OldDadBack

Well, not really sure where to start with this post. I have been with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend for a year now. We have been through it all together from him hitting rock bottom and trying to take his life twice, to rehab, to dealing at home now.
I know that I love him with all my heart. I know that I need to have hope for us and our future. I knew there was a ring that he had purchased a few months ago planning on proposing and I told him that I wasn't going to say yes until he could prove himself to me...well I did say yes, and I am having some doubts. Do I do through with the marriage when we are in this precarious balance right now? I know I want to be with him always, but I don't want the craziness of this addicted life and he knows that.
I think I was stupid for taking the ring. Its on my finger and I look at it often. I just wonder if I made a terrible, hasty decision.

FindingPeace1

I'd encourage you to read the current string called 'marriage' that is about just this. There is a ton of good stuff lately that refers to this dilemma.
Engagements can be put on hold if that's what you are feeling. That is okay.

For myself, I don't have kids with my AH (whew!) but I am married and wondering if I will have to get a divorce with every difficult, heart wrenching conclusion that would have. Choose carefully. Change is scary, but the fact that alcoholism is progressive (meaning whatever yuck its giving you now, you'll see more yuck in the future) may be scarier.

But...he is in recovery which is (I would be happy to be in your place!). Why don't you just put it on hold while you have reservations and see how it goes? Recovery takes time. Why not give it some time? You can always move forward with it again.
Good luck to him and you!

Still Waters

So he did prove something to you?

Dreamer42long

Dear OldDadBack: Don't beat yourself up over taking the ring. The ring slips on the finger and if need be, the ring can slip off the finger too.

I think you are absolutely right in requiring him to prove himself. But for me that would be at least a few years of total active recovery and truthful sobriety. I know it's possible. My sister married a man who was 20 years sober and now they are both very very happy with no drug or alcohol issues. (He worked out all his issues before they met.)

I'm not saying you should wait 20 years for him to prove himself, but if your RABF is serious about staying in recovery, and you continue to work on yourself, you're relationship may get stronger and you'll be glad you waited.

I'm sure there are some people on this board that may warn you about ever marrying him, but I have seen success in my sister's marriage.

LaTeeDa

That's the key. You cannot go wrong if you work on yourself. That's the only way you can come to the point of trusting yourself and making the best decisions for your life. It won't matter what he does if you know how to take care of yourself.

L