as I am flying back home later today, I started getting anxious about him wanting to have sex as before.... the night before my travels, he gets hornier and says I will be away many days, blah blah. So I was not looking forward to see him, when I got there.

I told him all this... he said he wouldn't pressure me anymore..... I said, you have said that before... and I no longer believe you. I said I would see his actions and would not tolerate feeling bad about this topic ever again... he said I did not want him or liked him or loved him even when besides these issues he was good to me and we have had good times... I just felt numb. My libido is ZERO. ZERO.

I realized I gave everything before, and now I am not giving anything at all... and he said "you truly wouldn't care if we broke up" and that comment hurt but it also rang true...

I see him like, someone to share expenses with... company... but I don't feel that much for him, admire him, feel excited about his life... nope.. and wonder if this is how it is supposed to be like. Maybe its just this moment, when I'm unmotivated and see everything dark and ugly.

I told him I was under work pressure, hadn't slept well in WEEKS due to work at night, that I get depressed in holidays like many other ppl, etc etc and that I would be like this with anyone else.

Well... long story short we ended up hugging... and it felt good to talk about uncomfortable stuff... I told him I was coming out of anti depressants and I was going to be weird for a while...

I wonder if this is again a codie relation... I am the one in charge here... he is still with family... has NO MONEY.. still studying... hasn't traveled...does not speak english... I have much more education than him and it is starting to bug me...

In others news I already paid for a company cocktail next THU and for the company party the 19th... I am afraid of seeing xabf plus gf, all the triggers again... but I have to go, face reality..... and I want to go... last year I missed EVERYTHING for him and I don't want to cancel myself again..

I am afraid without anti depressants I will hurt again but well I will try to store whatever I feel then take it out safely at home later.......



Then I feel like an idiot for worrying about these stupid things when ppl out there have real problems.

Thanks for listening as I feel less alone when I post here.

While I was writing I realized I may have no libido because I do not see him as an equal. Damn.

Hi,

You and BF got into a relationship pretty quickly, right? Maybe you step back and reflect for a while. I don't know, but it sounds like you like the guy however are not that into him. If that is true, then you might want to evaluate how you feel about him and what role you want him to have in your life. From your posts he has been pretty supportive of you, so you migt want to talk with him honestly about your hang ups.

I don't like the sex pressure thing either. It is disrespectful to you.

Not all relationships last forever. Maybe this one has run its course? Only you know what it is that you want.

I know from bitter expereience that depression can cause a lack of libido. Is this a new thing with you? Coming off your anti depressants may be allowing a bit of your depression to show through as loss of libido. Maybe you should talk to your doctor, maybe a reduction in dosage before coming off them completely would be better?

TC, you sound so blue. Read through some of your previous posts - you were sounding strong and thoughtful (I loved your Tao post!). What has happened recently to change that? Is it the time of year?

Be gentle with yourself. Try and get a good night's sleep (sometimes easier said than done, I know). :ghug3

Thanks a lot for your replies, they mean much to me!

I just realized I put a smiley on this thread by mistake... noo! it is dedicated to my bitterness and depression !! no smileys!! lol.

Miss, thanks, your impression is right. After I wrote that... I went home and he was there, he will stay to take care of the cats, he prepared me a sandwich, drove me back to work, hugged me and told me he wants me to feel better. Why don't I value all that??

Ah well.. yesterday we were talking about how I don't feel any desire at all and he said.. "maybe alcohol would ease you up"

:dot:

book, thanks, I realize how I feel is by a combination of several factors.....

=overwork
=overwork day and night intermittenly
=bad sleep
=set of concerts nearby with SUPERLOUD MUSIC FOR HOURS
=unfortunate acts and comments by partner
=unfortunate comments of 3rds in denial
=seeing how others earn much, much more than me and do nothing but go on holidays, party... XABF among them
=more pressures at work
=implant, messing up hormones
=change on antidepressants
=peeping tom neighbor
=lack of $$
=macho neighbors and passersby that stare, say or shout things at me... today a really gross one that I got as neighbor stared just next to me for a long while.. bf was there and didn't even notice... I felt angry, vulnerable and impotent as he was soooooooo close and his stare was of a really bad vibe.
=triggers for this time of last year where I was at my very worst.
=knowing that tomorrow 8 AM I got to keep working....
=not giving myself space for myself to cry when I need/needed
=not trusting my family with much of what worries me.

I think I got all the letters on the HALT keyword. Will catch a plane home.. talk to you later....

Thank you for being out there and being understanding, with that list I said "how can anyone feel good after all that stuff" so I'll try cut myself some slack...

Hey book I know, this black/white outlook sounds familiar!! next life I want to be a boy, they seem to feel the same way all the time and no one bothers them while walking.

Did I mention I will start looking to migrate to Australia? if I have a daughter she won't be raised and educated so she can take time to prepare for her day and be insulted by some idiot treating her like an object!! I know in Australia there is respect and equality, and if a neighbor gets noisy the police come by to complain... they got me with that one...

Sometimes, just working out why you're feeling the way you're feeling can bring its own type of relief - and I think you managed to hit a few more letters than just HALT!! You have so much going on right now, I'm tired just reading it.

Take care :ghug3

Hey TC honey!

I'm so sorry that things are triggering you these days. It will take time and recovery before you can pass through a memory without it affecting your mood in a substantial way. I have faith that this will happen.

You seem to still see your past as a negative that you cannot forgive yourself for. Mistakes are mistakes. Bad times are bad times. You can and you will move on. You do not have to hold your heart hostage because of those things anymore.

Your depression meds could also be contributing to your lack of desire for intimacy. If your head is telling you one thing about your boyfriend such that he has all the qualities you are looking for in a man, but your heart is holding you back, you will want to look into what might be inhibiting you. It could also be just too damn soon to be involved with someone that way. Close friendships may be all that you can emotionally handle right now. I believe they are the the most healing kind in some ways. Family relations carry baggage and romantic relations are so emotionally taxing if you are not strong enough going into them.

...it should go without saying that any man worthy of you should be willing to wait for you to be ready in mind, heart, and spirit.

Maybe the machismo of the culture you are in is not the best environment for you to grow in your own confidence and independence. I am not knocking the culture, mind you, just aware that women are regarded differently. I agree that a change of venue may help in many ways (the contact with your EX especially). What other places could you imagine yourself??

There are many locales that are short on gorgeous gals such as yourself that would welcome you!!

I've been daydreaming lately of saving up money and buying a big motor home. The square footage would actually be more than I have now, the cost of upkeep (I've read) is lower than a home, and I would never have to load a moving truck again. I could just start her up when I wanted a change of scenery. I've watched shows about people who follow the sunny weather up and down the coast in motor coaches, and the RV communities offer all sorts of amenities and attractions. Imagine waking up in the morning to see giraffes out your window. Wow.

How are you feeling today? Keep posting.

Alice

I wish I had some fantastical advice for you, but instead will just tell you that you're wonderful and amazing.

TC--You are wonderful and amazing. You always help me here. I know you'll sort this out because you have the power of introspection coupled with honesty. Thank you for being here, for your honesty.

Hugs, Transform

I did not have time to respond then but you don´t know how grateful I was to read your words, I was in tears when I did so THANK YOU everyone for cheering me up in a bad moment.

Book, I am on a lower dosage (2mg) and it did the trick... I am motivated to keep taking my trash out so hopefully one day I feel good without any meds.

330 AM, work at 9 then got a cocktail tomorrow. I am anxious.... but I will go no matter what.

Also I talked about bf with my family and it is wonderful what some distance and space gives you.... I realized that yes I was being pessimistic. I came back and we agreed to start from 0 again. About the intimate life, let's say these nights have been great for me, lol. Because I trust him again and my boundary was about to be broken, I was about to leave and he knew I was not joking.

Today he complimented me saying "I got character" and i was like :lmao lol me?? NO ONE has told me that before and it felt soooooooooo great to feel like Someone and not a Shadow of Someone anymore.

It is so great to have someone who also participates on a relation and learns with you and tries to improve just like you....

Thanks a lot for your support, I feel much better, being with family was very soothing.
Now some sleep...... oh, got a haircut today, very modern and short, quite unique ! I like it. I have found I am not afraid to stand out anymore, I am starting to enjoy seeking it even...!